Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The only Nutcracker this Christmas is me.


Well, Happy almost Birthday baby Jesus.

...I see he's picked up on the importance of having a "birthday month."Jesus and I, we're likethis in that regard. AND he has a mascot- talk about making sure that people don't forget your birthday. Get a big old man and plaster him everywhere, on Coca-Cola cans and toilet seat covers....then, have him say he'll be bringing gifts FOR ALL. He's sort of like Oprah, but once a year. Jesus should write a "How-To" book on throwing a month long birthday bash.

I've had sort of a rough December getting into the holiday spirit to be honest- we've been so busy moving, fixing, traveling, working and doing coupley things that I've almost forgotten that this is the time I should be searching racks for ugly Christmas sweaters and eating peppermint flavored things, while listening to the Vienna Boys Choir and amazing synth rock versions of Silver Bells. I haven't done any of those things.......

Usually at this time of year I want to cuddle up into something (that isn't a Snuggie, since I'm against the Snuggie movement....cause I'm all indie like that) and watch The Nutcracker, while shoving my face full of sticks of butter and joy. Butter=joy. I haven't done that...I've been eating normal non-Christmas human food, like eggs and Pb&J. Christmas food is; Cinnamon rolls, 7 sticks of bacon instead of 2 and banana loaf....followed by chocolate milk and mulled wine. In case you missed the memo Jesus totally condones gluttony during birthday month.

I haven't stared up at the Christmas lights hung on my tree and watched them change from green to blue like I used to when I was a kid, until I fell asleep with the lights still plugged and was woken up by my Mother saying something about burning the house down and blah blah.
I haven't made the nativity scene do inappropriate things to each other, or played, "hide the baby Jesus" somewhere amongst the Christmas decorations. I haven't watched Love Actually a hundred thousand times, or put together a janky Gingerbread house, that ended up half-eaten by the time we had company over.

I haven't adopted a family, or cried while listening to one of those radio shows about people's "Christmas Wishes." I haven't gone to any uncomfortable holiday parties where I have to act like I want to carry on a 45 minute conversation with someone about their dog, and the family members they don't like, who are visiting for the holidays.

The whole joy of picking out Christmas presents and wrapping them with paper covered in snowmen and glittery bows hasn't been a reality for me- actually, I'm not giving any Christmas presents at all this year, thanks to being what most would consider "toeing the poverty line." I've written songs for people and offered to bring cheap bottles of wine and baked goods. And obviously, my innate ability to carry-on a good semi-inappropriate, but festive, conversation at a dinner party.... this is a "gift" don't underestimate it's power my friends.

I'm no Bah-Humbug, I just haven't experienced the same excitement that I usually do.....

When you're little every light in the sky looks like a flash of Rudolph's nose. Every ornament you hang has a memory attached to it....and every full skirt with a satin sash at the waistline feels like something Clara would wear while she did Jete's across the stage. With perfectly pink pointe shoes and perfectly bouncy curls falling down her back.

When you're little the stress of Christmas, or not having enough time to get it all done, just doesn't exist to you. It really is sugarplums dancing in your head.......and I really, really miss that.


HOW DO YOU GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT?






63 comments:

Lisa-Marie said...

I decorate our flat, and make mulled wine and mince pies, and food generally. It seems very sad and grown up, but I buy presents in the first week of Decemeber - less stressful and pretty when placed under the tree!

Also, I go ice-sakting and then get royally drunk with my friends!

Surfergrrl said...

Yup, I'm right there with ya...

Whit said...

I will come sing for you. You'll wish you hadn't asked.

Oh you didn't ask me to sing for you, did you? Well that is how I get in the spirit, so I am no help.

Ashalah said...

Christmas has completely abandonned ship on my end. I'm STILL getting gifts. Hell, I didn't start getting them until two days ago. I baked cookies, I decorated a tree (sort of. I hung 5 ornaments.) and I've listened to christmas music. But nothing!

And yet christmas is like 2 days away.

Laurnie said...

Its so true! The older we get the more Christmas is about running around getting things done. Im trying this year to get into the spirit...I guess my suggestion is drink :) Preferably something with cinnamon and spices in it so you feel all Christmas-y

J. said...

I'm with Laurnie... drinking MUST be involved to get me in the Christmas mood. Although getting ALL of my shopping done yesterday helped push me in the direction of "Christmas Spirit"... and this is the first year that I've bought for the majority of my family, so I feel a little more adult, a little more accomplished. (Until I get that credit card statement in the mail next month...)
Here's to getting into the spirit, on your own time, in your own way!
XOXO

Herding Cats said...

