Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Balls, meet New York City. NYC, meet Chelsea and her balls.


When I lived in New York City, I used to self medicate with melted cheese.

......and it didn't stop at cheese; it was mammoth sized black and white cookies, spicy chorizo, anything drenched in butter, thick slices of bacon and maple syrup-Marsala sauce, 24 hr doughnuts and Hollandaise. Truffled toast, lavender creme brulee, copious amounts of sweet Sangria and fried mushrooms.

New York City gave me anonymity. Anonymity to be BOLD, or brash, snarky or FAT. Fearless, or completely inadequate and green. Whatever the fuck I wanted, New York let me be it. If it mean eating myself into oblivion while crying over ex-musician, staring at his phone number in my cell, waiting for the courage to press send and beg, one. last. time. to come back to me- then, I was allowed to wallow. I was allowed to be pathetic and then wake up the next morning without having to justify my pitiful actions, or convince someone that I didn't need meds. Or a fucking slap in the face and some big girl panties.

If I wanted to be mediocre I could. I could lose myself in a sea of people and surrender into my plain, uninspired self- or I could call up an editor, completely unqualified and brazenly ask for a job, while sitting in my apartment wearing sequined leggings, eating a pb&j, watching The History Channel with my 6inch platforms kicked up on the couch- looking unnecessarily Club Kid fierce.

When you're home- where you're accountable, and watched- where people are asking questions and making judgements, it's a lot harder to keep that sense of invisibility where you can FEEL IT ALL, do it all- in some cases, EAT it all.

Because I was allowed to explore anonymity, unabashedly......

New York gave me balls.

Balls to argue, to fight when I didn't agree, to own my words, to get lost, or soft. Balls to admit that I knew nothing, but was as ferocious as a piranha and ready to learn- fast. Balls to tell myself that I was WORTH being adored and to turn down a date with a super.famous.musician. (all for the sake of my own vagina not wanting herpes and deciding being number #267 on his list of chicks didn't validate my WORTH) and to say:

"No one else cares what you're doing- so why not do EVERYTHING YOU WANT and do it FULL. OUT." I wavered between extremes and that was OK, because I started to figure shit out. Or at least started to figure out what doesn't work for me.

I ordered glasses of champagne by myself, I talked with strangers at bars and sometimes even joined them for dessert and an awkward full-bellied walk to our respective subway stops.

If we want something, we need enough BALLS to try and get it.....we need enough balls to ASK, to fall and to laugh at ourselves we do try and end up ass-up with a crowd full of people pointing and laughing at your hysterical failure. And to operate from a inconspicuous place of "Well, FUCK IT."

Next week, my balls and I are returning to New York for a little week long vacation and ohhhh do we have so much catching up to do.....


DO YOU HAVE BALLS??? And how did you get them.....?




102 comments:

Amy said...

Oh, how fun! back to NYC! Maybe we can have a mini-blogger coffee meetup?
-Amy

Michelle said...

I basically adore you and everything you write, xo.

Suburban Princess said...

Love it! I got mine in the city too! At a high stress job that changed me forever!

Have a great trip!

TKTC said...

A complete blast. Highly recommending a how-do-you-do with Kat at Hotel Delmano in Brooklyn. Watch out for the "Ladies Lunch."

Herding Cats said...

Teaching gave me balls. When you are dealing with teenagers, you HAVE to have them!

Doniree said...

The timing of this post is so perfect it makes me want to cry. Or giggle. Or both.

Save some room for cheese and champagne and dessert with YOURS TRULY when my balls come to Denver.

Actually, I don't think I've got 'em yet. Maybe they're there. ;)

hellotaylor said...

I've never been the ballsy type and I don't think I ever will be...

I don't like it, but I've accepted it about myself.

Loveyourblog, by the way. Super curious about the musician. xoxo

Ashley said...

No, I don't have balls at all. And I've been feeling very stifled by this place where everyone knows me. I'd like to experience the anonymity of a bigger city, but I'd like to learn to be more bold right where I'm at or in any situation.

Quixsa said...

Love your blog.
...I need balls (lol) but adore yours.

J-Diggety said...

Oh, I've got some cajones, all right. I think they dropped with age. I mean, I've always wanted to dance, but it took some maturity and knowing who I was to finally say "fuck it, I'm doin' this!" Not to say the cajones don't shrink up from time to time, for fear that I'm out of my mind... but then we just have a come to Jesus talk and all is right in the world again...

