Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Who Gives a Shit RIGHT?


You want feelings? Yes, I have feelings. I've gotten good at saying what I know people want to hear, apparently. The truth is, lately deciding what I feel hasn't been as close to the surface as it used to be. Feelings used to be palpable to me. Like hair raising on the back of you neck, goosebumps up the spine, like hovering your hand over the top of a stove, or feeling electricity spark off of another person's body when your lips are inches apart and the breathe between you is the only barrier.  My feelings used to drip from a pulsating "heart on the sleeve" down my arm like a juicy, perfectly ripe peach. My feelings with a usual range of 0-5,000 are at a steady , unyielding WHOPPING level 1. My feelings, USED to be like that. They're apparently on vacation. 


Lately they  (and I) have become various shades of neutral. Their soundtrack is of early alarm clocks, bare feet shuffling across my hardwood floor, the flick of light switches, power buttons and everyday Greek yogurt parfait making. There's this very poorly concealed feeling of routine and unimaginative motion in my presence. Instead of really "getting wild" or even just slightly creative, I've sort of let apathy take the wheel. It's like, eh, my hair could look good....but who cares. Or, I could really work hard to get rid of that extra giggle in my waistline....but who cares. I could stay up for fifty more hours and work tirelessly towards a thing that may never, ever come and at this point....who cares. I could call, I could try, I could surrender, I could cook, I could join, I could say....and so on....but, who cares. Uninspiring? Yeah, no shit. I'm no Pollyanna tonight. This isn't your routine self-help pick me up. Wa wa waaaaaa.


The day-t0-day motivation that has governed, strictly directed and conducted my existence for the past four years has become such a part of my mainstream life, that its slowly turned into something, frankly, unremarkable. The drive behind all my actions is now habit, it isn't sparked by some divine inspiration. It's business. And when something that you love turns into "business" the spirit of the thing itself is threatened. The spirit now has rules, the spirit now has obligations and expectations. 


There's days where I feel like everything I'm doing is replaceable and the worst part is that it IS.  If they hadn't hired me, they would've hired someone else, if we hadn't met you'd be meeting so and so, if I didn't show, if I quit, if I gave up, all things which I've decided "validate" my existence would prove their worthlessness. Whether I show up or someone else does, who cares. I used to call my best fried "brick brain" when she would fall into this impenetrable state of aloofness, this sort of head-detached-from-body -stoicism, then when I put myself on the other side of a conversation with me recently all I see is this gigantic CLOUD where I should be, behind it a BRICK WALL.


Every word for apathy pertains to me right now and THAT is how I'm feeling. I don't feel funny, or super witty and brilliant. I don't feel sexy or seductive. I don't feel like I could walk into a room and beam "good energy Starlet magnetism." I don't feel like emails are that important, I don't feel like the voicemails, or the conference calls, or the blogging, or the obligations mean ANYTHING. I am detached. I'm halfhearted and overly caffeinated. I am unfeeling, emotionless, aloof and indifferent.


My organs, every inch of the inside of my body feels asleep. No amount of yoga, or a stair stepper or someone hiding behind a corner to shock me into the present would do anything to "plug" me back into to being. What will? At this point...who cares










44 comments:

Stephenie said...

You have just expressed everything that I have been feeling for the last... who knows how long. Momentary inspiration, passion and drive come every so often, but for the most part I feel as though not a thing has any depth, meaning or excitement. I am searching tirelessly for a purpose, for meaning for something bigger than the nine to five. Love this post.

sid said...

What happened to you? Yesterday you were all making "bucket" lists and now?
I'm at the point where I just don't want what I have now. I want to be in a different space. I want to evolve AND FAST. I want change and adventure AND I want it NOW. I'm so desperate for this that I might just pack my suitcase and buy a plane ticket to Thailand.

Jules said...

It sucks when you realize that ANYONE could take your place at work. But not ANYONE can be you in this world. You do touch people's lives.

Herding Cats said...

Whenever I feel this way, I get out of town. Could be a day trip, could be a weekend. Just leave, go somewhere new, and I promise you'll come back feeling even a little bit better. Honestly, it sounds like you are bored and need new energy.

Matt said...

Chels...

come here. I've got some tequila that will brighten your day.

kwerk said...

Man, have I been there...still am a little bit and still desperately wanting to work my way out of it. I know for me, there was just a spark all of a sudden. Nothing huge or existential, just something small that made my eyes get big and got the wheels in my head turning. From there is been little pushes and it's often a stop and go process, but I'm getting there.

