“If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, You are right.”
This is COMPLETELY true and sometimes, the past makes it hard to think we "can." So I started thinking.....
Eight days....eight days to NOT post is too long. So sorry. I was busy busying myself with finding ways to be more busy. If that makes any sense.
I spent SIX HOURS cleaning my room today. No, not my house- just A ROOM. I dusted off old boyfriend's t-shirts, pants from years before my ass is it's current-WIDER size, and condom wrappers that ended up in strange places, like between pages of my Kabbalah for Dummy's book? This is not a joke, and the fact that it was a Kabbalah book reveals the date of my last cleaning attempt (just Google Madonna red bracelet or Britney Kabbalah and you'll find it was a long effing time ago that that religion was "trendy")
I found memorial programs with faces of the deceased gracing the cover, WHITE EYE LINER-since yes, at one point I was a Cholo? Gum wrappers, tampons and enough change to do a load of laundry for India. Birthday cards with outdated wishes from friends I'll never see again and school acceptance letters to places I never attended. Crushed dried rose petal leaves and fallen feathers from pillow cases that snuck themselves into crevasses and neglected nooks, and more than once I found that "missing sock."
As I threw out bags and BAGS of old memories and old "Me's" I couldn't help by wish that I could manually go through my SUBCONSCIOUS and do the same thing. Things are just "things" the memory isn't tangible- yet it sticks anyway.
We can purge THINGS. And even when I was sleeping, night after night, among these dead parts of myself, I was breathing in their presence. Even though now, I won't break my pinky toe by tripping over a platform in the middle of the night on the way to grab some water, the exes, the rejection letters, the acceptance letters, all of that has affected me. The affect of the "thing" isn't something you can throw out.
I've been looking into new job opportunities and My Love and I have thrown around ideas of "future" what not's and with all of that "future" there's still all of the past. The past that makes us doubt, over-analyze, question our capability and throw out the "Victim Card" where we take the backseat to our failures and place blame instead, blame on lack of luck or "if only....".
When we're applying something new we can't help but think of the last thing that we attempted that maybe didn't work out "as planned." When we throw ourselves into the stickiness of love, we can't help but accidentally play out some of our previous bad behaviors and habits and when we talk about the "future" ending up differently, we can't help but think, "but, it didn't work last time....why would anything be different now?"
I don't want to be someone who resigns their power because of how something has previously affected them.
Imagine if that "thing" someone told you you weren't good at never happened? Imagine if no one ever told you you "couldn't" or "shouldn't" do something? Imagine what it would be like to forget that silly comment someone made about your nose being "too big" ....would you have ever thought it was?
We operate on a daily basis out of PAST lessons, but once we've moved through it, it's just another lesson like algebra and should too be forgotten, filed somewhere in the memory but the "mistake" of the lesson shouldn't turn into a FEAR that'll it still remains. Or else, the lesson comes again. And again. And we end up treading water among the same mishaps, the same disappointments and the same self-victimization we're so used to feeling.
LIFE, makes us who we are but it's how we react to it that makes our LIVES what they become.
Amongst the condoms, the too-small panties, the outdated lipgloss colors and broken accessories, I decided I would do my best to MENTALLY purge the roadblocks, the insecurities and the BOULDER of doubt that tumbles it's way into my walking path all too often.
Tonight, I'll sleep well in clear spaces with the scent of Orange Glo in my dreams-hopefully I won't die from poinsonous fumes. Tomorrow, I'll forget that TODAY I received three rejection letters and still have a nearly empty bank account. Onward.....onward.....
IF YOU COULD GET RID OF ONE MEMORY OR THING THAT AFFECTS YOU WHAT WOULD IT BE???