Sunday, November 29, 2009

Dinner with my family is like visiting the mental ward.


It's a short drive to crazy with my family. You couldn't even find a detour if there was construction, it's that short. It's arms reach. Crazy just is with my family.

The holidays are obviously the perfect magnifying glass to shine a little more clarity on the madness. Let me sum up some of my family to paint a nice family Christmas card for ya:

Granny-Italian/recovered breast cancer/thyroid problems/diseases that don't even have names/multiple ex-husbands/longtime dancer and amazing bartender. She chipped a tooth once- her solution? Why, a Lee Press-On of course, a nice french manicured fake nail is a good substitute for tooth enamel! Uncle #1-Gay Buddhist. Uncle #2- Cop/biker. Uncle #3- Writer of screenplays/Works for the government his drunk name is "Salty."....can't talk about his job, literally, it's all underground and lie detectors and spies and shit. Aunt #1- dance teacher/Irish/fiery as fuck. She'll kick a bitch. Aunt #2- Formerly single mom, slightly out of control, turned put together Martha Stewart type. Nana- Former court secretary, turned traveler; African safaris, Europe, the Amazon River and so on. She pulls pans out of the oven with her bare hands. BARE. HANDS. Bampa- bless is heart, passed away a few years ago, Gay, the father of my mother. It was the 50's. Granddad-There's a laundry list here of issues. Grandpa Jerry-Best story teller, chain smoker and cherry pie giver known to man.

....then there's a sprinkling of serious Italian Soprano types, crazy cousins, lesbian aunts, Christians, Rebublicans, Canadians, Democrats, and ex-wives, who are boxers. In rings, not the pants.
They're ALL characters. Brilliant, VIBRANT, CERTIFIED, characters. Then of course, there's the biggest characters of all; my Mother and my Father, who joined together in a rage of hormones and unprotected sex and created another burst of spirited existence. i.e. slightly insane little person named me!

My Father and I got into a massive blowout the other night over a birthday party (I cried if I wanted to, don't you worry) a few glasses of champagne, a gigantic restaurant tab and some low blows. Thrown, initially, by him and rebuffed by my quick tongue and shrill screaming. This was the kind of fight I thought we wouldn't recover from..... my Dad, is easily one of my best friends, I admire and look up to him....and I didn't want to look him in the eye ever again.

....after nearly 48 hours a part, some frantic/cry/scream calls to friends to come get me before I "drove my car through the living room!!! and CRUSHED EVERYTHING." My little sister reasoned with us, that we both had "crazy emotions" and needed to apologize. So we did. I told him he was a "out of line and had problems" and and he told me I was "ungrateful and naive" then we hugged it out and I pointed out his new gray hairs.

When you put together the family dynamics we have there's the opportunity for fatal blowouts, and the same opportunity to break seemingly impossible barriers and learn better compassion and understanding for your differences. When people are so vastly different, but their blood is the same, you have two choices; to embrace them, or create a greater wedge by denying them and allowing your differences to determine your relationship, instead of the opposite. Anger happens, it's how you deal with it that's the part that either breaks the family apart, or makes you closer.

Sentences like, "your ignorance astounds me!" have been thrown across our tables and so have, "I'll pray for you." That last one didn't come from my immediate family, oh hellll no and so on......but the truth is, at the end of the day, THESE PEOPLE ARE THE PEOPLE I LOVE. I love their off-color comments and tempers. I love their opinions, their cluelessness, their intelligence. I love that they're geniunly, above all people, the ones that I WANT to spend my time with.

My Dad is the best man in the World and also the person you don't want to fuck with, ever. He's hot headed. He screams from time to time, and thank God I was born with good lungs- cause I'm the only person brave enough to scream back. He's the only human being who I actually believe has the ability to STEAM. Like a cartoon bull, or an iron.....that burns.

But....we all can burn and too often we burn the people we love the most, cause they're the only ones willing to reach out and touch the fire. We're all steaming, flames of ridiculous bursts of light that are both blinding and beautiful in the same glance. The holidays are always such a reminder that we can learn to exist with each other, without judging each other's life choices, spouses, financial decisions, religions, sexual orientation, or career paths. Or heinous holiday earrings. Learning to LOVE it all, even if it's foreign to you is what makes you family, it isn't just the title of sister, or cousin, or the bloodline. We can scream and disagree, but we are family. And you know how Italians feel about family....




