Sunday, August 16, 2009

My Mantra is: LOVE kicks FEAR in the ASS.


I'm making rules for myself.

Rule #1- Harness your "crazy" before she speaks. She is irrational.

Rule #2- No more talking about his ex-girlfriend- or mentioning that I have weird dreams that he leaves me for her, and has a stash of portraits she paints of him. Yeah, dreams are fuckin' weird.

Rule #3-No more wedding talk. Because that's just fucking scary to dudes.

Rule #4- ease up on the dairy. Eating blocks of cheese isn't normal.

Sometimes, my filter is just OFF. And by sometimes, I mean 99.9% of the time. Sometimes, I just want to ask absurd and creepily personal questions without thinking how it may come off to the person I'm asking. Like, "did her tongue feel as soft as mine?" Or some shit along those lines, that's really unnecessary.

And I realized this- when I'm being totally fucking absurd- it's really just because I'm afraid. I'm afraid he won't love me anymore. I'm afraid he thinks about her. I'm afraid maybe he doesn't want to marry me. I'm afraid that I'll have to feel heartbreak again. I'm afraid that I've already said too much scary shit that I won't be able to regain my confident demeanor.

I'm afraid that maybe he doesn't desire me the way he used to. That he abhors my taste in pop music so much that he can't bare the thought that I can be such a pop tart. Or that he wishes I was more intellectual, that I didn't love the Kardashians, hip hop culture and tabloids. That basically, he wishes I was more like her. And that I'd start an Etsy shop, throw away my television and talk a little fucking softer.

This whole being wickedly, bananas, in LOVE is scary, because sometimes I just flash to the thought of not having him in my life and I lose my breathe. The thought is so intensely terrifying to me that it feels like someone slugged me in the stomach, or told me I was allergic to cake and couldn't eat it anymore. Or that Britney Spears was dead. Which would be sad as shit, I love her. Don't judge me.

When we're afraid, we hold tighter. We cling. We grip until our knuckles are so white and our hands are so tired that we simply can't hang on anymore.

I cling to the moments when I feel purely loved, when he's tracing my eyebrows with his fingertips and I'm defenseless, peaceful and trusting in his arms. I cling to the look on his face when I'm wearing my new dress, and I decided to put on a bra, for once. I cling to the grip of his hand when I walk with him and to the curve of his lower back when he holds me.

I cling because those moments make my life happy....and I'm crippled with fear of the things that could take them from me, i.e. my crazy. someone else. him not wanting "forever" with me. And maybe some weird allergy from an antibiotic, or a poisonous spider. Or something.

....but just like anything, when we're grasping, like squeezing a bar of soap, the thing will slip away. I certainly don't want to cause the destruction of something so unbroken and whole, like us. So I have to stop.

SO, MY MANTRA IS TO BE UNAFRAID.

To risk the hurt, because we can overcome the emptiness of a broken heart but even a vivid imagination couldn't replace the experience of LOVE.

To know that when I cling to a moment, I'm not trusting that there will be another equally as moving, perfect moment together.

To believe his words, without waiting for the shoe to drop. If I look up long enough, and keep staring, just waiting, eventually I'll will something into existence. Maybe not a shoe. But something. Repeat: thoughts. are. things.

To face FEAR in the face, even if it's a 400lb bully with halitosis and steel toed boots.

When the fear is gone, we jump. We dive. We make the landing, we take the chance. We learn a lesson, we try oysters. Or dancing in public. Or that new whacked out position. Or cranberry lipstick. When the fear is gone is when the good stuff happens.

Nothing extraordinary has ever happened when fear was the motivation.

So baby, I won't be afraid. And I'll stop pointing out my color palette for our "someday" wedding whenever I see the color amber. Or eggplant.




What's YOUR MANTRA????






68 comments:

Sara said...

TO GROW!

chicknamedhermia said...

To stop being such a nasty bitch when I'm angry (I get really easily angry, so you can see my problem!)

I sometimes thing we have some connection to the blogs we read, because if I'm having a particular problem, I can nearly guarantee that one of the blogs I read regularly will post about something similar, and today, that was you my dear!

I'm not usually possessive, but I've felt a bit insecure because of some recent events, and although The Boy usually loves the attention, I've a feeling I'm going to freak him out if I keep being as obsessive as I'm being! :(

Clairebear said...

I adored this post. Not that I haven't adored all of your others, but this one was especially poignant for me.
I think I'm going to join you in taking on no fear as my new motto.

Egypt said...

I completed related to this post. It came RIGHT ON TIME! I felt you completely! And it was such a great reminder not only that we can will things into existence but also we (as people/as women) have the same insecurities. I love your expression!

