Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I'm ACTUALLY sort of a pansy.


Confession, I'm actually not that tough.

People don't think I get my feelings hurt, or that I care to know about their Sister's baby, and your day-to-day life, but I DO.

.... I can be self-reliant to a fault, that people assume I'm my own island; friends, lovers, entertainers and therapists all existing on it, leaving no room for any visitors.
And they have a reason to think it, even when I really need advice, or someone to rub my belly and buy me a milkshake when I'm sick, I rarely ask for it.

When I lived in NYC/LA I got used to putting on my Shark outfit every morning after eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and watching The View, that that 100 pound armour became an easy costume to fit into. As a survival mechanism more than anything...I didn't like the way it felt, or the weight of it and more so, sad that Thick Skin is an outfit I wear, even when it's safe to be soft.

When you're so involved with being TOUGH sometimes people stop asking how you are, how you feel, if you want to grab a drink, etc. if they think you're always going to be FINE, or busy, or indifferent whether they invite you to Vegas or not.....When you're so TOUGH and "focused" you end up experiencing a lot of your mini-successes by yourself....

I rarely call to chit-chat, or get advice about an outfit. I don't need to be at every barbecue that you have, but I still want to be invited. I cancel dates, to work and be alone. I like to say "bad ass" things, act unaffected and wear super high heels and eyeliner before noon. To give you a visual.

But, as much as I act like I'll go bananas, I equally want to wave a white flag and cuddle instead. I may not stop for directions, or ask for help- but I want you to offer the help anyway.

Sure, I could slam 6 Gin and Tonics and walk straight, but sometimes I just want to stop at 7-11, buy a Yoohoo! and watch all those shows on TLC about little people.

I'm not afraid of being alone, but that doesn't mean that I don't want the company. I'm not afraid of getting a "no", but that doesn't mean I don't cry a little every time it happens. I may have a million people in my phonebook but there's only about 10 that I LOVE.

I seek adventure constantly, but that doesn't mean I don't ask "how likely is it that this will kill me?" or, "have you seen any bears out here?" about 50 times. I say fuck a lot and talk about my vagina, but that doesn't mean I can't hold a killer conversation with a 5 year old, or your Christian family.

Being self reliant is amazing; it's perfect for defining your voice, your SELF and being proud of it, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I need reassurance just as much as the next guy, I need kisses, love, invites, a nice "well done", or "you look beautiful." I need a good cry and a cookie to make it feel better too.


I tough, but I'm not that tough.



How "TOUGH" are you????








88 comments:

tmamone said...

At work I put on a tough leave-your-baggage-at-the-door-and-let's-get-to-work front, but every one who knows me knows that I am actually the most sensitive emo boy in the world.

calliope_Chaos said...

:) this made my day. I love the way you narrate life, capturing it so eloquently. You perfectly nail down the self reliance vs. being seen as harsh/detached.

thankyou for a brilliant read :)

Sarah said...

i feel like that all the time. i try really hard to be able to do everything for myself, just in case i have to. i think it comes off as me not needing anything from anyone because i'd rather not ask for help. but i sometimes forget that people can't read my mind, so i have to stop being so stubborn and tough and ask for what i want.

AngelaBeth said...

Yes. Word. Amen. I hear ya sistah.
:)
<3

Abra said...

definitely feel the same way. people always refer to me as "strong" - oh she's so "strong," she can get through anything. and while i like to think of myself as a strong, independent person, this doesn't mean that i wouldn't appreciate a kind word or a shoulder to lean on sometimes. or they assume i'm too busy for them. and i AM busy, but i DO want to know how the people i care about are doing. so yeah. definitely relating to your thoughts today :)

Becca Faith said...

This is brilliant. And brave. And apparently ripped from the pages of my autobiography.

Look at the comments you've received. There's a trend; we all feel like we're hidden behind our armour. What if, as women, we decided not to believe in it anymore? What if we made a little promise to not buy into our own bullshit, and thusly de-mystify the BS of all the women we know?

In the meantime, you and I can get together for hard liquor and perfecting our swagger. And whut?!

bakingwithplath said...

Holy shit, we are twins. Really. Only you're more attractive.

Andrea said...

I'm totally with you on this post.

Maxie said...

It's weird. I love it when my friends (true friends, i mean) ask how I am, but I hate it when anyone else does. Every morning my coworkers give me the 3rd degree and I hate it. I don't care how they are, and I don't expect them to care how I am either. It's kind of made me hate it when anyone (except a few) ask me personal questions at all.

