Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I've been having consistent sex for a year- Yay me.



It was a year ago last week, that My Love and I decided to "make it official" to stamp a label on it and stop drunkenly (er, desperately?) kissing strangers and flirting with fuglies for a little admiration.

...we met, I say, "accidentally." I had a little "Glee" in my step, had just returned aimlessly from Europe and thought next I'd be India bound, or sipping caipirinha's in Brazil, or living in Santa Barbara with "Luca" who I'd met on a train ride (he could've been a figment of my imagination, he looked like an Italian Jude Law, 6'4 and was a personal chef- why we didn't bone, I have no idea?)- that is, after the holidays. So, WTF would I do until my next "big adventure," i'd sing in a show!! Genius.

One evening, my Europe-inspired-cockiness and I went unprepared to an audition- that, if I booked, would keep me occupied for the winter and give me the chance to flex the golden pipes three times a week in public. No music, no appointment- I showed up, I booked the gig. I booked the lead character, get this; an impregnated, Catholic school girl- knocked up by a gay boy. Brilliance right? There was even a sex scene. Very Spring Awakening, just less awesome.

Turns out, my wayward Love needed something to do for the holidays too- he accepted the gig through a friend and played guitar in the show.....the rest, as they say- is history, i.e. an amazing year of unparalleled orgasms, life-changing conversation and someone to watch The Kardashians with.

I knew that first night, as he fumbled with my bracelets across the table, finding an excuse to touch my skin and mustered up the courage to ask if I'd want to go "grab a bite," which latter turned into "makeout like horny 16 year kids in my car" fest, that he'd be my boyfriend, that I could stare at those brilliant curls and sparkly eyes everyday. Fuck, going to India! I'm in LOOOOVE!

A little over a year ago- I was convincing myself I'd be "ok" semi-dating potential suitors, who would prove to be less than charming and fantastic, and that at the end of the night I wouldn't cry in bed, wishing there was a warm body next to me. I would be that Single Girl who wore lingerie just because and picked up men who wore nice suits, then leave their high-rise with heels dangling from my hand, before they woke up to take my-satisfied-self for french toast and a mimosa. I didn't need their company, I was confident- people wanted me. I had a bevy of admirers. I would talk about, how "I'd just adopt" if I never got married, or knocked up. I'd take long bubble baths alone and live in my bathrobe like it were a pair of his boxer shorts. I'd impress my relatives at the holidays when they asked why I didn't have a "man," with my audacious self assurance and wit, then like a snake charmer I'd weave stories they'd live vicariously through as they lapped up spinach dip and tall tales, only to go home wishing to be single for one. more. day. I would star as the Eva Mendas in my own life......

...this of course, was what I thought- I could be. But a year ago, I wasn't that. I wanted kisses and snuggles, someone to tell me they loved the baby hairs around my temples. Single Girl wasn't having fun cooking single-serve dinners (hi, I'm not good at math, try changing recipes) and Single Girl certainly didn't dig on the awkward front-door-kiss. What the hell Eva Mendes movie is this? One where she's fucking 16 and going to prom. FUCK. THAT. I'll be a spinster.

I'd given up. My white flag was raised. And I applied coats of Mac Lip Glass to make that plastered smile SHINE, betch. Then he was there.....

He listened. He wanted to be there for every moment, good and bad to toast a glass with me, or let me scream like a lunatic while he "shhhed" me quietly, like a baby, back to sanity. He watched me when I slept...and I didn't think that'd happen again unless someone was checking to see if I was dead. He calmed me, centered me- made me present. He made me feel weightless, talented, validated- dare I say, perfect even?

This year we've grown in love with each other and I knew from the first date where we downed truffle oil fries, that I could be happy with him. We've created music together, toured, recorded, sold out shows and bombed others. We've hiked mountains (literally), confessed the worst of secrets, panicked and overcome together. We've built on dreams and created new ones. We've jaunted all over New York, New Mexico, Washinton, Oregon, Vail, Breckenridge and Colorado. We've tried walking out, then walked back out of guilt and fortitude. We've consumed too much PBR and even more walnut pizza (if you haven't had it, do it- add walnuts.) We tried hot tub sex, not worth it, but we tried and I even have a sex scar. Call me, hardcore.

