Right now, this is the only thing keeping me going. And I'm hardly inspired to write.
I am in between jobs, in between shows, in between homes, in between being incredibly being busy and then having absolutely nothing but the promise of peppermint flavored coffee and a good Hot Topics on The View to wake up to. Papers are waiting to be signed, masters are waiting to be completed and then I'm here, just waiting. We're in the middle of mastering our new album, so it's a lot of sitting around and waiting until we can push it. There's not a l other than thinking about the FUTURE that's inspiring me, motivating me, pushing me- keeping me EXCITED. I'm living completely focused the future to ignore the fact that I'm unfulfilled by the present- when maybe I should be appreciating the present to feel it's fulfillment?
I feel......blah. When I'm at the point to admit BLAH, especially on a blog- I'm "going through it." and I remind myself of this " The words "I am ..." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." BLAH, has claimed me.
When I was Little Chelsea I had a very clear vision of what I wanted, what I wanted to experience by now- where I wanted to go, and where I would've already been....there's moments when I feel content with planting the seeds to make that all happen and then there's the adverse affect of sheer disappointment in myself, terror and frustration. Which I realize, is likely canceling out the chance for anything to "bloom."
It's no secret that, I'm neurotic as fuck and this LIMBO is only making it worse. I HAVE A LOT OF IRRATIONAL FEARS. Plenty; I think bouncy balls are the worst "toy" ever invented and I'm surprised more children don't choke on them. When someone asks me if I'm allergic to something (I know I'm not), but I think- maybe, just maybe, there's some rare spice in this recipe that will kill me? I think the show Snapped is fucking terrifying and wonder if people really do just get possessed by some demon that makes them drive into oncoming traffic with a family in the car. AND, at any given time I'm terrified that I have an incurable disease, unto which I still have no recollection of. Running out of Parmesan cheese is as Earth shattering as the prospect of 2012 (no pun intended), I think people who ride horses and tame wild animals are deranged and sometimes I worry, that Madonna will die and we'll never have had the chance to be friends. Or makeout on the VMA's, since everyone digs a remake.
.....that's just a start. I'm so neurotic that I'm afraid of everything and NOTHING at all at once.
But the fear that's the WORST of all, the fear that can set off my Crazy Making unlike any tarantula, or mental person running at me with lye.....
....is the fear that somehow, I'll let my life slip through my fingers and all of my dreams will go unfulfilled.
That I'll let that Little Chelsea, sitting on a bar stool wearing a crown, a slip, and a muff singing Mr. Sandman (don't ask, just call me classy)- end up a bitter, disappointed, hopeless woman.
"Don't be a waste of talent." My favorite teacher said that to me once and I've been carrying around this fear that maybe, I will be. I can't look at my Little Chelsea self in the face and say, "Stop dreaming kid, it doesn't work out anyway." I can't say it and I'm trying to convince myself that, I won't. I won't stop. I won't stop calling, or emailing, or punching down your fucking door until I get what I want.....woa, yea- Big Chelsea turned out scary.
it's just, that sometimes... I'm afraid. Sometimes, I see Little Chelsea looking at me shaking her head with those big puppy eyes...Sometimes, I worry that no phone call will have a "yes" on the other end. Sometimes I think no one will respond. The opportunity won't arise.
Through all the positivity and mindfulness that THOUGHTS ARE INDEED THINGS, and that we are active creators in our reality- I have moments like this one, where I can't sleep, but I can't figure out what to do next- where I can't "see it happening" and yet, I can't see anything else. Sometimes, there are MOMENTS, where I'm just afraid.