Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Uh yeah, the BABY isn't on my guest list.


Once a month, I have an IRRATIONAL fear that I am indeed; PREGNANT.

Well, I take that back- it's not so much irrational when you're having sex, that's pretty standard- so I've heard. Sex=risk of babies. The word RISK being a very cherry-picked choice of wordage, if you will. Simply because, at this point in my life, having a baby would be like, slipping on ice and breaking your ass forever- therefore leaving you with a limp, and a blowup donut pillow that must be taken with you everywhere you go. But, when walking on ice, you take that risk.

That sort of irreversible risk taking. Baby carrying is like tattooing your face. You can't rid yourself of that tattoo once you decide to get it...and obviously, it's on your face which, would HIGHLY affect your day-to-day functioning. Like babies.

All that being said, when you have your "little bundle of mushy-baby-powder-poopy-pants JOY", when you're READY for it, I'm sure it's complete euphoria.....a type of euphoria, I'm certainly NOT ready to have. Sure, ecstasy is AWESOME -to some people, but not my preferred drug of choice, thank you very much. It's sort of like how, I'd like to eat five pounds of cake without of the "risk" of gaining weight. Can I please have five pounds of sex without of the risk of a seven pound, oh-my-good-god-dream-crushing-ounces of baby?

Precious? Yes, they are. But not for me-right now.

STILL, because of my inability to take my birth control pills on time, (so I'm popping four of them at once like bad-baby-breath-mints), I grab each boob when they start to feel a bit "tender" and say, "YEP. I KNEW IT. A baby." Then...sure enough, Aunt Ruby comes along after a delayed flight from False AlarmVille, all unapologetic and "fooled ya kiddo, I just took a detour to Bali first!"

I know I'm not ready for a baby because the word BABY, makes me choke on my spit and break into hives. Instead of waking up in a panic after a baby dream, I wake up in a full SWEAT covered in golf ball sized tears. A "blessing" HELL NO, not a blessing a fucking nightmare....that's what my parents called me "a blessing." I.E. A surprise, a "mistake", a lets-hurry-along-that-wedding sort of "blessing" and what'd they end up getting, a little HELL CHILD that was nicknamed The Mean Bean until she was thirteen and finances SO STRAPPED that their idea of a "date night" was trekking two miles to the 7-Eleven for a Big Gulp.

Fuck that shit. My blessing can wait.

So:

Dear Period:
I'd appreciate it if you'd stop being a stingy biatch. This isn't about you, it's about me and my sanity. Maybe it's your fault I have a DEEP NEED for a stick of butter rolled in salt and dark chocolate, but because of your tardiness, I'm thinking it's some strange "baby craving" like pickles dipped in strawberry ice cream. Sure, sure, they'd be cute kids. So fucking cute I'd like to wait til I'm ready for such INTENSE CUTENESS.

I'm not ready to gain weight in my earlobes. I'm not ready to buy small things or replace all of my DVD'S with Pixar movies. I'm not ready to do the mommy and me thing, or try canned baby food to see if the chicken flavor really tastes like chicken. I'm not ready to change my voice to a different octave for 8hours out of my day for maximum baby communication and I'm certainly not ready to stop cussing like a sailor or having the beautiful ability to be a tad selfish. I'm also not ready to use the phrase, "I'd throw myself in front of a bus for you." and that's something I'd definitely say to my kids, when I have them. My Dad says it to me and it's highly affective on a scale of 1-10 of How Much Do You Love Me?

And P.S.
I'm still mad at you for coming that one time when I had to wear a white leotard on stage, so if you could be a bit more courteous with your arrival, it'd be appreciated.

Sincerely yours, truly and anxiously,

Chelsea Talks Smack

376 comments:

1 – 200 of 376   Newer›   Newest»
Camels & Chocolate said...

HAHA, I HEAR YOU. I get so excited every month when my period arrives, even though I've been on birth control for 11 years.

I told someone the other day that getting pregnant was the worst thing that could happen to me.

Her: "You mean right now."
Me: "NO, EVER."

Lindsay said...

I have baby nightmares at least once a month. I wake up very relieved that it was only a dream. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be baby-less this month.

Fabulously Broke said...

I never, EVER think I'm pregnant.

I set the alarm to beep and ring incessantly when I have to take the pill and I have them right with me in the mornings (7 a.m.) so I pop them right away and forget about it :)

Akirah said...

I have baby nightmares sometimes even though I'm a virgin. I think they are normal for women to have. Sometimes my nightmares are more tragically realistic if I've just watched a documentary on TLC. Last week I watched one about women who didn't even know they were pregnant until they were in labor. I almost died.

I also get baby nightmares when my boyfriend is being annoying and reminds me that I'm not ready for a child to bind us together, forever. This is rare because I do love him, but he can be immature sometimes, so it happens.

I hope Aunt Flo visits soon! I'm sure she will...when you least expect it (just try not to wear the white leotard this week).

L.L. said...

