(yeah, that's not my body. Must be nice. Don't worry, if I see this woman-I'll trip her.)
The first indication that summer is already on it's way has come, the backs of my knees are sweating....profusely and I want to eat mango's naked, while laying in a hammock.
When you're a kid summer means Slip 'N' Slides, full days at the pool with that new-best-friend-so-and-so-with-the-cool-nanny who shares her noodle and damp Goldfish crackers in the kiddie pool. It means going to bed at night exhausted from the heat of the sun and falling asleep with an Otter Pop in your mouth while TV Land plays in the background. It means ridiculous full-bodysuit tan lines, and accidental nipple slippage at water parks. It means "hanging out at the mall" and buying unnecessary accessories from Claire's, followed by some harmless prank calling to boys who still have little girl voices. It means first kisses on porches with the sounds of sprinklers in the background and awkward hand holding. It means getting drunk for the first time on Wine Coolers and second-hand Vodka, running from the cops in heels through a park after "curfew" (What, you didn't do that?) and "Fat Girl Nights," a declared evening with a free ticket to Binge Fest- minus the actual eating disorder/body issues which surface sometime after high school, when you realize eating Cheetos, Licorice, tubs of raw cookie dough, Ice Cream and drinking Queso with a straw is actually a problem.
Summer is declared "freedom" for three months. THREE MONTHS where you can skinny dip and sleep in with out giving a flying Mother EFF. It's freedom without accountability for anything when you're young. Even when you're in college, it's the "time that doesn't really count until the next semester begins," the future seems so far away and making out with your roommates boyfriend seems ethical (no I never did that.) There's no guilt if you sleep past 9am, the kind that says you should get on the horn and make.shit.happen. or rambles some BS about Early Birds and worms. The biggest concern is which cereal to eat for breakfast and how to do a better keg stand.
As an adult, it means trying to figure out how the FUCK to get through a day without looking like someone smeared Vaseline all over your T-zone. My face is melting off, resulting in what looks like a puddle of a "liquid MAC cosmetics gone wrong,"experiment on my desk. And my ass is sweaty. Like, don't touch me or I'll Triple Lutz jump you straight to the jaw (ice skating terms have always sounded like ninja moves to me.) You know how hard it is for your ass not to sweat when you sit on it in front of this thing all day??? Can someone please invent a ventilation system that doesn't involve a noisy fan attached to my underwear.
Now, summer means sitting in front of the fucking computer when all I want to do is saunter lazily around 7-Eleven contemplating which Corn Nuts are better and then make the BEST LAYERED SLURPEE EVER, IT SHOULD BE A DRINK IN ITSELF, beverage.
I want to wear sweat shorts, yeah- sweat shorts. Not Khaki, or what "adults" wear in the summer when they're trying to look sophisticated and FAKE the look of comfort with something "breezy" or light weight. I'm perfectly fine flouncing around in my bikini top and singing Jay-Z at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down.... and let me tell ya, it's really hard to play Real Life Grown Up while singing Jay-Z and it's even harder to take someone wearing KHAKI fucking seriously while singing JAY-Z. I mean, come on.
As a matter of fact, I think the only person on the planet who's bad ass enough to wear khaki freely IS Jay-Z. Otherwise, you look like some rich country club douche.... or a Target employee.
I want to just have Peter Pan syndrome and enjoy the sunshine. Not return any emails for the week....or for three damn months and then when September comes around just pick up where I left off. Those bastards who invented school were tricky....they put us in a cycle of work hard/play hard, then they throw us into a NO. BREAK. EVER. School of Life where the only delayed start you're granted is when your alarm clock accidentally breaks or you're blessed with the flu. Three days of a flaming A-hole for three days of no accountability may not be a bad trade. Though the people with Swine Flu may argue that...hey, at least they have a trendy flu. Anyway....
Tomorrow, I'm packing a picnic and fleeing to the park...I may even drink a wine cooler. Cause I found one in my fridge from oh, 1999 and I'm a classy broad. I may even make a spritzer with Crush soda if I'm feeling wild. Bust out your little dreaded bikini's my lovelies, it's almost adult summer time and I'm bringing back the water guns!!!
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT SUMMER????