Monday, November 9, 2009

Thoughts are things and my THING is a massive panic attack.


Right now, this is the only thing keeping me going. And I'm hardly inspired to write.

I am in between jobs, in between shows, in between homes, in between being incredibly being busy and then having absolutely nothing but the promise of peppermint flavored coffee and a good Hot Topics on The View to wake up to. Papers are waiting to be signed, masters are waiting to be completed and then I'm here, just waiting. We're in the middle of mastering our new album, so it's a lot of sitting around and waiting until we can push it. There's not a l other than thinking about the FUTURE that's inspiring me, motivating me, pushing me- keeping me EXCITED. I'm living completely focused the future to ignore the fact that I'm unfulfilled by the present- when maybe I should be appreciating the present to feel it's fulfillment?

I feel......blah. When I'm at the point to admit BLAH, especially on a blog- I'm "going through it." and I remind myself of this " The words "I am ..." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." BLAH, has claimed me.

When I was Little Chelsea I had a very clear vision of what I wanted, what I wanted to experience by now- where I wanted to go, and where I would've already been....there's moments when I feel content with planting the seeds to make that all happen and then there's the adverse affect of sheer disappointment in myself, terror and frustration. Which I realize, is likely canceling out the chance for anything to "bloom."

It's no secret that, I'm neurotic as fuck and this LIMBO is only making it worse. I HAVE A LOT OF IRRATIONAL FEARS. Plenty; I think bouncy balls are the worst "toy" ever invented and I'm surprised more children don't choke on them. When someone asks me if I'm allergic to something (I know I'm not), but I think- maybe, just maybe, there's some rare spice in this recipe that will kill me? I think the show Snapped is fucking terrifying and wonder if people really do just get possessed by some demon that makes them drive into oncoming traffic with a family in the car. AND, at any given time I'm terrified that I have an incurable disease, unto which I still have no recollection of. Running out of Parmesan cheese is as Earth shattering as the prospect of 2012 (no pun intended), I think people who ride horses and tame wild animals are deranged and sometimes I worry, that Madonna will die and we'll never have had the chance to be friends. Or makeout on the VMA's, since everyone digs a remake.

.....that's just a start. I'm so neurotic that I'm afraid of everything and NOTHING at all at once.

But the fear that's the WORST of all, the fear that can set off my Crazy Making unlike any tarantula, or mental person running at me with lye.....

....is the fear that somehow, I'll let my life slip through my fingers and all of my dreams will go unfulfilled.

That I'll let that Little Chelsea, sitting on a bar stool wearing a crown, a slip, and a muff singing Mr. Sandman (don't ask, just call me classy)- end up a bitter, disappointed, hopeless woman.

"Don't be a waste of talent." My favorite teacher said that to me once and I've been carrying around this fear that maybe, I will be. I can't look at my Little Chelsea self in the face and say, "Stop dreaming kid, it doesn't work out anyway." I can't say it and I'm trying to convince myself that, I won't. I won't stop. I won't stop calling, or emailing, or punching down your fucking door until I get what I want.....woa, yea- Big Chelsea turned out scary.

it's just, that sometimes... I'm afraid. Sometimes, I see Little Chelsea looking at me shaking her head with those big puppy eyes...Sometimes, I worry that no phone call will have a "yes" on the other end. Sometimes I think no one will respond. The opportunity won't arise.


Through all the positivity and mindfulness that THOUGHTS ARE INDEED THINGS, and that we are active creators in our reality- I have moments like this one, where I can't sleep, but I can't figure out what to do next- where I can't "see it happening" and yet, I can't see anything else. Sometimes, there are MOMENTS, where I'm just afraid.




53 comments:

Nahl said...

I think A LOT of us think that way...the fear to not live the life we have always been wanting to live. I'm the exact same way as you, but I think the secret is to realize that we need to start living the life NOW. You know what they say? The journey is the destination.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Nahl- absolutely...I suppose thats part of the struggle firguring out to enjoy the journey even when it isn't looking like the trip you wanted to take :) Or something along those lines

Kristin said...