WHAT'S YOUR FAMILY LIKE????







36 comments:

Miss Always Carried Away said...

My aunt sees angels!!!! One night at 3 am in the morning she was trying to go for a run because an angel told her so! My grandma had to exercise with her at 3 am!!!!

LucyInDaSky said...

i'm glad I'm not the only one with a crazy italian family... just sayin

jnyfritz said...

Exactly what you described minus the gay buddhist...

Manju said...

awww your family sounds so interesting, like something you'd see right out of a movie! lol
even with the hullabaloo and squabbles family is the best, isn't it :)

Doniree said...

Can I have dinner with your family sometime? SERIOUSLY. Mine's nuts too, but in way different ways. My mom and dad get drunk on Friday nights and dance in the kitchen to Jimmy Buffet and the Atlantic Rhythm Section, or something like that. I have gay uncles in Georgia and fundamentally Christian conservative in Texas. I have Southern gramas that make the BEST CORNBREAD EVER, and sweet tea and fried okra and say things like "bless her heart." They're nuts, we don't always agree, but they're awesome. :)

daisychain said...

ohhh this post made me laugh, (sorry if I shouldn't have!)

Herding Cats said...

You should seriously write a book about your family. They sound amazing. My family is pretty crazy too....gotta love them though (even if they make me want to change my last name out of shame...haha)

Tara said...

love this post! We definitely all have quirks and the dynamics when you put a family together (esp a big one) with all diff quirks...who knows what will happen.

I've got: lesbian mom and her longtime gf, recovered drug addict uncle and his wife, recovered alcoholic and retired military grandma and grandpa, sister who doesn't want to do anything with her life, mom's gf's recovered drug addict and alcohilic son and his recovered drug addict wife and 3 kids. Oh boy. But we all love each other.

Julie said...

the family that stays up drinking till 7 am? Oh wait...that would be MINE. The family that is also sprinkled with a dash of crazy, a pinch of neurotic, and a generous helping of general nuttiness? Yep...that's mine too, I feel the same way! You love 'em, but sometimes the claws have GOT to come out!

Hiding Myself From Me said...

As usual, another wonderful read. I can relate !

Vanessa said...

British-ness keeps my family together. Though not in the prim and proper cliche way. They have a wacky sense of humor, can't cook and love to beat each other at Risk. Only we could be the most (dis)functional and fabulous family - and it's because we're British.

angryredhead said...

Bahaha, I love your family. I can't believe your aunt pulls pans out of the oven with her BARE HANDS.

Abbie said...

I had to laugh at this one because this is so my family, too. Complete with lesbians, born-again preachers and screaming-- lots and lots of screaming. My husband always asks me why I miss my family and want to go back for week-long trips when I'm calling him by the first night to b*tch about it all.

Miss Caitlin S. said...

ahahah, I love this - because basically this is how everyone feels at family functions - who are these people??? I love them but REALLY. hahah. Nice!

http://candyflosspersie.blogspot.com/

Phoenix said...

Damn, girl...my repressed and passive aggressive New England family is WAY too boring compared to yours...

Nicole Leigh said...

my family is so crazy!
my mom and I get in to some crazy screaming fights, crying, then an hour later apologizing.
yes, i love her but sometimes she makes me want to pull out my hair.
"what jobs are you applying to, what are you doing with your life.." blah blah, etc etc
and yes, we're italian too :)

Conquer The Monkey said...

OH WOW, I wanna meet Granny!!!!!!!
I think all families are insane to some degree. this year it was just me and the hubby so it was uber low stress for once!!!!!

Ashley said...

This is 100% my family, including the gay buddhist uncle (only mines a great uncle) and adding the grandfather who remarried 6 months after his wife of 60 years died and caused the scandal of all scandals. Its crazy but really? Would you want it any other way? I don't think so. Wouldn't be the same!

P said...

Your family sounds AMAZING!!!

