Monday, October 12, 2009

R.E.S.P.E.C.T....it isn't just an Aretha song.


"Do you respect me?"

....when someone asks you something in the pitch black of night, when you're half asleep, you know it's even more important. Whatever that "something" was on their brains was plaguing their thoughts and wasn't going to let them sleep and dream of sugar plum fairies, or trapeze swinging in Cirque Du Soleil, or sex with Megan Fox. This "something" was the itch and was going to be scratched. My Love's something was "respect."

..."Yes, I respect you."

"WHY?....."

And here's the problem kids......

"I shouldn't have to tell you why....you should know why. And if you don't know why I should respect you, then that problem has nothing to do with US, that has to do with you."

Sometimes we need someone else to tell us WHY we're lovable. Or worth it. When need someone to remind us that we're the most magnificent part of their lives because we're "what completes them." but.... when you can't answer those things, somewhere, hidden in the back of your little heart- no matter what that beaming person in front of you says, won't matter.

We're a mess. We're a mess because we love each other, but love doesn't solve problems. Love doesn't make a to-do list and give you a sharpened pencil to cross everything off. Love doesn't make sure that you're going to be able to pay rent on time, or buy me a birthday present. Love doesn't help you get a new pair of shoes when it's the dead of winter and you only have flip flops. Love doesn't bring home the bacon- working your ass off, getting calluses and earning the right to yawn because you've been balls to the wall for 14 hours, brings home the bacon. Respect is given when you believe you deserve it, you can only "fake deserve" for so long...

Love doesn't give you self worth, if the love isn't coming from YOURSELF.

Love doesn't have words, or actions, or kisses hard enough to make someone feel that you RESPECT THEM. In all their brilliance, discombobulation, and good intentions- love isn't going to make them feel something if they refuse to discover it on their own.

I could say "I love you" a million times, but that isn't going to feed you at night. I could focus all of my energy as intensely as physically possible on loving you, but that doesn't mean you're going to look at yourself in the mirror and think ANY differently about yourself.

I could say, "good job." or "You're on the right track" or "it's all going to work out...." but it's all only going to be true if we meet in the middle. Somewhere HALF WAY. Even if it's just our finger tips touching, that's close enough. Meeting in the middle is more than a paycheck; it's a drive, an effort, a look in your eye that says you aren't going to let me walk out.

LOVE doesn't tell you that you're beautiful, magnificent, genius- CAPABLE and strong, if you don't REALLY believe it on your own, without me.

I'll look into those perfectly blue eyes and say it....600 more times. 6,000 more times. Until my throat is hoarse and the words lose their meaning, they just become sounds. Because I do. I love you and I respect you......now it's your turn.



CAN SOMEONE LOVE YOU, if you don't love you......?











76 comments:

Girl Meets Gun said...

Well, everyone can be loveable in their own way. But if you don't love the person you are, then no one else can, either. You have to complete yourself before anyone else can add to that.

It's the same with respect- how can anyone expect people to respect them when they don't even respect themselves? It's a confusing subject but very legit.

Miss Angie said...

You are incredibly accurate here. Sometimes I need to learn to just tell people that they should be able to know it for theirselves too.

I do believe someone can love you if you don't love you, but I don't know that you can fully love someone else if you don't love you first. That's the complicated part. I can love my friend until I'm blue in the face, but he has to love himself to accept it. If he doesn't love himself, then he can' return my love fully either.

So yes, I think someone can love you, but the real question is whether or not you can accept that love.

missy. said...

well written chels. i love this and totally agree. coming from a girl who used to not love herself and was extremely insecure you can't let someone else love you because you don't believe you are good enough to be loved. having learned from my last relationship things are definitely this..

"I could say "I love you" a million times, but that isn't going to feed you at night. I could focus all of my energy as intensely as physically possible on loving you, but that doesn't mean you're going to look at yourself in the mirror and think ANY differently about yourself."

AMEN to that.

missy. said...

and when i say definitely this i mean definitely different now.. haha whoops!!

Ellie said...

nope.

Manju said...

for there to be love, there HAS to be respect. that's how i think.

Madeleine said...

Loved this post! What you wrote was so true. What good is it to say you love someone, even show them and not just leave it to words, if a person can't see it and feel it for himself--and foremost, love himself, so you can love him, too.
Loving someone is grand, but it can only take it to a certain limit. But if the person you love also loves himself, it's the formula for a long road. :)

Wine and Words said...

Someone can love me, if I don't love me...but I won't trust it, accept it, or reside in that love. It will a hand that I do not hold.

Piper Jacquelyn said...

So well written! And true. I know I've dealt with situations where someone didn't love/respect themself, so the relationship in question was certainly that, in question!

Thanks for checking out my blog & I look forward to reading more of yours as well!

just me said...

For a little while.

But then time goes on and being with someone who can't enjoy themselves starts to feel like pulling a tractor full a bricks.

angryredhead said...

Totally agree with everything you said. This can also be applied to girls who feel the need to have boyfriends ALL THE TIME.

bananas. said...

my answer: NO.

you have to truly love yourself first before you can allow someone else to love you wholey and completely. sounds harsh but true.