Daggers have been thrown, but never more than "I love you's." I know, you're gagging. What it all comes down to, is; I love his fucking face. I admire his spirit. I'm awed by his intelligence. I am lucky.....that he found me. And I like his penis. The end.

Stop throwing up on your keyboards now. Happy Anniversary Baby.



95 comments:

Tricia said...

I love the pics..you two look adorable and just the right fit..
Happy Anniversary to you and yours!

Shibby said...

haha the title made me smile :)
This is such a lovely post happy anniversary =)

Stevie said...

Ain't love grand? SO happy for you! Happy anniversary!

Jenni said...

Okay, you are so cute. Happy Anniversary! I'm so happy that you've found your love.

ps- Looking through those photos, you are beautiful! Love your style and hair. I think he might be the lucky one to have you ;)

Sid said...

Of all the posts you have ever written this one is my favourite. LOVE. IT.

DesBisoux said...

wow...lady!i'm quite delighted to read about that side of you! and yes i did get almost sick because you guys are just so cute!
happy anniversary!

Jules said...

Happy Anniversary! I LOVED reading your story and seeing your pics!!! What a great way to start my day!

Cait said...

Aw, happy anniversary!! You guys are so cute & look so happy together.

Doniree said...

Hot tub sex = BAD idea. Same with pool sex.

But Happy Anniversary! How about a champagne toast on Friday?! WOOO! :)

hannahjustbreathe said...

I think my heart just melted a little. Happy anniversary!!

Don't ya just love love... :)

olivia rae said...

aww you guys are so sweet! happy anniversary!

Just A Girl said...

I play the role of Cynical Single Girl a lot, but I'll tell you something - I much prefer having someone around who gets me. Shhh it's a secret! I'm glad you found the truffle oil to your fries (and ohhh lordy are those bad boys good).

Hiding Myself From Me said...

Very nice. I hope there are many more years to come !

Jill said...

Happy Anniversary!

teresa said...

every now and again, the gushing is necessary. congrats to you both.

Meeks said...

Fan-fucking-tastic. Love couldn't have happened to a nicer chick. Happy Anniversary!

Herding Cats said...

Um....could you guys BE any more photogenic and gorgeous? Seriously though, Happy Annniversary! Do something fun!

Brooke said...

No barfing on the keyboard here... you two are thuper duper cute. Plus I'm in the midst of my own grand romance, so I can relate. Congrats!

rachel said...

this was the sweetest EVER. happy anniversary. :)

Lindsey Marie said...

an impregnated, Catholic school girl- knocked up by a gay boy.

sounds like the movie Saved!! i loved that movie.

Jaime said...

Great post and congrats to you both! :)

Ben said...

Consistent sex for a year sounds good to me. It funny how inconsistent it can be when you are single. That and the fact that you constantly play a sex quality lottery (sometimes it's horrible).

Anyway, corniness is sometimes justified and anniversaries are the perfect time to roll it all out. Good job! :D

Caroline in the City said...

Too cute to vomit.

missy. said...

love your honesty.

felt the same way you did. i was gunna rock this world by being the single girl who had any guy she wanted. it was playing off quite nicely tell my ex walked back into my life and now i can't get enough of him. going on six years. crazy.

congrats lady, i am so happy for you. happy anniversary!

brittany said...

this could possibly be my favorite post. a-frickin-dorable.

you should seriously write a book, i'd buy it.

lovelila said...

Awwwww, lovely post! I still aspire to be that Single Girl you described... but I'm still the one living at home with her father.... FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLL!!!

