Friday, August 21, 2009

Being passive agressive makes you like a DOUCHE.


Communication; the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

NOTE: The definition does not say, "to passively communicate by acting like a TOTAL DOUCHE, in every possible form and make my life uncomfortable."

Just to be clear.

I've never had a hard time telling people how I feel. I feel the emotion, and I relay the information. I know the moment the emotion happens, I know WHY and I know HOW it's affected me. What happens to people that they completely tune out those feelings?

Feel. Think. Speak. Connect. Four actions that can either make a relationship/friendship/any damn ship, flourish or wilt, rapidly.

When we're children the platform unto which we're allowed to communicate it a VITAL one, if there isn't one, you're basically fucked. And so are your children. Were your parents the kind that didn't approve of "extreme" emotion, either good or bad? Was communicating such a "non-option" that you just STOPPED?

I don't understand when we people don't feel SAFE to feel differently, to argue opinions, to have moments of irrationality. To be EVEN. STEADY. Calculated. PASSIVE. Are all emotions that frankly, aren't HUMAN, they aren't feeling in "real time."

When we interact with people we have to ALLOW them to feel. and to feel DIFFERENTLY. To feel the highs, the lows, the frustration, anxiety- and allow them to vocalize it, so they can worth through, rather than bottle the emotion so deep that by the time they blow, they don't even know the reason.

I don't do passive aggressive. I think it makes you look like a pansy bitch child. Own your emotions, own your thoughts and don't be fucking afraid to express them. The people that love you will respect your more for it.

We're people, with the most incredible rainbow of feeling-and an innumerable amount of words that we can use to EXPRESS them. Take people for where they are, it's ok if you are feeling frustrated, neglected, shitty, or lost- but speak up...don't wreak more havoc on your life by letting emotions that would pass normally, become an issue because you can't allow the progression to happen.


SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. If you haven't done it EVER BEFORE, start now.


DO YOU SAY WHAT YOU MEAN?




47 comments:

Stevie said...

You should write a fucking book. Jesus. Your posts always hit the nail right on the head (I really hate trite catch phrases like that, but I guess they exist for a reason...). Anyway, I've had people call me "too emotional" and I just think what does that even MEAN? TOO emotional? Not possible. I love having and expressing my feelings, both good and bad. I can't even imagine what it must be like for those who bottle up their feelings and shrivel into a little ball in the corner. Must be weird.

Great post, as usual! :-)

Wine and Words said...

Learning to. I grew up in one of those homes where you damn well better agree with the peeps or else. Not only did I learn not to express my feelings, I learned not to be sick, because that wasn't tolerated either. But I was a communication major in college and had some therapy and here I am with a blog. So you tell me...How am I doing?

•¦Amy¦• said...

I'm incredibly outspoken when it comes to these things. Passive agression is one of the worst things out there on a number of scales. I can't stand it.

I've always preffered when people just had a nice scream. 'Cause if that's what you're feeling then express it!

Patty Ann said...

yes i do. sometimes i think i shouldn't. a lot of times i think i shouldn't actually. but i still do.

Rachael said...

I was just chosen as the next lay off at work because I'm "too emotional." Seriously, they said that. The unfortunate part of that is that I do not have a job, however, I wouldn't change anything else at all. If I wasn't passionate about the things I do, I would never end up anywhere, right? I will never understand how people can have such little regard for emotions... it's almost as if they're not really alive.

Thanks for another great blog, you rock!

Sizzle said...

I *try* and most of the time I succeed.

jessicajane said...

my nickname used to be "the hammer.".....cause i ALWAYS say what i mean. i'm out there. sometimes it gets me into trouble...but i guess i dont like walking around on eggshells or getting walked all over..ya know?

tmamone said...

Sometimes when I try to communicate I end up yelling and cursing, so first I got to find ways to communicate anger in better ways or else I'll look like an even bigger d-bag.

Phoenix said...

I hate passive aggressive. I just won't respond, or I'll call someone on it. Life's too short for people to wander around and feel entitled that others should guess what they're thinking.

As usual, dead on post. Word.

Taylor said...

I agree with Stevie!!! You seriously could write a book, just take all the blog posts you've written in the last year and BAM! You've got one of those inspirational read-a-page-a-day books, you know?

Seriously. I'd buy it :)

ArabianMagic said...

When people say that you're too emotional, it's because they usually are on the recieving end of the emotion, and some people just cannot handle being critized in any way. Ergo, they need to blame you to make themselves feel better.

Herding Cats said...

Just wanted to say: I always feel really reassured when I read your blog. You get people and you own it....the good and the bad.

Archana said...

Loved this post. Just happened to bump into your blog via another, and I am all for people expressing themselves. Be it happy or sad. I never understood the ones that keep it all bottled inside and then like you said, blow up and forget the root cause for it all.

Clairebear said...

