Sunday, September 13, 2009

I broke my vagina.

My vagina broke.

Temporarily. PHEW. We can all stop crying for me now.

"Baby!!!! BABY!!!!" I scream at My Love as he's upstairs painting.

"I BROKE MY VAGINA! I CAN'T WALK!" sheer terror followed by moaning, whimpering, fake-cry noises and frenetic spewing of disconjointed words, "never. sex. die. pregnant? sharp. frozen dinner. can't. move."

....Let me rewind, here's what happened:

Early Friday morning we notice that we were out of coffee, so I, being the loving and willing girlfriend said I'd go to the store to pick some up- let's be real, I am not a nice person without coffee in my bloodstream. After a morning quickie, I threw on my moo-moo (i.e. baggy Forever 21 dress that doesn't give me shape, but makes me calves look exceptionally thin) and hurried off to the store.

....midway between isle 7 and isle 12 where I was vacillating over Columbian coffee or something fancy like Creme Brulee flavored, I felt a SHARP. INTENSE. SHOOTING PAIN. IN MY VAGINA. I thought, "Hm, odd? Well, I should go grab a couple frozen dinners since I'm too broke to buy ingredients for REAL FOOD. And maybe a block of cheese. Ooh and some candy corn! Weeeee life!"

I shuffle off to Isle 10, moo-moo following behind me (there's a three second delay between your body and the movement of a moo-moo).....where my anticipation of grabbing a Lean Cuisine was interrupted by a rush of heat and blurred vision. I pay for the coffee and rush heels on fucking FIRE all the way home......

this is when the panic sets; OH HOLY GOD, I MUST BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE PREGNANT AND THEN A BABY PLOPS OUT WHILE THEY'RE STOPPED AT A RED LIGHT. Oh Jesus. Hm, what would I name her? Yes, my non-existent first born is a her. Would I have to cut the umbilical chord with my teeth?! Fuck. fuck.
What if there's no sex ever again in my life? I've peaked and plunged to hell.

These are the panicked thoughts I had; fuck, If a baby appears My Love and I would have to fashion baby clothes out of hand-me-down sheets since we're too broke, and oh GOD, what if I have to deliver in a bathtub?! MAKE IT STOP!

The pain got progressively worse with each step. So what did we do? We Googled it. THEN, we called my MOTHER, " vagina is attacking me."

After searching and taking a shitload of Advil- it turns out it was some sort of MUSCULAR nerve thing? It can happen to anyone, anytime. WOMEN BEWARE.

So what did I do all weekend? I lay on the couch IMMOBILE from VAGINAL PARALYSIS. I could barely take a step without feeling the shooting pain (men I assume the pain is very similar to getting racked?) Turns out, there's a correlation between vaginal pain, immobility and binge eating. I nursed my vajay backed to health all weekend with Chinese food, pizza-extra pineapple, strawberry icecream, Dateline, Say Yes to the Dress and My sweet, sweet Love who loved me despite my inability to have sex with him, loved me anyway.

After the PANIC subsided and there was wine/food/terrible pop culture in my belly, My Love says, "Baby, how great, you got to say your favorite word (Vagina) about a million times this weekend."


Vagina, VaJAYJAY, Coochie, what do you call it??


Sid said...

"My vagina broke." Upon reading THAT sentence I was all like, "Wow. Chelsea really DOES know how to have great sex."

jillian-anne said...

you are such a funny writer! hope your vag is fully recovered :)

Jenni said...

HaHa, that is HILARIOUS! I'm sorry to hear you had the temporary breaking of the Va Jay Jay. But glad to hear it is up and working again.

ps- I'd have been thinking all those same panicked thoughts like you! Ek!

Abra said...

wow, so as much as i feel for you for having to deal with that excruciating situation the whole weekend... the way you presented it was HILARIOUS. HI. LAR. I. OUS.

oh, and i usually say vajayjay :)

Fuzzy Cert said...

I'd have had some sort of panic attack. Just died right there in the middle of the store, coffee spilling all around me. I'm very dramatic in my imagination.

Lilian Moreira said...

OMG! I am in a bus stop now, reading your post and laughing like a mad woman!! This is hilarious! I also thought you broke it having sex... Lol

Passion Fruit said...

I actually did break mine once while having sex. I really like your cure, tho. If it should ever happen again, or the way it happened to you, I'll be starting the treatment right away.