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

and you wouldn't change any of your NY time would you? that's what's awesome about it, it was a growth time for you that got you to where you are now!

loves.

Vanessa said...

Dealing with my rather evil landlords this summer gave me balls. I learn just how great it feels to stand up myself. But more than anything else, I learned that balls come when you have deeply entrenched convictions - and I believe that there is nothing greater than stumbling upon this.

MJ said...

I know exactly what you mean, actually! As soon as I went away to uni, that anonymity and that 'fresh start' made me into a whole different person - I guess, the kind of person I was inside the whole time. And I'm happier than I ever was.

I love your prose, it's awesome!

http://dreamingspiresandoldcartyres.blogspot.com

Nahl said...

I don't have balls and no kind of anonymity helps me get them! I LOVE EVERYTHING YOU WRITE!

DesBisoux said...

man...! you sure talk the talk!!
i got my balls when the ex started messing up with me big time while i was at my very lowest (lost mom).
i picked myself up, told him to grow a pair himself.he broke up.
i quite the job and moved to London.
it was still shit for few months but i'm proud!

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Alice in Wonderland said...

Chelsea, I just love your blog! I have balls, but just when it comes down to writing things! When it comes to actually talking face to face, I just usually agree, then I beat myself up saying "I should have said this or that"! I'm totally in awe of people who have no inhibitions and just do what they want and not what is expected of them!
I totally admire your balls!

Dash said...

I definitely got mine when i lived alone in australia for 2 whole years. It wasnt the city. I just had to learn to stand up for myself or get trampled on.

Matt said...

Living on the Northside of Denver gave me balls.

Miss Angie said...

I LOVE every blog you write. I have balls, but I think I need to work on putting them into action more. I'm brazen and rash, except for those moments when a little fear slips in and holds me back!

Now I want to go to NYC.

Little Miss Obsessive said...

I'm still trying to grow a set... lol. But seiously, I really am working on caring less about what OTHER PEOPLE think and going after what I want. Great, motivational post!!

briannelee said...

I love NYC!!!! Have a fun trip.

I usually have "balls" when I am standing up for myself. I pick and choose my battles, but I refuse to let people push me around.

angryredhead said...

Man. I had absolutely zero interest in NYC (I'm not a city girl) up until about a week ago, when I dreamt about the city and have been fascinated with it ever since. And now I hear about it CONSTANTLY, including from a coworker this morning who said he's going there on vacation, to another blog entry about it in my RSS Feed this morning. What I'm thinking is...all signs point to NYC vacation!

P.S. You're awesome.

And no, I don't have balls, but they're growing in...slowly.

Taylor-made Wife said...

I got my balls after college from being in the Air Force off on my own for a few years. Unfortunately since I have gotten back to my comfortable home life, my balls are slowly rescinding. I still have my moments, but this post makes me want to find that "something" here that can help my cojones come back out. If I find it, I'll definitely post about it and let you know! I love your blog!!

Amy said...

you know, i lived in nyc for about a year and learned SO MUCH about myself and what is important to me... so much so that i moved back to texas. :)

i did love it though- it's a city unlike anywhere else in the world. have a great trip!

Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

very good blog, congratulations
regard from Reus Catalonia
thank you

Melissa said...

How fun! I have always wanted to go to NYC!
As far as balls go, mine grew yesterday! I have been working for an idiot. This guy seriously makes no since and sent me home to "punish" my boss and was going to possibly fire me. I *67 my number and called him. I told him I quit because he's 'a fucking idiot' and hung up. This is something I have always wanted to to! I now feel as though I can conquer the world!

Leslie said...

Truly inspiring.

I am still searching to find my balls. I had them at one point. I had a giant pair of balls! And now they are gone. I seriously miss them. BALLS again!

Thanks for the great read!

Wine and Words said...

Still waiting to grow a pair. *sigh*

Busy Bee Lauren said...

This post made me wish I lived in NY so I could grow a pair...srsly.

repliderium.com said...

Kick ass post. I love it.
Yes. I have balls. Mine grew out of necessity. Two older brothers with anger issues = grade 7 record for 37 black eyes in one school year. And bb gun holes, and the permanent road rash scar from the time I was duct taped to the skateboard.
I learned how to throw a wicked punch and then VOILA! My ball appeared.

