Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Trusting is like not knowing how to swim and letting someone DUNK YOU ANYWAY.


When you love completely and when you TRUST completely, it can feel like running into oncoming traffic and hoping you don't get hit, and if you do that the damage leaves only little scar. Trusting can feel like walking the high beam and doing a cartwheel, then completely racking yourself because your foot slips.

...then, knowing how bad that hurts, putting one foot in front of the other and tumbling ahead anyway. When you meet somebody, it's the same thing. You learn to know them through their words. You take their words as gospel and believe.

You tell stories and paint them vivid pictures of what you want them to envision your past as. Your "story" of who you are and why you're that way, where you've come from, why you have such a short temper and the real reason behind why you don't drink shots of tequila anymore.... etc. Your Truth is all based on the narrative you give a person....when you're the listener, that's all you know. You believe what they tell you and then store their storybook on your minds shelf. 

You learn to know where their insecurities come from, who they first loved, when they were first hurt and how they like their eggs in the morning. You learn their breathe patterns when they sleep, that they always leave the cabinet doors open and that they'll almost always forget their jacket. You learn that they love the smell of Russian Olive Trees, that they'll never finish the bread on their plate and that hearing even a NOTE of a Carrie Underwood song makes their skin crawl. You learn their freckles, their "spots" and their smell.

What you know of a person for CERTAIN is what you see, what you feel and what you experience. What you don't know is that which demands trust for the things you don't see; their past, their stories, them without you.

Whether it's the beginning of a relationship, or twenty years into one you have to practice that act of pure belief in their words. All you have to judge from are the words they give you and in turn, you have to surrender in that space where there's no seat belts, no handrails, no warning signs or safe zones. There's no handbook, no guide or example- there isn't a paper you can sign or a handshake firm enough to ensure your heart's safety.

Then, how after that "first thing" the first fib, first omission, first lie, first fabrication do you get back to that space when you aren't terrified of the bottom dropping out?? It's like handing your sleeping baby over to a person walking a tight rope and saying, "just don't drop them." This time, I'm the person, my heart's the baby and he's the wire walker. 

...and even when it's terrifying, we trust anyway. Or we try. We try until it feels safe again to let go, to not over analyze and to run full speed ahead...knowing full well that you could hit a speed bump.


WHAT DO YOU TRUST?? People? Love? Or do you trust at all???

Also, random side note- my mom's dance student Kayla Radomski made the Top 20 on So You Think You Can Dance- so please vote for her!!!



69 comments:

just me said...

Love muffin, so glad you wrote this. Going through it myself at the moment.

Glad to know a soul sister understands.

lovelila said...

I just went through something similar to this. I usually trust all...until I'm given a reason not to trust anymore. I DO give second chances...sometimes thirds, too.

Court said...

Wow. This was so good.

(I know maybe I sound like an idiot but really that's all I can put into words!)

Bayjb said...

I am definitely trusting but it takes a long time to earn that from me. Been burned too bad in the past.

Ana from far away! said...

I have trust issues, but once I get to trust someone (for example in relationships) I never doubt or question if that person will ever betray me.

Clarity Sage said...

Your post inspired me to write one of my own about trust. I like your swimming metaphor.

brookem said...

i liked this a lot, and i can also relate to it SO much.
i hope your love handles your heart with care and that everything works out.

krystal said...

so this is making me look back on one of the most important relationships of my life so far and i can totally relate. which is sad. i gave that person everything and he gave up in the end...(our situation was ridiculous) and so much of how he responded and acted had everything to do with the parts of him that i couldn't see (or didn't want to). But...i would do it all over again. I think that's what love is about - I guess i'd rather love someone fully and trust them than to miss out on something like that by staying guarded. (i think!)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

I think what I'm finding that's true for everyone is that they'd "do it again" no matter how bad the burn....and I think that's the way it should be.

Felisa said...

Ahh this was so beautifully written! :) Love this part: It's like handing your sleeping baby over to a person walking a tight rope and saying, "just don't drop them."

It's hard for me to trust people bu when I do, I trust people with complete abandon. It's scary and insane but amazing and wonderful at the same time.

sid said...