Jen said...

"Sure, I could slam 6 Gin and Tonics and walk straight, but sometimes I just want to stop at 7-11, buy a Yoohoo! and watch all those shows on TLC about little people." - Best.Line.Ever. I mean it. Ever. :-)

just me said...

I love "The Little Couple"... you know that one??!

I feel you completely on this. When I get back from my trip home (on August 9th) let's please hang out and let the other one feel listened to and loved?

Dash said...

I am amazed and dumbfounded every single time by your writing. Just to let you know, i COMPLETELY identify with you sister!:)

Rachael said...

You totally described me. I've been labeled strong and independent, but I still after a tough day, go into my room, shut the door, curl in a ball and cry.

I love the humor in your posts. So glad I came across this blog. Can't wait to read more!

masuat said...

Heheh. Great writing style.

sleepyjane said...

Without fail, your describe everything so beautifully and spot-on that I'm left thinking...


Uuuuuh, what you said.

For real though.

CuppyCakes said...

I'm always kind of pretending. Mostly that I'm unaffected, when I totally am.

chicknamedhermia said...

Damn straight!!! I'm sick of people presuming I'm dead inside because I thought the Notebook was ridiculous or cos I don't depend on other people contantly or am sarcastic that I'm dead inside, will laugh when somebody runs over my dog or don't need some comforting!
Just cos I'm not needy and girly and am actually independent, doesn't mean I therefore sit around scratching my crotch and punching people in the arm!

Doniree said...

Sometimes even the toughest of us have to wave the white flag and cuddle. For me it also means giant sweat pants and a chocolate milk. And probably Clueless.

Heather said...

You said that so well! People often get an image of what they think we're like and forget that we can be anything else. Most everyone I know thinks of me as this sweet, sensitive girl, but underneath - I can totally be a bad ass. At least, I'd like to think so :)

Keep being you, because it sounds like you are pretty damn fantastic.

Keni said...

You have no idea how much I can relate to you right now! I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this. :)

p.s. on the other hand I DO NOT agree with wanting to watch the Little People on TLC. Ever. Deathly afraid.

Ace said...

Oh girl, you really do speak for all of us. It's so true, I do spend half my day marching around saying I don't need you, I don't need you, but then when I need someone, they've all gone off to someone who's been saying that all along. Sometimes I like to be alone, but sometimes I'm just scared to be vulnerable enough to be with someone. I love being independent and crazy, but sometimes it hurts me.

Nashe^ said...

I think I get overly aloof with people, which makes them think I'm too cool for them sometimes. =\

verybadcat said...

I'm a total badass. Enough of a badass that I sometimes dissolve into a weeping pile of gratitude when one of my besties sees through the determination and realizes that I need some "shoring up". ;)

Lindsey said...

Your posts always inspire me! Being a strong, independent, hard-working woman is awesome, and defining, and pride-instilling. Except for when you stop for a second and realize that you've created that "island" of a life. I've always been insanely independent and as I get older I realize more and more that it really is a double-edged sword. =\

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

bakingwithplath- no no hardly true. lol. Though yes we are twins.

Hillary said...

I'm pretty good at acting tough but I'm definitely a softie.

Phoenix said...

I think life is a balance of tough and tender...you can't be one or the other all the time or you risk cutting out half of your humanity. High five your inner sensitive bad-ass and get down with your bad self. I highly approve. :)

Kellie said...

All of this you said:
"I rarely call to chit-chat, or get advice about an outfit. I don't need to be at every barbecue that you have, but I still want to be invited. I like to say "bad ass" things, act unaffected and wear super high heels and eyeliner before noon."
Is TOTALLY like me.
And I'd rather be a tough cookie than one of those overly emotional rollercoaster chics who drive me bat shit. Don't get me wrong, some of my best girlfriends are just like that but that means that about 1/2 the time I am tip toeing around them and trying not to hurt their overly sensitive feelings and that just annoys the heck outta me. :)

So I think us "tough" girls rock. :)

Lilian Moreira εϊз said...

Hi Chelsea! I loved your blog.

"I'm not afraid of being alone, but that doesn't mean that I don't want the company." That's so true. Sometimes you just want to prove to yourself that you can do it - but it doesn't mean that this is your way of life. When I am standing right there, being strong, sometimes I would love to have someone to hold me and say: let me handle it this time... :)

Elle Bee... said...