I always think mine are a bit zany. My sister, my best friend, is the most normal one. My brother is a bit quiet and anti-social and I rarely talk about him so sometimes even my closest friends don't realise I even HAVE a brother for ages. My mum and dad are lovely, but like to fart in public a lot. Which can be a bit embarrassing at times...

Evie Stewart said...

Your dancing bartender Granny sounds like such a wild one, it's no wonder that she's had so many husbands!

I'm pretty sure I'm the craziest one in my family, and btw, don't get my dad started.
xo/
@EvieStewart

floreta said...

awesome! my family is much quieter. in fact, painfully quiet. our dinner hardly anyone talks. it's so awkward :P it's an awkward kind of dysfunction.

you have a lot of dancers in your family :)

Melissa said...

Your family sounds awesome! I always thought MY family was insane, you got me beat! =)

The best part of my family is that we all really love wine...

Taylor-made Wife said...

you should defnitely write a book about your crazy family. This post cracked me up.

omchelsea said...

Wow, what is it with being called Chelsea and ungreateful... simultaneously.... had a HUGE blowout with my dad on Monday night. Not planning to make an apology.

That Saddity Chic said...

Thank you for writing this. I've been debating since Thanksgiving if I was finally ready to disown my family or not. I hosted Thanksgiving this year and they said and did tremendously hurtful things in my home. It's the not the first time time my family has shown their asses and i've been highly upset.

But your post is encouraging me to not write them off just yet, but I'm definitely keeping them at arms length.

walkingonsunshine18 said...

HAHAHA oh family, they sure do know how to make us laugh. My family is pretty tame for the most part, just loud, really loud!

ryan said...

Maybe, if I'm lucky, you'll add a depressive- passionate-financial wreck-musician- ex denver city jail inmate- to the mix at some point.

the "L" spot said...

I love crazy families...

mine makes me sound normal.
lazy older bro w/a daughter and a crazy on and off again gf
lesbian sister w/a daughter and a gf 20yrs older that everyone pretends does not exists.
little sister, 16 makes me wish I could buy her a chastity belt.
ten yr old brother, poor thing doesnt't even know what he was born into.

Caylee said...

haha i love how your nana takes things out of the oven with her bare hands! that is so funny to me! my little cousins like to roll around on the floor, farting consistently. they also show up to meet new people wearing hogwarts wizardry robes (because they think it is more impressive). my grandma got drunk at my house and fell through our big glass table. she is 93. just saying... families are CRAZYYY. great post! :)

Alexandra said...

i really love how eclectic your family is and that you love them for who they are- its all we can do! xo

eda said...

按摩棒電動按摩棒飛機杯自慰套自慰套情趣內衣
角色扮演情趣,情趣用品跳蛋情趣跳蛋

G點性感丁字褲吊帶襪丁字褲無線跳蛋

衣蝶
情趣按摩棒
潤滑液SM內衣性感內衣自慰器充氣娃娃AV情趣情趣用品

Diane said...

Wow! I really enjoyed the text, you are indeed very talented! You should start writing "officially" if you haven't done it yet!

But I think your family is great!
Actually I think for each individual his own family is crazy and wonderful.

I like you blog a lot!

kiss

MissNeira said...

Haha I love the different uncles you have, thats so entertaining!

My family is very small, so the personalities (or lack thereof) are very small
but I do enjoy making fun of everyone!

my name is lauren. said...

you are hillarious.

my family has issues...but definitely less interesting ones than your family.

my family is just nuts and annoying and everone is in everyone else's business. you can't even pee without somebody wanting to know about it. seriously.

i love them anyway.

Anonymous said...

Nackte Weiber

PrivateCams

Amateure Girls

cc22 said...

情趣,情趣用品,巴黎,

SM道具,SM,
G點,按摩棒,
轉珠按摩棒,變頻跳蛋,
跳蛋,無線跳蛋,

飛機杯,數位按摩棒,
男用強精短軟質套,充氣娃娃,
自慰套,自慰套,
情趣娃娃,自慰器,
電動自慰器,充氣娃娃器,
角色扮演,角色扮演服,

震動環,潤滑液,
情趣禮物,情趣玩具,
威而柔,逼真按摩棒,
杜蕾斯,潤滑液,自慰器,

 
ss_blog_claim=1c43e45eb4927c96edea5f154138fe95