Monday, January 11, 2010

I'm fucked up AND AWESOME for a reason people


When I was a toddler my Great Grandma gave me a pin cushion and a Pope doll with a change of robes to play with.

I undressed that Pope like he was my Barbie going to a ball in a hot pink convertible and I organized that pin cushion until that shit was color coded and neatly clustered...never thinking twice that those pins could make me bleed and that the Pope should have been "untouchable."

These were my favorite toys. Thinking back, I wonder if my chances of "getting into heaven" have been diminished after seeing the Pope naked and wondering where his package was. They don't make Pope dolls with packages, they're holy, that's just the way it goes. I learned to amuse myself with sharp things that were dangerous and by making holy things, less holy and fake-feeding them Lays potato chips. I learned how to amuse myself with adult-things.

When I was 9 a tap teacher through a tap shoe at me from across the room and said, "You'll never be a good dancer!!!".....not the thing to say when your Mother owns the fucking dance studio- but the teacher was also deaf. A deaf. tap. teacher. So, naturally I'm thinking, "What the fuck does she know? She can't hear me." I proceeded to get her fired and kick ass at dancing.

When I was 15, awkwardly "in love" flashing my gangly teeth and batting my pale purple eyeshadow at INSERT GENERIC BOY NAME HERE, his friend told me he had a "message" to give me, from him- it went like this, "He thinks you're...how do I say....um. UNBEAUTIFUL." I later went on to realize unbeautiful isn't a fucking word and decided that I'd never, ever let another man think those things about me....if he did, he wasn't worth my time. I'd learn to be funny and sharp...so if he were to cross me, in any way, I'd knock the motherfucker down with charm. I reduced my heartbreak from about 20 to 2. And ditched the purple eyeshadow. If there's anything that'll make you "unbeautiful" it's store brand purple.

When I was 20, in the middle of a full blown eating disorder- looking at myself and loathing every. single. inch. my friend said to me, "Chels, our bodies are constantly changing....you take a sip of water- your body is bigger. You pee- your body is lighter. Your body is never stagnant." A thought that seems so obvious to the normal-thinking-eating-drinking individual, thinks that that statement goes without saying, but to me....the simplicity of it was resounding, in a way that started chipping away at the belief system that was paralyzing me.

Everyone at my dinner table talks at the same time, but I never thought I wasn't being heard. I learned to speak louder and faster. Directly. Everyone always told me I was "talented"....I learned to validate myself by hearing that and if I didn't hear it, suddenly I wasn't good enough.

We see things, we say things- we are grown within things....little. minuscule. things. A sentence here, a Pope doll there. A surrounding that, like a mold, forms this person that we've become.
Then we roll it all into a little ball and we stamp a label, a "storyline"; I'm blah blah, I do this, I'm from here, I work here, I want to.... and so on..... but all these things, are just skimming the surface of the little things that created your character.

But life, doesn't have time for "tell me about your character." Job interviews don't have time for "tell me why you have the temperament that you do...?"

The mold where we hold our "character" doesn't stop shifting- the "suitcase is closed" as some would say once we're an adult, but not if we don't want it to be.

Insecurities are reversible. They can be worked through....with time, effort. Decision to do so. My Love has made me better; he's lessened my temper, he's opened my eyes to my defense mechanisms that only harm me....that keep me from growth and from greatness. Yoga has made me better, I can be a crazy bitch...and yoga says, Chels- chill out with ego sister.

Whatever we put into our body, our thoughts, our words, our images comes out, or sticks in some way. It shapes us and molds us. The things people are saying to you and the things you're saying to people are doing the same thing..... your surroundings, your friends- we're all consciously, or perhaps unconsciously creating each other's lives.

All that to say....I should really stop watching so much Jersey Shore and making jokes about killing a person, it doesn't reflect well on my psyche.



WHAT HAS SOMEONE SAID TO YOU THAT "SHAPED YOU??"