Christmas means a lot of family time for me. It's been nice so far because I've been away from home for months ever since I moved away this past summer. It's really hard for me to celebrate Xmas to the extent I want to....as I am also towing the poverty line. You are not alone!

Miss Angie said...

Oh goodness, I completely agree. This year has been so different!

I am still rushing to et things done.

Julie said...

I get into the spirit by taking in a lot of spirit...which means wine...lots of it. I STILL don't feel like it's Christmas, and it's freaking me out, like Scrooge and the Grinch have stolen my soul...so I guess tonight I'll have to drink some more wine than normal to really try to get into the spirit!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

laurnie- drink is always a good answer

j- oh how I hear ya about the $$$....my statement next month will not be one that I like to see, that's for sure.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

julie- I like this plan.

Melanie's Randomness said...

I agree a 100%. I've been under alot of extra stress so it literally took me to about yesterday to really start feeling the Christmas spirit. Even tho it's been a month it seems like ya blinked and it was over!! Aww I hope you get into the spirit a lil bit.

I'm so with ya too on the Snuggie Movement!! =P

m. said...

i saw SO many people leaving the mall with snuggies this weekend. i guess no one got the memo that it's really just a backwards robe!

Lindsey Lea said...

I am SO with you on many levels. I have a birthday month, too!

And seriously, I feel the exact same way about Christmas this year. We sent out cards that were lovely, I've had 2 fiascoes with 2 different trees which ultimately met their graves in the backyard :(

I don't know...I feel flat, too. I wonder if it's the madness of getting it all done, or the economy as a whole. Who knows?

I will bake cookies in your honor and wish you well!

Jo said...

It makes me sad how, even though we are all (as a nation) in such a financial state, Christmas still seems to be about the gifts. It stresses me out. What eventually (literally last night) got me in the spirit was making gifts for all of my little cousins. My handmade gifts may not be as flashy as the gifts they'll get from the other "adults" in my family, but I had fun making them. And I'll actually feel a different warmth in my heart giving them something with meaning. :)

Doniree said...

Christmas came too fast this year! I've had moments in the spirit, but I think it'll all hit harder when I get out of the city and into my parents house - that's when the festivities begin - the 24/7 music, the 24/7 food and the 24/7 wine... nothing says ho ho ho like a bottle of Champagne and a bag of popcorn right?

Merry Christmas, Chels and Brashman :)

Jules said...

Watch 'Elf' a gazillion times. But it isn't working this year....

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. I'm so horribly depressed right now that I can hardly see straight and I'm getting a tattoo which is the only thing keeping me from medicating myself to my eyeballs.

Normally, though, I'm whistling "Joy To The World" out of my puckered poohole.

I know you're regretting asking me. Heh. LOVE YOU!

Katelin said...

as soon as i decorate and listen to some harry connick christmas i start to feel a little christmassy. add in some 'love actually' and chocolate chip cookies and we're on the right track.

Staschwa said...

"I haven't made the nativity scene do inappropriate things to each other, or played, "hide the baby Jesus" somewhere amongst the Christmas decorations."

Uh, my family played the "That's what she said" at the Easter church service... so I'm thinking that could happen at Christmas as well. Another great tradition to start.

My mom made this fabric Nativity Set when we were kids, and we used to use them like Barbies and leave them in the Barbie house. Recently, one of our dogs hid Baby Jesus, so my brother made a make-shift one. Even though we recovered the original, both now reside in the manger.

I haven't been in the Christmas spirit either, but usually quoting Elf does the trick.

Rasha (andthisiswhatshesaid) said...

I watch Christmas movies! ELF does wonders.

Leah said...

I try to get in the holiday mood for the sake of the kids but it's clearly a case of too much commercialism that makes me so stressed out. I wish we can celebrate Christmas simply like what Jesus wanted in the first place.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

aunt becky- well hugs to you darlin....tattoos do help, usually :)

m.- right? it looks like a robe from church choir. dumb.

lindsey lea- well thanks! I could definitely use some cookies, maybe i'll have to make some in 3d too.

doniree- thanks lovie. You toooo, i think i need to spend some time at home for sure, the spirit live there....for sure.

Ellie said...

Listening to Tripod. They're awesome.

Allison said...

You are just lovely. I adore the way that you write - it's just perfect, and made me laugh so many times.
I get in the holiday spirit by doing exactly what you haven't done - watching Love Actually thousands of times (I can't resist), decorating my tree, and baking cookies! I also love going into New York as much as possible to get into the Christmas-y mood with all the decorations =) While it is definitely a stressful time of year, there are those lovely moments of it all that make it worthwhile!

