Monday, July 6, 2009

"Do you love me as much as you love your legs?"

"Do you love me as much as you love your legs???"

My Love, "Well-that's an unfair, would I cut my legs off for you?"

CTS, "No, you love walking right? So do you love me as much as you enjoy having legs to walk......?"

"Chels, that's an absolutely ridiculous question. I love having legs, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

And see people, this is one of the many questions that I pummel my boyfriend with on a rather consistent basis. Initially, when we started dating I wanted to be that really secure, totally "chill", girlfriend who was just all good all the time. I didn't want to call too often, or ask too many questions. I didn't want to ask him if he thought my knee caps were getting fat or if he thought I was socially awkward.
I didn't want to ask about his ex-girlfriends, or his first blow job. I didn't want to pry- I wanted to know what I knew, which he would just tell me without asking- because I wanted to be just that secure.

I didn't want him to know sometimes I hate my body. That I pinch, stare and over analyze until I vow to eat cabbage for the rest of my life. I didn't want to reveal that sometimes I'm insecure that my skin it too oily, or that my posture looks like the Hunchback, or that I wonder when someone is staring at my face if they're counting my black heads- or notice my crooked nose.

I didn't want him to know raw meat freaks me the fuck out and so does riding in his passenger seat.

I didn't want him to know that I worry a lot, or that I'm afraid to sleep in my big house alone for fear of a pack of wild burglars with tazers. I didn't want him to know that I'm not as tough as I come off. That sometimes I'm overly proud because I'm overly compensating.

Trying to act overly secure never lasts.

Because at the end of the day, when our guards are down, when my makeup is off, when the zit cream is on and there's just the slightest view of a muffin top over my skimpy boy shorts- you can't hide your insecurities. They're all there. All exposed. Your heart lays delicately in their hands and so does everything else that comes with it, stretch marks and weird fears of rabbits included.

In love, all of the walls need to crumble. You're naked. You're sweaty. You're sick. You're scared. You're communicating. You cry. Sometimes you even vomit birthday cake into their brand new trash can and cry at the same time.

Like I've always said, once someone has seen your "O Face" or popped one of your zits for you, all bets are off.

So yes, sometimes- I'll ask you if you love me as much as you love your legs. Some days I'll talk a little too much about the size of my inner thighs, and some days I'll ask you to remind me that you love me, even though I do you do. And in return, you can ask me if you have dandruff for the rest of your life and I won't mind, deal?



Camels & Chocolate said...

I'm the jealous type. I don't want to know anything about his exes, but I always fear one of them is going to pop back into the picture, and he's going to decide he was better off with her. (Coincidentally, this comes right after TWO of his exes just happened to e-mail him after years, a fact I'd rather not have been told.)

shine said...

My squishy. All of it.

A Margarita said...

My inner thighs and mushy stomach. As well as my nose.

Jess said...

In every relationship I've been in except my current one, I had to ask constant ridiculous questions to get affirmations of love. In this one, Torsten constantly affirms how much I love him without me having to ask. It's such a relief and I feel so much less shrewish.

Not that I don't SOMETIMES ask ridiculous questions, usually about my body, or that people who do ask more such questions have a problem. I'm just glad that things are the way they are with us.

meg said...

I'm insecure about the past. I wrote about this after one of your posts inspired me, but it still bothers me. I'm always comparing myself to my boyfriend's exes - even if they were just meaningless flings - because I don't have a significant relationship past of my own. It's weird and annoying, but I'm confronting this insecurity head on and believe I'm slowly defeating it!

FB @ said...

AWesome post.

I guess my insecurity would be not knowing enough about BF, in great detail about his family, friends and life.

I on the other hand, blab about everything to the point where he's overwhelmed

he's just more of a quiet, conservative "ask me what you want but I won't offer info" kind of guy

he just doesn't think it's important to talk about being young LOL

whereas I think it tells me a lot about how he grew up and became who he is

Anonymous said...

GREAT post. I think you are dead on. At the beginning, I worry about every single cellulite dimple, chin hair, possible booger, and a piece of pepper in my teeth all the time. It's crazy and hilarious all at once.

Rachael said...

Oh, goodness. Lately I've become so aware of just how insecure I am. Everything you mentioned and more.

I completely relate to your post, it reminds me a lot of me and my bf.

Amy said...

I think FB and I are long-lost twins because Peter and I have the same issue. My favourite thing to talk about is myself, but I have to ask him for deets about his childhood and wild oat sowing days.

I have lots of body insecurities. I have a front tooth that overlaps the tooth next to it a little...drives me crazy. I don't like my legs (think they're stumpy and short). In general I'm just meh about my body overall.