143 comments:

Patty Ann said...

I knew I was still up at 3 am for a reason...

Funny, I also grew up a dancer and my jazz teacher for four years has (almost) single handedly shaped who I am today. She was mean as shit and I am fairly certain that I hated her at the time but turns out, she knew what she was doing because I constantly hear her voice in the back if my brain. She was one of those teachers who gave you life lessons everytime you went over choreography and I won't ever forget them. Great freaking post Chelsea.

LovelyAnomaly said...

My track coach was harder on me than any other member of my team. I finally broke down and asked him why he gave me such a hard time.

"You have this fire within you, [Lovely]. A lot of potential. I'm just trying to get it out of you."

My self-esteem wasn't always the greatest. My high school boyfriend once told me, "You've been seeing your face in the mirror for 17 years. Of course you're bored with it. I'm just now getting to see it, and it's beautiful."

Potential. Beauty. Two things I try to remind myself that I possess every day.

Diane said...

Oh, I remember things that were so unimportant to the people that said them... That had really influenced me. Like when I was like 9 or ten, I wrote a think, a short story and I asked my mom to type it on the computer and she said she wouldn't because it was no good. Since then I've been wanting to write a lot and I've kept diaries and wrote some stuff during time, but I never show it to anybody cause I'm afraid they'll say is no good...I know it's silly, but that's the fact...

Thanks for this awesome post!

kiss!

Kez said...

AWESOME POST!!!

When I was really young, I heard a friend say that I wasn't pretty but I wasn't ugly. I made a vow to never be "blah" again and overcompensated with being all indie and "different" for a long time.

I also had really loud, overbearing (but fun) friends whose shadows I stood in each day in primary (elementary) school. I learnt that the only way to not be seen as quiet or wallflower like, was to speak over them, the way they did with each other. I sang songs loudly with them in choir, I talked loudly at social gatherings or in the school yard.

Now I get in trouble for interrupting and speaking over my loved ones too often.

Amazing those little things and how they make us who we are for better or for worse.

Nahl said...

"You're not enough".
-Dad.

Jules said...

That is a wonderful way of looking at it..."our bodies are never stagnant."

CuppyCakes said...

Every single one of the 'popular' girls I went to high school with. Because they made my life hell, threatened me constantly, and made me feel about an inch tall. I give them credit for pretty much ruining any chance I had at liking myself completely.

A Diary of Lovely said...

That's why I love reading you! You made me go through old memories and kind of ditch them at the same time :)
Can't stop reading you!
PS: I ditched ballet probably because I hated the teacher I she said something negative, I should have done like you! Now I might have been a prima ballerina! ha! probably not but still :)

Alice in Wonderland said...

I used to do hurdles a lot when I was younger, but then some girl kicked me, and she was wearing running spikes at the time! That put a dint in my confidence for a while, but I still went on to do hurdling for the county!

Staley Mc said...

Love this post!

Buddy Frost said...

I have no idea why I enjoy reading about your lunatic chick experiences but I do... so good job.

madelyn said...

My aunt told me that I'll "always have a weight problem." What 55 year old woman says that to a 20 year old?

Melissa said...

I seriously look forward to every one of your posts. I needed this one today. Thank you.

Tia said...

Great post-
When I was younger my mom told me I wouldn't make it through life based on my looks alone. It gave me the push to get an education and find a husband who loved me for whats inside, not just the outside.

Nina said...

Your wit and your humor are the bomb! Please keep on writing forever!

My ballet teachers all believed in me ... That's why I now return the favor and do the same thing for my ballet students.

Great post, as always!

daisychain said...

Fucking hell, I could have written this pretty much word for word.

Emily Jane said...

