Sunday, September 27, 2009

MAKE SHIT HAPPEN, or live off of Easy Mac forever.

Life on the road- Oh Lord, I HAVEN'T HAD INTERNET SINCE I WROTE THE LAST POST, right? HELL. Horrible hell.

As many of your know, I'm on the road with my band, we're playing the shit out of Seattle and I'm writing via recording studio at the moment. Fancy tunes we're playing...fancy, fancy.

It's amazing when you force four people to be together 24/7 for nearly three weeks. There's been great moments, moments where I've had to exercise great restraint to not throw a few punches, a few unexpected tears and run-ins.

The moment finally came when I had to see the ex, after the last incident a little over a year ago, where I ended up crying so hard I hyperventilated and got mascara smeared all the way to my knees- which obviously means I was CRYING CURLED IN A BALL, which is just, pathetic. I did the BIG thing and went to his show here in Seattle to see parts of his dreams being realized, and genuinely, am happy that he's doing it. We were civil. It didn't make me want to run in front of a moving truck, on the highway- so, that's a good thing. Whether or not he'll return the same care and come to one of my shows, remains to be seen.....but why should I care right?......I do though. I want him to see me happy, flourishing, expressing. We're all human that way- we want to prove something when we haven't had the chance to.

ALSO, ran into the girl who he left me/left her for me for several times- that was a fantastic trip to Awkwardville. I get it, she had good hair. Girls with good hair always win. Though, I have to say- we were similar, I believe our closets probably look the same, we have the same taste in music, margaritas and men- so we can't be that much different. If anything, I have more compassion for her situation now than I did- now that I'm happy and in love. I hate her less- or, not at all actually- she probably cried just as much as I did curled into a little ball, her heart probably hurt just as much as mine did. So, we've at least got that much in common- not to mention the shared penis. But that goes without saying. I just like saying penis.

This entire trip has been a test in compassion really. Patience. A test in faith and confidence. The universe gives you those, "HOW MUCH DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS" moments and we have to act. decide. and toughen up. Even when you're playing to empty rooms and you're negative zero dollars since leaving home, and if you eat another fruit snack you'll fucking die.
We all do really interesting things when we're in a place of desperation. I'm learning to understand that about people......

Some of us like bagels in the morning, others need bacon. I'm learning I'm a snobby traveler- I like eating out, shopping, going to museums and spending money on sparkly drinks and appetizers with truffle oil. Some of us prefer to site see- others prefer to sleep. Some of us buckle under the pressure of MAKING THINGS HAPPEN, others thrive under it. Some of us act like CHILDREN when we're faced with adversity and some of us throw on our sunglasses and hide behind the facade of "bad ass." Either way.....we all DEAL differently.

I would also like to mention that while on the road, I lost one of my MAIN sources of income-How am I dealing? Well after I kicked some shit around and cried into my coffee cup- I said, must mean the World is giving way for something EVEN MORE FUCKING WONDERFUL. Like, Lady Gaga and I becoming friends and tripping on an oil well in my backyard.

.....More stories to come later.




Layla said...

How long will you be playing in Seattle? I would love to see you play.

LOSTPLUM said...

Note to self: GET GOOD HAIR! said...

Well played! Seeing the ex's new lady is never fun, especially when they have good hair. Harumph. Sounds like you're crushing Seattle though--hot shit! Keep on keepin' on!

Stevie said...

YAY Seattle! I'll see you on Tuesday at Tost. Can't wait!

Unknown said...

this is my fave line in the post: "We all do really interesting things when we're in a place of desperation. "

I love the word "interesting" bc it can either mean pretty much anything...and that's pretty much what people will do when they're in a desperate situation.

I've never been the girl with good hair so I feel you. but, you are make strangers laugh, you seem to be an honest person, you're an amazing writer and you are talented. good hair is totally overrated...take it from a wildly curly-haired girl.

I find myself rising to the occassion when I'm under pressure but not without torturing myself a little bit:)

Lisa said...

