I don't recoil easily. I've made people cry, then looked at them stone-faced. I've perfected the "eye roll" and the "I'm going to make you feel like a total dumb fuck if you cross me" look. I'm fiercely loyal, have the memory of a fucking tyrant and generally, "I'm always right." I've hurt people that I love by being too proud and mericless. I'm compassionate, but more often than not, the compassion is going to those/that which is less close to me and those that remain the closest endure my misdirected judgement and cavalier attitude.
.....I'm terrible at saying "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong." SO: Right, I'm not getting a fucking gold star on this assignment.
If there's one thing that's benefited me and harmed me equally- it's been my ruthless ability to make snap judgements and have an opinion before knowing the facts, or considering the back story. My ideology is admirable and contemptible at the same time. It makes me both gutsy and ignorant. Sometimes, when I just need to "put down my dukes," I can't swallow it. I fight harder and often, I lose. When it isn't a game, you risk losing more than just your pride. And in turn, realize how trivial having "too much" pride really is....
My best friend's boyfriend is serving as a Marine in Afghanistan.........
and I've never really liked him.
In my mind, "he wasn't good enough." He wasn't smart enough, or clever enough. He wasn't KIND enough, even though he was kind to her. To me, he wasn't HER COUNTERPART- she, being a beautiful, incredibly intelligent, talented, generous, KIND, fierce woman....he didn't match up. He didn't share her values, or belief system. HE'S A REPUBLICAN. And wanted guns in their home. And had meathead friends. He wasn't MY vision for a man for her....but he wasn't MINE to have a judgement about in the first place.
My pride over protecting her has, at times, almost cost us our friendship.
The other night at 2am- she called me; One of his closest friends was hit by a roadside bomb. He didn't make it. Another, lost his legs. The rest....all wounded. MY HEART instantly started aching.....if something were to happen to him; I could never forgive myself for not trying to MAKE IT RIGHT.
Him and I aren't the same. We'll never share coffee and wax poetic over life. We likely won't vote for them same presidential candidate or fucking American Idol contestant. We likely wont want to drink at the same bars, or share the same Facebook friends. He'll think I'm a weird liberal hippie freak who talks about "energy" too often, and I'll think he's not sensitive enough.
We won't be sharing a broken hearted BFF necklace, but there's one thing we will be sharing; The bottomless LOVE, respect and adoration for the same person. My best friend- his Love.
He (and thousands of others) won't be home for Christmas. Or his birthday. He doesn't get to eat sweet potatoes with perfectly-crispy marshmallow. There won't be that "too-full-to-move" feeling on Thanksgiving, or the sound of silverware clinking on plates and oversize sweaters hugging and feeling the winter-kissed faces of loved ones as they come through the door. He doesn't get to untangle Christmas lights, fill the empty spots on the tree with childhood Popsicle stick ornaments, or watch the clay animation Rudolph, and like it. He won't get to shovel the driveway, turn on the fireplace, or watch the last leaves fall before everything is desolate and bare. He won't get the perfect eggnog buzz (don't tell me you're not excited for that.) He isn't going to Google where he should toast to his 24th year on Earth, or get to open presents and BE SELFISH for one. full. day. for his Birthday. His birthday will just be SURVIVING.
So, yea- we're different. We're different, but that doesn't mean that I can't try to do SOMETHING to show that- in all of our differences, I respect what he's doing. And he needs a fucking GREAT birthday present, since I can't buy him a shot of Patron and apologize- drunk style.
SO HERE'S THE DEAL:
I'm putting together a book of quotes, stories, pictures, etc. to send to him for his birthday- BUT, I WANT YOUR OLD BLOG POSTS.
Comment with a link, or an email of something you've written- it can be funny, lewd, inspirational, TMI, Happy Birthday, ANYTHING- It doesn't have to pertain to the war, if you're a fashion blogger- send me your favorite quote, or picture, anything. IT'S UP TO YOU.
I want to remind him that there's people out there- people at home, living, working, laughing, etc. that are a reminder to come back, ALIVE and continue on with his life.....a book of LIFE. To entertain, or simply take up some time in his day when he's wishing he were here, safe- behind a computer, wearing tattered sweats and eating a turkey sandwich.
It's never too late to MAKE IT RIGHT. To say sorry. To swallow your pride.
What's holding on to it really doing for you anyway.....? Let it go.
Is there anyone you need to "make it right" with?