Oh I'm just sooo bad at trusting people. Really, seriously bad at it ...

Alya said...

I trust God. Really it can sound cheesy but I just believe in a higher power, and I trust that He looks over me whatever I do and wherever I go.

What else can explain how I am still alive and kicking and healthy even after life kicked me in the butt many times!

I like your title by the way :)

Serena said...

I trusted a person, a person I thought I loved and he broke my heart. No doubt I will trust again but for now I don't. Good to hear I'm not alone x

Holly Golightly said...

I used to trust openly, and then I had my heart broken two times in a row. I began to really believe in "hurt me once, hurt me twice" even if it was with two different people. I vowed there wouldn't be a third time until I knew I was strong enough to trust completely knowing I might get burned in the end.

Now, I'm trusting in someone else and it's helped me become even stronger and more confident in who I am.

Amazing post... seriously!

Babs said...

I just trust people. sure you'll get screwed over, but nothing makes you feel more alive than getting 'racked.' waves of pain will wash over you yes, but alive you will feel....

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Felisa- thank you so much :) It's a scary visual isnt it? lol

serena- ah yes, isn't that what the blog world is all about? Letting people they're not alone in some way

bab-s you have a very good point....very good indeed.

shine said...

I refuse, REFUSE to be bitter and cynical. I will always put my whole self in, it just may take a little longer now.

There's a difference between careful and stupid, you know?

I got burned. BADLY. And the hardest part of all of it was the realization that none of it was really ever even about me. I could have been anyone. Ouch.

Kellie said...

I always trust initially until you give me a reason not to. May not be the smartest move, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt...

laurwilk said...

I trust easily. And while it doesn't always work out as I had hoped - I'll keep trusting. The best things in life happen when you are completely unguarded.

Fantastic post!

Little Ms Blogger said...

It takes a while for me to really let anyone in. However, when I do, I'm all in.

I've been hurt, but realize there was a reason that person was in my life.

I'm happily married and completely trust the person I'm with. Trust is based upon respect and we both respect the other person.

Jess said...

I'm fairly trusting when it comes to friends and family. My feeling is, if someone violates my trust that's their problem, you know? I mean, it's mine too but they're the one doing the bad thing. I totally trust my parents, sister, and husband to always have my best interests in mind even if they do things I don't agree with.

typographysnob said...

I have struggled with this issue in my own relationship. The boyfriend lied to my face, but with all the details laid out, I decided I could and wanted to forgive him. Trust me, you have to want it. Basically rebuilding trust just takes time. A lot of time. But slowly and surely it does rebuild and you can repair the damage.
Of course, I am the type of person who has a hard time trusting anybody other than myself. Doesn't really matter who they are, I kind of have to force myself to trust.

Katelin said...

sometimes i think i'm too trusting, but i guess that's okay for now.

nicoleantoinette said...

Boo. I wish I was sitting on your couch watching So You Think You Can Dance tonight.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nicoleantoinette- UGH! I wish you were here too!

Gabbi said...

Deep thoughts dear Chelsea... I know what you mean maybe? I trust my instincts more and more and sometimes I don't want to trust them, because it may not be what I want to hear, but they're almost always right. But no matter how scary trusting 'love' of strangers (not family or friends) may be it's always good to do. It's good to be fearless and optimistic in that respect. It's a better way to live I think. Great post. I hope I didn't ramble on too much here?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

gabbi- you didn't ramble too much at all. That's what I want people to do! Thanks so much for stopping by the blog.

Anonymous said...

God. I know its been said before and will be again and again, but I love reading your blog. I want to wish you all the success and blahblah in the world, because thats what we do for people we respect and admire. however I wish you that you would always stay this way- on the cusp of brilliance. because the minute we achieve the things we want most is the second (minute, hour..) that we become unrelatable. You are my sister, my best friend.. ME and I feel like all my inner-jealousy, envy, etc.. would ruin my appreciation if you scored a spectacular movie role or headlined some great tour (or even opened for, like, the shins).

Dont get me wrong, it was sort of an epiphany I had 2.5 seconds ago. We all wish eachother the best, but do we? really? because if we fail we can all get along, but if I succeed, where does that leave you?

