Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I found OLD CONDOMS in a Kabbalah book. No, I did- for real.


“If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, You are right.”
This is COMPLETELY true and sometimes, the past makes it hard to think we "can." So I started thinking.....


Eight days
....eight days to NOT post is too long. So sorry. I was busy busying myself with finding ways to be more busy. If that makes any sense. 

I spent SIX HOURS cleaning my room today. No, not my house- just A ROOM. I dusted off old boyfriend's t-shirts, pants from years before my ass is it's current-WIDER size, and condom wrappers that ended up in strange places, like between pages of my Kabbalah for Dummy's book? This is not a joke, and the fact that it was a Kabbalah book reveals the date of my last cleaning attempt (just Google Madonna red bracelet or Britney Kabbalah and you'll find it was a long effing time ago that that religion was "trendy")

I found memorial programs with faces of the deceased gracing the cover, WHITE EYE LINER-since yes, at one point I was a Cholo? Gum wrappers, tampons and enough change to do a load of laundry for India. Birthday cards with outdated wishes from friends I'll never see again and school acceptance letters to places I never attended. Crushed dried rose petal leaves and fallen feathers from pillow cases that snuck themselves into crevasses and neglected nooks, and more than once I found that "missing sock." 

As I threw out bags and BAGS of old memories and old "Me's" I couldn't help by wish that I could manually go through my SUBCONSCIOUS and do the same thing. Things are just "things" the memory isn't tangible- yet it sticks anyway.

We can purge THINGS. And even when I was sleeping, night after night, among these dead parts of myself, I was breathing in their presence. Even though now, I won't break my pinky toe by tripping over a platform in the middle of the night on the way to grab some water, the exes, the rejection letters, the acceptance letters, all of that has affected me. The affect of the "thing" isn't something you can throw out. 

I've been looking into new job opportunities and My Love and I have thrown around ideas of "future" what not's and with all of that "future" there's still all of the past. The past that makes us doubt, over-analyze, question our capability and throw out the "Victim Card" where we take the backseat to our failures and place blame instead, blame on lack of luck or "if only....". 
When we're applying something new we can't help but think of the last thing that we attempted that maybe didn't work out "as planned." When we throw ourselves into the stickiness of love, we can't help but accidentally play out some of our previous bad behaviors and habits and when we talk about the "future" ending up differently, we can't help but think, "but, it didn't work last time....why would anything be different now?"

I don't want to be someone who resigns their power because of how something has previously affected them. 

Imagine if that "thing" someone told you you weren't good at never happened? Imagine if no one ever told you you "couldn't" or "shouldn't" do something? Imagine what it would be like to forget that silly comment someone made about your nose being "too big" ....would you have ever thought it was?

We operate on a daily basis out of PAST lessons, but once we've moved through it, it's just another lesson like algebra and should too be forgotten, filed somewhere in the memory but the "mistake" of the lesson shouldn't turn into a FEAR that'll it still remains. Or else, the lesson comes again. And again. And we end up treading water among the same mishaps, the same disappointments and the same self-victimization we're so used to feeling. 

LIFE, makes us who we are but it's how we react to it that makes our LIVES what they become

Amongst the condoms, the too-small panties, the outdated lipgloss colors and broken accessories, I decided I would do my best to MENTALLY purge the roadblocks, the insecurities and the BOULDER of doubt that tumbles it's way into my walking path all too often. 

Tonight, I'll sleep well in clear spaces with the scent of Orange Glo in my dreams-hopefully I won't die from poinsonous fumes. Tomorrow, I'll forget that TODAY I received three rejection letters and still have a nearly empty bank account. Onward.....onward.....



IF YOU COULD GET RID OF ONE MEMORY OR THING THAT AFFECTS YOU WHAT WOULD IT BE???









 







40 comments:

KristinCanWrite said...

this is an insightful and well-written missive, detailing a familiar cluster of feelings that many of us can admit we've agonized over. and you gave it a name.

cheers to letting your thoughts find the right words! and again for choosing to stay positive despite obstacles!

xo

Jules said...

Great post! If we all started allowing ourselves to live fully instead of through our fears, we'd all be happier, me included!

Serena said...

I would choose to erase a memory of a night that ruined my life and still haunts me today.
However, I refuse to let it get to me anymore and feel I'm getting close to 'mind over matter' and finding true happiness x

M.J. said...

I wish I could forget ever having known my father....

Keep moving forward said...

GREAT POST!! I actually just thought the same thing about past relationships the other day. Thanks for putting it in to words for me:-) I am dating this really great guy right now, someone who has an awesome chance at being the one.However I can't help but think, that at one point a couple of times, I thought the same thing about someone else. How is this different?Am I older and wiser?..who knows..uggh.
But thanks again for posting this!

whattakes said...

His name was Matt. And I would love to get his damn face out of my memory. My one and only broken heart, was because of him. But just when I think I'm over it, I either run into him, get am e-mail from him, or somehow his name shows up on my stats page on wordpress. Yes his full name was searched and found me... Please make him go away?!?