I feel you. I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be at my age. But you know what? That's ok! I bet there are some fabulous positives to your stage in life too. : )

DesBisoux said...

my life right now is problably as far as possible of what i had wanted/imagined it would be 10-15 year ago...
I'm not saying it's for the best but that's just how it is. and i mean, in your case, you've got a lot to be proud of! it's that easy to get a spot in your industry! recording, touring, writing...wow! and who knows if the life Little Chelsea had in mind would be much more satisfying...

Shibby said...

Wow this is an amazing post. I'm in a very similar situation at the moment and it's hard to stop the fear of not knowing taking over. Being positive is very hard when you have no where to live and no job, but I just think that I'm working towards my dream even if it's only a small amount every day it's better than nothing :)and I enjoy everything as if it's the first time so I never become complacent with things =)
Take care

Hiding Myself From Me said...

The FEAR comes for me when I ask myself is this what I really want to do with my life ? ...like I'm somehow wasting time...or when I do accomplish a goal, I wonder ... OK now what ? A lot of times I have realized that the journey is far better that the actual destination. Chaos sometimes seems to be the only thing familar to me anymore so I just roll with it.

FabBlab said...

Ah, can I not relate. Panic attacks are a bitch. Last year was a tough school year because of a lot of academic reasons and I used to push myself to oblivion in school and totally break down at home.

But at the end of the day, you just gotta be happy with what you have and suck it up ;)

nifer said...

I share your fears about life too. It's a scary world out there!

Just remember...

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

It will consume you if you let it. Don't let it! Be that little girl on the stool!

~ Jen

laurennicolelove.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
laurennicolelove.com said...

oh lady, how i feel your pain. i have my share of panic and anxiety attacks and they are partially if not entirely caused by the same fears. i'm terrified that i'll wake up and realize i missed god knows how many opportunities because i was either just not paying any attention or i flat failed at it. in fact, today is my birthday and i'm borderline freaking out because all i can do is think about what the hell i did with the last year of my life and how much more i could have done with it (when in reality there's probably not one single thing more i could have piled onto my plate).

so, that being said, i guess we put 100% of ourselves into every single thing we do and hang on for dear life. be encouraged - if you work hard, play hard, and love hard, you won't fail at life. and if you do, you'll know you're the last person on earth to blame for it. hah. :D

much love! xoxoxo

Alice in Wonderland said...

Fear is a strange thing. It can totally take over your life, if you let it! Just remember who is in charge here. These are only feelings, and will soon pass if you put them in their place!
Hang in there girl, you are doing well!

Doniree said...

Ok, Oh. My. God. I have my very own "I hate waiting and that gives me panic attacks!" post sitting in my drafts folder for later this week. I'd debated posting, but this reminds me that I'm NOT THE ONLY ONE that freaks out when she's in limbo.

"In between jobs, in between homes..." UM. YEAH.

And while everything on the horizon is super exciting and fun? It's still ON THE HORIZON and that makes me nutty.

Sigh. I propose champagne bars and giggles and cheers. I bet that will help. Whaddya say? Next Friday night? SWEET.

Taylor-made Wife said...

Oh, I sooo feel you here! I think its important to remember that while its good to keep an eye on your fears, don't let those fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

daisychain said...

I get you 100% with this post,

I hope this stage passes for you asap.

greenmyguy said...

All my life I had those "four year plans" figured out. But now that I'm near graduation, I look to the future and see...gray. It's terrifying and nerve-wracking and all I want to do is hide under the covers like I did when I was a little kid.

When I feel like way I try to think back to all the things I accomplished in my life so far, no matter how big or small and try to remember the feeling that comes with it.

Remembering that feeling pushes me to keep striving even though I feel stuck.

Good luck Chelsea!

Herding Cats said...

This sounds like a typical mid-20 quarter life crisis to me. I'm going through one as well. I feel poor and uncertain just about everyday, but I prevail...we all do. It's really hard though - especially when you feel like all your plans are not coming out as expected. Just know that, cliche as it sounds, things WILL get better. In the meantime, treat yourself well - you deserve it!

Summer said...

I think everyone comes to these points in their life. Not that knowing that will make it any easier. Sending positive thoughts your way to see you through!