Hillary said...

I am constantly insecure about the fact that there is a 2-size difference between my top and my bottom. I am always asking my husband if what I'm wearing emphasizes how pear-shaped I am. I don't think he even hears me anymore.

Egypt said...

This is a GREAT POST! I LOVE IT! I get insecure because I don't look like any of his exes...

Unknown said...


Ali said...

Oh Chelsea, I just love the way you write. You seriously have the cajones to express the fears and thoughts of SO many girls out there. And for that you're one of my favorites. :)

Herding Cats said...

I'm insecure about a lot, but I also have this huge amount of pride in which I try really hard not to be the girl that questions my "ugly spots." I still do it...rather silently. I used to date guys that wouldn't validate me unless I asked (which I refused to I just figured I was hideous all the time). Now I date someone that validates me without my having to pry. All in all, we are all insecure about our bodies, but we can find men that love us for even those insecurities (and it sounds like you have one of those guys)...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

camels- I am too. Oh man, I am too.

Shine and marg- I guess aren't we all?

Jess-I have to say my love is also amazing at expressing how much he loves me and I'm just a nut job.

holly golightly- I'm insecure about the past too....especially when you have a lot of unanswered questions.

FB-that's interesting that would definitely bother me too. I always want to know verything!

mollie- chin hair? totally.

rachael- I'm glad you can relate!

amy- is it just the majority of women? I think it is. I wish that could change.... :(

hillary- YES, MINE STOPS LISTENING TOOOOOO. I guess theyd have to to not go insane?

egypt and oliva- thank you!!! :)

Ali- thank you so much. That really means a lot, because lord knows I try to just be as close to the truth as possible. lol. which isn't always eay to tear you bleeding heart out of your chest and put in on a blog :) lol. I really appreciate your comment, thank you darling :)

BonBon Rose Girls Kristin said...

You've perfectly captured the unreasonable but so reasonable to us inner workings of girls.

Taren said...

this was probably my favorite thing ever... today. i liked it ;)

Katelin said...

i have definitely done this to matt too, haha. ask ridiculous questions just because. i don't think it's because i'm insecure though, i think i just like to be reassured, but if that equals insecurity than i guess i have a small case of it, haha.

Jenni said...

You are such an amazing writer and this post is just great. I was in a relationship like this in the past, but have since broke it off, and reading this brought me back to that happy place once again. Where asking all of those silly questions is good and having a boy to pop your zits or want to see you naked and sweaty all the time is the good stuff. Ah, how I miss that. Again, great post!

Megan said...

This post describes love so well. :)

Insecurities? The small bit of pudge on my belly. Ah, well.

Thao said...

Oh, I love this post--and it's so true. I'm definitely insecure about exes...

alexa @clevelandsaplum said...

how much time to you have cause i got a novel worth of things that i'm insecure about.

but on the flip and more positive side i have a novel worth of things that i love and am confident about.

Bayjb said...

I'm ridiculously insecure about my stomach. I seriously get very funny about it. That and sometimes my boobs. They're big.

Anonymous said...

Great post. :o) Ever read the story Cap O'Reeds? It's a fairy tale where the father asks his three daughters how much they love him, and the first two who don't really give him these sickly sweet answers, but the third says, "I love you more than meat loves salt," which he thinks is ridiculous and exiles her, and she ends up marrying a prince, and at the reception, her father happens to be there, so she takes the salt off the meat, and then he realizes what she meant all those years ago.

Sorry, your question to your boyfriend reminded me of that. lol

Erin said...

I'm most insecure about my face without makeup. I feel like my BF can see all my imperfections or just the fact that my eyes look smaller, etc... I ask silly questions as well.

Laura. said...

oh, yeah, i hear you. i think it helped having a boyfriend who was really affirming all the time about my body. he never saw or expressed flaws. . . sigh.

Anonymous said...

Lovely post! Thanks for stopping by and saying hi on my blog. Hmmmm....what am I insecure about....I'm kind of insecure about my forehead. I know it sounds really weird, but I'm a little weird too :)

Mishi said...

I just have one comment - CABBAGE IS NOT THE ANSWER. At least throw in a little broccoli now and again.

I am insecure about too many things to list in a public forum.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

taren- thank you and thanks for coming by the blog!!


Jenni- thank you so much :)

I noticed so many women are insecure about their stomachs, damn them bellies!

laura- mine hasnt either actually, we're lucky girls :)

nicole- Aren't we all a little weird?

mishi- at least you're honest. lol. I'll throw in broccoli AND an apple every now and then :)

Iva Messy said...

this might have been one of the most real posts I have ever come across. I think your openness actually shows your beauty...and how strong you really are.