Arushi Khosla said...

Ahahaha you are the funniest writer.
My friends and I, actually call it, Rio.
Something we picked up from that supremely dumb book, Bergdorf Blondes.
I'd die of a panic attack. I swear. I'm one of THOSE people.

Mandy said...

ohhhhhh your poor bajingo!! :( i can't even imagine.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard.....

I am torn though....I feel bad that you broke your Vajay jay....but then I am happy for the public service message for all women!!!

I will most certainly be aware of the burning fire and sharp anytime I can heal by eating and watching tv pretty much is awesome to me!!!

Go team VAG

Kimberly said...

Just so you know, coffee spewing out the nose is not a great feeling! LOL! You are so funny.

Pretty Unfamous said...

I prefer the word "cooter."

Didn't you go to the hospital??? I'd be freaking out!!

Megan said...

Honestly, I have a few names for it depending on my mood.

Vagine (vah-gene -- husband thinks this one is weird)
Vahjayjay (Thanks, Grey's Anatomy)
Girly Part
My Girl


Sebastian Anthony said...


My psychiatrist said that it's better to name it/her -- helps with the post-op trauma, apparently.

Melissa said...

Haha! I'm sorry to hear about your discomfort, however, this story was really amusing...

P.S. I got The Geography of Bliss and loved it! Thank you for recommending it!

Herding Cats said...

Scary! That sounds so painful! I really like your cure for it however :)

nicole antoinette said...

Nooo! This is so something that would happen to me :(

In light of your broken vagina, I will give you a free pass on not yet getting back to me about NYC. But that better change this week, lady!


sarah said...

OMG. I am so glad to hear that your vagina is feeling better. If it occurs again, feel free to let me know and I will send it an e-card.


Um, if the above ever happens, I hope you at least have the common courtesy to blog about it.

Christielove said...

LMFAO so hilarious

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

More than just hilarious!!! Great story...ok, not so great, considering. I'd be freaking out, though! Glad to hear it's pretty much all back to normal.

Anonymous said...

Um, I just call it a vagina.

Rachael @ The Little Birdie said...

Haha! Great story, but glad you're feeling better!! I prefer "Hoo hoo" or "Vajay" when referring to my majestic. :)

It made me laugh so hard when you thought you were pregnant, because I think that ANY time I have even the slightest twinge down there... Like what the heck am I going to do if I pop out a baby right here in the parking lot?!?

Too much TV... that's my excuse.

Court said...

You said candy corn and now it's like I'm an addict. Got. To. Have. Candy. CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liz said...

THATS what that is?! Good lord that makes me feel better. Here I was thinking perhaps I had some sort of cunt disease. LOLZ. Jk. But srsly, I'm glad you are feeling better. Whenever that happens to me I always feel like somebody took a knife and shoved it up there. No fun.

Oh, and I have the same Forever 21 moo-moo :]

DarkAngel said...

Hahaha What a wonderful and hilarious read. My first time to your page and I love it! :0)

Lisa-Marie said...

My very good freind Rachael refers to it as her Foof. I know this because we were in a pub drinking our 4th jug of Woo-Woos(the cocktail) and I was explaining that it was ok, because the cranberry juice was good for your girly stuff, and she said 'It's good for your foof'. On telling another freind about this conversation(about a year later, yet again drinking woo-woos) she said 'One could say that it is good for your WOO-WOO'.

So yes, foof and woo-woo is what it is called!

I'm glad yours is better, it's not fun when it's damaged!

Unknown said...

Bwuahaha. That was funny! I was just glad that you didn't fall and hit your hoo or something.

Hope your vag feels better soon.

Keni said...

Ha Ha. This is hilarious! When I was growing up, I was only allowed to call it my "What's-it". It was just a common family thing, I suppose (lots of girls in the fam.) Except for that one crazy aunt (we all have one) who INSISTED on calling it her "Flossy".
Now that I'm older, I usually call it my "good girl". Not sure where I picked that up.

Erin said...

My "lady parts."

This post scared me! I currently have the random shooting pain thing in my shoulder and have had it for a week. I'm glad I didn't get it in my vag.

Heal up!

Jay Ferris said...

I think that after this post, my site will no longer be the top search result returned for "Chelsea's vagina".

You may have won... for now.

Phoenix said...