Passion Fruit said...

I think I have to thank my Ego for my balls. If it wasn't for the Ego I would be a total sissy. Actually I am every now and then, too, but it's more of an inner strugle than visible from the outside. It probably started in kindergarten where I just couldn't climb any less trees than the boys nor dress my Barbies less pretty than the other girls.

Having balls isn't always a good thing, 'tho. Being too courageous might get one in trouble!

missy. said...

you lady are INSPIRING. i loved this. and you are so honest with your writing it is absolutely refreshing. thank you. thank you. and thank you again. enjoy nyc for the both of us. much love darling.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Wow. If NYC gave you balls like that, I might need to consider relocation...

cinderella said...

Wow. That was the most inspirational ass-kicking I ever got in my life. :) Granted, I know it wasn't addressed to "me" specifically, but I really needed to be reminded to get my balls out of the suitcase that came home with me when I left the US.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Seriously, you rock and absolutely adore your blog more and more each day :) You are just amazing.

Have a great vacation!!!

Phoenix said...

NYC kicks some serious ass. Growing balls in LA takes time and everyone's schmoozy and it's relationship-based and an actually really tiny town so you can't take as many risks because you just know you're gonna see that person again one day, maybe the day you fall flat on your face.

I guess the point is, I gotta figure out how to grow balls in LA.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Great post. Now I'm dying to get out to NYC. Every friend I have who lives there always has such adventures...

Anne. said...

I love this so much. It makes me really want to move out to New York City and develop some cojones of my own. To not be stepped on and to actually stand up for myself? Yeahhhh.

You Are My Fave said...

No, I'm a wimp. But when I lived in NY I a little more tough and a little fatter. Take out food is just too easy to come by.

Kenna Christensen said...

I AM OBSESSED WITH YOUR BLOG! haha it's absolutely wonderful. i love it i love it i love it!

Elle said...

I feel the same way when I'm in the city. I live right outside in the Jersey suburbs, but when I'm in the concrete jungle, I feel slightly different. More daring and bold, as you described it. Perhaps it's because no one really knows me. Or maybe it just screams confidence. Either way, it's a fantastic feeling. I hope we're not the only ones to experience it!

christa elyce said...

YOU are too cool! gosh...i got the balls after i left my husband...who had been cheating on me multiple times. it was the help of friends that opened my eyes to an abusive relationship and i soon found my worth...and that i could do ANYTHING without him.

my blog is my exploration of the things i can do...and the things i endure.
www.jemappelles-christa.com

just me said...

I'm so jealous you're going back. Tell the East Village I said hi.

PS: You weren't fat in NYC. I saw you.

Jenn @ My Kind of Strange said...

First time I'm commenting on your blog - but I've been reading it a while. Thoroughly entertaining...you've got some writing talent girl!


Answer to your blog question: Nope. no Balls. I have this sort-of creative, back handed, non-invasive way of pushing people toward what I want. If you ever need a slew of cats to be herded...I'm your gal. :|

Jealous of your balls.

walkingonsunshine18 said...

I have balls. I moved from little ol' Nova Scotia to Toronto all by myself and didn't know a soul, but it was such a great experience and I'm so glad I did it!

Susan said...

I just have to say, your posts suck me in and give me the kind of inspiration that reminds me that more often than not, I don't have balls. I can say, I have drive and work ethic, but balls? Not when I need them.

Hope you have a great time back in NY!

Clarity said...

Wait up... since when did the vernacular of guts involve men's gen... you know what?

I can't say it, sorry, probably because I haven't seen.. anyway.

P.S. I've got plenty of guts, but it took time rather than a city. Your food journey sounds delicious.

Ellie said...

I have smartballs. Seriously. They're fantastic.

Tricia said...

Chelsea, you know i love your blog, so please next post! :)

ps > stms i don't have balls in some situations like when im forced to squeeze into a three seater with four people yet Ive paid full amount! but I'm getting them gradually

iheartkiwi said...

awesome. i think i need a trip to NYC stat. i am now thinking of ordering a glass of champagne with lunch. if that's not inspiration i don't know what is.

Inspiration in Italy said...