My Wooden Heart said...

I Love Love Love this post.
I think everyone can somehow be loved but it can be really difficult to love someone else if you don't love yourself first.

sandyb said...

awesome post girl.
if i may say so... love it.

KatieJ said...

I do not believe that anyone can love you if you don't love yourself first. I think when you do not love yourself, you will question any one else if they love you. Because, maybe, you do not feel worthy. The people I know (both men and women) are always searching for acceptance in another person. You have to accept yourself first or you can be lead anywhere.

Stephanie said...

The short answer... no.
Easier said than done though.
Sometimes I think that I would be so much happier if I had someone in my life. I get lonely and sad. But the truth is, I know I have to really be happy without someone to truly be happy with them.
Life is tough sometimes...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

just me- seriously......very good way to put it.


piper- thanks so much for coming by, loved your blog!

katiej- definitly you quesiton it.....

girl meets gun- everyone is loveable in their own way...very true.

miss angie-acceptance...ah yea.....that....

missy-i know that girl, she was me too....and still is sometimes

manju- definitly

madeliene- very well put...the long road

wine and words-IVE DONE THAT BEFORE

angryredhead- TOTALLLLLY

bananas- not harsh at all,just very true

my wooden heart- THANK YOU :)

sandyb- thank you very much, cheers!

stephanie- i think when someone knows that it's so much esier to get to that next phase....

Ali said...

My issue can be described verbatim, but it's not respect I have a problem with. It's confidence. Which is mortifying to even type, let alone say out loud. But it's so true in my case. Working on it every day.

And the answer, in my opinion, is no. You must love yourself, respect yourself first. No doubt.

sinnlighet said...

So glad I stumbled on your lovely lovely blog today, it's always nice to find other blogger out and about on the net!

I must tell you that I like like like your nice blog!

Agneta & Sweden

the real mia said...

Oh boy. This really hits home right now. I absolutely agree with you and you have put into very eloquent words something that I have been trying to communicate to some one for a long time.

By the way, thanks so much for your comments on my blog.

Hilary said...

yes, i believe someone can love you without you loving yourself. I think that's part of the reason why you fall in love with someone, because of their flaws. But self-confidence is a big part of why someone would stay in love with that person after falling in love with their flaws.

Chessa! said...

I don't think it's possible. I think we are all flawed and have insecurities but if you don't really love yourself and respect yourself enough to see them and embrace them, no one else will.

amy kelinda said...

Sometimes people need a reminder of how much they are loved, and all the reasons why they are loved, so that they may remember for themselves. And I think Miss Angie says it perfectly in that it is perfectly possible for someone else to love another who does not love him/herself, but that person may not be able to accept that love because they do not understand why it is being given.

Love, self-esteem, and respect are tangled in the most confounding way inside every person. And each person is in turn tangled in the love, self-esteem, and respect of a billion others.

Nicole Leigh said...

I really love the way you write.
And yes you must love yourself before you can truly love someone else and let them love you.

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Nahl said...

I thought you were speaking to me directly here.
I guess others can love you even if you don't love yourself...but it's you who has to realize that someone else loving you means nothing unless you love yourself...his words or actions just won't do it for you if you keep thinking,"I'm not worth it." I speak from my situation.

Gema said...

thanks a lot chelsea!!

XX from barcelona :)

Elizabeth Marie said...

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. And I keep learning it, but its so worth it.

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laurennicolelove.com said...

i needed to read this incredibly badly. thank you. i have a handful of people in my life that have come to me asking this question, and i've never been able to honestly answer it...and i couldn't pinpoint why. and now i know. thank you, again.

- lauren xoxo

laurennicolelove.blogspot.com

Melissa Blake said...

Perfect post, and so true. Loving has to start with loving yourself. If you don't have that foundation, really, no other love from anyone will stand a chance.

Nicole said...

Wow, well written. I agree with Manju: love and respect have to go together. And that's respect both for each other as well as yourself.

Doniree said...

This is beautiful! And you're absolutely right - you have to meet halfway. Love it.

Delaney Gates said...

Oh my GAWD, this is my first visit to your blog and I'm a forever reader from now on. You MAKE a difference with these posts, you know that? I don't know you from Adam, but DO know that it was *meant* for me to wander across your blog today and read those words. I *needed* them. So, thank you.

FabBlab said...

You are totally right. What a fantastic, insightful post :)

Bree said...

very true!

Sara Rae said...

I think loving yourself comes from knowing who you are, or what you want to be known for. If you don't love yourself for who you are, then the picture of yourself you are portraying to people might be inaccurate. Somebody can still love you, but it just might not be for the reasons you want.

Cindy said...

I think you have to know yourself to love yourself. People who don't love who they are, are lost and don't really know who they are. If you don't know who you are and accept yourself (flaws and all) you really can't open yourself up to a relationship to be loved completely. My simple answer is NO. Very well written.

Kellie said...

I totally agree with this! It's hard and damn near impossible to respect someone if they don't respect themselves and love themselves. And relationships are a lot of work b/c it's such a 2 way street but a lot of people don't remember that and don't work on it. Great post!