Great story. You are a fabulous story teller. Know how I deal with stress, I don't. I bottle it all up until one day I have a tif with a friend and then the flood gates open. I snipe at her and then I am heave crying sounding part insane asylum inmate, part asthmatic. I bark at my friend but I am really scared that my neice will be hospitalized with Lukemia. I melt down, let it all out, and then I start the cycle all over again. Hang in there, I hope money comes your way, and you find your dreams.

New Follower, LadyWanderlust

Jenni said...

Sounds like you're having a great time in Seattle - I can't wait to see all the photos! It also sounds like you and the others in your band are learning a lot about each other. You didn't mention any deaths or replacements in the band thus far so I'm guessing that all is well in this learning process.

And I'm sorry you lost your job (I'm guessing that was your pain source of income?), but your positive attitude on the whole situation just makes it a millions times better and is absolutely right.

Wish I didn't live 100,000 miles on the other side of the nation (from Seattle) so I could see you and your band rocking out. Just keep it up - I know you'll go big! :)

Ducky said...

Seattle is such a fabulous city! Sounds like the journey is not only one of music and discovered dreams but awesome introspection and growth. Whew...that sounded really adult like... anyway, really connected with and enjoyed your post today. Looking forward to the next one! Enjoy the journey kiddo...

. said...

yay for seattle! have fun!

chelsina said...

I think I do both; I do kick, scream and cry, question things, internalize, etc; but ultimately, I think the fear of succumbing to a label of "weak" pushes me forward. My drive to achieve goals becomes ten fold; and everyone who hurt me in the meantime will get to watch me flourish, be happy, love & still be able to wear my heart on my sleeve.

You're that type too, chels. you can't dim that kind of shine :)

Kandace said...

It sucks that you lost your job. It's great that your band is doing well though.

Personally, I just do what I have to do and ignore the pressure. In a lot of ways I do better under pressure since otherwise I over think things.

Bridget said...

Seattle and I have a strained relationship too. My ex lived there. When the guy whom I last dated (not the long term ex - just the rebound guy) went there with a girl whose GUTS I HATE and some others, then asked me "where I used to hang," I did everything but shoot him. I was mean, I cried, I made him wonder what he'd done wrong. Long story short, good for you for being so generous and supportive. That's awesome.

When things take a turn for the worse, or the perceived worse, I try hard to be an adult and suck it up. Right now I have a 70-80% success rate. Aiming for 100% everyday. :)

Margarita @ said...

Got Stress? Go to a hairdresser ;) Then you'll also have 'good hair'.

Great post.

jillian-anne said...

getting out there and playing is fantastic, i wish i could do this but my songwriting sucks and i get stage fright :/ but still, it is my dream and i admire you for realising yours!
seems like you handled the ex situation with a lot of grace. good on you, you're a better person for it - i probably would have screamed then cried then sent a dozen texts i would regret the next day.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Layla- Hey dear! I'll be playing at Tost on the 29th, that's our last show here!!! :)

lostplum- DAMN STRAIGHT!!!

Hiphophippie- Thanks dear!!! Yeah, shes not his new lady anymore, she's also moved on which softened the blow a tad seeing her hah.

stevie- YAY! Can't wait! WEE!

chessa- I torture myself too ARGH. and thank you for the sweet words, made me smilllle

lisa- thank you for stopping by! I love new followers! I have flood gates that open like that too....we all have times like that.....hugs.

jenni- thank you! I wish you could see us too and the pictures will be great, I'm trying to remember to take them! I'm terrible about that!

daffy- absolutely, its so much than just the music.... but isn't that life? it's always MORE than the "purpose" there's layers upon layers.

Lily- thank youuuu!!

chelsina- I AM THAT TYPE TOO :)

kandace- I do well under pressure usually....I'm finding, trying t keep the blinders on!

bridget- seattle is the perfect place for exes, its gloomy- haha. Actually, I love LOVE seattle which makes it terrible because I really wish I could live here....I guess I could.....actually....I may. Glad there's someone who understands the ex story!

margarita- gurrrrl I DO need to a get a bang trim!