Happy anniversary!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

You're hilarious and so cute. Congrats on your anniversary. You two are a good-looking couple and seem perfect for each other, based on everything I just read. :)
I loved this post.

angryredhead said...

so i started reading the 6th paragraph and pretty much fell off my chair since you described me right down to the housecoat, except i'm not so high maintenance and haven't painted my toenails in weeks. it's nice to see you so happy, even i don't know you, and you two make a gorgeous couple. your babies will be beautiful someday. happy anniversary!

Jay Ferris said...

You owe me a keyboard.

The Socialite said...

haha! This was awesome. Gotta love hardcore honesty!

Margarita said...

Aww, so so sweet and cute. I'm glad you found someone who loves you :)

Erin said...

Happy Anniversary! You two are adorable.

Nahl said...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a cute post! I want one from my bf on our anniversary too! hehe.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Jay- done. And apparently a "sexy" list is owed too. Damn you're high maintenance.

Everyone- THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY WISHES, It's fun to totally girl it out on my blog and be all lovely dovey.....sigh. He's so pretty. haha.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

brittany- oh how I would LOVE to do that. It'll happen. I'll make it happen...then i'll have to hope people buy it ;) I'm counting on you!

Jodes said...

So I mopped up the puke enough to write this, but you owe me for my labour.
This is the fucking funniest, truest thing I've read this week.
I've just come out of a relationship that ended because of travelling and distance and am still in the Eva Mendes phase of my life for a bit.
But when I do need someone to praise my baby hairs and watch Peak Season with me, I hope I have a little bit of what you guys have.
'Cause it sounds pretty damn great.

Love&Light&Happiest Anniversary Wishes!

Sizzle said...

I didn't barf. Not once. But I might have let a "awww" slip out. I've seen you two together and well, it looked like magic where I was standing.

Glad you've found each other in this big, bad world.

Sadie said...

Happy Anniversary :)

Liz said...

Lol happy anniversary!

ps; I'm with ya on the hot tub sex. I felt like I was a toilet and someone was using a plunger on me. NOT COOL.

nicoleantoinette said...

Best post title ever. I mean... ever.

jeannie said...

awww, yay. Happy anniversary!

jenniferalaine said...

This is amazing and adorable -- and yeah, that single girl Eva Mendes lifestyle sounds glamorous and all, but what they don't tell you is that it's kinda lonely and things are far more interesting with a hot man (and lots of orgasms) to keep you company. Glad you found him :)

The Odd Duck said...

"An amazing year of unparalleled orgasms, life-changing conversations, and someone to watch the Kardashians with." That right there is a relationship success.

Matt said...

Congrats to you and brashman.

Cheers to many more anniversaries to come!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

odduck- I'm so glad you agree!!

Matt- WE'RE GONNA SEE YOUR ASS THIS WEEKEND, well, maybe not your ass...or hm. depending on how much we drink you never know what could happen?

flipflops said...

you guys are so sweet. happy anniversary!

Meghan said...

Happy Anniversary. I absolutely love this post - touching and brutally honest at the same time.

Katelin said...

this post just makes me happy. you two are tre adorable and so goofy together i just love it.

JUST ME said...

you two are adrob together. CONGRATS.

...and hot tub sex is never worth it. I keep trying and keep regretting...

the "L" spot said...

this was amazing!

thanks for sharing!!!

Kristin Quinn said...

Love it. Happy Anniversary!

Felisa said...

Oh so so so jelessssss. (and despite the way it's spelled, I do not mean that sarcastically at all. I'm sincerely jealous).

Congratulations!

eQ said...

Super cute =) I especially like the open mouth huge photo!

Happy anniversary! Here's to the men in our lives that get our hearts and get us off!

Susan said...

You guys are friggin adorable. Happy anniversary!

Melissa said...

Dude, I fucking love you. I love the way you write! This made me smile the whole time. And that you ended it all with "I love his penis" That made it...

{megs in wonderland} said...

happy anniversary! youre brilliant, and i respect your spring awakening reference. rock on woman!

J-Diggety said...

You are adorable and you two are adorable together!! Love this ode to your love post... congrats!!

xoxo J

piratemeghan said...