I hope you find that spark, and I know it will be amazing when you do. :)

Serena said...

I could have written that post not so long ago. I didn't feel special, like I didn't have a place in the world and everything was just 'ok'. I wasn't passionate about anything, felt completely expendable and couldn't find the 'thing' to kick start my spark again. I'm slowly getting there but it's taken a while.

We're here for you before and after you find that 'spark' hun x

Erin said...

Been feeling this lately. Blame it on the recession, that is my only explanation. I'm usually right on the ball with what I want, and lately not so much...

Surfergrrl said...

yeah, it's called a funk. I've been in a little one myself the last week or so. then, just when you least expect it, you will feel fabulous again. Just ride it out.

Sebastian said...

It's at this kind of juncture I normally use my famous battle cry:

Emooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Get well soon, mademoiselle Chelsea.

just me said...

I feel you, girl. It's this age. The mid-twenties are bizarre.

When can we meet over coffee and fattening baked goods and plot ways to become famous?

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

sid- I know! what did happen?!?!?! I'M A ROLLERCOASTER.

WHAT CAN I SAY??!

Jules- :) thanks Jules.

Matt- I am fully aware that if I need a shot of tequila I can call you up, thanks friend for the words of encouragement :)

kwerk- thanks doll.

serena- thank you, hopefully it's soon!

erin- that could definitly be it.

sebastian- I'M SO EMO TODAY. true story.

just me- ok, that sounds amazing and long overdue anyway.

pinkjellybaby said...

"feeling electricity spark off of another person's body when your lips are inches apart"

maaaaaaan I miss that feeling. Why is it that I don't get it any more...am I just to old?

Sebastian said...

Read my little story about why life is better when we're young, and gets more dulled and bitter as we grow old:
http://blog.mrseb.co.uk/2009/04/when-we-were-young-the-world-was-so-beautiful/

It probably won't answer any questions, but it might be interesting at the very least.

Jay Ferris said...

Maybe you should become a cokehead for a while? Fly high for a month, get LOTS done, then crash and burn and spend a few months in rehab. It's like rebooting your entire system.

Pam said...

I have days like that. Actually I have months like that. And right now I'm feeling it. I'm at a point where why does it matter if I pick up the phone and call so and so, or clean my house. It does pass but sometimes it takes a while.

chattervault said...

I get this a lot. I feel like my dreams are not going to happen and I am just going thru the same boring routine every day. What works for me is to do something that terrifies me. Not like there's a strong chance I may die from this, but something that pulls me out of my comfort zone and takes all my concentration and worry. For me, it's acting. I am a behind the scenes kinda gal, so that is one thing I feel good about every time I overcome my fear of.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

pinkjellybelly- I dont think it should go away, there's noa ge limit :)

Sebastian- Oh man, will this depress me? I'll check it out.

Jayferrs-THIS IS A GREAT IDEA :)

Pam-yes, this too shall pass right.

chattervault-Thats a great point, getting out the your comfort zone....hm...

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Awww...I hope your feeling better soon. Life is a roller coaster, one minute where so high up and the next minute where on the panic ride of our lives... just enjoy the ride. hope you feel better soon. take care. =)

Mike said...

Sounds like your having a midlife crisis to me.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

chinkygirlmel- Thanks!!

Mike- who the eff knows. Quarterlife crisis? yeah probably.

Loredana said...

This post has been printed and put on my refridgerator. It not only descirbes the way I feel at times, but the writing is impeccable!

Ana from far away! said...

It happens to me also, there are a lot of meaningless days but very few days that are worth it. I´m starting to think that this has something to do with reaching the comfort zone in an extreme way.

Jessica said...

Well, you just wrote the story of my life for the last few months. If you manage to get feeling like yourself again, let me know how you did it. Please.

LiLu said...

"There's days where I feel like everything I'm doing is replaceable and the worst part is that it IS."

Oh. Hi. Yup.

That's why I left my last job... and while I'm still replaceable at my new one, at least I respect the company I'm making copies for now.

Sigh. I guess this is life?

nory said...

It's going around in the water as of late I think. It's not just you! (and thanks for reading/commenting on my blog!)

Ali said...

Sadly, I could not agree with you more. How does one get herself out of this rut?

Lisa Chelle said...

I so had a quarter life crisis. Nothing was as good or amazing anymore, everything was gray.

