Confession, I'm actually not that tough.
People don't think I get my feelings hurt, or that I care to know about their Sister's baby, and your day-to-day life, but I DO.
.... I can be self-reliant to a fault, that people assume I'm my own island; friends, lovers, entertainers and therapists all existing on it, leaving no room for any visitors.
And they have a reason to think it, even when I really need advice, or someone to rub my belly and buy me a milkshake when I'm sick, I rarely ask for it.
When I lived in NYC/LA I got used to putting on my Shark outfit every morning after eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and watching The View, that that 100 pound armour became an easy costume to fit into. As a survival mechanism more than anything...I didn't like the way it felt, or the weight of it and more so, sad that Thick Skin is an outfit I wear, even when it's safe to be soft.
When you're so involved with being TOUGH sometimes people stop asking how you are, how you feel, if you want to grab a drink, etc. if they think you're always going to be FINE, or busy, or indifferent whether they invite you to Vegas or not.....When you're so TOUGH and "focused" you end up experiencing a lot of your mini-successes by yourself....
I rarely call to chit-chat, or get advice about an outfit. I don't need to be at every barbecue that you have, but I still want to be invited. I cancel dates, to work and be alone. I like to say "bad ass" things, act unaffected and wear super high heels and eyeliner before noon. To give you a visual.
But, as much as I act like I'll go bananas, I equally want to wave a white flag and cuddle instead. I may not stop for directions, or ask for help- but I want you to offer the help anyway.
Sure, I could slam 6 Gin and Tonics and walk straight, but sometimes I just want to stop at 7-11, buy a Yoohoo! and watch all those shows on TLC about little people.
I'm not afraid of being alone, but that doesn't mean that I don't want the company. I'm not afraid of getting a "no", but that doesn't mean I don't cry a little every time it happens. I may have a million people in my phonebook but there's only about 10 that I LOVE.
I seek adventure constantly, but that doesn't mean I don't ask "how likely is it that this will kill me?" or, "have you seen any bears out here?" about 50 times. I say fuck a lot and talk about my vagina, but that doesn't mean I can't hold a killer conversation with a 5 year old, or your Christian family.
Being self reliant is amazing; it's perfect for defining your voice, your SELF and being proud of it, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I need reassurance just as much as the next guy, I need kisses, love, invites, a nice "well done", or "you look beautiful." I need a good cry and a cookie to make it feel better too.
How "TOUGH" are you????