Thursday, June 4, 2009

Karma's a Bitch with a Cellphone


Karma called me the other day. OK, not me, Karma took an extra step and called My Love instead...thus leaving him as the messenger.  Karma didn't just dial up the number, it also left a voicemail, which was then kindly delivered to me via beau. This time the law of attraction wanted to remind me "what goes around comes around" by very effectively, using MY VOICE. Karma wanted to remind me that when you say negative things about people, you're going to get fucking cancer of the throat. You're going to end up the scratchy-box-hole-in-throat-commercial for not using your fucking voice box correctly.

In basic terms, I butt dialed my boyfriend and I have a big ass mouth. Ten minutes later, he's listening to a message of me talking about someone, rather brutally. Just bitching about, "this" and "that" and "blah blah" meaningless things really....it was as if What Goes Around Comes Around and Karma tag teamed me, or gang jumped me and said, "we're not going to hit you with a car today or kill your family....but if you keep on that path, we may consider it. Here's why....BEEP..." then BAM,  Chelsea Literally Talking Smack, the voicemail version. 

The worst part was, I was talking about someone I love and adore. And if the ten minutes of what I was complaining about were to be broadcast on a bullhorn it would sound like I was talking about someone I loathe and want to stone with paper weights. 

So naturally, the rest of the day I felt like Karma gave me bare-assed lashing with a leather whip. I've always wondered if the statement about people's faults that you dislike being some amplified version of YOUR own faults, put very boldly in front of you so that you can recognize them. So that you can look at yourself and say, "Hey you know what Chels, sometimes YOU'RE the gigantic tool bag, or bad driver, or unreliable hot mess. Sometimes, that's you! You even forget your friends birthdays, so stop being righteous."

Then I went on the whole day wanting to reverse the karma; "Let's go feed the birds" or, "I've got like 20cents?...I bet homeless-toothless-Joe could buy sip of vodka with that, let's give it to him!" I was reminded that not only do I forget to be mindful of my words towards myself, but also for the words I contaminate the air with. 

So without further adieu, I'd like to apologize (this should hopefully knock down a few points on the Karma Scale, or at least offset contracting Lyme Disease):

To Janelle from Kindergarten, I'm sorry for biting you and blaming you for ripping the buttons off my  red dress-when I really did it for attention. To the many I "bumper bumped" in LA, sorry-it didn't look bad enough to leave a note. To my last ex-sorry for not caring enough when you did. To my Mom, for all the times I stole your MAC compact and left your face vulnerable and makeup-less. To my first roommate, sorry I ate your snacks when you weren't home and didn't tell you. To Amber for missing her birthday party and for making her do the "Apple Juice Diet" with me- sorry I put you at risk of vomiting up your organs. Sorry for not holding the door, for flipping the bird, for judging VERY HARSHLY anyone with a McCain sticker-I sent super bad voodoo energy your direction. Sorry for eating the last Jell-O, for forgetting to pay you back, for saying mean things about your baby, for envying you, for judging your wardrobe. I'm sorry for saying FAR TOO many mean things about Heidi and Spencer Pratt and for calling people with horse faces, "Horse Face" in my head. For that, I apologize. 

Hopefully Karma won't leave me anymore voicemail, or give me crabs. I'll be good, I promise.


What would YOU apologize for? 

47 comments:

lovelila said...

I would apologize for [subconsciously] sabatoging relationships (personal and work) when I know things are on the outs anyway. Things don't ALWAYS have to end badly.

BellaCene said...

I love your blog! Thanks for finding mine because it led me to yours :)

sid said...

Sorry for never explaining pulling my disappearance routine on you. You deserved an explanation at least.

Lady Jane said...

I'm sorry for all the phone calls I don't return and that saying my phone isn't working. Same with e-mails/computer not working. Sorry to those that I lie in general too whenever I purposely chose not to do something. BTW loved the post!!

Deva84 said...

I would apologize for /sometimes/ not fighting enough for those who care for me and I really care for them /now I'm talking specially for HIM/ and for being sometimes way too supercilious.

btw. everyone eats flatmate's snacks and I won't apologize for that!

Deva84 said...

I would apologize for /sometimes/ not fighting enough for those who care for me and I really care for them /now I'm talking specially for HIM/ and for being sometimes way too supercilious.

btw. everyone eats flatmate's snacks and I won't apologize for that!

Jules said...

That's hysterical! I'd have to apologize to those McCain sticker holders too! And to the Pratts! And to the parents who don't return permission slips on time....the list could go on and on and on....

kwerk said...

I'm a harsh critic, so I definitely know what it is to apologize for words that come out wrong all the time. I've not learned that lesson well enough, I'm sure...to no let venting turn into something way uglier.

Love ya, I'm sure you've made you pennance. ;)

Shannon said...

Holy Moses, that really stinks...but it's sweet of you to apologize for all of those things. Haha. I would apologize for my short temper and rolling my eyes at stupid people.

Olivia Rae said...

haha you are hilarious/amazing. Don't worry too much! No one's perfect, everyone has those days...
and I LOVE your blog.

Monica said...

Hey thanks for stopping by my blog. Love yours. This post was a hoot. I'd apologize for my endless supply of road rage. Oops! Did I flip the bird? Sorry.

shine said...

I'm sorry for...well, I'm really sorry I met my ex-boyfriend, but I think that's probably not the lesson I was supposed to learn here.

miss*H said...

i'd have to apologise to all my friends for ignoring their calls/texts when I really cannot be arsed to speak to them, and then blaming a broken phone for not returning them..karma has already been a bitch back as most of them have given up now so I kind of kicked myself in gthe are there.
I should apologise to alena the penis cleaner but she is a whore who deserved everything I gave her (though I have to pretend to friends I'm sorry for being a bitch to her..i'm not :) )

Herding Cats said...

