My vagina broke.
Temporarily. PHEW. We can all stop crying for me now.
"Baby!!!! BABY!!!!" I scream at My Love as he's upstairs painting.
"I BROKE MY VAGINA! I CAN'T WALK!" sheer terror followed by moaning, whimpering, fake-cry noises and frenetic spewing of disconjointed words, "never. sex. die. pregnant? sharp. frozen dinner. can't. move."
....Let me rewind, here's what happened:
Early Friday morning we notice that we were out of coffee, so I, being the loving and willing girlfriend said I'd go to the store to pick some up- let's be real, I am not a nice person without coffee in my bloodstream. After a morning quickie, I threw on my moo-moo (i.e. baggy Forever 21 dress that doesn't give me shape, but makes me calves look exceptionally thin) and hurried off to the store.
....midway between isle 7 and isle 12 where I was vacillating over Columbian coffee or something fancy like Creme Brulee flavored, I felt a SHARP. INTENSE. SHOOTING PAIN. IN MY VAGINA. I thought, "Hm, odd? Well, I should go grab a couple frozen dinners since I'm too broke to buy ingredients for REAL FOOD. And maybe a block of cheese. Ooh and some candy corn! Weeeee life!"
I shuffle off to Isle 10, moo-moo following behind me (there's a three second delay between your body and the movement of a moo-moo).....where my anticipation of grabbing a Lean Cuisine was interrupted by a rush of heat and blurred vision. I pay for the coffee and rush heels on fucking FIRE all the way home......
this is when the panic sets; OH HOLY GOD, I MUST BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE PREGNANT AND THEN A BABY PLOPS OUT WHILE THEY'RE STOPPED AT A RED LIGHT. Oh Jesus. Hm, what would I name her? Yes, my non-existent first born is a her. Would I have to cut the umbilical chord with my teeth?! Fuck. fuck.
What if there's no sex ever again in my life? I've peaked and plunged to hell.
These are the panicked thoughts I had; fuck, If a baby appears My Love and I would have to fashion baby clothes out of hand-me-down sheets since we're too broke, and oh GOD, what if I have to deliver in a bathtub?! MAKE IT STOP!
The pain got progressively worse with each step. So what did we do? We Googled it. THEN, we called my MOTHER, "Mother.....my vagina is attacking me."
After searching and taking a shitload of Advil- it turns out it was some sort of MUSCULAR nerve thing? It can happen to anyone, anytime. WOMEN BEWARE.
So what did I do all weekend? I lay on the couch IMMOBILE from VAGINAL PARALYSIS. I could barely take a step without feeling the shooting pain (men I assume the pain is very similar to getting racked?) Turns out, there's a correlation between vaginal pain, immobility and binge eating. I nursed my vajay backed to health all weekend with Chinese food, pizza-extra pineapple, strawberry icecream, Dateline, Say Yes to the Dress and My sweet, sweet Love who loved me despite my inability to have sex with him, loved me anyway.
After the PANIC subsided and there was wine/food/terrible pop culture in my belly, My Love says, "Baby, how great, you got to say your favorite word (Vagina) about a million times this weekend."
ALL HEAL THE VAJAY VAJAY!!!!
Vagina, VaJAYJAY, Coochie, what do you call it??