I'm like this too!! I'm always convinced I'm going to get knocked up when I have all the protection in the world... this is mostly because one day I know I'm gonna get what's coming to me, for all the times I've announced, loudly, how much I hate babies, kids, and parents.

Ace said...

I do this every freaking month. Every month I freak the eff out, flip out on my poor confused boyfriend and curse him and his penis. Then, in her own sweet time, my period decides to show up, I jump for joy and send the next 4 days cursing being a woman. No wonder guys think we're crazy. Why do you have to have had a baby to get a iud? Come on, I'm happy to wait 5 years.

Lily said...

Oh, my god I totally hear you! And why is it, that while my bf was gone for two months on a work thing I was super perfect about pill-popping every day, but now that he's been back in town for three days and sex is a regular occurrence once again... guess who missed her pill this morning (luckily, I remembered about 6 hours later, which hopefully - isn't the end of the world).

This is a No Baby Zone.

Emily said...

oh sweet jesus i hear you, girl!! i have literally had varying degrees of panic attacks in the last 5 years or so whenever it's time for my period. every single fucking time it's late and i end up getting it 7, 10, 14 days after when i should have but never, ever am i pregnant. but you wouldn't know that by the way i freak out every single month when it doesn't show.

seriously, aunt flow is a raging bitch.

nicole said...

i hope the flo starts flowing soon....you think you celebrate now when you get it?! wait until you have 2 kids! it's like a fucking party every month...a fucking cussing selfish fucking party :)

Summer said...

Oh my lanta that was stinkin high-larious. Now all the people at work are looking at me like I'm crazy - oh well!!!

Jules said...

That's hysterical! And although I'm old and married and technically in that spot where I'm "ready to have a baby," I have a whole list of reasons not to. I really enjoy being baby free... And therefore, the pill and I are best friends! No baby for me!!!!! (that's what I yell to Hubby every month!)

BeeHappy said...

I laughed my arse off reading this! Thanks for that! :) You are hilarious!

Aprille - The Muddled said...

haha your too funny. I have two "blessings" at home and we are SO DONE now. Know what that means? It means now I feel like I am having premarital sex again (except more terrifying) and I too am freaking out each month with OH MY GOD IM LATE - or am I? I announce "Aunt Ruby" to husband each month with "Guess what? NOT PREGNANT WHOO HOO!!" so it doesn't really get better post babies either, unless your looking to populate the earth of course. They really are pretty great and trust me when I say your never ever "ready". Less traumatized sure but never ready.

Cass said...

I think we all do this to a certain extent, but I've been freaking out the last couple months like clockwork. Even more so when you can't remember the exact date from the previous month.

Actually I've been freaking out all week and guess who showed up? Yup.

So what I'm really trying to say is...IT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL. ;-)

TKTC said...

Oh yes, hi, I'm in this boat too. Now. Because I spent the weekend with babies, started my pills 3 days late and then had loads of...practice.

After 6-7 months consistently on the pill, you'd think it'd take longer than 3 days to scare me but no, I'm all up in arms.

CAVFC said...

being pregnant is something i have nightmares about at least every two weeks or so. i think i'm at the point where i consider my period to be a "blessing."

no babies for me.

Sebastian said...

I had a relationship where the girl was stressing so much about becoming pregnant that it almost took all of the fun out of the thing.

Was a shame!

just me said...

When I used to have sex...like, eons ago...I would always freak my shit too. Every month. Without fail.

PS: Do you live in CO? (I forget) If so, please email me ASAP.

Kern said...

haha Right fucking on. Whenever I get mine I tell the boyfriend "Congratulations, you're not a daddy!"

Hell yeah it's worth celebrating

Katelin said...

oh man i totally hear ya on this one. i get so freaked out if my period is never not on time. birth control and condoms yeah, but i am so not ready for a little one right now. no way jose.

Amber said...

Hahaha. I love your slipping on ice analogy.

I too get freaked out if my period is even a day late because I too am very lax when it comes to taking my pills. I can barely handle having a cat, I'm so not ready for a kid!

Stephanie said...

Completely agree. I want babies someday, but not this day or any day soon.

ablogofherown.wordpress.com said...

I think all sex related products should include a warning label:
CAUTION: USE OF THIS PRODUCT MAY CAUSE INFANTS

My body is a no-baby zone for at LEAST the next 6-7 years.

Actually, I think I freak out about unplanned pregnancy less now than I did when I was not sexually active. Once I started the magic no-baby pills I rarely get worried.

Surfergrrl said...

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in thinking this. I took a Plan B last month (which BTW, makes you freaking hornier!) because I was so freaked out. I'm 38 and should not be freaking out. I'm almost hoping my eggs are drying up. Is that bad? Just don't want kiddies.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

surferrgrrl- theres absolutely, NOTHING wrong with not wanting kids, no matter what age you are. We're all different for a reason ;)

The Demigoddess said...

I had baby wishes when I was married and even until now that I'm not, I wish for babies still. But EVERYTIME I see kids crying at the malls and their distressed parents, I think twice.