I have no words for how much I am in awe of how ridiculously rad this post is.

I really, really want to print it out and tape it to the work fridge but then I think I'd get fired.

Ali said...


Is it weird that I kiiinda felt that while reading this post? Because I kiiinda did.

JUST ME said...

A shooting pain in the vajayjay?

There are probably worse things, but I can't think of them right now.

Doniree said...

I'm SO sorry for the pain, but this is one of the best posts I've ever read! I don't know that there's a better way to nurse ANYTHING back to health than wine and pizza-extra pineapple.

Hope your hoo-hah has fully recovered!

hannahjustbreathe said...

While mildly distressing to read, this post was hilarious. Glad to hear your vag is on the mend.

Jules said...

My Vadge or My Love Tunnel

I have had this happen before, it is terrible. Here's a wee hint, happened heaps when I was pregnant with third and fourth children. Beware

Patty Ann said...

vajayjay!! you are effin hilarious girl.

Miss Angie said...

OUCH! That is noooooo fun at all.

I call it my cookie or my who-who. :P said...

I love your "wheee life" thrown in there. You're my favorite.

The Boy calls genitals "parts" and so I've taken to calling my vagina my "parts" which is weirdly fun.

Lacey said...

I am now in love with you. I am falling out of my chair. Thank you for this cheer up!

Anonymous said...

Vajayjay!! Favorite word of all time.

Anonymous said...

Good God! I'm glad you didn't have an unknown baby but I hope your coochie heals quickly!!

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

I call "her" a Chine Chine!!!!

Kandace said...

That was Hilarious. I occasionally get the whole massive pain thing, but I got them a Lot when pregnant due to hips separating blah blah so I pretty much just stop breathe, and kinda readjust how i'm standing so I'm not lined up wrong. It seems to work for me. Sucks that your poor self took more. And yes, I'm a crazy lady who can't figure out a good word. So I call it Me , Myself, my Self., or occasinally Mine. Depending on which works best in my sentence. Then there is the classic There or Yes. My husband always knows what I mean. :) We refer to my daughter's as her privates. She refers to it as her prize.she is almost 3.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

omg! The names you guys are using are KILLING ME! I have so many to add to my vocab!!! FABULOUS lol.

Anonymous said...

Bruised my cervix once...long story (haha, get it?) ;) Definitely not fun, there were tears.

Glad you're feeling better. :)

fritha louise said...

Ohh I was giggling all through this. Glad your vajay-jay is better now though!

tam said...

Ha ha thats a funny post, but also ouch! Hope your feeling better!

Thanks for popping by x x

Ellie said...

Oh dear god, I fell off my chair I was laughing so hard. I'm sorry to laugh at your terrible misfortune. I call it a 'fanny anne'. I'm not sure why, but so do all my sisters and my mother so its probably a sill genetic thing. Hope you and yours are feeling better!

Hannah said...

Oh my lord - that is HILARIOUS. P.S. Has happened to me too.

I call it a wan. I don't know why. My best friend and I started calling vaginas that (I don't remember why) when we were 15 and a decade later it has kinda stuck. It's wantastic.

Just Add Walter said...

with a title like that I had to read the story! glad your vajayjay has recovered.... now I kind of want to break mine so I can catch up on some of my favorite shows... but I don't really want the pain... so maybe not!

Rebecca (Dog-Eared) said...

that sounds miserable. i will now be living in constant fear of this happening to me..

Glowing Doll said...

Holy Crap!

I hope you feel better.

Liz said...

LOL - that is too funny.

Lindsey Marie said...

I tend to use the word "cooter". and I certainly hope it doesn't brake anytime soon! I'm glad you're feeling better!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

i TOTALLY had this happen to me! Excpet I didn't have the smarts you had to google and call momma. Instead I swore that it was a mental all my diseases I swear are.

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Lols what a catchy title! OH and that muscle spasm thingy you mentioned, geez, i hope i never experience one of those, I have such low tolerance for pain.

Mademoiselle Deva said...

I'll quote brilliant Ms Samatha "fuck shit mutherfucker fuck shit situation" and I had to hold my... tight not to pee my pants while I was reading your story! hilarious! I broke my vagina! said...

HEELAR! I just sent your vagina a get well bouqet--I hope she likes tulips. (chuckle, chuckle) I love using different names such as: bearded clam, wizard's sleeve and moose knuckle.

magnoliaamber said...