Holly Golightly said...

Aghh - I love, love, love this post! I want to print it and frame it on my desk, but I'm worried my co-workers might wonder why I'm idolizing condoms and Kabbalah.

Anyway, you really hit it wit this line: when we talk about the "future" ending up differently, we can't help but think, "but, it didn't work last time....why would anything be different now?"

I think that ALL the time, and half of my struggle is not letting my past own who I am today. There are several memories I'd like to get rid of... sigh. Maybe I'll write a post about that! Haha.

Cheers!

kwerk said...

Must be Spring, because everywhere I go someone is talking about cleaning and cleansing and purging...including myself!

I don't know that I'd want to throw away anything, just because it's a part of who I am now and I've been able to use it to make me better. That does not apply to all the junk in my rooms I'm currently sorting out and getting rid of...

Kate Zingsheim said...

Everyone else that commented here really dug deep into their psyche to find something/someone they'd like to erase from memory completely.

I, on the other hand, am just not that deep. If I could erase one event from my entire life, it would be the time in 3rd grade when I went camping with a friend and peed on the concrete floor of the "game room" provided near the campsite. Yeah, you're right, 3rd grade WAS too old to be just peeing your pants. At the time I thought no one would notice because I was wearing a swimsuit and the floor was wet from people coming in from the lake. I bet people noticed when the soggy cement floor turned yellow in a puddle around my feet though.

Humiliating.

Babs said...

I wish I could forget all about my Big Ex-Boyfriend

but then I remember the movie 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' and what stupid lessons I learned from him

laurwilk said...

I love this post and I would probably benefit from reading it daily!

Mostly, there's a 'him' that I'd sort of like to erase. The memories aren't as bad as the dreams are. It's strange. I'm in a very wonderful relationship and have not seen 'him' for nearly two years. But I dream of him nearly every other night. SO STRANGE! GO AWAY DREAMS!

brookem said...

goddamn, i think we're on the same life path or something. you always write about exactly what im thinking or where i feel like im at. i too, have been trying to purge those past mistakes which now equate to doubts, which i know will only then equate to failed opportunites. opportunities that i shouldn't miss out on because of fear.

so what im trying to say is THANK YOU (again) for putting into words so eloquently what i often have rumbling around in my own crazy psyche.

ChasingParadise said...

Wonderful post, for certain! Oh, there are so many things we all would mentally purge. I just don't know if it's ever possible to get rid of the self doubt, self hate, self anything. I guess it remains to be seen.

You, my dear, are a force to be reckoned with!

LiLu said...

I am torn because I kind of don't want to live in a world where new Arrested Development was created, then torn away from me by the corporate demons at Fox. But would I really want to live in a world with no AD at all? Sigh...

Lindsay said...

I would erase the memory of a horrific break-up. Even though I've found someone else, the memory still makes it hard for me to fully trust anyone, even when they say they love me. I work every day to move past that.

abrandname said...

If I could wish for one thing...it would be for my best friend to read this post. I am captivated by it's words and meanings because it speaks of her so dramatically. I have the same problem and I am seeking ways to get passed my past. So is she. I just hope a possible new relationship is the door to this new future that I so dream of for her. She deserves it fiercly. I love her so.

Also, you are a writer I love to read. You have ideas and thoughts that flow. You are super hilarious also.

Thanks for making my day!!!!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Kristin-Thank you!

Jules-INDEED :)

Serena-that's a good approach absolutely.


MJ- I'm sorry :(.....I think a lot of people can relate to that statement.

Keep moving forward- ah, yes, I understand this..

Whattakes- This is maddening, I've totally been there.

Holly Golightly- HAHAH, yeah we don't want to rock the boat at work ;)

kwerk- I totally agree. Every past memory or thing makes us who we are, no doubt about it, it's just finding a way to operate without being weighed down by the negative ones.

KATE- Hhahahaha no need to dig deep, I wish i could take back that time I threw up on a field trip. People never forget that stuff.

babs- ah how I love that movie.

Laurwilk- I used to have CONSTANT dreams of my ex, they wouldnt stop....it made it even harder to get over him. Eventually though, they do go away.

Brookem- Thank you :) and your welcome ;)

chasingparadise- WOW! I could definitly get used to soemone telling me that everyday, can I tattoo it on my arm with quotes. hahaha. Thank you :)

lilu- no we def want AD. Definitely.

Lindsay- you have no idea how much I understand this. no idea.

abrandname- thank you so much :) I really appreciate it. I also hope your bff gets achance to read this :)

The Peach Tart said...

I too have had a few travails of late and looking for the blessings in them and trying not to be a victim. Thanks for sharing this insightful post.

just me said...

I would get rid of a dwindling bank account and replace it with a heaping full one.

Just A Girl said...

