Wednesday, March 4, 2009
You CAN'T buy LOVE...but you can buy me a beer.
Damnit, I waited too long after my buzz to say all the shit I really wanted to say, now the moment has passed and I'm onto water (apparently my FACE needs to be more hydrated, says the facialist). Now I'm talking down the devil who wants me to eat a box of Thin Mints and surfing Craigslist for apartments I can't afford. But crown molding is SO appealing....
AFFORD; the topic that I was really looking to rant on this evening. MONEY, DEBT, ....feeling the fucking enslavement when you don't have enough.
I never, ever, thought I would be that girl that gave a SHIT about how much money my Love had. That was until I thought I could have babies with him. AND, I'm certainly not the kind that wants to fashion baby food out of brown bananas and Cream of Wheat.
Until now I figured, I'm an artist, we'll both just live in out little bohemian worlds, making crafty meals and walking barefoot. Thrift is chic anyway and we'll have enough to afford a good coat of paint when we need it. We'll really enjoy fancying up plain rice with concoctions of rare seasonings and we'll be good with eating sparsely while laying in the grass somewhere and identifying shapes in the clouds. We'll have enough love and passion for our art forms that it'll take up all the time and everything else will prove to be trivial We'll be the perfect example that doing what you love pays off, eventually....bliss will mean pure body, spirit, and mind.
....oh yeah, that was all until I really wanted to get an effing glass of champagne and some tomatoes and mozzarella at a bar, using money that (neither one of us) had at the moment and thus, we spun off quickly into a frenzy of anxiety and threw down the tightly tangled ball of stress and watched it unravel with sharp words and ultimatums. Oh shit, we're not it Kansas anymore. Kansas seemed so sweet until that fucking tornado and house nonsense didn't it?
All the "we'll live on nothing, until we make it" BULL started smelling like hair grease and Christmas cards where our parents would have to inform everyone that we were lending all of our creative talents to cardboard signs and fancy crack pipes.
When the fear of having NOTHING buries its gnarly little head in your brain, it doesn't make you cherish what you have- it makes you realize that's all you'll ever have if you don't shake a fucking tail feather, shake it so hard your ass falls off. Without the shakage, there is a possibly for; no home, no kids, no health care, no vacations, no wedding rings, no getaways, no happy hours, no fixing up. NOTHING. Nothing functional and human.
So after my head spun twenty five times and my tongue forked in various directions spitting ACID at innocent people, My Love handed my a card, that he made, that said, "I know all I can offer you is my love right now. I know I can't buy you things, but I promise you it will get better. I love you, I love you, I love you."
Yes, please stone me. For I am a heinous bitch with unreasonable expectations. The truth is, it ISN'T about THINGS at all....it's about being able to do all the normal human things without there being SERIOUS strain because of it. It's about feeling OK.
His note made it clear- we have to work through things.....and if I were to choose love or money, I will ALWAYS. ALWAYS. choose love. Even if it means we have to be creative to make PB&Js romantic.
Tell me, how do you deal with the financial strain? I know I'm not alone here, especially now.