Kez said...

The last three years I've had the great pleasure of being lucky enough to go on a short holiday before each Christmas...I find it works a treat to be somewhere different where everything feels a bit more magical! Strangely enough, this year I went to Bangkok where they're not even Christian and there was more Christmas spirit there than at home!

JUST ME said...

Spiked egg nog with extra spike.

Genie of the Shell said...

Butter. There is a whole shelf in my fridge stocked with butter like the apocalypse is coming instead of the Savior. I've been uniting butter with sugar in as many ways as I can think of. Butter + sugar + sprinkles is pretty much Christmas to me.

But one year, my husband (before he was my husband) stole a Baby Jesus from a Nativity scene in someone's yard and made a bong out of its head. That seemed to get him in the spirit.

Jill said...

I FAIL when it comes to the holidays this year...

What I've done to get into the spirit is scream obscenities at bad drivers and curse my local Target for not allowing me to purchase shampoo in a timely, organized fashion.

Being little was way more fun...

Bayjb said...

i get into the holiday spirit by drinking heavier than normal and practicing going totally dead inside to criticism. Happy holidays!

Giovanna said...

i am so with you on this. i've been sitting on my arse for the last week laid up with the flu, and i can't believe it's christmas this week! i think i'll try drinking baileys and attempting to bake while listening to some kind of xmas music that doesn't make me want to gag. :)

Kristin Quinn said...

I have yet to get into the Holiday Spirit, so I'm liking that spiked egg nogg idea!

the "L" spot said...

oh my i'm right there with you!

i've not have time to enjoy the holiday until this week...now i'm all about!! come join me in this feeling!!

Caroline said...

I have experienced JOY this Christmas... that is eating BUTTER :)!! Your post made me laugh, and I love that you wrote songs for people. I too, am lucky enough to have the gift of inappropriate dinner language and my 74 year old grandmother really appreciates it... she laughs hysterically with me!!! I hope you enjoy the holidays... and glad you stopped by my blog. xo

Miss Caitlin S. said...

I totally feel this way too! I am not anti-Christmas at all this year but for some reason, I just haven't gotten into it- what's up with that? I have done a few things and I'm trying to do more but here's hoping. I love that you wrote songs and plan on giving the gift of your gab to your loved ones (very Phoebe Buffay of you). Love your posts... lots. :)

http://candyflosspersie.blogspot.com/

Jaime said...

God I couldn't agree more. This Christmas has snuck up on me SO fast that I wish I was a kid again, doing every christmas spirity thing I can think of and painfully counting the days to when I can open my presents. Alas these days the only things that make it feel like Christmas are the ridiculous amounts of traffic, the non-stop christmas music (which, I shamelessly love), and this retardedly cold weather.

michelle said...

seems like everyone's holiday spirit is taking a vacation this year :( i had a xmas movie marathon on saturday, while i baked an obscene number of cookies. maybe that's the problem, you haven't had enough sugar. perhaps some cookies and eggnog are in order :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

genie of the shell-your husband is clearly awesome

just me- um, you and I .....should be drinking that together since you're only 30 minutes away?

Niki B. said...

hahaha amazing post.

CuppyCakes said...

Usually I'm all over Christmas. I enjoy the festivities. New years is my absolute favourite. But this year, I'm working every.single.holiday. which means I'm depressed and down and hating all things festive because it reminds me that I'll be at work. With people I don't like. And not at home with my family.

olivia rae said...

oh so true. i loved reading this, i can so relate this year. just this morning i went to look at our tree because i realized i didn't even know what it looked like! i wish we had more time to spend with family and longer vacations and maybe just a whole season off.

boots said...

I was trying not to get stressed out this christmas as i had loads of things to do that had nothing to do with christmas. but i did take one night to sit alone in my living room and make paper snowflakes. it was so calming.

Morgane said...

i love your writing full of sarcasm and sense of humour!
i 'm quite stress with Christmas but to put me in the mood , i love to prepare ornaments with my children , baking some panetonne ( do you know what is it? a sugared bread with dried fruits) and imagining the delicious "wined" meals we'll share ... But for the moment i wonder if i'm gonna kill my father's wife OR if i wait after christmas ! welcome christmas spirit !

Jaime said...

I hear that! I am like holiday bipolar right now- one minute I'm excited, the next I'm depressed because I am single (bf and I broke up like 2 months ago) and the holidays are a cruel reminder (sometimes more than Valentine's Day) lol. I've decided that next time i break up w/ someone I am stipulating that it be POST holidays lol.