Larissa said...

Haha! I guess that's one of the perks of getting your period...it reassures you that there's no surprise baby on the way.

nicoleantoinette said...

I had the most vivid dream last night that I had a baby. Which, actually, wasn't the truly terrifying part. The truly terrifying part was that there was no pregnancy stage, I just found out I was pregnant and then POOF: BABY. I literally woke up in a cold sweat, touched my (sort of) flat stomach and thought "THANK GOD."

Which is code for "I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT READY YET."

LizSara said...

get a coil or injection or something...no worries, no babies!

Ooh what a strange way to make a first comment

Laura said...

Lol - I completely agree. I take BC as well, but every month I panic. Agh!

Chele said...

get norplant, if you are one of those not good at taking your pills on time I strongly reccomend norplant. it works for five years and hardly no period

Private Eyes said...

hahaha HILARIOUS post! LOVE IT.

I gave you an award you in my blog! http://gumshoeing.blogspot.com/2009/02/blog-awards-and-other-cool-shit.html

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

private eyes- well thank you very much!!! cheers!

Liss said...

My friends think I'm crazy because I'm so paranoid each month that I'm pregnant. They give me pregnancy tests as gag gifts.
I know I'm not ready for a baby because when I'm worried about not getting my period I automatically think ...oh my god, I won't be able to go on that wine tour next month! Or...there goes my vacation in August!
When it's time, I'll be ready. But for now I celebrate getting my period with my boyfriend and a glass of wine!

Cant Hardly Wait said...

Oh come on, babies are fun. I have one!

Having no social life and avoiding mom jeans ARE THE BEST!!!

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Maybe switch up the birth control? I opted out of pills because I KNOW I'd forget to take one or two or all of them. The stuff you can't forget (patch, ring, shot) is easier for peace of mind.

notyourplainjane said...

I so hear you on this one! I also think that part of this is because EVERYONE around me that I know is pregnant.

Sassy Molassy said...

I second this request. Aunt Flo never comes when I expect her to. Seriously, it's ridonkulous. This bod doesn't understand the concept of regular periods. Gah.

Christina said...

I'm actually tired of taking birth control - I may stop soon though. I hear taking it too long may cause cervical cancer....

I'm sure your Monthly Friend will show up (hopefully when you're not wearing a white leotard...)

Lizzie said...

I just sent this to my boyfriend since this sums up my monthly fears EXACTLY. F-ing kids. NOT want I want right now. Why haven't I had my tubes tied again??

Jessica said...

One day I'll tell you about the dream about the baby in the salad. Until then: Nuvaring. Fewer (although still some) nightmares.

Melain said...

A little tip: You will NEVER be READY to have a baby. No one ever is. Even people who think they are AREN'T. But we all manage just fine none the less.

Anyway, I never suspect myself of pregnancy. I was 5 months along with Shocker #3 before I figured out it was pregnancy, not indegestion, or stress, or food allergies or whatever the hell else I tried to blame it on all those months.

mn said...

babies don't stay babies. they become little "you and mes." and it's adorable but hey, no rush. figure out life first before anyone goes through this life changing experience. it will always change you for the better but only if you feel like you've at least reached some stepping stones. sometimes i envy people who had kids much younger bc their legs are still young when their kids start running around, and sometimes i like seeing older couples with kids, because they seem to have a new lease on life...now that i'm older, definitely miss the frequency of my periods.

Socially Conscious Darling said...

I tagged your blog for an award!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

socially conscious darling- thank you so much!!

MarvelousMOM said...

You are freaking hilarious! I love it and hope you see Aunt Ruby here very soon. I have never heard it called Aunt Ruby before, but I like it!

rini said...

I'm definitely anti-baby right now. I'm fine, as long as I can pass them back to some form of adult/caregiver/someone other than myself.

I also find it interesting, when people watch births, they're all grossed out at first, and then they're all "awwww baby!"...

emmaenlighted said...

I'M WITH YOU!!! I have the exact same freak-outs, any weird symptom like a headache and I'm convinced I'm preggers. THANK GOD they've all been false. At least for now.

Anonymous said...

HaHaHaHa!!!!! The Baby part is funny!! Oh, by the way, since I coined the now famous "BEAN" name. It actually started when I first laid eyes on you, at the hospital, after waiting there long hrs., and I said "OH MY!What a sweet little Bean she is"...I'm profoundly sorry, but it didn't have anything to do with mean, that is until you got mean, around 4-5yrs.!!!!

S. said...

you are such a great writer!! this post is helarious and you deserve another award.

amindinmotown said...

To say I know EXACTLY where you're coming from would be a gross understatement.

Subway Gal said...

I thought I was in pregnant every other week in college. I never was, THANK GOD, but it was always a fear of mine if Ms. Period came late.

Summah said...

GIRL. Tell me about it. Every month I'm filled with trepidation and fear until I get good friend. I'm like an 11-year-old, all over again.

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