Not to get all goody, goody on you, but volunteer. When you make a difference in the life of another, it will make a difference in your own.

Or take Option 2: Get drunk on Sweet tea vodka in the middle of the afternoon.

xoxo, Lis

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

lordana- thank you so much! I really appreciate you stopping by the blog!

ana- true, I'm very. very. comfortable now.

jessica- I will, and I hope it's soon.

LiLu-I DONT WANT IT TO BE LIIFFFFFE AAAAHHH!

nory- no problem, thank you!

Ali- what it out? change it up?

Lisa chelle- thats not goody goody, it's a great idea. Iagree.

Margarita said...

Everyone feels like this. But you have to turn it around into there is a reason why it's YOU and not someone else....

Good luck.

Or else tequila does help.

Or wine ;)

little miss twenty-something said...

I so know where you're coming from here. Have been feeling exactly the same recently. My tip is to be around your friends more, for me they are the ones that get me, the real me and to our friends we are usually irreplaceable. Having said that pessimism produces great writing... the 'tortured artist' thing and this post certainly proves that! Loving the blog

Je said...

I feel like it's impossible to be 25-29 and not feel like this. SO MANY of my friends have this apathetic, "This is IT?!!" feeling. I think it comes from realizing the the life we've lived before college, during and right after was SUPER fun, and as we get older, we get further and further away from that fun. Corporate worlds start to set in...and the reality that this could be our lives for the next FORTY THREE YEARS.
More and more lately I've thought of scraping my fancy desk job I spent more than 20K in college for, and just being something simple and fun - like a make-up artist or lifetime barista. I love both of those things, and they never gave me any heartache.

Oh, 20s, how tough you are.

Anna said...

I totally feel you on this. I've got some serious cabin fever lately, even when I'm outdoors! I feel like I need to get out - but I just don't know where to. I blame the age, too. Quarter(ish) life crisis, man.

And p.s. thanks for saying hi :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anna- thank you and youre welcome and definitely, quarterlife. DEFINITELY.

je- I agree. i think part of my issue is also the fact thatI am 20something with very little, IF ANY stability...so it isn't necessarily the boredom from being in some "life career"....it's an interesting place to be in for sure.

little miss twentysomething- The girls are coming over tonight, and yes that definitly helps. Thank you for stopping by the blog!

margarita- I love tequila.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anna- thank you and youre welcome and definitely, quarterlife. DEFINITELY.

je- I agree. i think part of my issue is also the fact thatI am 20something with very little, IF ANY stability...so it isn't necessarily the boredom from being in some "life career"....it's an interesting place to be in for sure.

little miss twentysomething- The girls are coming over tonight, and yes that definitly helps. Thank you for stopping by the blog!

margarita- I love tequila.

Little Miss Chatter Box said...

hi, thanks for stoping by..as you see i returned the favor! : )

Lori said...

Okay creepy stalker, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Seriously, I wrote down in my notes that my next post was going to be about "indifference", since I apparently don't care about anything in my life right now. I can't stand that I am so NUMB. Lack of passion is a serious problem.

My therapist (yep, got one of those - hasn't helped yet) said that it is because I built up too many walls around me so that I wouldn't be vulnerable. Apparently lack of vulnerability makes you feelingless? Yeah, I haven't figured it out either.

I like Herding Cats idea: a vacation. You need one of those crazy old fashioned road trips - where you just get on the road and go.

Or become a cokehead.

I am doing the later. Thanks for the suggestion Jay!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

little miss chatterbox- Thanks!!

Lori-I want a therapist! Also...I think maybe a coke/roadtrip? Wow. lol.

Erica said...

Is it bad that I thoroughly enjoyed this post? Not in a I-enjoy-watching-other-people-suffer kind of way. More like an I-completely-understand-and-I'm-able-to-empathize-with-you kind of way. I love my boyfriend, my cat, my life, my job, etc. But sometimes I want to drop EVERYTHING and run off to Paris or some crazy unknown place and be someone else. *sigh*

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

erica- at some point I will DEFINITELY drop everything and move to paris....for at least a month :)

readsalot said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I feel useless and a big part of that is I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I also have no idea how to figure it out.

Sassy Molassy said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes it's like "SO WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS FOR? WHAT's IT WORTH?"

Chessa! said...

I love your blog. love. My feelings have been on vacation lately too...that's the best way to describe it. Like I'm just floating through...

Thao said...

I adore that painting, by the way--I had it hanging up in my apartment for the longest time.

 
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