{oh, and, rabbit fears? ha! I'm terrified of cows!}

nicole mountz said...

you are just amazing. every single one of your posts make me smile...and giggle :) i think its funny that when my friends complain about their weight or their big nose i honestly do not see it and i tell them that they are crazy..wondering why they think that in the first place. but me? im allowed to be insecure about my belly...about my thighs...and about my frizzy hair and bushy eye brows!! hehe but ive learned to embrace the whole package ;)

Lily said...

the double chin i get in pictures. hate that.

loved this post!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Iva- thank you so much. I've never had a hard time expressing things that may be uncomfortable for people.....but it sure doesn't always feel beautiful when you're doing it!

Nicole addison-learning to embrace the whole package is definitey the idea!! And thank you for leaving such a lovely comment. I definitely have days when I can embrace the whole package and then there's day when I want to throw the package out. lol.

nicole antoinette said...

Being boring.

Celia said...

uh, i'm just going to have to link your blog because it's rad. i love this post! i wrote a similar one some time back...

let's see, what am i NOT insecure about?!? i grew up in l.a., which basically sets me up for being grossly insecure about everything. i'd rattle off the list, but i don't like looking like a crazy when just meeting someone.

two things i'm actually totally fine with...
1. i also have a crooked nose, and so does harrison ford. i like to think it adds character.
2. ex-girlfriends. i feel very blessed to not have this issue. one of my mister's ex-girlfriends designed our wedding invitations. i love her! she's super cool, and i'm so glad that she can be a part of our lives, we can get a drink together, and everything is just splendid! weird, i know.

Abra said...

ugh this post is SO true. and it's frustrating, because i know it's easier to love a secure person. after a few months, though, i just become so curious! to the point where it drives me nuts.

i was a spiral of insecurity for a few weeks, and it was terrible. TODAY, though, i'm secure. because in my boyfriend's life, there are women crazier than me and it makes me look perfect hahaha. and all i care about is winning those comparisons :P

Anonymous said...

My stomach. I am very insecure about my stomach. And my butt.

I asked him the other day if my stomach grosses him out when we do the nasty and he said that he doesn't really notice when my boobs are all up in his face.

I realised then that men have other priorities and I should sweat the squishy stuff.

God, I love your blog.

You know it's an awesome blog when you can talk about these things in the comment section.

Anonymous said...

That would be SHOULDN'T.

Frannie said...

That was simply beautiful and completely naked and raw. Love it, so much.

I guess you could say I do get jealous sometimes, and I HATE it. It can bring on a wave of insecurities and makes you feel like a nut for feeling that way. *sigh*

Sid said...

I was planning on writing a blog post on all the things I'm afraid of e.g. snakes, breast cancer, getting fat etc but I simply couldn't allow myself look vulnerable, you know?

Rebel Mel said...

You should totally add a following link to your blog so I can lurk you all the time. Maybe you had one and I was blind and missed it =)

Nicey said...

I am loving the blog you washed up hippy ;) keep on doing what you keep on doing


Mb said...

I love this post. One thing I've found that as my bf and I are together longer, our insecurities show more. Maybe because we want to be the best we can be for the other person as we fall deeper in love?

Mandy said...

i'm definitely going to ask my "boy space friend" if he loves me as much as he loves his legs.

my body is getting really soft, and i have a lot of stretch marks (without even having kids). those are undoubtedly my biggest insecurities.

Allison M. said...

gravity slowly hitting my chest and my profile, I will get a small nose job, I will!

Carmen said...

oh my... this is a beautiful post. beautiful. i'm also insecure about so many things but i hide that with a tough outter shell. i like my body but i have specific things that i don't like about it and it's tough to love the overall thing and not concentrate on the little things. good for you for reaching that point with your boy. :)

Anonymous said...

my body... seventy times a day.

But my husband loves me the way I am. He tells me I'm skinny so I know he's blinded by love alone.

Daniel Alejandro Romano said...

Future, past and present. Those are the answers to your question.

Great Blog
Street Art & Graffiti Blog

Ellie said...

I'm gonna throw a weird one out there. I am insecure about the things I don't like that it seems like everyone else does! It makes me feel disappointing and lame.
For instance:
Roller coasters make me sick :/
Fireworks are just...okay.
I don't like flip-flops or T-shirts.

megabrooke said...

oh how i relate.
im insecure about his past. about his three year relationship prior to me and how i can compare to that? im insecure about him wanting me as much as i want him. even though i know he does. i hate being insecure about it all. it's exhausting.

ellabella said...

brookem is right, being insecure is exhausting but it's impossible to avoid.

i'm insecure about his ex and he and i aren't even together anymore. i used to be incredibly insecure about my entire midsection. also post-sex hair, which sounds silly but mine gets HUGE and i just know its not sexy but getting out of bed afterwards to straighten it isn't really an option? who knows.