Love this post, fantastic thoughts! I love your blog

Feelmore said...

ooh! i think i left my balls there as well. well, one of them.

mn said...

i have golf balls, tennis balls, basketballs...bouncy balls...inflatable balls, you get the picture, but no real balls, i don't think.
not only cuz i'm a girl but bc i am a total chicken mostly.
i can stand up for myself when someone's giving me crappy customer service and i can use a little anger mgmt., but i'm not a risk taker or someone who can make random calls and totally BS my way through things. I need to be more of that. more confident.

Gingeyginge said...

Thank you for your comment, on my blog it was extremly nice of you to stop by...I much more prefer persuasive charm, my eyelashes are made of steel!!!

Meghan said...

I adore you more with every post. And cheese is the best antidepressant some days. Dealing with a breakup by jumping on a plane to a foreign country gave me balls.

Cass said...

Oh man, I'd love to head back to NYC - my last trip was far too long ago.

As for balls, I'm still working on maintaining that brazen attitude. Unfortunately it comes & goes.

Also, I've given you an award over at my blog.

Rolerkite said...

i needed this. I've been feeling like a shit storm lately. Trying to figure out what makes me happy in life and blahblahblah.
I need to grow up and touch some balls.. No, get some balls. Whatever. I'll do both.

Jess said...

I feel I really must get my ass to New York. I feel like I've been everywhere else, but as my own melted-cheese OD earlier today illustrates, it seems Seattle is not the town in which one is likely to grow a pair. Thank you, as always, for the inspiration!

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JennyMac said...

You are sassy...and I love it. Have the best time in NYC. One of my favorite cities..and only for people with balls.

Ash Fox said...

awesome post. yeah, you definitely need balls to live in nyc. are you coming for business or pleasure? hope you have a great trip.

x

www.tittees.blogspot.com

Carolyn said...

chelsea... you rock.

Leila said...

Great Post!
Yes I have balls, but I grew into them. When I was young I was a very shy and scared person. Life happened and I went through some crazy times that left me alone with myself. Now I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm proud to say I am a very confident person with great big balls. Because, like you said... Fuck it. In the end all I have are my hilarious memories and my outrageous opinions. Even if I'm wrong I stick to my guns. You gotta stand up for yourself or you will be stepped on. Its a form of Natural Selection I guess. :)

Grace said...

I want that feeling. Maybe its time to head to NY.

Love Grace.

NatalieCottrell said...

Nail. on. the. head. You have totally captured the awesomeness of NYC and why it's such a great place to be single and totally adrift. (The answer: because you can.) Love this blog. Have a great time in NYC and live it up, girl! Make some bad decisions. :)

PinkBow said...

i would LOVE to live in nyc!!

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Love this post. I'm still a little lacking in balls, but I'm working on it.

Meeks said...

Italy gave me balls - I've missed them so lately. But look forward to finding them again on my next solo adventure.

Kara Witham said...

I got my balls after calling out my father who f'd me in ways figuratively and literally.

Kara Witham said...

btw, yes, it's nice to be anonymous, and then when you do do something good then people are so surprised.

Connie said...

I grew my pair in DC... somewhere around the time a bum decided to take a swing at me when I offered her 50cents. (she missed btw). lol

Have a fun trip! I love the city (any city anywhere, really.. but especially nyc)

Marissa said...

When I was 12 my dad explained "women with balls" love it!!!

She said...

I don't have any balls, and this is the root to a lot the problems in my life. I seriously need to grow a pair.

hiphophippie.com said...

I freaking love this. Anonymity is such a powerful cloak. I found mine in SF then LA. LA definitely gave me balls. And for the first year I was here, that wonderful sense of not being accountable to anyone just let me BE, which was a glorious thing.

OhMyHeart said...

Gahh I gained like 10 lbs. when I lived in NYC for three months. Everything is sooo delish! It felt so good to be bold enough to do stuff on my own, too, though :) Have fun!

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Stacy Dean said...

hey! I just wanted to say hello and thanks for visiting my blog a little while ago :)

Ellie said...

Can I have some more balls now?

LiLu said...

I can't believe I missed you by ONE WEEKEND!!!!!!

Argh.

Sadako said...

MMmm, melted cheese. I medicate with it too!

Kristin Quinn said...