I would apologize for being so mean to my dad. He can't help the way he is, and I can.

Mika said...

Love your blog. I would apologize for not trying to understand the addictions of my father. Instead, I decide to be bitter. Maybe someday...

Great post. :)

Vivian said...

Aw, thanks for your lovely comment!! I'm glad I found out about your blog as well, you are a great writer, and I'll be coming back!

Surfergrrl said...

I've always wondered if the statement about people's faults that you dislike being some amplified version of YOUR own faults..

i think in a way that's really true. and i think it's totally OK to bash Heidi and Spencer...and exception to the rule.

I would apologize for just gossiping about people, especially if it's negative in nature, because no one wants to be talked about that way, myself included.

Lisa Chelle said...

My list is so long, I have to think about it...

I love you blog, it's so freaking funny.

Isn't amazing how shit happens?

Mandy Kay said...

love the blog!

Rebekah said...

Melissa - I'm sorry I told you I hate your boyfriend. I should have tried not to hate him, and failing that, I should have tried to cover it up.

Kate said...

I don't know that anyone ever really needs to apologize for saying mean things about Spencer and Heidi. I think that's Karma's way of paying them back for being horrible human beings.

Erin said...

Oh, that is hiralious and exactly why I push 'end 'end' end' before I commence with the shit-talking. So I guess I'm sorry for being a calculating shit-talker. :)

d said...

Being so mean to boys until I was 23. I was a horrible person/girlfriend, and now that I am 27 and they are all settled down and happily married and I am single and miserable, I know what karma is! Ugh.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

bellecene- thank you!! I'm so glad you stopped by.

sid-....i've done this too.

Lady jane- i'm guilty of that too.

kwerk- I hope i did!!!! :)

olivia rae- thank you so much for coming by and checking out!! I'm glad you liked it.

monica- of course, thank you :)

miss h- "alena the penis cleaner" that's fucking great.

mika- thank you!!!!


vivian- of course, I'm glad I found yours!

mandy kay- thanks os much for stopping by and checkin it out!!!

Hillary said...

...and this is why I always lock my keypad. With my luck, I would butt dial my mom while bitching about how crazy she is :)

Elizabeth Marie said...

Oh girl...I have done that before with the phone. And the voicemails...isn't that the worst feeling ever, like something you were just mouthing off about is now on TAPE? annoying.

Umm I am apologizing for never answering my phone. I see someone else wrote this too. I suck. I know it makes people feel bad. SORRY.

:)

LiLu said...

Ohhhh. What you just described could happen to me absolutely ANY DAY OF MY LIFE.

I really need to be more careful...

I mean nice. That's the one.

The Socialite said...

Great post! Oh gosh...my list would probably be beyond LONG. I'm a firm believer in karma too. I totally sent McCain stickers & 'confederate flag' stickers bad energy. Confession: I kind of still do! :x

Defying Gravity said...

Chelsea your wit is inspiring and use of language profound! Karma, that bitch be crazy!!!!

I would apologize for wishing that people who are exercise freaks would break both legs so that they were on bed rest for so long that they could double as Gilbert Grape's mom.

Joey said...

I apologize for watching that little girl fall right in front of me and not helping her up..her father was right there, but I was too busy running to stop and help. I'm a jerk, and i've felt bada bout it for a whole week. So, sorry.

P.S. you're a fantastic writer. I love reading your stuff, kiddo!

Ryan said...

I hope Karma doesn't give you crabs either.

Ryan said...

I hope Karma doesn't give you crabs either.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

defying gravity- wow that's one of the nicest comments, thank you so much :)

ryan- crabs would suck.

joey- thanks so much, I'm glad you found me!

Kristin said...

I'm sorry for screening and pretending like I don't.

just me said...

i apologize for falling asleep after I get mine. Almost always.

I'm responsible for a lot of blue balls.

Maxie said...

I'd apologize to my ex-boyfriend for so much. I treated him like shit for almost 2 years. By the time I grew up and realized I was being a baby it was over.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

just me- this is why I love you.

Tracy-Girl said...

hmmm... I have quite a few i could apologize for!! But I absolutely love this post!! you are a fantastic writer!

Teresa said...

You are fantastic and I love your blog! I would apologize to my ex for being such a nutcase post breakup... and to my mother for not appreciating everything she does for me. :)

Lauren From Texas said...

Heidi and Spencer (aren't we calling them Speidi now?) DESERVE to have mean things said about them. They are MORONS.

DEFINITION:
prat |prat|
noun informal
1 a person's buttocks.
2 Brit. an incompetent, stupid, or foolish person; an idiot.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

What goes around comes around, and not in the Justin Timberlake way. Sorry :( At least you're hilarious.

Dash said...

technology, technology! i dont blame karma. i blame the computer. when did it get so righteous, right?:):)

and hey heres a shout out back to you! love your blog so far, and looking forward to reading more!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

lauren from texas- HA! Thanks for the definition, love it.

Dash-thanks for stopping by, cheers! Hope to see you again!

Stephanie said...

I love your apologies. Everyone should do this, I bet it's freeing.

ms. mindless said...

i'm not apologizing for sending bad energy to the mccain stickers! great post!

Lily said...

I would have to apologize for ignoring phone calls from people I love, but sometimes I just love my solo time and don't want to be interrupted.

Miss Ramona said...

I wanted to apologize (and just got to, thanks to Facebook) to JW and BP for excluding them from all of my end of the school year parties growing up even though we were neighbors.

Taratzcz said...

Love your blog. I would apologize for not trying to understand the addictions of my father. Instead, I decide to be bitter. Maybe someday... Great post. :)

 
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