P.S. I'm an irrational fear lady too.

Surfergrrl said...

you're not alone in this way of thinking. Everyone has these fears from time to time. Look, the worst thing you can do is have these fears and hide out in a corner, but your facing your fears. You're working towards something. The only thing you would ever look back on and regret is never trying, and you, my dear, have nothing to fear there.

JUST ME said...

I hear you, girl. I'm constantly afraid that I'm wasting my talent...but then I try to be positive and think that I'm just grooming it for something better...

And The View is so deliciously annoying it's fabulous.

Jaime said...

I feel this way too- I am in a job that I hate and have been looking for a new job for over a year. I really don't know what I want to do with my life (besides the dream jobs that prob won't ever happen). This time life is in limbo. I have to believe it all works out in the end and for the best!

Keep on truckin' :)

flipflops said...

"Don't be a waste of talent." That's exactly what my own internal voice tells me... tragic.

Even during these rough parts, just remember that you are an inspiration to all of your readers. You are living, singing proof that dreams come true if you fight for them! I hope the wait ends soon.

brad said...

I think if you were absolutely sure at all times -- if you never had doubts, if you never felt urgency, you never felt the need to push for more -- that that would be so much worse. Because you'd be wrong. You're supposed to want more; to want to be more; to want to achieve more. At least I think so. Because the day we stop worrying? The idea of that day just scares me.

angryredhead said...

Ahh, I don't think any of those fears sound irrational. Besides, fear is a driver: if you didn't have it, you'd just be sitting around eating potato chips or snorting crack and not actually feeling any sort of motivation at all. EMBRACE IT.

CDP said...

Very brave post, and as someone who is often crippled by anxiety, doubt, indecision, and downright panic, I can 100% relate. I hope things look up very soon.

repliderium.com said...

"Sometimes, there are MOMENTS, where I'm just afraid."
Those are the moments that I reach for a glass of wine. Or bottle. Whatever.

missy. said...

girl i hear you on this. i feel the same way. i used to have such a passion for doing hair and someone asked me the other day if i was doing that because they remebered how big of a dream it was for me..

sad how i let that go and now am trying to pursue a new grown up dream. maybe one day i'll actually accomplish that dream.

good luck lady. you'll do great with whatever it is that comes your way because you are a bad ass who doesn't let the world walk over her.

Jay Ferris said...

If you think the irrational fears are bad now, just wait until you have kids!

Jay Ferris said...

Which, btw, is going to be real soon, right?

Phoenix said...

I get this way sometimes, too. Here's a tip, something I learned from someone else: Fill your heart with so much love, that there is no room for fear.

Go outside, breathe deeply. Fall in love with strangers and the world and the weather and the birds and trees. I know it sounds all hippie, but trust me: when you bring the focus outside of yourself, and start giving back love to the rest of the world, you'll realize how infinite it is - how impossible it is for you to NOT be happy, no matter what happens to you.

Love and fear are exact opposites, and they cannot exist in the same physical space.

Jane said...

Awh, I think we all feel like that sometimes... it's part of the whole 20-something thing. I know you've taken a different path, but even those of us who have done more "traditional" things worry that there will never be someone who will approve us for publication, or that there will never be someone who thinks we're good enough to hire...

so, chin up, things tend to work out the way they should!

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

Great post. I couldn't agree more with so much of what you've said---I share soooo many of the same fears.

Sadie said...

hey! we've all felt it and you'll feel it forever.. is the fear of growing up, is the fear of not live while your on this earth... don't worry It'll go away... just remember to make this ride worth it...

SJ said...

Life can be tough. I hope this is just a phase, I'm sure it is. I know this is really cheesy, but stay as positive as you possibly can. Don't doubt yourself, you are amazing.

nic said...

I don't think it's even a possibility that you would be letting your life slip by. After reading you all these months, you've done so much- more than most people do in a lifetime!- and you more than anyone else I've encountered keep doing that. I know that fear though- that's why I won't wait to do things "when I retire" or "when I get married" etc. Do it now, I say. Because you can. And because you never know.