Oh goodness, I'm am so not tough. But somehow I've tricked people into thinking I am. I've been tough to get me where I am and get through the hard times. I'm definitely self-reliant.

I show my softness by being the one to reach out to other people, sending them cookies in the mail (or delivering them around town), being the go-to for a cuppa (wine, coffee, gin) after a bad day, being the advice-giver... and I spend so much time worrying about other people that so often I forget to worry about me. Or another people think I must not have anything to worry about. Either way. *shrug*

Your blog is great, by the way.

Couture Carrie said...

Love this post, especially your photo and the last paragraph... so true! I feel the same way you do; am tough, but not THAT tough!

xoxox,
CC

Thunderroad79 said...

Sometimes I have to remind my husband that I'm sensitive and sometimes need to be taken care of. I can't always be strong. This post was fabulous.

lov said...

I seek adventure constantly, but that doesn't mean I don't ask "how likely is it that this will kill me?" or, "have you seen any bears out here?" about 50 times. I say fuck a lot and talk about my vagina, but that doesn't mean I can't hold a killer conversation with a 5 year old, or your Christian family.


that is my most favorite part of the whole post! :)

Kris said...

This was a GREAT read. I think that I am just like you. A little tough, a little soft, a little (ok, sometimes very) misunderstood! That picture is hilarious by the way!

jessica said...

hey, thanks for the comment on my blog!
definitely reading more of yours - i like your style.

i think in today's world, a girl has to be tough. the world's percentage of douchebags is skyrocketing and someone has to take them down.

<3

trckalovesyou.com

Rosie Unknown said...

I tend to quiver. I am fine to be on my own, and not be surrounded by people, but I enjoy the company of my friends. I don't want to be seen as clingy, but I also don't want to be too detached.

Sarah said...

I'm about this tough:

I say fuck a lot and talk about my vagina, but that doesn't mean I can't hold a killer conversation with a 5 year old, or your Christian family.

I LOVE it! My husband is always ragging on me about acting like I never need anybody. I'm just not someone that gets all mushy and emotional. It doesn't mean I don't have emotions, I just don't wear them on my sleeve.

Thanks for visiting my corner of the interwebz.

Meadowlark said...

Thanks for stopping by.

Wow. Looks like you've touched a nerve. And with me as well.

I was a United States Marine. With all that entails.

And sometimes Husband forgets he needs to defend me from the "scary world" because he assumes I'll defend myself. But while I'm tough, I'm not THAT tough.

Great post.

Molly said...

Wow. Your writing is amazing!
I can come across as a hard ass, but I am really about as tough as a store brand paper towel.

kirstyb said...

ha that pic is so funny xoxooxx

Victoria-H said...

thnx for stepping by :)
good post !

Sophia said...

This was amazing to read. You're a talented writer :)

Gabbi said...

I'm not very tough and I think people see that, but I love your post. I'm going to keep this in mind with my tough friends (I tend to surround myself with tough friends). Great post as always dear Chelsea, you look cute in your armor! :D

Lily G. said...

Great post! I'm not that tough either, haha.

the same amanda said...

i've been reading your blog for a little while and decided to say hi. i need to work on my toughness because sometimes i can be a little bit of a pushover

noelle said...

I love the fact that you don't feel pressured to buy into the "I gotta be a needy chic" bullshit, yet you can freely admit that sometimes letting your guard down is a worthy endeavor.

I'm kinda like you - need to put up a tough exterior so you won't ever mistakenly be lumped into the pathetic annoying girl category. Cause that would totally suck.

noelle

Mary said...

Chelsea, you are beautiful :)

Chessa! said...

well, basically you could have written this post about me. we are very similar...the only notable difference that for me it would be vodka tonics and not gin.
hard on the outside and soft on the inside isn't so bad...
:)

Stephanie said...

Great post. I think everyone is a lot less tough than they let on to be.

One Sassy Girl said...

This is one of those times when someone describes you exactly - your self-description in this regard suits me as well. I guess it's better than crying at everything and being a general wimp, but still, a cuddle and some consolation goes a long way. That armor does get heavy, after all. Thanks for the post, I loved it.

JennyMac said...

Love this post. And I am externally tough as nails and cry at things like the poor down and out guy who gets a standing ovation on America's Got Talent. Not kidding.

Brett Alexandra said...

Seriously, I love your posts. I am so glad I found your blog.

I am a huge wimp, though. :o

readsalot said...

Sometimes I feel like I don't put up emough of a tough persona with the people I'm close to. Yeah, I'm delicate, but I'm not about to break.