I, too, grew up in one of those houses where you better fall into line. Emotion, especially strong emotion, either got you laughed at or in trouble.
There have been times I have reverted back to that passive agressive nature I seem to have cultivated...mostly when I feel threatened or not understood.
Mostly, now, I say what I mean when I mean it. I make myself do it even when I can feel myself pushing it back or telling myself it's not worth it. Its a work in progress.
I encourage my kids to not be afriad, though. I always try and help them work out why theyre feeling a certain way, and tell them its ok.

kokostiletto said...

Yes I do and I think that's the problem! I wear my heart on my sleeve and it often gets me trouble...

Jill Pilgrim said...

Yeah, I am totally with you- say what you mean. Passive aggressive is not my deal.

Jen said...

Thank you! You always say what I'm thinking. :-)

American in Norway said...

I am one of those who holds there mouths shut & until I end up blowing up & freaking out....
Usually that only happens at home.. but I have been know to cry in the office too... (with the door closed....) Are you sure you aren't really 50 + how did you become so wise so young?

CuppyCakes said...

I rarely say what I feel. I'm too worried all the time. It's how I've been for ages. I'm trying to break it, but its such an old habit now that it's a hard one TOO break.

oliviakate. said...

I wish I could show this post to, oh, nearly everyone I have ever had contact with in my life.

Michelle said...

Yessss!! I love this. I try to enforce this in all relationships in life. Keep fucking writing! xo.

Jules said...

I TOTALLY say what I mean. I used to HATE confrontation but the things that happened last year made me learn how to just say it.

Passive-aggressive people drive me nuts!!!!

Nahl said...

I JUST found my mantra! :)
I guess the risk of not being understood is to great..and also, once you learn that you tend to overreact, you get scared of that too. I'd rather be passive aggressive than overreact. Wouldn't you?

Vanessa said...

I think that being passive aggressive, at least for me, has been a sort of safety net. Though I have been trying hard this summer to break it. It's as if when you don't communicate, or rock the boat, then you don't have to fear rejection or whatever other negative repercussions. But I have found that this is not true and it's helped me to break out of my quieter ways.

Sara said...

I'm trying to be less passive aggressive. It's a personal goal. Problem is that when I confront people, I get so mad I start crying. Not quite effective.

Trouble.Thinks said...

Great post! I totally hear ya!

just me said...

Pansy bitch child.

Love it.

Kristin said...

Passive aggressive people drive me bonkers. But then again, I may say what I mean a little TOO much.

Sebastian said...

I think you got a little wrapped up in the 'I'm a crazy bitch that says whatever I want and whenever I feel' thing.

We _are_ steady and calculated. That's a survival trait. Calculated thought is the reason we're still here, surviving.

If everyone ran around being EMOTIONAL then the world would be frickin' crazy. If everyone ran around like you, capsing and bolding and SPEAKING their MIND -- nothing would be heard!

I can't stand people that splurge out useless shit just because they don't like 'staying quiet'. It's OK to be passive when you're not an expert on a matter!

Of course, being shushed into submission is something else entirely :)

hiphophippie.com said...

THANK YOU. It's like I have turrets I say what I mean so much. I want to pull people's ears off who are passive aggressive.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Sebastian- Ah but see, you've just spoken your mind and the world isn't going up in flames :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nahl- I don't know that it's about overreacting-it doesnt mean you don't THINK about your emotions and understand them clearly before you speak up about them....there is a balance there, but it's telling people how you feel rather than letting there be an undercurrent of unspoken emotions- that end up messing things up even more than just expressing....

Sebastian said...

I was more making a point that we're probably not here today because our ancient forefathers waved their arms around like spastics and said 'I'M EMOTIONAL. DEAL WITH IT.'

That's a very modern thing :P

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

sebastian- it's not even about being EMOTIONAL, being passive aggressive is really the issue, it doesn't mean you run around crying and screaming all the tim, that's where you have me wrong. I'm "controlled" crazy ;)

but i digress....

it means rather than having emotions, especially with your friends/lovers/family that are so intense and then "hiding them" when the emotion is still there and its negativity just ends up seaping through everything rather than talking about it, working it out and letting someone know something it bothering you.

True it is a modern thing, so is spewing your ideas all over the internet , it probably wasn't "safe" for our forefathers but it is safe for US.

Emily said...

I grew up in a household where my dad was the emotional, angry one. I learned how to control my emotions and keep my opinions to myself to create some sort of balance in the household. Do I regret it? No. Am I learning to be more vocal and expressive? Trying.

Eve said...

again, seems we are two of a kind. I have often been criticized by people because I'm too honest. And I'm not talking too honest "Hey Fatty, how you doing". I'm not brutal and I'm not rude, but if someone asks me something or we're having a discussion/debate I say what I think, not for arguments sake but for the sake of a.good.conversation.