Alexandra said...

there are google ads below the comment box for "stopping panic attacks" hahaha ... you are after my own heart with your neuroses and angst. xo keep calm carry on!

Alexandra said...

PS ANGSTY! I think we should submit it to Webster...

The SSS Sophisticate said...

I am right there with you. Always worried that I am wasting my precious time and am meant to do something better and more meaningful. It makes me crazy!

Melissa said...

Hm, I think a LOT of people feel this way. Most people set the bar really high for themselves and end up really freaking scared for a long time that they won't ever quite live up to it. So, I completely agree with this post. But that wasn't my initial reaction- that one was more like.. WHAT?
Because you're insanely talented- you write, record, tour & you are an amazing writer. You've created homes all across the country, which is something most are scared to death of doing. Don't knock yourself down so much, give yourself credit where credit is due and you might realize you're doing really well for yourself.

Allison M. said...

Sometimes decisions, no matter how big or small, are terrifying.

You will figure it out. don't worry.

Tolson said...

" The words "I am ..." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you."

Woah, that's a great quote. I want to lock that up and save it for myself.

I understand completely where you're coming from. Sometimes when your in the "inbetween" mode of already being done with one thing and looking for the next thing to start you feel like your their for eternity and it can be a very scary and dark place. But no that no person stays completely "in between" forever as long as they keep moving.

Younger versions of ourselves can be deceiving. Little _____ hardly ever knows exactly what it will take to get what she wants, and she certainly can't predict the things that will both guide and block our journeys through life.

Sometimes whats best in life is to stop thinking about the future and what it may hold and stop to take a look around and see where you are first. You might find that you're more happy with where you are in life than you'd think.

Good luck with everything!

Nora said...

there are moments when i'm afraid..especially when i want to accomplish something great. i guess fear gets us in all shapes or form.

Elizabeth Marie said...

I think that by writing this, by looking the fear in the face you're making progress and you'll never let down the lil girl on the stool, even if it's not how you always "planned"

xo

Brittany said...

I know what you mean, about life slipping through your fingers. It's terrifying. But I'm sure your blahs will come face-to-face with something great.

I love your blog here. It's so honest.

thatShortChick said...

OMG.

Chelsea this is EXACTLY how I am feeling.

I saved this to my favorites folder on my desktop because you so perfectly put into words the thoughts I've been having.

honestchitchat said...

I'm with Nahl!

Katelin said...

i swear, every one of your posts i can relate to in some way. and this one is no different. i think we're all afraid, hell i know i am. but at least you have enough guts to admit and write about it. hence another reason why you rock.

Meghan said...

You are definitely not alone in these thoughts - I worry ALL.THE.TIME. about where I am going and what awaits me. Life is hard. Just know that when I read about your life, I am inspired by your creativity and spontaneity! You rock.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Ohhh, do I hear you. I am chronically asking myself whether I am doing enough, making the most of what I'm given, living the life I want to live. It's exhausting, because some days the answer to all of those questions is a resounding "NO!"

But, I figure, at least I'm asking. I'm aware. And I'm striving to make the answer to those questions be a loud, happy, boisterous, "YES!" Some days, that is all we can do. And it is quite enough.

blorange dice said...

haha, i have too many strange habits as well.

i guess all we can really do is take things one day at a time and try our best to focus on the good things. otherwise, we'll get overwhelmed with the world and al of the bad things that happen.

hope you're feeling better!

Liv Lundelius said...

question:
peppermint flavored coffee!?
is it good!?

I am a huuuge coffee addict , but never heard of that.
google taught me there are coffee beans with
peppermint flavor as well as syrup wih peppermint
flavor for the coffee....
which one did you mean?

Ben said...

I have so very clearly been in the same boat lately that it's not even remotely enough for me to just leave a blog comment.

But I guess that's all I'm going to do.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

liv- IT IS AMAZING and yes, you just buy the ground coffee at the grocery store that says peppermint- they have all sorts of flavors!.....I JUST BOUGHT CREME BRULEE :)

aDeLiNe said...

"I worry, that Madonna will die and we'll never have had the chance to be friends."
You're awesome! :)

 
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