Chelsea you rock. keep on

Elizabeth Marie said...

This is gorgeous. I agree with what you said in an earlier comment-basically no matter how much it hurt, I'd do it again because the reward is so much greater.

I hope everything works out for you! XO

maeghan said...

This is such a beautiful post and so spot-on! I trust... that when it's the right person, it's completely worth it--even when it means we sometimes get hurt.

easytravel said...

thanks for share. great job. I like your posting.good job.See you on my blog also. thanks

LBluca77 said...

I trust with caution until one earns my trust, which can take a long time for some people. But trust is some tricky business.

elena-lu said...

i love to love people but i get let down a lot so over the years ive become less trusting i think!

Heff said...

TRUST NO-ONE. It's safer that way.

Miss Rosa said...

Wow. Just trying to figure this out, like, this week too! Glad someone understands what I'm thinking.

Georgia said...

Wow, this was so spot on. It also made me yearn for that learning phase, as it's been quite a while since I've gotten to know someone that way, and of course since I've let someone learn about me that way, too.

I'm very quick, probably too quick, to deny someone of that trust once they've betrayed it. But really, trust is something that must be earned by both parties. That is how bonds are kept and made stronger.

So glad I found your blog. I really love your writing!!! xox

Ryan said...

The way you love me is fantastic. I will always always love you and you can trust me wholly.

Jamie D said...

that was amazing! and so true.

Chessa! said...

thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving such a wonderful comment. so happy you did bc it brought me here. thanks for sharing this insight. I trust people but only certain people...and I definitely trust love. I trust that certain love never dies and only gets stronger. for me, it's my lifeblood.

Jessica Marie said...

trust is so hard.. i'm learning how to trust though :D

...love Maegan said...

Your title and photo are hilarious ...and yes, it takes me quite a while to trust people

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anonymous- wow, I really wish I knew who you were!....do i? :) I really appreciate your comment...and understand what you mean. Though I think everyone can become unrelatable, that's just a matter of disconnecting, not of success as much....which often the two go hand in hand- for me disconnecting from my thoughts, emotion, words, isn't an option.....I wouldn't be able to function. So I HOPE that I don't let anyone including myself down in that respect, now or in the future...when I open for the shins ;)

elizabeth marie- thank you so much :)

maegen- i AGREE, it is so worth it.....even when it hurts.

heff- haha....I appreciate your hoenst opinion. lol.

miss rosa- I'm glad I have someone that understands!

georgia- thank you so much for coming by! I loved your blog also :)

ryan- aw.....hi babe.

jamie d- thank you so much for stopping by!

chessa- I love your comments, thanks so much for being such an awesome new blog friend!!

Katie said...

I don't trust easily. I may appear to on the outside, but I really don't. Trust is so easily broken and so hard to get back, but taking that leap is so necessary. Otherwise a real, rewarding relationship isn't even possible.

Awesome Sara said...

neat blog!!! thanks for leaving a comment on my bloggie!

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

me and trust fight alot. specifically when it's in regard to men...

not good.

Joyce said...

A great post! Trust can be so easily broken, but when you do find the perfect person it is a feeling of walking around with a net under your feet. Xoxo

InmateK8 said...

The best example is the movie "eternal sunshine on the spotless mind"; something attracts people to each other no matter how badly they end up hating each other. So it's interesting to think that if you could have them erased from your memory, you would probably end up liking them all over again should you both meet.

SassyGirl said...

I have serious trust issues. As in, if I didn't know how to swim, I would definitely not let anyone dunk me. Not my parents, not my BFFs, not my boyfriend, nobody.

So yeah, I don't think I really trust anyone... except myself.

Lola said...

This is a great post.

Stopping by for the June 1000 Comment Challenge.

http://lolasdiner.blogspot.com
http://lolasvictorygarden.blogspot.com
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Summer said...

Relationships with men have always been exhausting to me. Until my husband, I was a "walk away girl." But I've stuck this one out, and discovered a lot about my expectations. Almost every long relationship/marriage has "bumps in the road." Sometimes the bump is huge, sometimes it's small.