Just like you, I earned my fair share of balls when I moved to NYC a year and a half ago.

Hope you are having an amazing trip!

Jaime said...

So, I love you and I love this. I never fail to laugh at your posts, and the fact that you're so honest makes everything so much better! Yay for NYC !! I live 20 minutes away and don't go there as often as I should lol. Enjoy it. Oh, and props for not wanting herpes. That's always a good goal in life :)

laurennicolelove.com said...

ahahahah thoroughly enjoyed this.

i actually had a break-thru/breakdown last night and ranted at my best friend (and then my windshield when she escaped from my car) that i'd lost mine because i'd moved back "home" (if i have one) and been here too long, and no longer had whatever it was that i had when i lived in phoenix and charlotte by myself, for the hell of it. so, on a mission to get that back.

- lauren xoxo

missy. said...

girly i tagged you!

fgrngtllt said...

nyc is my dream! right now the uk has stripped me of my balls. uk was always my pitstop b4 nyc and this post has jst encouraged me even more to make it happen!

i don't always comment on your posts but i LOVE your blog. when i started blogging you were one of the first people i started following. thank you for being awesome and inspiring me with every post!

Thunderroad79 said...

I'm basically still trying to find mine. But I have learned that no one really cares what you do or how you look - they're so consumed with themselves - so if you want to be a 30 year old wearing pig tail braids - go right ahead - no one gives a shit - so why should you...but I'll admit I have a ways to go...

Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

very good blog, congratulations
regard from Reus Catalonia
thank you

Alice said...

my balls were a slow growth ;-) just the slow process of deciding to stop being such a pushover, maturing, and finally deciding i was old enough to stop taking other people's shit. and voila! full grown balls, one day. i like my balls.

Joy @ BigTimeFancy said...

MAN. I have never even been to NYC. Lame lame lame.

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Probably THE best ode to NYC I have ever read.

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Kristin said...

Pushing the kid out gave me balls! Hope you're having a blast in NYC.

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Lindsey said...

I'm a native NYer, I think I might have been born with balls. If not, my parents handed theirs down to me at a very young age. Being born a girl and being my dad's "only son" definitely helped.

Anonymous said...

Yep I have very large/scarey balls, my dear. I was a lot like you in my youth.I looked great, but didn't have the self esteem that you have. So, you are one step ahead of me, already.I married one un-appreciative man after another, because I wanted to be married!! Damn it!! Plus I had added 2 then three kids, whose empty hearts left not only me, but their own blood!!!.Now, for sure no one in their right mind would have me.And, I hate to say it, because I didn't know it then.But, I was darn near perfect, for God's sake!!!! I finally got some balls, and went to work in a bar, to take care of my family ..AGAIN..and in my fourties met the nicest man in the world, except for, maybe my own Father.And, I didn't trust him until we were together for 18 yrs.Then I married the right man!!!
I left out of alot of the reasons for my balls getting so darn big.But, I think it was a good thing! Because God only gives us what we can handle, and what makes us better!!!! I got Breast Cancer, and it was in my lymph nodes. Damn!!!! If I hadn't had the guy that I didn't trust for 18 yrs.,I would have had to face it alone.Not really alone, but at night, and when I was puking and couldn't lie down, because I couldn't even breath.Then the balls got humongous, because my Cardiomyopathy and my Cancer and I don't know...my bad lungs caused a heart attack, several small ones, actually.I got a stent.But about 10-12 surgeries in 4 yrs.has definitely given me the courage to keep fighting for my life. So, I pray for you, every night, because you have a huge life coming ,and it is speeding up and you will be the balsy girl that you will need to be.Because It is going to be huge and awesome!!!! And, I will be there, still crying in your glory,with pride!!!! It is keeping me alive, along with some other fabulous reasons to live!!!!!You go girl!!!!

Court said...

I'm hoping to introduce my balls to New York in the coming months! I cannot wait! And I know NYC would love them ;)

craftygal86 said...

I <3 your blog & I'm extremely curious about who the *super famous musician* is!

Laurnie said...

I know this is an "older" post but I came across your blog from another, and have just been spending my morning (should be working) catching up on your archives. I loved this one. Well, so far Ive loved them all. But this one is a fave, because it describes my feeling of NY, too. I absolutely love that place, and cant explain to people the feeling it gives me.

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