Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dear Childhood, you were fun. Come back.


(yeah, that's not my body. Must be nice. Don't worry, if I see this woman-I'll trip her.)


The first indication that summer is already on it's way has come, the backs of my knees are sweating....profusely and I want to eat mango's naked, while laying in a hammock. 

When you're a kid summer means Slip 'N' Slides, full days at the pool with that new-best-friend-so-and-so-with-the-cool-nanny who shares her noodle and damp Goldfish crackers in the kiddie pool. It means going to bed at night exhausted from the heat of the sun and falling asleep with an Otter Pop in your mouth while TV Land plays in the background. It means ridiculous full-bodysuit tan lines, and accidental nipple slippage at water parks. It means "hanging out at the mall" and buying unnecessary accessories from Claire's, followed by some harmless prank calling to boys who still have little girl voices. It means first kisses on porches with the sounds of sprinklers in the background and awkward hand holding. It means getting drunk for the first time on Wine Coolers and second-hand Vodka, running from the cops in heels through a park after "curfew" (What, you didn't do that?) and "Fat Girl Nights," a declared evening with a free ticket to Binge Fest- minus the actual eating disorder/body issues which surface sometime after high school, when you realize eating Cheetos, Licorice, tubs of raw cookie dough, Ice Cream and drinking Queso with a straw is actually a problem. 

 Summer is declared "freedom" for three months. THREE MONTHS where you can skinny dip and sleep in with out giving a flying Mother EFF. It's freedom without accountability for anything when you're young. Even when you're in college, it's the "time that doesn't really count until the next semester begins," the future seems so far away and making out with your roommates boyfriend seems ethical (no I never did that.) There's no guilt if you sleep past 9am, the kind that says you should get on the horn and make.shit.happen. or rambles some BS about Early Birds and worms. The biggest concern is which cereal to eat for breakfast and how to do a better keg stand. 

As an adult, it means trying to figure out how the FUCK to get through a day without looking like someone smeared Vaseline all over your T-zone. My face is melting off, resulting in what looks like a puddle of a "liquid MAC cosmetics gone wrong,"experiment on my desk. And my ass is sweaty. Like, don't touch me or I'll Triple Lutz jump you straight to the jaw (ice skating terms have always sounded like ninja moves to me.) You know how hard it is for your ass not to sweat when you sit on it in front of this thing all day??? Can someone please invent a ventilation system that doesn't involve a noisy fan attached to my underwear.

Now, summer means sitting in front of the fucking computer when all I want to do is saunter lazily around 7-Eleven contemplating which Corn Nuts are better and then make the BEST LAYERED SLURPEE EVER, IT SHOULD BE A DRINK IN ITSELF, beverage. 

I want to wear sweat shorts, yeah- sweat shorts. Not Khaki, or what "adults" wear in the summer when they're trying to look sophisticated and FAKE the look of comfort with something "breezy" or light weight. I'm perfectly fine flouncing around in my bikini top and singing Jay-Z at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down.... and let me tell ya, it's really hard to play Real Life Grown Up while singing Jay-Z and it's even harder to take someone wearing KHAKI fucking seriously while singing JAY-Z. I mean, come on.
As a matter of fact, I think the only person on the planet who's bad ass enough to wear khaki freely IS Jay-Z. Otherwise, you look like some rich country club douche.... or a Target employee.

I want to just have Peter Pan syndrome and enjoy the sunshine. Not return any emails for the week....or for three damn months and then when September comes around just pick up where I left off. Those bastards who invented school were tricky....they put us in a cycle of work hard/play hard, then they throw us into a NO. BREAK. EVER. School of Life where the only delayed start you're granted is when your alarm clock accidentally breaks or you're blessed with the flu. Three days of a flaming A-hole for three days of no accountability may not be a bad trade. Though the people with Swine Flu may argue that...hey, at least they have a trendy flu. Anyway....

Tomorrow, I'm packing a picnic and fleeing to the park...I  may even drink a wine cooler. Cause I found one in my fridge from oh, 1999 and I'm a classy broad. I may even make a spritzer with Crush soda if I'm feeling wild. Bust out your little dreaded bikini's my lovelies, it's almost adult summer time and I'm bringing back the water guns!!!



WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT SUMMER????














50 comments:

Diana said...

Sleeping in! aw the whole getting over youth thing is like pulling teeth when summer rolls around.

Jen said...

The smell of freshly cut grass, because let's face it - you've described summer as an adult perfectly! OH - and built up vacation days. I'm looking forward to Bonnaroo and a trip to NYC. ;-)

Susan said...

As much as I hate being in front of the computer in an air conditioned office in the summer, my job does let us know very early on Fridays so as an adult- I love that.

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com said...