Jillian- oh yes, well I AM very well versed in sending text messages that I regret- don't get me wrong there. I've done it, many MANY times. And the only way to get over stage fright is by continuing to get on stage.... :)

Jessi said...

Haha... "shared penis"! That's great, lol!

And I totally know how it feels to be faced with "HOW BAD DO YOU WANT THIS??" from the good ol' uni... bad enough to live on pb&j and ibuprofen (pb&j cuz as a dancer I will not make money, and ibuprofen cuz us dancers are always effing sore)??? Hells yeah.

Git it girl!

Honey Bee said...

Im guessing I'll be coming to this post again and again...I'm just starting Law school (InshaALLAH)and i don't know how i'll handle it. EveryONE i have spoken to tells me that it's undoably hard. *sigh*
I guess it depends on how bad I want to do it. InshaALLAH.

And I have a feeling I have nice hair. Everyone says. :P so let me tell you, it's totally overrated!

Anonymous said...

Penis. What? I like to say it too!

I'd love to see your band. Congrats on dealing with the ex civilly. You are a stronger woman than me.


Fuzzy Cert said...

I don't have good hair naturally, but I straighten the bejesus out of it and then it's pretty fantastic. Lucky.

usually if I'm pressured, I'll cry and wallow for a while, but then I'll use it and attempt to rise up.

Miss V said...

total respect to your beautiful spirit! go you :)

Brooke said...

Nothing makes me happier than people following their dreams and putting up with the less than glamorous shit that comes along with making those dreams a reality. Congrats on everything. Like you said, since you lost that job, it just means that you have more time to put EVERYTHING into this dream, and it WILL succeed.

Doniree said...

Come to Minneapolis and let's discuss all of this in person.

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I know that I've already left a comment on this post but I thought I'd drop by to let you know that I'm doing a giveaway on my blog for a free year subscription to Fitness magazine. Check it out - it's a deal you don't want to miss (I swear!)

The deadline is tomorrow morning so enter now!

Jean Michelle Miernik said...

Wow, you make chaos and misery so darn inspirational! I guess that's why you're an artist, huh?

My most miserable and high-pressure times have led to my greatest achievements. Not at the time, necessarily, but a little later, after the shock, when that nice complex aftertaste of awe settles in.

I've made a nice, comfortable, low-maintenance life for myself, and I worry that it's making me lazy. I have a feeling I won't do anything significant unless a huge disaster or opportunity strikes. Maybe I should make one for myself... like getting knocked up or something. Ha!

Oh, and I have terrible hair, and I nabbed the man of my dreams. That's one thing I have going for me. Shiny, neat hair mystifies me, but I have somehow overcome.

Unknown said...

i rise up and then i buckle and curl into a ball. and then i get up again and (thankfully) due to my lack of short term memory, return back to work having completely forgotten what i was so upset about in the first place. i'm like a tantrum throwing goldfish.

Erin said...

You totally have good hair! Good luck on the road. I'm sure something more awesome is coming your way.

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Anonymous said...

What a wonderfully profound realization regarding the girl the ex left you for. I do believe you've come full circle. Only in your happiness and current state of IN LOVE could you ever be so kind as to see her side of the story. Did it suck? Yes. Are you better now? YES. You have great things awaiting you!

P.S. I so wish I could see you perform.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jdiggety- AH, the dancers pain, I know it all too well. I feel ya.

nahl- anything worth having is worth fighting for I suppose, if you really want. and as for the hair, people with nice hair ALWAYS say that! Cherish that hair girl!

hellytaylor- thanks! I KNOW I NEED TO WRITE MORE WHEN IM ON THE ROAD, I dont have a laptop at the moment! ah!

cuppycakes- ooo yes straightening is always a tough ting for me, I have that half straight/half curly hair. Very annoying.

vanessa- THANK YOU :)

Brooke- thanks dear, I certainly hope has some form...


Jnnei- awesome, thanks for letting me know! cheers!

recessionista- ah yes, sometimes I have that feeling 'waiting for the shoe to drop" I understand that....only get knocked up if you want to, lol ;)

feelmore- "tantrum throwing goldfish" HA.....that is awesome

erin- If I hairspray and curl the shit out if it! haaha. Thank you :)

chasing paradsie- hopefully you can one day! ah! and man....I HOPE Ive come full circle...