Unknown said...

we are very similar you and I...I ask my husband if he loves me and it's almost become sport. He tells me he loves me for the brown spot on my eye and for the way my hip curves...I tell him I love him for his freckles and his daily morning kiss.

I'm not really a jealous girl but I do get a little territorial when women openly flirt with him in front of me...waitresses, young girls on the subway...girls at the gym...NY women are ruthless.

I'm insecure height (I wish I was taller) knobby knees, my frizzy bad hair days...nothing major but somehow they really irk me...

Mademoiselle Deva said...

I'm sorry but did you read every woman's mind??? I’m trying not to ask this kind of questions cos I don’t want to be seen as a freak but there are always two the same. Am I too fat for you? So… how many women did you have? – it’s not literally how I ask them, but the message is VERY clear!

I hate my nails when I'm stressed I'm biting them. I would love to have nice nails and my belly. I would die to have gorgeous abs... these two are killing me when I have a bad day...

best of love girl! deva!

Joy @ BigTimeFancy said...

Everything. I am insecure about everything. And it effing sucks.

rachaelgking said...

Shine said it. I hate watching the jiggle while we're bumping uglies. Sigh.


Brooke said...

Just found you, and this post is awesome! I'm completely comfortable in my relationship now, because I'm pretty sure if my fiance ever found someone else, she would return him back to me pretty quickly ;) I have my insecurities, but so does he, so it's equal. As you said, once you pop each others zits (All the time. Eww, am I admitting this?), all bets are off. Okay, back to reading more of your blog :)

Kaye Prince said...

Hi there! I just wanted to come by and say thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment!

Felisa said...

Yeah I definitely try to seem super secure at first. Like I don't text back IMMEDIATELY even though I do to everyone else because I don't want to seem too eager/obsessed/unstable.

readsalot said...

My body, my weight, my nose, my unemployment, my lack of direction... Should I go on?

Awesome Sara said...

i am a damage person. im irrational and jealous and i have a belly. i am flat chested and i hope my other never gets any common sense otherwise he will realize all the bad stuff about me and realize he could do so much better.

Maxie said...

money issues and my body

Marie-Louise said...

thanks for the comment- it made me laugh :p
and i love how raw your post was- so nice to see that people can be that way. keep it up

Jeanine said...

beautiful post! i'm less insecure than i used to be but now i have more things that i should be insecure about - haha. namely, cellulite, hair turning white, wrinkles, my writing and photography skills, the black rings under my eyes.

Lauren Goddard said...

I try to forget insecurities! They drag me down otherwise. haha.

x x x

Anonymous said...

Amen to the inner thighs! No matter how much weight I lost last year, those damn things never went away. Ugh.

Dash said...

Completey mindblowing post! I love your writing, thank you SO much for stopping over at my blog, cos now I found yours! Its been a real treat to read so far, and looking forward to many more.

What my insecurities are? im currently single but my past insecurities included him finding a more beautiful, intelligent, confident girl.

Margarita @ said...

I love this post, it's very well written. I think everyone has insecurities and sometimes you just need to get past them.

Esther said...

awesome post!

Lauren @ Sassy Molassy said...

Yes, the love handles and fat on my thighs...things I'm not proud of. This comes at a good time bc I'm feeling like I need to open up more and talk to the man about a few things that have been bugging me.

Anonymous said...

I'm insecure about my lovability factor. I just don't think I'm a very loveable person.

Melissa said...

This is a wonderful blog! I love how you acted all hard core at first and are realizing to let your guard down.. I did that with my husband at first. I'm happier after reading this. Thank you!

Alya said...

Hmm.. I'm insecure about my body. Like 99.9999% of the women in the world. I might be insecure about my personality. Like, am I being too naggy, or too pressuring. Am I fun to be around, etc.

By the way, I've got a pair of Current/Elliott jeans to give away at my blog. Come check it out!

Nikki said...

Sigh...I used to be that cool girlfriend too. But then you have to tell them all your insecurities so they don't think you think you're the shit...and then you poop in bed and it's all over from there ;)

Jill Turner said...

Two years into my relationship with my boyfriend...I'm not really secure about much.

At the beginning I was afraid to take my makeup off when I slept over in fear that he would see all my freckles (even though I love them, I didn't know if he would). I was also more insecure about my body than ever before, which was weird. Just the uncertainties when you're getting to know someone causes insecurities.

