I've written four separate blogs and deleted all of them. I have a feeling that it's the shitty one that stuck.
Not inspired. Not inspired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Still feel like reading?!
It's almost Thanksgiving, it's also almost my birthday.... which just so happens to fall on Thanksgiving this year. Like, what the fuck is that? I'm not down with sharing the spotlight for thankfulness. I mean, gratitude and pilgrims definitely trump "Look at me it's my birthday!! Jazz hands!"
I have to bake two...three? (I should check up on that) pies tomorrow. I have 5 articles to finish. I'm waiting on four checks. I can barely fit yoga into my schedule, so my toxins are all fucking curled up into places they shouldnt be and they're derailing my CHI. Fuck.
I need a haircut. I need about 40 people to respond to my emails that aren't. I need 10 extra hours in my day. I need my scale to not tell me that it's physically possible to gain four pounds in a day when I've eaten virtually nothing but yogurt, powerbars and coffee. I need a new phone, a chill pill, a manicure and a pedicure, a new computer (did I ever mention that I have to use my sister's computer, since mine crashed on me a few months ago? AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A NEW ONE??? Which in turn makes her feel like it's ok to go through my underwear drawer and borrow ones that apparently, "I don't ever wear", and undermine me by kindly giving me her old bras, since she's too busty to fit into them anymore. Holla tiny titties for me!)
OH, I know WAHHH me, there's people dying in Africa Chelsea stop crying. I get it. But let me stomp around a little bit before we get all McJudgey, I care about Africa too. Sometimes we're granted the right to throw a self-involved baby fit. Especially during my birthday week (boyfriend inserts, "AND DURING YOUR PMS....") k? k.
I went through old emails and deleted about 200 that I've sent out to potential freelancing opportunities, music opportunities, etc. in the last MONTH. 200 that haven't responded! grrrr. In my mind, I'm that person that gets whatever she wants, in reality, that's only true some of the time. But who I am in my head, is who I am. So fuck, Universe, work with me! Which is part of the problem....
There's days when I feel like throwing in the towel and then I get even more angry because I know I'll never do that.
I don't feel like opening another rejection letter. I don't feel like trying to find anymore openings through a tiny crack in some random window, hypothetically.
I can't focus today. I can't decide what I want. Other than a gigantic chocolate chip cookie, but lately, I've been losing weight. I mean rapidly and a lot of it. I'm a small person, in general, but when you start getting positive affirmation for "how thin" and "great" you look all of a sudden you start to think, well fuck, was I really Jabba the Hutt before or something? So then every fucking cookie you look at resembles old "fat you." Even though old you wasn't fat?
I'm thankful that tomorrow and Thanksgiving, I can just RE-FUCKING-LAX, because I won't have to refresh my inbox, or worry that I'm "missing something" because most everyone are sitting behind a big fat turkey, just like me.
I'm done throwing a fit now. Thanks.
What AREN'T you thankful for this THANKSGIVING?!