Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sticky Fingers: Dipping into the EX Files
I'm in post-vacation-depression. The kind where you just want to wake up and drink a cocktail at noon instead of doing work and even though it's snowing I'm still wearing a sundress. I want to eat dessert after every meal and turn off my alarm clock, maybe even throw out an occasional "WOO HOO!!" It's denial and depression all at once. It hasn't helped that this week I've been back on the job-hunt grind; constantly refreshing my inbox, frantically scouring the pages of MediaBistro and five million other like sites, interspersed with a recurring and irritating habit of mine; Dipping into the EX-Files.
Technology makes it too easy not to do. It's the same equivalent of having an important document sitting on a table with a big "CONFIDENTIAL" sign stamped on it, you're naturally going to want to peek. The EX Files: Any information pertaining to a previous relationship, that's floating around the Internet whether that be your previous relationship or his.
It's the mystery that makes it tempting. I ask questions and I'm always curious about the relationships my boyfriends have had, because every relationship makes them who they are....so when you find that their EX Files are like comparing Jennifer Aniston to Bjork, or Bacon to a Veggie Dog (or any other random pairing of opposites) you naturally want to dig a little deeper to figure out, "what was it exactly...."
I've dipped into the pages of my EXes lady that he left me for, not because I'm still wounded, but because there's still times when I'm feeling nostalgic or I trip over a pillow he made me with his face plastered on it, that I haven't gotten rid of and I think, "What the fuck?" I'm curious because she seems alien to me, so different from everything I was...and hey, maybe there's my answer. There's times I still care because I never got to make him cry and simply saying "goodbye" to someone when you were royally fucked up isn't the kind of end that makes you gleam with relief, making him cry would. As catty up as that sounds, I catch myself in Mean Girl moments and Cheshire cat grins...I can't help it.
I've dipped into the pages of my current Love's ex girlfriend, whom I find very interesting and talented but cold and distant unlike me. Like you may need a frostbite warning being in the same room. But yet, I'm intrigued. How a person can love such opposites???
There's a natural curiosity and if I'm not the only one that has it, then I'm sure they're reading this right now. Though the past is an illusion now, it still left a fingerprint that remains in the present.
"You should really get rid of that" My naked boyfriend hovers over a pillow with my face and my exes plastered across his, smiling and in love- so distant from me now that it's like looking at a picture of another person.
"Yeah, I should. I don't know why I haven't. It's like people who keep concert stubs, who don't scrapbook. What's the point I guess."
"HA. If only when he made this he could've flashed to this moment, years down the road, of a naked man, after just making love to you saying, 'throw that out'" My Love gloats, yes baby- you are the winner.
....and then I can't help but think, what pieces of My Love do his exes have, what pieces does my Ex have that his new love looks and scoffs at....
Part of loving is believing in the MOMENT of what you're sharing is timeless. You give pieces of things and even more pieces that are invisible and you believe in the act that it's safe. It's exactly what makes love recklessly beautiful, vulnerable and terrifying. Knowing that someday another person may hold a piece of what you gave in indifferent and unwelcoming hands and ask that it be "thrown out." Even with that awareness, I can't help but emblazoning My Love with every mark of my adoration and bottomless affection, hoping that it is in fact the one that lasts.
WHAT'S IN YOUR EX FILES???