I love that we're now at the point where none of that matters. He's seen me puny, sick, bloated, dirty, and sweaty. I love me and he loves me even more. :)

El said...

I love this post. I've never been here before, but I'm coming back.

My teeth. I had braces, but I'm missing a tooth on top and so everythings a little off-center, and one side isn't as long as the other side because my orthodontist drastincally shaved down the teeth on one side for some reason. My teeth are the first thing I see in pictures, and I'm self conscious when I smile.

Jessica Marie said...

i'm def. insecure about my thighs. i have a lot of freckles and used to be insecure about those too but i'm over that now. haha


Tonya said...

I worry to much what people think about me. It drives me nuts!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Nicole- you can stop worrying about that- I think it's impossible for you to be boring.

life according to celia- oh yes, I lived in la for a few years and that really did a number on me. lol. You're not crazy :)

sleepy jane- Thank you:) I do like to try and make it an open forum for craziness hear on chelstalkssmack. ;)

nIKKI- OK, That. is awesome.

michelle- tshirts are overrated.

brookem and ellabella- YES, EXHAUSTING INDEED.

Liliu- tmi? NOT AT ALL.

El- yay, thank you for coming by, I love new readers!

Dash- of course! and thank you for taking the time to come by mine!

verybadcat- aw :(......I'm sure you are. I think sometimes before you can be loved, you have to know you are LOVEABLE.

Melissa- thank you :) yes, I do try to act like abad ass......but it only lasts for so long.

jill turner- I love that comfortable man always says I look best when I'm all crusty and havent showered and jsut rolled out of bed. Aw, sigh.

ceecee said...


My fiance always compliments me no matter what I'm wearing, and no matter if I have make up on or not. I like it, it makes me happy, but at the same time, I wonder about my face and how I still get pimples at the age of 25...I worry about a slight muffin top showing when I wear certain pants/shorts.

floreta said...

awww i've played that do you love me game... it stinks. i want to be that secure girl too but i never am :( but its great you acknowledge the less than perfect and make it seem normal because it IS. i don't think we are ever the secure girl that we'd like to be.. no matter how much you can control your jealousies or what have you. i get jealous a lot =/ i'm insecure about my body sometimes too. my face. the fact that i've had face zits for a long ass time that won't seem to go away.. that i come off as shy.. etc. etc.

wutang said...

I JUST started noticing my knee cap fat recently and was all "holy bat shit this means I'm aging!". For the love of god. For the love of Todd! He's with me with lumpy thighs, chubby knee caps, stretch marks, pimples... he takes it all. Just like I take his. I like this post. Makes me remember the important things.

Heather said...

Dude - I am in love with your blog. The more I read, the more I love it. Seriously - your honesty is amazing. And you make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I am COMPLETELY this way. After each relationship ends, I vow to be TOTALLY cool in my next. And I never am. Why is that too hard?!?!

Ms Co-Dependent said...

I think we were separated at birth. Every insecurity you talked about, I have. And I am also terrified of raw meet. Haha. I love you blog.

emma said...

im very insecure with my body, i always feel fat compared to my friends who look like toothpicks. and im also the jealous type. i feel like my boyfriend is gonna choose some girl he sees walking down the street(that i would think he would like) over me.

Raquel said...

great read!
I'm insecure about my nose :X

JKreids said...

Oh my gosh. I had to share this entry with my bf so he can see I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. I regretably mentioned to him recently that, when dating, one shouldn't show all of themselves at first - you have to wait at least six months to let them see you're crazy. He's been shell-shocked ever since... wondering what's next. We've been dating a year now and every day he spends with me is like a day with The Riddler. I ask unnecessary, awkward questions ALL the time.

"Would you love me if I lost my hair/nose/legs/female parts?"

As I wrap a hankerchief around my head and neck (Mother Theresa style), I tell him to imagine me as an old lady - "will you love me when I wear things like this?"

"Does my eyeliner look better just on my top lashes or on both?"

"Would you help me survive if we were stuck in the wilderness or would you eat me?"

... I ask things like that and always try to get him to play Would You Rather. He would rather not.

Just wanted to say, I understand!! I'm insecure to the extreme but you wouldn't know it if you're a part of my life. My boyfriend knows the truth... and I love him for keeping it a secret. :)

Anonymous said...

idk u and you dont know me all that i know is love s to true to worrie about this stuff if heloves you he dont see it. he will love you how yyou are no matter what. even after 40 years when age shows he will still see that young beautifful face he fell ion love with. love is blind to the body. it only sees the soul

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