Sid said...

To fight more. To fight for what I believe in. To stop giving up sooo easily.

CuppyCakes said...

I think maybe this should be my mantra too... Because I'm shit scared and it's killing us.

Herding Cats said...

I love your blog. That's all.

Heather said...

To live in the moment and stop thinking about "someday"... that's mine. I get so caught up in what COULD be, that I often forget about what actually IS. And honestly, what IS, is pretty friggin sweet right now.

brookem said...

i LOVED this.
mine? it changes daily. right now it's to live in the moment, and stay away from sweets for two weeks.

lovelila said...

Mine is "Why not?" which kind of ties into yours as far as the "no fear" thing. I realized one day that being scared was stopping me from meeting new people, having new experiences, so I just decided to change that and haven't looked back since :)

Loved this entry, by the way. Totally relatable.

Tink in My Closet said...

Changing my mantra frequently works best for me. I would love to live fearlessly, stay calm and not overreact in silly situations and do all the thingd that make me happy without feeling the need to explain my actions!

Alex said...

I often change my mantra. It really helps me

doublysweet said...

MAN it's like you were in my head on this one!!!
I actually have another blog on a different website and I wrote pretty much the EXACT same thing. let's just say my mantra is the same.

Surfergrrl said...

I don't think I have one particular mantra that I follow, but I certainly believe in yours!

Anika said...

Amen to this post!
p.s. I love rule no.1. Lol, what if crazy insane alter ego is my favourite one??!!? :D

Also, my motto is dance on the mother effin roof if you want to....(nothing else really holds you back except you). I really do try and remember this one all the time, I tell ya.

p.p.s. Love is scary indeed but love how you are you psyched to be unafraid.....love that attitude!

Sizzle said...

"Nothing extraordinary has ever happened when fear was the motivation."

SO TRUE.

Vanessa said...

To firmly stand on my own two feet as an independent, single gal!

I can totally relate to your fear. I think it happens to all of us, and it is a sign that you are truly in love with someone.

Nik said...

To be love completely and to live in the moment.

BTW--This was a beautiful blog . . . It really made my Monday. Thank you!

kage said...

Before I say anything...hell yes to the eggplant, that's our wedding colour!! Nice choice!

I think my mantra is probably "be natural" - don't hide behind things; if it feels good, then do it; be yourself and never be ashamed of that.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

"You can't succeed if you don't try."

DShan said...

My mantra is to live in the direction my instinct takes me, because my life is never going to be the 'by the book' perfect cookie-cutter fairytale...by choice.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ah....I like these mantras! AND, I love the idea of changing them constatnly- when it's time. Which is what I tend to do, depending on what it is I need in my life at the moment.

justjp said...

I agree with 1-3. But you can never get enough cheese.

Liz said...

Holy shit it's like I wrote this. Srsly just sign my name at the bottom and it's me too haha. Great post.

Nahl said...

this is officially my favourite post =)
LOVE IT!
My mantra should be this too,but i'm quite not there yet.

ArabianMagic said...

I am SO glad to read that I am not the ONLY woman who has an alter ego that needs to be tied up in a closet every once in a while. I get the same way when I'm in a good relationship. However, as my therapist said, I have to be careful not to act crazy so the guy doesn't head screaming for the hills.

Ali said...

To stop trying so hard: with ex-bfs (that friends after thing is bullshit IMO), with obsessing over my weight, with being someone other than who I am.

You get the point.

PS, you're amazing. But you knew that. Or if you didn't, you better know it now because it's TRUE.

Bug said...

Love your mantra!! What an inspirational post - love your blog!!

Megan said...

My mantra is that good things happen to good people. And I'm good people dammit.

Great post. Fear is scary and love is scary. And although we feel that they can both be the same thing, they are in fact the exact opposite. Thanks for clarifying :)

Lilian Moreira εϊз said...

Chelsea, I love your metaphors! :)

My mantra in 2009 is:
"The best is yet to come."

Take care! ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

justjp- You have a really good point, that's what I always say.....especially goat cheese.

liz- SIGNED.

ali- thank you so much. You are lovely.

nahl- AH! Thanks!!!

big- thank you for coming by!!! The truth is my blogs are really so that I can work stuff out in my head and in my life, so when they end up being inspirational I just luck out because I'm just RANTING. Ranting and ranting and I'm glad there's people out there who understand!

Jill Pilgrim said...

Hmm, I think I might steal your mantra. I have waaaay too many obsessive fears. Maybe my mantra should be, "Better Meds!!"

Rachael said...