It's very hard for me to trust, so if that trust is broken, I can't get back to a sense of normalcy in a relationship. Not saying that I won't try, but it's not in my nature to just let it go.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I am pretty trusting...but you only get one chance with me. I wouldn't say I have trust issues, but I would say I have grudge-holding issues.

Lisa Chelle said...

Thank you for writing this post! I, after a bad marriage, didn't trust. Then you miss out on quite a bit. So you pick up the pieces and trust again, becuase every reward has a risk. I remind the boy, that he has my heart on a plate, and to please be careful with it.

LiLu said...

This is absolutely beautiful, dear. I stopped for a while, definitely... but I found someone who made me believe again.

I know how lucky I am.

readsalot said...

Omissions make it hard to trust as well. The only thing I can say is that if you believe in someone, you can only hope that they won't hurt you. You just trust those you love and believe that they love you too.

Jay Ferris said...

So this post was about anal, right?

down and out chic said...

i'm sorry, jay's comment has thrown me for a loop...whew, anyway...
your honesty and obvious ability to write is a powerful combination. trust is something i'll never understand, but i try to, a little bit, everyday.

Anonymous said...

When you realize that almost everyone ,eventually ,falls in love; you also realize that no sense can be made of "chemistry". It seems to match people, who normally might not even like each other as friends.God does have a sense of humor.LOL!
I only know one thing, for sure, and that is that anger is an unecessary and dangerous emotion.People who are angry and have never been abused,could be a little mental.Maybe too smart, or something. I'm glad that i'm not so smart, because I'm just happy to be alive.And, I have definitely been in love and had my heart crushed, a few times.

DShan said...

This is a genius bit of writing, C. You've placed your 'pencil' in that little corner where Trust and Faith shake hands...one neccessitates the other. It's a truly human experience to both offer someone else real trust and, under unfortunate circumstances have that trust broken.

First of all, I think about Trust a lot, which is why I'm capilizing it. That's got a lot to do with my day job as well as my approach to my digital life. I think Trust is the new currency, and we're just figuring out what that means.

But between lovers, Trust is a whole 'nother ballgame. It's a dance, and one that neither party gets to play the expert at. I've always leaned towards trusting people until they prove unworthy, but I think that it always comes down to where your needs are. I tend to be an emotionally comfortable person, so I trust myself (there's that word again) to survive any real pain I might be open to by opening up. Some people have had it rough, and they need a little more from their partner in the way of reassurance.

I think closing yourself off too much will result in regret, so I always encourage people to let it ride a bit, but it's not for everyone.

Shawna said...

I have huge trust issues. I've been lucky enough to be cheated on in 2 out of 3 of my longest relationships. These days I'm back to casual dating, no expectations, polygamous (in a sense) dating schemes, with a blase I'll-end-it-before-I-get-hurt air. There are plenty of boys out there... Until I find someone who can prove to me he is trustworthy, I guess I'll keep going through them like tubes of lipgloss!

Shawna's Study Abroad

Shawna said...

P.S. I watch SYTYCD religiously :)

Ella said...

this dog's been kicked too many times. i hope the day will come when i can have that kind of faith to hand my baby over. but not today.

floreta said...

wow. this is beautiful and such true sentiments.

laurwilk said...

I keep revisiting and rereading this post. It's fantastic. It makes me think, question, analyze, while at the same time reminding me to count my blessings.

Erin said...

I love the post.

Trusting is exactly how you described it and is completely scary. But it is always worth it to put yourself 100% in, no matter what the outcome.

Mrs.Zeus said...

So TRUE!!!

Thanks for writing this!

Found your blog from 20SB, just dropping by.

http://mrszeus.blogspot.com/

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

wow- I'm overwhelmed by the amount of lovely comments everyone has left me....thanks for sharing our stories, for reading, and for reminding me why I love to blog...there's an amazing community of people. CHEERS.

amandablogandkiss said...

Holy shit this couldn't have come at a better time. I found out 2 weeks ago that the person I trusted the most betrayed me. In the worst way possible. And then lied about it to my face although I knew something was off.

I'm struggling between forgiveness and flight. It literally changes about every ten minutes. I have no idea what will happen next.

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