Being able to wear dresses and skirts!!!

Serena said...

Favourite thing has to be chilling out on the beach occasionally dipping into the sea whilst listening to Summertime by Will Smith. Oh, and I have a seriously huge ice cream too!

Rose and Jill said...

Wow, I couldn't say it better myself. I long for summer and not just a two day break in a week. I want an extended vacation.

-R

Herding Cats said...

I love being able to walk around at night without a sweater.

whattakes said...

I'm looking forward to the Canadian Open, its like summer camp for golfers. I can spent the whole week in the sun and be "working".

I love the bike rides at night.

Babs said...

see.....THIS IS WHY I'M GOING TO APPLY FOR GRAD SCHOOL

I miss sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet boys on the lake, SPRINKLERS, and summer camp

shine said...

Now I just want to cry about all the summer I'm losing. Damn being a grown-up.

I had a teacher in middle school who would faint at the smell of freshly-cut grass, so every time they mowed the lawn at school, we would get out of class early. It was awesome.

The Smarter Princess said...

Man I miss kid summers. When lounging in the pool for hours was considered productive. And the ice cream truck music was the best sound in the world. When I didn’t have negative body issues, and could run around in a bathing suit for days straight.

Growing up stinks.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Babs- You are WISE

Diana- ooo i CAN FEEL THE BLOODY STUB A FOOTH RIGHT NOW, UGH.

Jen-that'll be so much fun!!

Susan-nice office ;)

FB-I'm wearing a dress! YAY!

Serena-oh man, good jam- may have to bust that out.

Rose-amen.

Herding cats-Definitly something to be grateful for, I agree,

whattakes- WOW, Golf a whole world I don't know...but! sounds fun!

Shine- um, your comment is hysterical.

The smart princess- SPEAKING OF THE ICECREAM TRUCK! THEY CHANGED THE JINGLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD???!

laurwilk said...

Pretty sure I should have been a teacher. In fact, we should all be teachers.

I'm quitting my job mid June and not going back to school until early September. This is the biggest 'win' that has happened for me in a long time. I'm thrilled! (I'm even going back to the restaurant life as my summer job! YESSS!)

But it makes me sad that all of my friends don't get to do the same thing. :( I think I might be forced to hang out with 18 year olds.

sid said...

Going to the beach. Long days. Constant partying. Man I miss summer.

Holly Golightly said...

I'm a spoiled rotten brat, meaning I grew up in a beach town in Florida, so the thing I loved most about summer was waking up at 10 am, piling all my friends into my Jeep, blasting Sublime, and spending hours and hours at the beach.

Now, I love my work's summer hours which means I get to leave at 3pm on Fridays... if all my work is done. Which it never is. But the idea sounds nice, right?

Maxie said...

POPSICLES!!!

Surfergrrl said...

well since i'm unemployed right now, every day feels like summer (except it does come with a big dose of guilt) But I like the long days and playing beach volleyball till my legs fall off, then going to eat a cold stone ice cream cuz I totally worked it off. :)

Children of the Nineties said...

I'm with you 100%. As a kid, summer was just about the most exciting thing that could happen to you. As an adult, it's a bit lacking. There are still fun things to do, but being stuck in an office is not one of them.

M.J. said...

A fellow "fat girl"--I love it!

spewings said...

Being able to walk barefoot ANYWHERE and go outside at anytime! The amazing midwest thunderstorms. And to top it all off - being able to catch up on all the reading that college steals time from! Yea for not reading about economic/political theories...

Amand said...

I love this post! You captured childhood summers perfectly!

My favorite thing about summer is going to baseball games, and flip-flop tanlines!!

Ben said...

Vitamin D!
It's about the only time in the UK when you can get a good healthy does of the stuff.

Oh and water fights.

And, being a guy, let's not forget women showing off considerably more flesh than usual. That's nice. :D

Anonymous said...

...windy, sunny weather with a loud indoor air conditioning or dip in the swimming pool when I feel like it, days passing slowly, bike rides, Jazz fest in the park with Mi Amor... Ah, I love summer!

-31 years old and glad I don't have a desk job that requires sitting for too many hours at a time! And to think, next month I'll trade all of this in order to get out of debt and further my career... Just for a little while. That's the plan. :) Remember that opportunity I said NO to and have been paying for? Well, it's back! And I learned.

Sutebia said...

Claire's LOL. I think summer it great i love the rain in the summer and eating outside :)

Andrea said...

As an "adult," I have to say that Summer weekends are the highlights of my LIIIIFE. The weekends that include food or music festivals, concerts on the pier or at the Hollywood bowl, overpriced sweaty beer, and finally spending the latest of late night and wee-est of wee hours flopped across the couch or the floor, exhausted. And making out with a boy.

