I'm competitive as fuck.
....AND, I've started taking yoga religiously- yoga+wildly competitive psychopath= potential death.
We're standing in sha-ka-da-sa-na-cha-ta-nooga-choo-choo, my knees are shaking, my thighs are sore from yesterdays yoga, and there's sweat dripping off my eyelashes, forming a beautiful little puddle on my collarbones....Miss Zen Yoga Teacher says (who I'm certain judges me for wearing mascara to class, waterproof of course), "BREATHE INTO THAT SPACE, LET YOUR BREATHE BE THE BUFFER BETWEEN YOUR THOUGHTS, NOW- sink deeper into your posture."
Oh hell no. So, I sink deeper. The chick next to me- sinks ever DEEPER...... we're about to have a YOGA-OFF. Bring it, eye contact is made, I sink to the depths of what looks like a tube of Tiger Balm to come later. If there's someone better in the room, I'll stand RIGHT. NEXT. TO. THEM. If you can kick higher, I'll bust my teeth out by kicking my face. If you sing better, I'll lock myself in a bathroom for ten hours until I can sing a fucking aria in 8 octaves.
If I think I can't, I will.
..... Because when someone told me, "your mind gives up before your body does" I took it as gospel and feel like a week-ass if I give in to my tearing muscle pain, or my doubt.
I'm so competitive, if you told me to balance on my eyelashes, I'd find a fucking way.
You say potato, I say po-TA-to and potato in 27 different languages and variations. Because, I'm a nut job.
Which, yes, I get that doesn't make me very zen, and which yes- defeats the whole "rid yourself of ego" idea and surrender into your practice. But let's face it, I'm only Zen when I'm by myself, I'm listening to indie-chick music and I'm drinking wine. Which, I think is also defined by the word, "buzzed."
So, as I surrendered my thoughts; up dog, down dog, tree pose, pretzel vagina, etc. etc. I realized it really doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, it's not that I care if you're BETTER, it's that I care if I'm not MY BEST. Which frankly, I don't think has a ceiling to it.
Self, is all defined by choices; I choose how fit I am because I choose to exercise and eat healthy. I choose to at least be GOOD at the things I suck balls at because I like proving to myself that I CAN. I've chosen to take responsibility for how far I go in my success, my body, my dreams, because I'm the only one who gets to define what all of that means.
I've never felt bad for the victim mentality. And, I usually only feel bad for myself for about a moment, I cry at myself in the mirror and throw things- then, I CHECK MYSELF and move on. The victim will stay the victim. If life is constantly hard for you, you're expecting it to be. If you're never the best, you're not seeking what you WOULD be the best at, or you're not deciding to be YOUR BEST.
When I'm in yoga, the other people are really just an example to push myself with- and when I am the best in class, my mantra is to surrender; to surrender fear, doubt, limitation, and to move through the tightness, the nagging little voice and to move through it head on, with fierce determination.
I'm competitive, because I LIKE the challenge. AND, because life is too fucking short to not be able to kick your legs over your head. ;) Namaste.
DO YOU USUALLY BELIEVE YOU CAN, OR YOU CAN'T?