Monday, March 16, 2009

Just call me The Twisty Death Apple


Back to regular programming.

The line between "Real life" and "blog life" is a fuzzy one. Sometimes I get SO caught up with my online life and neglect real life; like going outside, enjoying 3-D friends, etc. Often times, I know that I cannot turn on the computer or I will be sucked into a black hole and by the end of the day, I'll have no clue whether there were clouds in the sky or not.....

Then, when you aren't blogging for awhile or "checking in" you have this pressure, like shit- "she better be up to something great and come back with something interesting to say, otherwise what's her excuse? Reality television and couch-potatoing got the best of her??"

Anyway, blah blah, who cares.

Yesterday was My Love's 25th birthday- we ate sushi, had two fantastic shows, rehearsals and engaged in other adult-like debaucheries. I was really waiting for an excuse to make cake so I'm glad I finally got one, because Mama was missin' licking the beaters.

...then I did a few girly flip outs about how I'm leaving for Sanibel Island on Saturday and I'm not fit to get into a bikini yet, so I punished myself even more by stressing over a platter of onion rings and cream cheese frosting. What the fuck is that? When you're feeling stress, it makes you less productive, or when you're feeling an overwhelming amount of things to do, it makes you lazy?.....or when you're feeling fat is just makes you hungrier?

Why are brains so twisty and complicated?

I've started to notice one serious problem that my brain has been coming up with. My brain has been weaving this web and capturing all good things, wrapping the up, suffocating them, then turning them into twisty fucked up versions of the "original beautiful thing." For instance, My Love's sweetness:

"Babe, you are the most intense person I know."

When someone tells you you're intense, it's only natural to INTENSELY react....
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M INTENSE?!?!" .....well Chels, your uncanny impression of Jack Nicholson in The Shining may have a tiny bit to do with it. My poor love walks into so many traps....when he's trying to be nice I read into everything he says and turn it around and make him feel bad for saying it, when he was really only trying to be sweet.....Why won't I just LET HIM be sweet?

He says:
"You're like that fruit......"

Me: "What fruit????...."

My Sweet Love: "You know the fruit that Adam eats....it's like that really delicious AMAZING fruit....like nothing he's every tasted before. The texture, the flavor, everything about it is the most incredible thing in the world...."

Me now in full-crazy-mode: "You mean the apple? I'm like the tempting Apple that KILLS Adam? The Satan fruit?"

My Sweet Lover now fully locked in my death trap: "....oh wait, NO. Not that fruit. You're like the fruit from Chronicles of Narnia....right? Is that what I'm thinking about? Amazing Narnian fruit? .....I didn't mean the apple, wrong story. You're not the tempting death fruit."

Me feeling like Satan's plaything dangling in front of sweet cherubic Adam (i.e. My Love):
"Well, I do like apples. But, good. I'm like what? You think I'm the fucking fruit that makes you die. I look nice on the outside but I'm actually POISON. I'm the reason for your slow-death demise. I'm the destruction of all things good."

Sweet-cherub-angel-lover-still in cage: "Baby, I was just trying to say you're the most amazing thing, unlike anything else I've ever had in my life. You're not wicked sinful fruit. You're incredible fruit....rare, delicious fruit."

WHY DO I DO THAT??? I've started taking everything, EVERYTHING, that My Love, my family, my friends say and dissect it's goodness into tiny strange bits. Pieces so small they're impossible to decipher or reconstruct. I'm a mad man, with a machete to all things that would allow me to feel good about myself, the way people feel about me, my success- everything.

Why, as people do we not just allow ourselves to celebrate when YES, we are fucking amazing! Yes, you are beautiful! Smart! Deserving! FUCKING. INCREDIBLE. Why are we the first people with a quick draw to shoot down anything that allows us to be as incredible as we really are?

All I know, is I'm ready to put the machete back down. To drop my shield, my defense mechanisms and sudden unnecessary outburst of rank venom.

If ain't broke, don't fix it right- or at least don't go at it like a wild Banshee chasing a rabid boar. Let the good things BE......