Mireya said...

Great post!! Def have to love yourself first before others truly can!

Erin said...

Very good post.

I don't think that you can love someone if you don't love yourself first. If a person doesn't love themselves then they aren't going to be able to accept anyone else's love. It will be shallow and never enough for them because they aren't at peace with themselves. I learned this the hard way.

Sara said...

you always put it so perfectly! ALWAYS!

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

That was a wonderful post. I sometimes have to deal with insecurities in myself. Not always but it is there. And every time I turn to my husband to tell me he loves me, respects me yadda yadda. And it does not help. He can tell it does not help. You are spot on. In those times I need to get right with myself, not expect him to fix something with words that is tormenting me. Thank you for the reminder.

Phoenix said...

and yet another dead on accurate post from Chelsea! Self-love and self-respect has to come first. HAS to.

No exceptions. Period.

Brilliant, girl.

B said...

I love your words.


Yes, you have to love yourself. Everyone does to get what they think they deserve.

B

Anne. said...

"Love doesn't give you self worth, if the love isn't coming from YOURSELF."

Amen to that, sista! Thank you so much for your oh-so kind words on my blog, by the way. It's greatly appreciated. :]

•¦Amy¦• said...

you always make such wonderful posts. :)

Martha said...

Short answer to loving someone who doesn't love themselves, you can try, but it's usually unsuccessful.
Thanks for stopping by my blog, I like your smack Talk!

Robyn said...

That's so true. If you can't tell yourself that you're a person worthy of being respected and loved, you can't expect others to respond well back to you.

Jules said...

Nope! YOU have to love YOU first. That feels the best anyway!!

Ashley said...

Beautiful post with a great message.

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roysie said...

Good advice. So many people get this wrong. Relationship are all about respect, but your worth can't come from someone else. All you can do is be there for each other as you work out insecurities.

Maria Confer said...

A very thought provoking post!! Self love is the first love we should all have.

lululetty.blogspot.com

Grace said...

I've been trying to explain this to a friend! I'm printing this post out and giving it to her.

Love Grace.

Perfectly Pleasant said...

Someone can love you if you don't love yourself but you can't accept that love because deep down you don't think you deserve it.

And the Wii Fit -- too fun but did the boxing for 18 minutes yesterday and I am in so much pain!
Thanks for stopping by!

ash said...

wow, i love this post.
it is very well-written and actually eye opening. I have been feeling really bad about myself lately and this is very uplifting in a weird way, ha.

thanks for visiting my blog, look forward to reading yours, as well.

xo ash

Claire said...

Preach it girl!

Kristin Quinn said...

This is great Chelsea!! I look forward to reading reading your blog...

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hannahjustbreathe said...

I think it is possible to love someone if you don't love yourself and vice versa. Hell, people like this fall in love all the damn time.

However... Is that love sustainable? Healthy? Deep-rooted or surface-level??

daisychain said...

this is an amazing post girl.

Danielle said...

I think that if you don't love or respect yourself, you end up ultimately becoming a different person in your relationship. You become what you believe to be your partners "ideal" rather than embrace who your really are. Therefore the love that a partner may feel is false. They love the mask that you have attached to yourself, hiding what is really there. I know this is certainly a generalization, but I think it is true in many cases. I know this from both personal experience and the experience of many friends.

kirstyb said...

awesome post- loved reading it! xxxxxxxx

Dream Sequins said...

You preach truth, sister.

Pop Champagne said...

I think you'd know when someone respects or loves you. it should show in the action. If you feel the need to ask someone if they love or respect you then its clear that they don't. hence you need the confirmation. am I being too harsh? lol that's just how I feel about having to ask others those kinds of questions!

Emily said...

Great post! If you don't love yourself you can't expect anyone else to either. The same with respect.

And you're right, you should never have to explain WHY you respect someone.

lady lee said...

very true, inspiring and honest. way to write your heart out beautifully.

Jaime said...

Chelsea, this is amazing! It's so true. How can you give your all into a relationship when you can't give your all to yourself? Well-written :) I love it!

Lisa-Marie said...

It is very impotant to respect, and for the most part love yourself.

However, someone else can love you, een when you don't, and sometimes, it what gets you back to thinking you are ok again.

My husband and I got together about three weeks before I had some serious issues with msylef and my whole life. It was messy and he stuck with me, because he saw the me that was hiding when I couldn't.

Niki B. said...

wow, very insightful. i think someone can love you, but you need to love yourself or else your own insecurities will hinder your ability to love other people... if that makes sense. haha.
xo

http://ahautemess.blogspot.com

...Seyma... said...

this is one of the best writings i've ever read!!! soooo true..

no words can change what you just said..

justjp said...

I have fully accepted that I am unlovable.

Micaela said...

oh this is the best thing i've read in awhile. It's the absolute truth.

Abra said...

Love this post. I need to tell my boyfriend about it, haha. Hopefully he takes your advice!

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Yep, spot on here. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help someone with no love for themselves. Think we've all been there. I may have even been on both sides of this one. Anyway, glad I stumbled across this blog. Check out my dating disasters: plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

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