"Well, I hope she has health insurance because she's going to need it once I FUCK HER FACE UP."
I say things like this. I'm a scary person.
I've also been known to say things like, "I'll set your house on fire" or unprompted, "I could kill a person." Among, "I chased someone once with a broomstick and had I caught them, it would have gone straight through their eye...."
Just in case anyone around me was doubting my pure insanity and ability to be rage filled. In the same breathe... I also like puppies, I coo, I'll skip alone for no reason, I walk through the Barbie isle at Target and get excited-which spurs excited clapping, I call people Honey Pie and Love Face. On the contrary, I've also been known to love so hard it turns into biting, because I can't express the intensity of it- this has only happened once and I was five, but still.
So I'm not ALL scary, just necessarily scary- in this case, when My Love and I go back to his place and we walk into to find his EX GIRLFRIEND BAKING MOTHER FUCKING CINNAMON ROLLS and hanging with his roommate (whom she's still friends with, to be clear) standing in his kitchen and prancing around as if she's welcome-the "scary" inside me lights up.
Their break up was NOT a cordial one- and until he started dating me she avoided every possible scenario that would involve her seeing him.....so what happened to her fucking tune change???? If she knew that I'm a ninja and that my head spins, tongue forks and I spit acid- she'd maybe be less blatant, I'm sure of it.
Thus far every time I see her, I've been nice. Too nice? I gave myself a medal for not going bat-shit-monkey-rip-your-face-off-crazy and instead I acted like a "big girl" made small talk about weather, beer and throat lozenges....
THE SECOND TIME IT HAPPENED HOWEVER, I WASN'T TOO HAPPY- so, My Love being the Knight that he is calls her and says, "Hi. I'm NOT comfortable with you coming to my loft. OK? Ok. Bye." She agrees, says she won't do it again.....
......UNTIL- After a few PBR'S the roommate slips up the information, that she was THERE AGAIN!!!!!! She violated his wishes and she definitely broke the girl code, i.e.: Don't fuck around on other's chicks property, unless you want me to pull a Tonya Harding, or spread rumors that you're a hermaphrodite with herpes, God I love alliteration.
I'm in a tough spot- do I call and say "Don't do it again or I'll chase you down in a dark alley and brand my name on your ass, in case you need a reminder....." or do I risk letting it happen again, and the next time having to talk less small talk and more, Scared Straight.
TELL ME READERS: Would you EVER hang around your ex-boyfriend's apartment, cook, leave your instruments, and violate his wishes-when he has a new girlfriend (who's smokin' and crazy) and when you had a terrible break up and WERE NOT FRIENDS?????