GREAT post. Just this past Christmas did I come to the realisation that I didn't have to become the product of my past. I've gone through eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and been told basically my whole life by my mother than I'm "not good enough", along with a couple of long-term relationships in my late-teens-early-twenties involving said beaus running off to Taiwan to break up with me and another stealing thousands of dollars from me, getting into drugs and physically abusing me. You could say I was destined to live a failed existence fully believing everything I was ever told - I'm NOT good enough, nobody cares, etc. But you're totally right - everything lies in the DECISIONS you make as to how to live your life. Only in this past year have I come to terms with the fact that my upbringing and past, horrible experiences do not have to determine my future, and as hard as it is to shake self-doubts and impressions of yourself that have been engrained over a very long time - it's totally possible. Just make the decision to change everything you don't like, and live like the person you want to be. And it's 100% do-able.

LOVED this post. :)

Nicole said...

Brilliant fucking post.

When I was young my divorced parents were fighting downstairs and I was listening out of sight (of course). My mom asked my dad what i was worth to him and he spouted off whatever amount he paid monthly in child support without skipping a beat.

That shit will shape a 7 year old pretty damn quick.

Shannon said...

You seriously have a way with words...

I missed you!

That question is something I'll have to sit on for a bit, because honestly I've never really thought about it.

Ari said...

Awesome post! Oddly enough my grandmother and I had a discussion along these lines on Friday. I've spent the last 20yrs. in abusive relationships - and now that I'm finally out and in a healthy one, I definitely see how my past experiences effect my responses to situations now.

The thing someone said to me that affected me the most: "If you were a boy, I'd pay more attention to you."

Cat said...

hahahaha I love your wit! You have some great stories! :)

xoxo,
Cat

Herding Cats said...

As a teacher, I really try to keep this concept in mind. Kids REALLY listen to what they are told, and (for the most part) believe it. It is so, so important to give positive reinforcement and believe in youth.

I remember my sixth grade teacher told me I had a "math block." I'm not sure that I did, but I accepted being in the lowest math group for the rest of my education because she told me this.

Liya said...

beautiful post...i've been inspired by so many words of wisdom from my parents, but something that always stuck with me was the quote "this too shall pass"

myglitteringcreation.blogspot.com

tea for tessa said...

This was a perfect post. I loved it. Your eating disorder hits home. Something that someone said to me when I had my eating disorder was "Tessa, you used to have this glow about you--and you've really lost your glow." That made me think twice about a lot. I didn't want to lose who I was to a fucking eating disorder.

My love has also made me see that just because I don't know something, that doesn't make me stupid, I'm just not informed on the subject or don't specialize in it. He also does his best to not make me feel fucking stupid when he's explaining the technical works of a computer/TV/camera etc.

I'm glad we take our memories and see how they've molded us. It's so important to see how we got to where we are today.

Nikki said...

Sadly it's the not so nice things said that has shaped my insecurities. The nice things, only make me strive for further validation. Why is the world this way?

V. said...

My parents have told me that they feel I've truly been shaped only after I moved out of the house. I think that the change of place was exactly what I needed, and living abroad has done wonders for my personal growth. But what I particularly remember is when my mom said that she is continuously astonished that I was able to change more in one year than I was in 18 years.

Lovely post as always.

Julie said...

I'm with you on the yoga=less psycho tendencies. The Pope doll made me die laughing....Love this post

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

I had a drill team coach that was the devile. Seriously, the devil. I danced for 15 years and when I graduated high school and drill team was over, I quit dancing. She ruined it for me and it was the one thing I really did well. I still see her out every now and then and literally leav emeals untouched, run out of nail salons and crawl out of shoe stores. She really messed me up.

T said...

My ex, Cowboy, definitely shaped who I am today. After being told, weekly and sometimes daily, all the things I could NOT do and could NOT accomplish, I stopped believing in myself. I finally realized that I stored all those No's inside of me and they've made me stronger. Now I can say, yes I can do that and the No's can't touch me anymore.

Julie said...

Thanks! I needed this today. Really. Insecurities are reversible! What a great line!

Amanda Blair said...