JUST ME said...

I thrive under's the only time I can't procrastinate.

And good for you for wishing the Ex and his Girl well. Most of us just wish those people in our lives would fall INTO a well.

Oh, wordplay.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

just me- oh yes....well....ive had that feeling before too.

Kt D said...

You are amazing. Love how you write. How long will you be in Seattle? I'm visiting there in a couple weeks, can't wait :)


Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chelsea Talks Smack said...

katie d- hey dear, thank you so much your comment made me smile :0) We actually leave on Wednesday, we've been here for over 2 weeks already! I think you'll miss us! BOO!

Anonymous said...

When adversity comes along, it's helpful to think that instead of it being an obstacle, that it's an opportunity; an opportunity to shine.

And as you say, putting on the air of "bad ass" does add to the motivation to deal with pressure. Because if shit hits the fan and can get shit under control, one item by one -- well, I do believe that DOES make you a bad ass. In real life. Not just on the outside.

Midtown Girl said...

IF you ever play in NYC please let me know - I would love to see you guys perform (ill bring peeps too)!

Would be great to do a band profile post of you guys in the future!!


Sizzle said...

I loved loved loved seeing you and your band perform. You're both so talented and I see big things for your band! Damn straight the Universe is gearing up to give you something bigger and better. Hang onto that.

Sizzle said...


Anonymous said...

great blog chealsea. thanks for stopping by mine! come back again! you are funnY! following you now! follow me!!!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nico- ah, so glad you agree- I think it defintyl does help.

midtow girl- we may be plaing there in October actually, I'll be in touch with you missy!

Sizzle- thank YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR COMING. You are FANTASTIC and awesome, I'm so excited we finally got to meet!!! and thanks for the support and buying CDS! Cheers friend! penis.

anhesty- well thanks for coming by! Glad we're now blog friends cheers!

Gabbi said...

uggghh Chelsea... I hate running into ex's. If planned it's ok, but out of the blue is hell. And even worst is with the new girl. I very much relate to the hyperventilating and running part, but your run-in sounds good and handled with amazing grace! Even more amazing though is you describing being on the road... though obviously difficult it sounds like exhilarating fun. You're my new hero!

Alice in Wonderland said...


Maggi said...

I still hate seeing exes. But hey, you get through it. Sounds like you're having a great time, way to go on going for that dream!

Lauren said...

What an awesome post. You're a musician with good writing skills two? What a good combo! Thanks for checking out my blog :)

Sassy Chica said...

Wow, what a fabulous post...very well written; I was in the moment with you! I love how you quote" Some of us buckle under the pressure of MAKING THINGS HAPPEN, others thrive under it. I can honestly say stress sucks; however that is when I thrive and push forward! I was once told by a mentor, that I was like a diamond...and how are diamonds made under pressure!

Sassy Chica

Molly said...

You poor thing! You are gonna make it, don't worry! Enjoy Seattle.

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Kellie Collis said...

I buckle and its everyone else's fault! Haha! x

Manju said...

despite all the stress, sounds like a fab time! girls with good hair always win huh, it's about time i got a haircut i think

Summer Athena said...

man...when are you in nyc. i would love to see you play too.

um, i dont deal well with anxiety. yuck. however, happy pills help me.


MJ said...

Good hair is the answer. Yet so unattainable...

I only work under pressure. Seriously. I react well to pressure and do my best things then - it's boredom I can't deal with. It's when nothing's going on that I buckle.

Arushi Khosla said...

Omg! I so want to see you play :D

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

You are fully living my dream and probably 3000 other girls dreams who are currently sitting in a 3x3 room at a computer wondering how life got so mind numbing! You have guts. Good for you.

PS check out the blog design! I'm so sparkly excited about it

Unknown said...

I'm like a pack mule. Through all my bitching and sometimes crying, I can actually carry a very heavy load. I always see it through to the end. The older I get I realize that everything's always going to be alright. Maybe not how I would like it to be, but alright!