25 comments:

Ms. Pink Zebra said...

Haha. :)I have done that before.

My Ex: Your like the moonlight.

Me: It's a red fuckin moon. What the fuck are you saying?

My Ex: ah ah...

I think it is a defensive mechanism. Or are we trained to not think that highly of ourselves. Hmm...

Hope said...

I am the queen of the machete. Just like you, I will dissect EVERYTHING.

Personally, I think I just like to sabotage my own happiness. Because my brain is exactly that twisted and complicated.

caterpillar85 said...

wow this couldn't have come at a better time. i too cannot take a compliment.. i was told this weekend that i was beautiful, brilliant, smart & it made me want to run for the hills. why oh why!?

Ellegant said...

Haha, I've done that plenty of times before. In your defense, though, I think we do it with those we are the most comfortable with.

Stephanie said...

I dissect also. It's been something I've been trying to work on.

belle said...

I blame it on hormones.

kwərk said...

Well I would tell you how great you are, but now I'm scared. ;)

Seriously though, I've done that before too, but more in that I'll fret over it until I get reassured that it wasn't meant the way I took it and that it really was a compliment.

L.L. said...

Ha ha ha... you have such great blogs!

[F]oxymoron said...

And when men say, "I just don't get women, sometimes," this is a brilliant example!

ha, you're awesome.

Lindsay said...

I guess it's just easier for us to believe the worst in ourselves. I suffer from this as well and need to be a little nicer to the people who love me.

brookem said...

i do the SAME thing. analyze every little thing. the good, the bad... all of it. it really ends up taking away from the MOMENT of it all, and just enjoying the here and now.

Love, Fitness, Money, More said...

Funny but oh so me too! At least T feel less alone. Lately, I have been dissecting EVERYTHING anyone says and does around me at negative judgment; bleh. Love your writing!

Serial Monogamist said...

My favorite drunken fight story:

My boyfriend and I are in Venice, we go to dinner, we drink red wine, we're staggering down the street back to our hotel room, holding hands, and he starts to sing to me.

"Cant-are, whoa whoa whoa whoa," in a cheesy fake Italian accent.

"Did you just call me a cunt?!"

He denied it, but I was convinced. Because I was drunk and a little crazy.

Oops.

Lily said...

I TOTALLY know what you mean about merging your online life with your offline life. I find myself having the same thoughts often! Especially now that I'm getting super excited to finally MEET some of my blog crushes this summer! Here's to Vegas! :)

just me said...

Good things are hard to believe in, espescially for girls who've had to work all their life, ya know?

I need to make some cake too.

Katelin said...

haha i think we all over dissect things sometimes, it can't always be helped.

Melissa said...

I know i over analyze things like that too much too..sometimes i just a hard time accepting a compliment

Susan said...

You just gotta get out of your head. I am always in mine, at least you catch yourself. Sometimes when my boy looks at me a certain way I realize I am doing it and then apologize right away. It's better than nothing.

The Smarter Princess said...

Well in your defense, he DID inadvertantly call you the apple of death. :-)

And everytime someone tells me to calm down I immediately start stomping my feet and screaming "I am calm dammit!" Totally natural reaction. (At least that's what I like to tell myself...)

Molly said...

I would love to have a switch for times like those. Getting out of your own head is one of life's greatest challenges!

Nashe^ said...

Yeah I also think it's a defence mechanism. You just don't wanna be seen as too easily taken in!

ExposedNYC said...

I think it's partially a writer thing, too. We tend do obsess over the words and their meanings as opposed to the intent behind them.

And hey, any tips for how to drop that machete? Because I tend to find that the handles come covered in super glue... :)

LiLu said...

Seriously, I'm the same way and it's so effed up. When I'm working out and doing well, I eat really healthy and care and all that... when I'm feeling fat and lazy, I eat complete crap and just perpetuate the cycle. WTF?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Belle- I do that a lot too....

Just me- TRUE. TRUE.

exposednyc- I definitely think its a write/artist thing.

Gossip Girl said...

well said!! love it!

 
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