I'm trying to make my mantra "Enjoy today for what it is." Kind of like yours, I don't want to let fear rule my future. Tough stuff right? Good luck!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jill- I like that one! lol

Erin said...

This made my morning! I think my mantra has to be OVERANALYZING will get you nowhere". I was definitely having a bad boy issue, and totally over analyzing the situation, why, because I'm totally and unrealistically afraid. Thank you so much for writing this and just reminding me to put everything in perspective.

•¦Amy¦• said...

Loved this post. There's something about the way you write that just catches me in this attentive state that I don't often get in lol.

I don't even know that I have a mantra...I think really I just want to accept everything as it is and not worry. Everything that happens happens and there's nothing you can do after the fact so make something worth while out of it...

Lily G. said...

Great rules and post!! I always say "Everything happens for a reason" and "You live, you learn"

Rebekah J said...

My mantra?

You only live once, so try not to spend it in jail.

Eve said...

To Do.

My mantra has always been "To do". I'm a lot of talk and little action which drives me nuts because I've got so many dreams that I KNOW are attainable.

I love this entry so much, the rawness is beautiful and cringe worthy. It's things I'm sure many people have done at one time or another but are to ashamed to ever talk about it again.

I also love Britney Spears. If she'd have me I'd marry her. I hate that this is a thing to be ashamed of now too because she is so brilliant!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Eve- ah we are kindred souls, you mlove britney- I'd marry here too..That is if you didn't marry her first. and i LOVE your mantra, I have that one as well.

•¦Amy¦• said...

There's something waiting for you on my blog!

Lindsay said...

When I think of losing my boyfriend, I literally can't breathe. I have irrational fears of him dying in a car crash or getting lost in the woods somewhere even though neither one of us is particularly outdoorsy. I need to take your advice and leave those fears behind. You're right, it doesn't get us anywhere good.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

amy- ooo yay! I'm going to check now!

Phoenix said...

Best.Post.Ever.

LovelyAnomaly said...

My mantra is what you just saw on my blog: I can reach my goals / I have what it takes / and I am worth it:

http://majalisblooms.wordpress.com/2009/08/15/a-little-reminder-from-my-fridge/

Also: I won't judge you if you keep eating blocks of cheese. ;)

Mary said...

be thankful everyday.

You crack me up dear :)

Eidothia said...

Super motivated blog i see here :) To not let anyone ruffle my lovely feathers ;)

Michelle said...

Perfect! Goodness, I love your blog. I don't think there is a better mantra. I know that fear is also what cripples me most, xo.

j said...

this is wonderful. i have such irrational fear when it comes to my relationship that im pretty much a nervous wreck every time he does something amazing because im afraid it'll stop happening. so i know what you mean. damn. and i know EXACTLY what you mean by the look on his face when you put on a bra. hahaha. i'm not a fan of the common product we call "bra". you are totally awesome and i love your little lessons.

Miss Kriss said...

You literally took the words right out of my mouth. I have the same thoughts, fears and, believe it or not, dreams about DGC's ex girlfriend! It's so funny, I am a pretty adventurous person, except when it comes to relationships. Perhaps it's because I have been burned far too many times to count, or maybe it's because I don't feel worthy of love...but whatever the reason, I think I am going to steal your mantra and try to approach the situation without fear! :)

jax said...

ahhh, my mantra is 'read your blog more often'. that was great. loved it.

Sabrina said...

This post was just what i need to hear! I am so afraid to love again, it's soooo scary! All your fears echo my fears... But fear is death and I want to LIVE!!!!!!

Katie said...

Hear, hear.

My boyfriend and I first got together (-ish) over four years ago. It ended miserably the first time when he got back together with his ex over spring break, while I was out of town, and didn't bother to even say anything to me about it. Just waited until I put the pieces together. So we didn't speak for a while. Then, because I *really* liked him, we started dating again a few months later and we dated for a while. But then he realized he was going to have to leave Texas and move back to Oregon, where he was originally from, and he couldn't date me anymore. And then shortly after we broke up, he started dating his ex-girlfriend (yes, the same one) AGAIN. They dated for a year and then some, and we didn't speak (again) for the entire time. Then, for whatever reason, we did start talking again and when I came to his part of the country for a family reunion, we hung out and decided, oh, we still REALLY like each other. And, after a few months of talking and talking and talking, decided to try things out again. He was still friends with his ex. She was still as unfriendly toward me as she had been several years prior. I had so many jealousy and fear issues (nightmares and paranoia and SOOO much more) that it almost ruined our relationship.