Apparently most people would rather you just nod and smile. Not for me, thanks. I am quite happy and proud of who I am and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Yes, I have faults too, I wasn't pretending I don't, I'm just not afraid of my faults, I've acknowledged them and I'm working on them so have never been afraid to say what I feel. I suppose it helps I tend to be good words.

It's funny how my Husband is the exact opposite. I often have to stop myself believing that he is "dead inside". But he grew up in a family that has never and will never "show weakness", so he's very dead pan, so to speak. But he gets me :)

Love you post, once again :) And sorry for the long comment but your posts always get me thinking!

Michelle said...

Hey lady. I'd love to feature you for my Blogs j'adore segment (http://straycat-blues.blogspot.com/search/label/Blogs%20J%27adore) If you're interested in participating, leave me a comment, and I'll email you the interview! Thank you! xo.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

michelle- I'd definitely love to!! Email me! Chelseatalkssmack@gmail.com

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

eve- I LOVE THE LONG COMMENTS, keep em coming- I read every single line and love the stories and especially when people relate or tell me their opinions :)

Reinventingsandyb said...

Chelsea, "douche" is one of my favorite words. Ever. I use it daily. No shit. Love that you ended with a remark about saying what we mean. It's #12 on my Before I Turn 30 List. I'm be spewing all sorts of truths this year, most definitely. Great post. I shall return.
spreading the love, sandyb

standingonthebrink said...

heh, my parents allowed me to feel whatever I felt and to express it. I had a bit of a hard time with that because a lot of the time when I was growing up my sister's emotions were more extreme (she was the typical crying screaming younger child, though I adore her) so for my parents sake I hid MY feelings; and then I got to school and for whatever reason I couldn't have any trust in my friendships because, this being secondary school, people turn on you every couple of days, on me more than most, and so yeah, I'm not always good at just acting the feelings I'm feeling. I just hope I don't come across as a passive aggressive douche!! This is so right on the nail. Your blog is wonderful, btw. I honestly love it. How did you find mine?

Rebekah J said...

If I said what I mean at work, I'd be fired every single day. I do invoke the passive-aggressive there, and if it makes me douche-y, it also keeps me employed and makes me the tiniest bit satisfied that at least I've had my tiny little word in.

tinkalicious said...

wtf? I am finally discovering that so many "douchies" are actually P/A
(passive/aggressive) and that explains a whole lot! Now I am actively examining everyone's behaviours just to make sure they are not PA.....just one more thing to worry about! LOL! I think once you hit menopause, the filter are smashed and tossed aside and you just "tell it like is", don't like it, move out of my f'in way!

KatieJ said...

The part about "The people that love you will respect your more for it." is only sometimes true for me. My friends love it, my family, not so much.
If I do not want to do something, I will let them know. They have a great time discussing it but I don't really care. I have to live my life for me because I guarantee you they are not living their lives with me being the first thought!

I feel that I am only accountable to me. If I can not stand up for my thoughts and feeling, no matter how unrational it seems to others, no one else will.

Love this blog entry!

Billie said...

I am all for politely airing your opinion but sometimes it is simply not worth the effort to speak up. If someone is not communicating truthfully with you, you might also want to look at why. Perhaps the douchebag is not the person who is being passive-agressive.

Most of the time, my husband doesn't want to listen to anything that I have to say that doesn't agree with his viewpoint or he doesn't listen because he simply doesn't want to. You can always tell when he can't be bothered to listen because he will do/say the following:
1. He will completely and utterly ignore you. He won't look your way or otherwise indicate that you are in the room let alone speaking to him.
2. He will say "I don't know" when you ask him a question. How did you burn yourself? I don't know. WTF?
3. He will mumble and then when you can't understand his mumbling he tells you to shut up because you never understand him so what's the point of talking.
4. He will say "no me jodas" which is Spanish for leave me the f* alone". Can you please put your banana peel in the garbage and not leave it on the counter? "no me jodas"

So these days I don't even bother to give my opinion/speak unless it REALLY matters enough to me that I am willing to be the recipient of the BS that is his response. So what kind of things are sometimes the result? Instead of reminding him to put his shoes in the hall instead of leaving them all over the house, I simply throw them at the front door. That is considerably less effort and I don't have to deal with his rejection while still getting the same point across.

All that to say... the person pulling the passive agressive stuff might be a douchebag but so might the person who triggers that behaviour. And yes, I have a choice to act more adult-like but sometimes - just sometimes - you are tired of being the only adult in the household.

Jess said...

I was raised in a household, where you were not allowed to express emotion. Being emotional was seen as being weak. I was taught not to rely on others to provide me with the things I needed. If I wanted something done, I had to do it myself.

Anonymous said...

los Accesorios de teatro salen, que esto
http://eru1.myftp.biz/

aria

 
ss_blog_claim=1c43e45eb4927c96edea5f154138fe95