But yeah, I have also been known to be a ball buster.

Front Porch Society said...

WOW. Found your site via Meadowlark (just wandering through). This post says exactly what I feel. This is me to a "T." You have put into words that which I feel.

Simes. said...

Hey! Thank u for stopping by.
Love,
A&A

Jessica said...

Hello there! Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a comment! You sure are sweet!

Well as for your question..I'm not tough. I'm not the confrotational type -- or at least I don't start a fight...I watch horror films and not be able to sleep at night...I fear the thought of losing the ones I love. I'm just NOT TOUGH, period. Except in some cases where I had to be a fighter, which are rare.

Great post! You seem like a nice person, I'm gonna follow! :)

Alicia said...

great post! i know the feeling...i'm the same way...my husband has finally come to terms with it and now he FINALLY knows how to deal with me!

Nataliexxx said...

Just blog cruisin' (as I call it)...and I stumbled upon the little treasure that is yours! Glad I did, it's definitely about something <3

P.S - I've added your blog to my blog list :-) –will be back shortly...

Much love
xxx




www.nqqxxx.blogspot.com

missris said...

I'm not very tough at all. But really, I'm ok with that.

teresa said...

why do we choose one or the other? why "tough as nails" or "softy". i think it takes courage to be vulnerable yet practical - to cry it out and keep it movin'. screw dichotomy; be both.

Blicious said...

great post! i CAN be tough! hehe i did however take a kickboxing class last night and felt like i could destroy anything! :)

please check out my giveaway!! xox

Yolanda said...

I've always identified myself with being a strong woman, though I feel as though the identitication has built up barriers between those I care about. I have this, I-can-do-it-myself attitude. So when I REALLY do need help and am practically aching for someone to ask how I am, no one does. They assume I'm okay. And because I'm so 'strong' and I don't let them know otherwise.

So, yeah, I can relate a lot to this post.

Summer said...

I know exactly how you feel. Just because I don't cry in public, doesn't mean I don't feel pain.

lovelila said...

I loved this post! Definitely relatable. By the way, eyeliner before noon is awesome ;)

The Socialite said...

Great post! ;)

I use to be a tough-cookie. As in never cry during films or sentimental moments - but now! I can't seems to tear up! My heart is officially out of the freezer. I blame love. Oyyyy.

thischicksgotstyle said...

Great post!
And thanks for your comment!

x!

Sebastian said...

You're awfully like me but with a vagina and a killer figure.

Perhaps I should work on my figure...

Up Mama's Wall said...

I love you, you little cream puff.

Sara said...

Thank you for making my day. Seriously..

I am not at all tough, even though everyone, almost everyone thinks I am the coldest person that ever existed. But no, quite a softie..

Adela said...

i'm not tough either!

http://pinkchampagnefashion.blogspot.com/

LiLu said...

My "tough" façade has gotten a lot thinner over the years. It's too much energy spent on not getting a return on my emotional investment.

Kait said...

I can relate to this post entirely.I am so self sufficient and "I can do everything by myself" that people just assume I don't need the same courtesies a "sensitive person" would require. At the end of the day us independent, tough, girls still have a beating heart!

Thank you for stopping by my blog. Sisters in Feist! : ) I hope the Christians don't get mad that I rearranged their slogan...

mieletcannelle said...

I completely understand this - I always tell friends that there is a difference between being invited and saying no, and not being invited at all. I've developed much of the same mechanisms and attitudes.. but they're softening with age. That, or my friends are getting wiser. ;-)

Tink in My Closet said...

Chelsea your like fabulous..

Organic Meatbag said...

I'll tell you what...I wouldn't mess with a gal wearing riot gear and boxers...hehehehe...

life according to celia... said...

i really love this blog. i find myself in hysterics, yet crying every time i read it. it's the best release of emotion. thank you for that...

Kentucky Blonde said...

this is the best post ever. i feel like i wrote it, except i'm not that good of a writer. :)

Granny said...

They tell me that I'm tougher than a boiled owl.And, I agree, because I've been through having a Genetic Heart Defect, and having a stent.But, that wasn't nearly as scarey as Cancer, and battling it every day, for over three yrs.,and still haven't won!People just assume that you are fine, if you don't complain, and I'm normally not a complainer.Now, I have a brain tumor, a growth on my kidney, and yesterday, my right eye just got black and red, for apparently no reason.My eternal and endless love and my Grandson were here to witness that. How's that for tough as a boiled owl?

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