I hope to get more in the spirit tonight because 1) I will be going on a mini xmas vaca- no work til Monday! and 2) I will be making some holiday cookies w/ my mom tomorrow.

Merry xmas eve eve!

jayme said...

besides drinking mass amounts of alcohol, putting all my presents all around me and looking at all my new loot gets me in the holiday spirit. is that shallow?

Melissa said...

This is my husband and my first X-Mas together as a married couple, and he has a son. So we decorated the shit out of our house and have been searching for Christmas-y things to do. I also made all my presents this year and forced myself to send out cards. It worked. I'm stoked about all of it this year.
Also, spiked eggnog helps. =)
I hope you have a great Christmas!

Matt said...

I get into the christmas spirit when I drink too much eggnog and end up cussing and throwing bottles at the tv when Rudolph gets banished to the land of misfit toys because... FUCK THAT. You do not ban Rudolph the red nosed reindeer!!!!

Merry Christmas. Cant wait to see you guys soon!

Jackie said...

I love bacon so!

Miss Eve said...

I love Christmas but I don't love the crazy shopping and traffic in the city before Christmas...I usually get into the Christmas spirit with the music I listening in my car (Diana Krall, Frank Sinatra)...these are my winter favorites...

Wishing you Merry Christmas and a beautiful holiday season, much love: Evi

Amy said...

I kinda feel the same way that you do.. I LOVE christmas-time, and the city is so sparkly, shiny, and happy (not to mention, COLD), but I guess when it comes down to traditions and what-not, I don't bother much anymore... I'm at home, but not "home", so there's no relatives to see, family parties to attend, and gifts to exchange... I guess the only time this year I've felt in "holiday spirit" was when I was addressing Christmas cards, and wrapping presents to send to my sisters... so at least I got that much done! (that was last week, and since then, I've just been using this slow time of the year to relax!)

Julie said...

Haha. Butter=joy. Brilliant.

Holiday spirit=overjoyously, recklessly throwing all my stupid mistakes from this year out the window and getting ready to make brand-new ones in the new year.

Merry Christmas!

Susan said...

I think you should watch A Muppet's Christmas Charol.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

Jamie said...

I loved this post! I'm with you! Although sitting down, with a glass (actually, honest-pants, glass #2) of champagne, Maria's All I Want for Christmas just came on my shuffle and reading your post got me quite into the Christmas spirit! I just plugged in my tree, which helps a little for me. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!!!

Anonymous said...

I can relate to your feelings, this year, in some ways. But, the joy of it all, gets me, at some point each year, whether ,or not; I'm really sparkling with Christmas cheer.This year, you brought it to light, again, with your GIFT! The voice of an Angel, meant to bring joy to the masses! So, thanks for that, and for just being in my already happy life!!!Run with it young girl! You can be a star!

Anonymous said...

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tea for tessa said...

Ha ha ha. I love your blog.

I think the spirit just happens. Right around thanksgiving I get all chipper about holiday shit, until I'm a broke ass regretting those few "gifts" I bought for myself through the month of December.

It's also hilarious you mention Santa toilet seat covers because my mom bought one as a joke (we were throwing the fam party) and when she put it on it kept popping off. Hilarious.

With the snuggie; it's a bunch of shit. Throw your robe on backwards and BOOM! a snuggie.

Brittney said...

LMAO can I just say I bet I'm THAT PERSON who rambles about their dog for 45 minutes? Oh how sad. Oh well, I'll continue cornering people about my dog so long as they continue cornering me with stories about their children?

PS The snuggie is overrated. I got a pink one (squee! I'm girlie like that) for xmas and sadly, it was not microfleece. It was not thick, plush and fantastic as I'd imagined at all. It was like, here kid. Here's your shiesty thin wanna-be softness in a size GIANT.

So you're good to skip out on it. I applaud you.

P said...

I had the same problem - just had too much going on in the run-up to Christmas to really enjoy it. Usually when i start wrapping my presents is when I get in the Christmas spirit but it didn't happen this year unfortunately. I had a good Christmas, but it was over way too fast.

Hope you had a good one! :)

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Christina said...

Listen to the 24 hour Christmas music radio station 24/7. . . drinking a lot. .

Startup Wife said...

Omg, I too am SO against the snuggie movement. They're not comfortable! It's like wearing a robe backwards!

Slash the infomercials are pretty funny.

Nishant said...

I go ice-sakting and then get royally drunk with my friends!

Work from home India

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