There are too many times as a kid when I was told that I was ugly or a dork (I'm definitely embracing the latter now) to pick one to erase. I think I'd either erase the boyfriend at 18 who told me my face looked "deformed" because that's in my head almost every time I look in the mirror, or the last major ex. He betrayed me more than I've ever experienced and I don't want to be the girl who doesn't trust men and assumes they will repeat his mistakes.

You've made me think a LOT.

Teeny said...

Wow. This really resonated with me today. Thanks for sharing..

Rachael said...

Great blog!

Its funny how cleaning your room brings things up from the past and how you just can't throw certain things away. I'm in this process myself, deciding what to let go of, where to move on.

Ali said...

I just loved reading this. All so true!

PS - I just started contributing to Guidespot.com. I blame you. :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Ali- YAY!!! We love new contributers on Guidespot, virtual cheers to you!

Tara said...

Okay, first things first, I LOVE this post. It seems to be speaking to something that is currently going on in my life as well. So thanks for writing it. :)

That BOULDER of doubt you're speaking of is parked right in front of me as we speak. All too often I left fear paralyze me and end up not "living" my life.

I shouldn't always play it safe. I need to take a risk. And if I fall flat on my ass, so what?! I lived and have a damn good story to tell now! :)

Thank you again for writing this!

Surfergrrl said...

I don't think there is any memory I would get rid of. Everything serves a purpose and even if the memory is bad, it's part of your story. It's how you chose to move on or react from a particular story that affects your present day life. Nope, even the hard times makes me who I am today.

Sizzle said...

I love this post. :-)

"I don't want to be someone who resigns their power because of how something has previously affected them." I'm right there with you.

There are a few memories I'd like to rid my brain of but then I wonder if I let them go, would I still be me? Hmm...interesting thing to ponder. Thanks for the food for thought!

mn said...

i'd erase a lot of people but without them, i wouldn't know what "something better" is.
PS, I found my 7 yr old's shorts under my bed that were covered in dust. wonder what else is lurking.

Nashe^ said...

Nicely done!
I would erase my former boyfriend from memory if I could do it. He was simply an unnecessary part of my past that really has to go.(although, of course, I did learn some things)

Mrs. MidAtlantic said...

I started apologizing to myself whenever a bad memory surfaces. I think about why the experience bothers me so much, and then apologize for it. Since I have started doing this, all those bad memories have stopped popping into my head. I feel I am a better person for it. I have been able to move on!

Je said...

I just did the room purge before I moved a couple weeks ago. It was... WOW. I cried a bit, wondered who the hec I was at certain times, didn't recognize the girl in photos or who was writing. Sometimes it's really odd to remember who you used to be, and who you are now.
And then sometimes it feels really great...
I don't know that there are very many memories that I'd want to get rid of. I have some that still sting - mostly love or boy memories. But non of them are bad enough to ask for the permanent delete button.

I think you're going to make it, Chelsea. Onward and upward! ;)

Socially Conscious Darling said...

That is an extremely hard question. I guess I would say that I wouldn't move out of my parents house when I did to move in with my now husband.

sid said...

When someone says something like, "I'll never introduce her to my friends because she's ugly." I still ache. (Long story about why THIS affects me the way it does.) Do I want the memory of it to go away. Nope. Because I'm taking it a lesson. If he doesn't think you're worthy of meeting his friends then don't stick around. I'm better than that.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

There isn't really anything I would get rid of, since I really feel that I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't experienced any of the things I experienced. Yikes that was a long sentence. Twitter fail. Anyway. I would, however, like to stop wondering about a certain ex (ie, did he overdose yet? is he still looking for me?). Some days I spend entirely too much time -- any time is too much -- hoping he is okay.

Anyway. Now I feel the need to clean. :D

Maxie said...

it would take me that long (or longer) to clean my room too. Like actually clean it, rid it of clutter. I may actually do that sometime soon...i'm sure the things I would find would be quite entertaining.

Jeanine said...

i loved this post. i have so many voices in my head telling me i'm not good enough at any given time. they paralyze me into a state of constant stagnation. i don't recognize whose voices they are, i have come to claim them as my own.

P said...

The way my ex f*cked me over last year. I feel like a lot of my reactions regarding guys comes from my experience with him; I'm totally paranoid as a result!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thanks Je!! and everyone for sharing your stories :)

Lily said...

I DEFINITELY wore white eye liner. And a memory I'd like to get rid of? I don't know if this really counts, but there's this guy who's kind of been the Big Story in my life and I'd LOVE to let that go or at least let go of the WONDERING of whether or not things will work out. It resurfaces every few years, then dissolves again, but FUCK it is DISTRACTING.

Kali said...

Woah perfect timing for me to read this. I so badly want to get rid of my mental roadblocks but it's just so damn difficult..

If I could, I would wipe any trace of an effect that my ex ever left on me. Unfortunately I can't so I'll have to do it myself.

I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try so hard.

Thanks for this, I needed it.

 
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