Well guys, turns out, I don't have a brain tumor. I guess I can stop asking My Love questions like, "if I were bald would you still love me?" to which he promptly and very seriously replies "absolutely, you'd be beautiful bald. You'd be beautiful 10 pounds, 15 pounds bigger, or...if you were a leper..." OK, he didn't say he the part about the leper, I added that for flare. Though, he may think I were a sexy leper, I think he loves me that much and he's way nicer than I am, I'd kick the leper to the curb. I digress....
Now that I've KNOW there's nothing wrong with me I can start dealing with my anxiety with comforting affirmations like, "chill out darlin' you don't have MS" or, "well, at least it isn't brain cancer" this is where I also insert deep breathing.
SO TODAY, anxiety free, I couldn't help but notice a wanning sort of discontent. Discontent with a day that was seemingly content-worthy, "perfect." I went to whole foods, worked out, read a good book, didn't get hit by a any cars or attacked by a rabid dog and here I am driving around and all I could think was...."I AM. BORED."
I'M BORED!! I'm so bored I'm considering ways to do something extreme like, get naked in an inappropriate setting just to shock people or stop wearing a bra, COMPLETELY. It's almost like having the anxiety gave me enough to think about that busied my mind from the facts. That on a spread sheet would read: I am. bored. utterly. bored.
But why? Why am I bored? After all boredom is state, a declared state of being. We decide we're not interested anymore in what we're doing, we don't like the shade of paint on our walls, or the neighborhood we live in, we decide Pinot Grigio is the most boring glass of wine ever and you've been missing out on beautiful sweet Rieslings, and then you're bored with those too. Our jobs have become routine, the people who used to entertain us suddenly seem stale, even Starbucks has lost it's ability to shock me into some excited sugar coma. So, we DECLARE ourselves BORED. This thing, this person, this "state" is boring me. Deciding your bored is giving up. It's surrendering in the laziest form. No need to wave a white flag, that'll take too much work.
Deciding boredom is saying, "I've evaluated all of the possible options and I've decided none of the are good enough for me." It's giving up on the ability to look at things from a different angle and make them interesting again.
Then, because the Universe swoops in at the most opportune moments, (except for when you're in a bathroom stall with no toilet paper), I read an article about the MOTIVATION behind why we do what we do. Lately, EVERYTHING I do, has to do with it's outcome, not with the process. I've become bored because when the results aren't miraculously set into my open palms with a cherry on top, the rest isn't "good enough." The things I love doing have morphed from beloved abilities, talents, luxuries even, into the SOURCE behind my stress, my displeasure with the things I don't have yet.
My declared state of boredom is because I've stopped observing my surroundings and I've set my sights on some place like Mykonos instead. Dreaming isn't the problem. Seeking great outcomes, running fiercely with motivation or "wanting" aren't WRONG....they only become a problem when you forget the REASON behind why you want, strive, seek, etc. The root of that usually being, LOVE. What? Yes, love. Cliches exist for a reason people, this one happens to be true.
I seek greater writing opportunities because I LOVE to write, not just for the resume line. I make music because I LOVE music, not because I thought it'd make me millions. Though that may be the future goal, it isn't the root of WHY I'm there in the first place, if it were for the millions I would've written "Dontcha" a long time ago.
So when I could easily be bored with my current state I've decided this week I'll remember first the motivation behind my goals for my life and I'll stop struggling so hard to FORCE the "correct" outcome, rather, I'll let it happen in it's own time therefor avoiding my thumb-twiddling-boredom because I'M NOT WAITING. Waiting for "something." Instead of waiting for that feeling that "SOMETHING" has finally arrived I'll be happy with the "SOMETHING'S" already present in my life.
This week I'll look at things differently, I'll write sitting on the floor in my laundry room, I'll mediate upside down, I'll do everything without seeking results. I'll do a cartwheel in a parking lot, I'll braid my hair, email an old friend, I'll LINGER, and I'll declare that boredom isn't an option, instead creativity is.
WHAT WILL YOU DO THIS WEEK???