Haha...a bit vulgar to my cultural background but I am completely fine with that because I know what you are referring to...the way you express it is so funny!
Thank you or your recent comment:)

Mishi said...

I'm not gonna lie - I totally thought you were kidding when I read the title. Then, I kept reading and got TERRIFIED. That can just happen, randomly? Seriously? AAAA!!

Glad you're feeling better, even if I'm mildly traumatized.

Charis said...

Psssh I'll take a weekend of that!

Thanks for the comment on my blog, glad you liked the quote!

Anonymous said...

Anyone who has watched Chelsea Lately has probably heard the term "kaslopis" (sp??)
definite fav.


Haha, this is the funniest thing I have read all week. Ive had this pain before, no fun! Love how you put a comical spin to this subject.

Blicious said...

OHMYLANTA!!!!!!!!!!! i am so sorry about your pain but this post was amazing! i love that you said vagina at least 90 times. so funny!

and i was dying when you thought you were having a baby. i ALWAYS think that when i get the slightest pain. those shows are terrible and i dont want anything just falling out. GAG!

Manju said...

LMAO!! I'm sorry for you, but this is hilarious! My first thought was OMG Chelsea has extremely extremely wild sex hahaha

BonBon Rose Girls Kristin said...

Ummmmm, that sounds God awful and I've given birth.

EvieStewart said...

OMG, I'm so following you -- tweet this stuff and I'll be cracking up all day. Rock on.

Magchunk said...

Seriously, one of my worst fears is being one of those women who doesn't know she's pregnant until a baby plops into the toilet.

I tend to use the term "lady parts".

Glad you're feeling better. Sounds awful!

~ Kelly Ann ♥ said...

Oh my goodness- I couldn't stop laughing from this post- Freakin Hilarious!

I'm now a follower-Have a great day sweetie!
Please check out my blog


iheartkiwi said...

oh my goodness i just died laughing... i saw the post title and had to come see what it was all about.

sounds like quite the trip to the grocery store! why have i never heard of this before?

what a great excuse to hang out on the couch and veg all weekend!

Unknown said...

I made strange grunting sounds which I assume was laughter but less calm more hysterical - kind of like a kid getting candy from a a horribly difigured person - surprised and a bit horrified, but still really glad to be getting candy. i guess it was a guffaw. yes, i was guffawing at your story.

off to flex my sacred muscles.

Mimi said...

thanks for your lovely comment. this is too funny!

Molly said...

So sorry you were hurting but holy hell! Hilarious!
Vajayjay is the word for me!

Iva Messy said...

omg! speechless. totally hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your malfunction. I'd probably just lay down in the store and cry. Cry, cry, cry.

Oh and one of my third graders said this last week,

"Miss JPP, I got hit with a ball at recess and hurt my pretty kitty privates."

That is forever the name my girlie bits with go by.

Cafe Pasadena said...

I don't know what you mean by breaking your vagina. I can only imagine how it feels.

Eve said...

You should submit this post to the Vagina Monoglogues! Brilliant!

I usually call it my Cunt or Fanny (very british).

But Husband being the delicate man he is calls it my Snatch or my Minge.

He actually has a badge on his rucksack that says "I love my wifes minge" ... My husband is an executive of a international company... This went down interestingly at his last board meeting. :P

daisychain said...

I totally had to cross my legs reading this.


i've never read a better title in my entire life. great post.

LenoreNeverM♡re said...

You are too hee-heelariousss!
so happy it's working & no major repair needed!

MJ said...

This made me laugh very hard. I love the word vagina almost as much as you do! Hope you're feeling better, and thanks for stopping by my blog: you've got a new follower!

prettyneons said...

Oh god this is brilliant we must meet up in the future...sooooooo very funny!!!!!!!!!!
prettyneons (:

Elle said...

Read the title and thought "Huh ??!!" Funny stuff, whish I had a moo-moo

Kathy said...

This was freaking hysterical! Thanks for the laugh.

I call my vagina a Twat.

Winnie said...

Haha. You're hilarious!!

Meghan said...

Darling you absolutely MADE my day by this post. I'm sorry to hear about your "down there" difficulty but I'm so happy to hear that you've made a full recovery. much love :0)

jules said...

Oh hope your better, your a great super writer though.