Side Note: Girls with good hair are better at hiding their other problems (like insanity). Just something I've picked up over the years. Maybe they're hiding it under their hair. Who knows! It's always good to enter a situation a second time when you're in a better state of mind. Kind of like a Do-Over. :)

Rachael said...

I've found when I'm in a place of desperation, after retreating into a brief period of depression, I rise above it. I tune into my creative side. I kick myself in the butt and tell myself I can't live like this forever and that something good is waiting for me down the road if I just pursue it. It's hard. It's a crappy process. But if you rise above it you become a stronger person in the end. Right? About to enter a new phase of life as well, complete with new pressures. Hopefully I'll deal with it well. Thanks for the reminder that it's all in my hands.

Anonymous said...


Carol {Everyday Delights} said...

Thats so cool you are in Seattle! Hope you are enjoying it here!

Gaia said...

It depends on the situation... Usually I work better without pressure as I think everybody...Pressure could help but makes me feel anxious!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

rachaelgking said...

Rise up, get it done...

And then I fucking CRAAAAAAAAAAAASH.

Missed you. xoxo

Ida/FarEastLogbook said...

Great story despite the awkward/sadness (come to think about those stories usually are the best, aren't they?). You're a great writer.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and say hello.

Pretty Zesty said...

Oh my, where do I begin? This post was/is amazing! So many thoughts run through our heads like this, it's a wonder that anything gets done!!!

I've met ex's before. It should never happen. EVER! Even if it goes well... shouldn't have happened~ haha

Unknown said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, i go quiet as a mouse when i am stressed! Good luck with the Seattle gig! Have a sweet day! x

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mn said...

i always rise. been through enough to know i can handle a lot. hey, you were classy that's all that matters in meeting your ex.

mn said...

and who says you don't have good hair, seen it. and what is good hair anyway?
now that i'm older i miss what i had in my 20s

Chrisy said...

You write so well - funny yet poignant...hope you're working on a book!

Unknown said...

just going out there and having fun is the perfect and right decision to do :) soo good your having a blast. Stay true and have loads of fun!

Have a beautiful day x

hannahjustbreathe said...

You're out there doin' what you love. It's incredible. And wonderful. Even if you don't have internet and run into ex's and sleep in strange places.

Life is at its best when it's raw and messy and real. In my book, anyway.

Lisa-Marie said...

Ok, 1, you are a legend, 2, she didn't fucking win, you won, he is obviously and idiot, and you win by being rid of him! 3, I totally get the on tour no money thing, as the husband is a musicain. the most he has eer come home from tour with is £4. Tour pays for tour if it even does that.

I dealt with pressure by doing the best I can, and ignoring stuff i can't fix. And crying and eating chocolate!

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Gabby said...

Loved this post, lady.

I like to think I rise to the occasion, but to be honest, I fall apart more times then I care to admit. Ah life. Too fun for words.

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frenchie said...

LOVEd that post.i need to stop by more regularly.easy now that i have a comp at home.YAY.
how do i cope? i cry first, alone in my room. then i think..."you got no choice girl, so get up and f.....g get on with it!".
i smile. oh and i might, but just might, call one of my girl and get really drunk!xxx

Lacey said...

Im so bummed I missed you at Eastburn here in portland. I was totally planning on going, but then some shit got in the way. you know how shit is, no awareness for what is going on in myyyy life, its always about him! anyways please come back and play at doug fir! its such a rad venue. and I live downtown on the west side, there is a bunch of rad spots over here too! stay fresh!

Anonymous said...

Well, I've always handled stress and pressure extremely well, even when I needed a phsychiatrist!!!And, that is not the way to go! Because ,though I did gain the respect of humans way more educated than myself, I am ill, seriously, and I still never cave ,or even really admit it!I'm happy that you are not trying to prove ,to the world, that you are tough.But, are handling the bad stuff, like a normal human.

Madeleine said...

All these moments you are being tested will make you stronger. But you already know that, right? ;)

Under pressure..I work like a manian and rise up. Pressure is good!

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