You makes utter nauseating true love adorable. Congratulations to you and Your Love.

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

You two are the cutest. Big congrats and lots of love! Mwah!

Mari said...

that was soo cute..."sex for a year" soo funny!! that was one original anniversary post...kudos girly!

Surfergrrl said...

Happy Anniversary! You both are too cute!

Rolerkite said...

Wishing you many many more years of happy sex.. and that companionship stuff too.

Phoenix said...

At first I was worried that you were getting too sentimental, but then you mentioned that you liked his penis, and I was like, Okay, so this IS Chelsea blogging after all and not someone who stole her identity!

You crack me up, girl. You've lived such an amazing life...and now you've got someone to share the adventure with :)

christine said...

love the title. love the post. congratulations!! you two are adorable.

Holly said...

What a fun story! You guys are so freaking cute together too. Happy anniversary to the two of you!

floreta said...

aw seriously, i love those types of stories :) whoever is going to turn me into a google pudding is one lucky guy. because i am hardcore single girl attitude. i don't want complication. i don't want to be tied down... AND i'm going to india, dammit! (ferreal)

SIDECARSALLY said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Be one with the Fro said...

hahahaha

happy anniversary!

Elle said...

This is probably the best anniversary related post I have ever read! You're lucky to be experiencing this type of love. May many more years be in the stars for you both <3

M said...

such a cute post, congratulations to you both!

TKTC said...

Best anniversary post ever. You make a beautiful pair and beautiful music and your still humping like little rabbits...congratulations on all of it!

مى said...

I love the title!!! And your post is adorable! God bless you two. I love love. hehe

This was so uplifting. Be happy xx

Miss Eve said...

Happy Anniversary :-)

honestchitchat said...

Can you clone him and send him to Newport? We'll pay good $.

Ellie said...

And when it all comes down to it, I bet he loves your pink bits just as much. lol!

repliderium.com said...

Even the hardest of hardcore have to be diabeticly sweet now and then- besides- you have a sex scar so it's totally fine.

Charlie said...

Congrats - having someone to love and share life with is something to treasure :)

Feelmore said...

You made me all watery n shit. Thanks a lot.

Feelmore said...

You made me all watery n shit. Thanks a lot.

Feelmore said...

oh. ps. love that you guys do the music together, makes me happy cuz that's what we do and has been our dream since meeting eachother (my husband and me duh). so good on ya!

The Daily Dose said...

Is it bad news that I didn't throw up on my keyboard? Not even a little bit in my mouth! It all made me smile. Happy 1 year!

walkingonsunshine18 said...

The post title made me laugh out loud! Great post and great slideshow!

Meghan said...

Happy Anniversary. You two are a perfect match. You compliment each other beautifully.

ChasingParadise said...

I'm just now catching up after my wedding and honeymoon! Congrats on the anniversary. You two are adorable together and your happiness together radiates!

sarah marie p said...

Happy Anniversary! You guys are too cute together!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

chasing paradise- AH! I hope you had such a lovely time, congrats to you!!!!



and to everyone for all of your sweet wishes and congrats, THANK YOU. I feel so grateful. XOXO.

Lexie said...

"i would be eva mendes for the rest of my life" hahahahahahahahaha

you are so funny.

Lindsay. Out. Loud said...

Congratulations! You people are great together. Great blog, by the way. You crack me up and say all the things that some of us are afraid to, hah!

-L

Chessa! said...

hooray for sex on the regular!
and btw, you are so cute and you freaking make me laugh more than anyone...

michelle said...

"i love his fucking face" is probably the best thing EVER :)

Suburban Sweetheart said...

What a good-lookin' couple. COngrats on your one-year!

Allesandra Marie said...

I was checking out your blog and have to say you are absolutely spectacular! And it seems to me I should be damn jealous of the fabulous relationship you have. :)

Lyndsy said...

I just love this post. Mostly because I have felt all the things you described myself. I am really happy for the two of you :) What a great end to the story!

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