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Jason Anders said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
rachaelgking said...

Informally, she's just "The Vag." But in a situation like that, I think I would have had to use her whole name, "Vaginnifer Lee Dontfuckingbreakonme."

E said...

chotch would be be my term of choice :-)

BG said...

HAHAHAHAHAH i died reading this post. so funny (and scary i'm sure...but i'm glad you're ok!) :)

Wine and Words said...

Well I usually just call it "Ugly" but I have made a list from the comments and all names are now under consideration.

Anonymous said...

wow that was hilarious to read but I'm sure not so much for you! Thanks for visiting my humble blog!!Love Love new visitors and you are so funny! I'm gonna totally follow, hope your colita's feeling better:)

Hillary said...

I hope your nush is feeling better! Whenever I have the slightest twinge of 'not normal' in the vag, I am convinced that I will never have sex again.

P said...

In my area of Scotland, we call them "fannies". It never fails to make me laugh.

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Celia said...

what a frightening story.

i call it a cooch.

Michelle said...

Mentioned you in my latest post, lovely! xo.

Stacy said...

Maybe asking the obvious: well-endowed boyfriend?

Might be an explanation.

chelsina said...

OMG what a funny entry!

I hope you & your kitty are well darling!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Maggie May said...

oh you poor thing.

my Lola calls it 'lavina' la-vine-a

so do i

jules said...

How a horrible experience. I feel like I'm going to be paranoid this is going to happen to me now! Glad youre feeling better!!!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tripp said...

i call it heaven if its with a good girl.. cause bad girls can make it a hell :)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
floreta said...

bizarre. i've never heard of this. and i hope i never experience it. glad you're better.

Sizzle said...

I really want an opportunity to say "vaginal paralysis" but never in the context of my OWN vagina.


Christina Peppina said...

I just had to read the title and I knew I loved this post! Hope your cha-chee is doing better! :-)

SandyB said...


best way to heal a vagina is with love and kisses. oooh, dir-tay.

Anonymous said...












Anonymous said...

You're so selfless. First this public announcement and then you deliver the cure too!!

Lisa said...

I am just wondering....if you break your vagina is there a cast or sling they prescribe and if so can you wear pants with it? LMAO! Thanks for sharing!

Joy @ BigTimeFancy said...


oh my god, i'm in the rome airport, about to pee my pants. AMAZING.

Anonymous said...




Sarcastica said...

So, I noticed you added me on 20sb. And I came here to lurk. And now I'm wearing tea all down my front from where I spite it out laughing at the hilarity that is this post.

You are seriously awesome. I read your post to my fiance and we died laughing.

Can't wait to read more! Add me to twitter if you have it!

crystal said...

haha "heal the vajayjay!"
but seriously, that is so scary. :(

Anonymous said...

I wish you health and happiness every day!
Ich wunsche Ihnen Gluck und Gesundheit jeden Tag!
Je vous souhaite sante et bonheur chaque jour!


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. said...

It is a little known fact that regardless of the ethnic origin of your vagina, Chinese food will ALWAYS cure it.
I call mine "the girl."

Eryn Tracy said...

This is EXACTLY the kind of post that made me want to start blogging! Truly funny, I'll be following! :)

Holly said...

Holy lord, that sounds excruciating.

My vagina has many names. But I guess the name it answers to most frequently is Taco.

And by the way, this post gave me MAJOR lulz. Your blog rocks!

blunt delivery said...

i for one, am glad your vagina is okay.

and i'm glad you won't be featured on TLC's i didn't know i was pregnant. cus really, i'd of lost alot of respect for you.

jayme said...

you, my friend, are funny. very funny. thanks for makin my work day seem a little less miserable.

Grace said...

You are marvelous. I love the way you use words.

Love Grace.

Corinna said...

you're so funny!i just hope i never have to experience that

Toothfairy said...

wahahahha! I was already lmao reading the post header!

well, I just call it the vagina, because, that's how it's called!

Hope yours is fine by now!


Toothfairy said...

wahahahha! I was already lmao reading the post header!

well, I just call it the vagina, because, that's how it's called!

Hope yours is fine by now!


Anonymous said...

haha you should read my last hipster update. my vagina nearly broke too


Oh my god, I'm dying of laughter! Now I'm deathly freaking afraid of vaginal paralysis, thank you.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting, by the way!



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