Kate said...

My favorite part is how happy I feel. There's something about the humidity that makes me giddy. Good thing I don't mind it, cuz it ain't goin' nowhere!

nicoleantoinette said...

Summer = CAMP!

Jess said...

How late it stays light out. I love that we can have dinner on the patio at nine p.m. And I also love the smell of freshly cut grass.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Andrea- I can actually agree here, i love summer weekends. And actually, I'm sort of playing hookey and having a summer weekday right now.

anonymous- CONGRATS!! I'm so happy for you!! I'm it's back..

Ben- true that. Can all of the bult men stop wearing shirts, starting now.

laurwilk- It's great that you're doing what you want to do, cheers to that.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Jess- AH! I need to email you, we can enjoy colorado summer together sometime!

Ali said...

Eat mangoes naked, eh? Have you ever read SARK?

Kellie said...

My favorite thing: drinking into the night outside on patios or in my back yard w/ a fire going in the fire pit. Just BEING outside. God I love summer... And I miss having 3 months off.

Ryan said...

Man, this post is reminiscent of coming home from an amazing picnic in the park and talking with the IRS for a few. Talk about youth killer.

Selectively Bitchy said...

sexytime during summer nights! oh wait, we're talking about childhood. I guess i'll have to go with sleeping in.

great post, methinks i too shall write to my childhood, despite being convinced that it sucked. but how on earth could layered slurpees and bbq and ranch flavored Corn Nuts ever suck!? tisk.

Vanessa said...

ohhhhh nostagliaaa. you captured summer so well. growing up SUCKS.

RenaissanceTrophyWife said...

Eating mangoes naked in a hammock? I thought I was the only one!

Anyways, there's a lot I love... wakeboarding, grilling, wearing Abercrombie at the beach and pretending I still get summer vacation, frozen strawberries, ripe tomatoes... and the smell of sunscreen. Great post!

Felisa said...

Savoring watermelon wedges or mangoes until the juices run down the front your shirt. If only that doesn't look so pornographic after you've grown boobs, I'd totally still do it!

As an "adult", I love camping with friends (and not freezing my butt off in my sleeping bag) and driving with the windows rolled down and pretending to be G with Big Pimpin' playing in the background... Forget being grown up. I won't miss out on singing Jay-Z songs!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ryan- we had the best picnic ever!!1 evaaaaaaaaa!!

ALSO, I think it's interesting how many people mention mangos in their comments and YES, I have read sark. I would have been more original had I said eating starfruit naked. i guess.

AprilMarie said...

First of all, you're hilarious! Can't wait to read more!

I love the way you describes summer as a kid. It was literally (to the T) what my childhood/teenage years were like. Exactly. Especially the mall shopping and pointless purchases at Claires (& to this day I still don't understand why I let so much of my money go to pieces of jewelry or an ugly headband I never even had intentions to wear).

Summer now is just another part of the year, sadly. Still work. Still bills to pay. Maybe a vacation... maybe. Haha. One thing changes- the weather. Where I live it gets upwards of 115!! I DREAD it!

Caz said...

Summers as a kid were definitely way more fun. I wish I could go back to that for sure.

Alas, it's winter here and I just wrote a bitter post about the reasons summer sucks. just because i'm jealous of all you kids and your warm weather.

Lady Jane said...

I'm sooo lucky I'm an adult and I get my summers off!!! Smart move to go work in a school!! 17 school days to go! I used to work an all year around job so I know what its like and it sucks royally! I know about but-sweat....ugh

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Dammit, first time here and you rub in my face that I'm supposed to be a grownup now. I hate getting up at seven in the morning during the summer. Stupid, stupid, stupid grownup job!!

Tantrum is over.

My favorite thing about summer now is concerts. Oh yes, I go to lots of them. Usually Mike and I will go away for a three-day weekend.

My favorite childhood memory of summer is filling up the kiddie pool, breaking out the popsicles, and spending the entire day in my bathing suit. My mom would also take us downtown to the library and for pizza. Best days EVER.

Mishi said...

I used to love kiddie pools, sprinklers and running after the ice cream truck with 4 quarters clutched in my fist.

Erin said...

This was really cute.

I miss how long summer used to feel. I remember being on break forever, now I barely notice it's summer before it's getting cold again.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

aprilmarie- Thank you, I love new readers!

LBluca77 said...

Slip and Slides were the best! Now I want to buy one for the summer. What makes me the most excited about summer though is wearing shorts and flip flops.

The Novelista Barista said...

hahahah i love the comment u wrote under the picture!

Wodies Woes said...

Damn I miss being a kid too. How about having the audacity to ask random neighbors if you can go in their pool. Definitely not something to try as an adult.

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