But then I realized, if I keep letting her get to me, she's going to get exactly what she wants and exactly what I'm so afraid of is going to happen. So I told the boyfriend it was his responsibility to deal with her, and if he didn't deal with her in a way that made it clear I was the one he wanted and that he was no longer interested in her, I'd just leave him. And the thing is, he WAS dealing with her and as soon as I stopped letting the crazy get in the way of seeing that, things miraculously improved.

Even though I had some REALLY good reasons to be paranoid about him and his ex both (most people thought I was crazy for dating him again), if you've committed yourself to something, then you should be all in. If you don't trust him, you can't be all in, and you shouldn't be committing yourself to that. If you really think he's worth it, though, you've just got to let go of the crazy and focus on making what you've got even better.

Good luck with everything. :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jax- love that mantra! lol

Katie- oh man, I have had this exact story happen to me. Yes I have. in a previous relationshp.

Skyler said...

1) I'm new to this whole thing, but I found you & followed you. Cuz your posts seem to kick. At least this one.. which I read.
2) Others seem to agree with the latter half of point #1, so this shit's legit. Or just tricky.
3) As for my Mantra: "live without worry, die without regret". My "worry" is probably pretty similar to your "fear"... uncertainty about the future can scare you shitless, but it's never produced a $0.01 of value in anyones life.
4) eh, fuck #4. This shit's a trio.

Vanessa said...

Embrace adventure and serenity now are my mantras. It just struck me how they are almost opposite of each other. I am a dual zodiac sign, hmmmm...wonder if that has anything to do with it.

Kat said...

Wow! Look at all of the responses. You did a great job with this post. It's as if each of us has been or is there and completely relates.

One of my favorite mantras is "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it."

J-Diggety said...

A few of my (many) mantras:

Everything in life is a choice.

You're stronger than you think you are.

Love is bigger and stronger than anything that thinks it can go up against it and win. And that's Love with a capital "L"!

floreta said...

another great entry. i SO relate to this. its hard to keep the crazy out when i'm in a relationship :( i feel more normal when i'm not in one.. and i hope someday to achieve better balance in a relationship

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Skyler- yay, I have a man reader! So fun.....there are so few of you. I love your matra also, damn straight.

J-diggety- I LOVE THOSE

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

mary- I'm also realizing that GRATITUDE is the MOST important thing. Above all. And love- which are basically one. Being grateful for all thats good AND bad, knowing it is as it should be.

Ryan said...

Your writing, your mind, your sense of life. Are brilliant. I am exceedingly lucky, words can't quantify it.

mn said...

i thoroughly enjoyed these last two posts. sometimes you are able to put thoughts into words that i can't find ways to express.
pretty cool.
that line about your belly sneaking up over your waist band had me laughing out loud.
hey, i love britney too. but so do not watch the kardashians, get out while you can before your brain turns into mush, ha ha.
what's love without a little fear?
and i love and cherish my stomach. still want to rid that
"extra" feeling. but i realized i have to love my body in order to take care of it. hating it won't work. it is me and who i am and what i went through. i want to be comfy in it and finally realized that even for a moment, i just want to be at peace with my body, my self. it's such a liberating thought. to not have that sitting in the back of your head with everything you do. it's a good feeling. the moments i make peace with my body, i feel freer. and then i feel freer and happier to make positive changes to be healthy...

mn said...

must clarify:
yes, love requires risk, trust and faith etc.
but he does NOT define who you are or what's special about you. you already know that. he just has to find it.
He does not DEFINE your beauty, your essence and why you are worth being with. You already have it. It's normal to wonder if you are as good as the last one. but that's a bit of beginner's jealousy in a new relationship. by now, you know you don't need comparisons to realize you and all of us, have quintessential (sp?)qualities.
you were breathing before, you will still be breathing after. i know you don't need to hear this, but never let a man define what is special and unique about you. if they are smart, they'll figure it out all by themselves. the good ones do. sorry it's long. just experienced enough turmoil to realize it's not worth it.

Lo said...

You are too funny, I'm pretty sure I'm going to love your blog. Thanks for checking mine out.

Nahl said...

Chelsea. Something brought me back here. I am scared. I'm reading this blog about a woman's boyfriend passing away, and i am so scared of what life can do to us. It's too much to risk. It's too much to give up too, which is why i can't give up being in love, but i can't get the disturbing thought out of my mind. "what if?"
God forbid

Curly Su said...

god, i just wrote a post about this. really, this exact thing.

and then i deleted it (after it was published for a whole day, so my google readers saw it), because i was afraid he would see it and think i'm 1) crazy and 2) marriage-obsessed.

sigh.

my mantra - to trust.

Anonymous said...

It was extremely interesting for me to read the blog. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.

Anonymous said...

Don't stop posting such articles. I like to read stories like this. BTW add some pics :)

 
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