I needed a post like this. I'm going through some shit and I'm trying so hard to let it bring me down. Because you're right it's all about where you choose to be and what you choose to affect you. Thank you for the reminder.

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

So many things that people have said echo in my mind, but you're right---insecurities are reversible. I love that my 7th grade English teacher told me I was a "shitty writer" and "should never think I was actually going to do it" and discouraged me from becoming an English major/teacher. Ummm, pretty sure I write and teach English now, and dammit, I'm good at both. Love this post, friend.

Kendall said...

When I was 15, I had an English teacher who I was convinced was the Devil. No matter how much I edited something, for her it was nowhere near good enough. I had her again for English my senior year and the same thing happened. Few days before graduating, I asked her why.

She looked me square in the eye and told me that she had found a journal of mine I had lost and forgotten about the first time in her class. Also that judging by what she read there that I could do so much better if I just let the words come.

She is the reason why I am a teacher.

Randi Lee said...

I have two!

One, instead of telling me everything would be ok, and to take my time and do what I feel is right... someone finally (metaphorically) slapped me in the face and said, "Randi, I've always thought of you as being such a smart girl who had everything together, but what are you doing right now? You're being an idiot..."

and the other... from someone I respect dearly:

"You keep telling me that you're not happy with this particular situation in your life... but you're not doing anything to change it. Either do some thing to change it, or stop complaining about it..."

Ams said...

It's funny because I was having this EXACT conversation last night with my best friend.
I was irritate because I was repeating back to her some of the things that my dad said to me... ummmm... last night that are STILL shaping me.
Fuck off dad... I am almost 30 I don't need your shit.

So yah, great post. We've all been there...

Matt said...

I think its only a sin of the doll of the pope was anatomically correct.

at least thats what I think, anyhow.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Insecurities are reversible. They can be worked through....with time, effort. Decision to do so."

Yes, it takes a conscious and driven decision to change things in your life. I think my biggest motivation is when someone tells me I CANT do something. I set out on a path to prove them wrong.

I liked the story about when you were 15. I could really relate to that one.

Steph said...

My friend once told me "I don't know why you're getting so worked up, everything always works out in the end." I just sat there, blinking at her. "Oh", I thought, "you're right." It's the simplest concepts that give me my epiphany. Not sure whether that comes from being overly analytical or being overly complex...probably both...

Shibby said...

Love this post =)
I am so glad I found your blog it's so inspirational and amazing!

Shannon of ** Happiness Is...** said...

I really love that quote by your friend about how our bodies are constantly changing. That is so true and not something we even think about until someone points it out. I had a few too many friends with eating disorders that I wish I could have told that to them. Another fabulous post my friend! xo

Spatzi said...

i love the fact that not only the IDEA of the post, but the examples in and of themselves, were a unique perspective on life and enperience. thanks for keeping our minds open! <3

Thunderroad79 said...

I remember in my late teens coming across the idea of self awareness - myself - who I was - not connected to any thing or idea. It sounds simple, but really coming to learn who I was and appreciating myself was a new concept for me at 17 years old. I don't remember exactly what someone said - I just remember the moment - sitting in my "church" - not feeling anything that was being poured into my head.

BeckEye said...

This probably isn't inspirational at all, but when I was in high school I was getting in trouble all the time for skipping. I think I still hold the truancy record at school. Teachers and the principal were constantly on my back, telling me I'd never have a future, blah blah blah. So, they made me go see my guidance counselor and he said, "You just can't wait to get to college, right?" And I smiled and nodded. He said, "Yeah, you'll be fine." And I was. And so was college.

Rolerkite said...

You're like a wise Rabbi today

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

patty ann- thanks dear! I've had many a teacher like that

lovelyanomaly- girl- that's for your DM last night ;)

diane- oh, i understand this feeling definitely....start showing them to people lady!

kez- arg, those bitches...ive had people say that too, what a "Friend" eh.

nahl- hugs sister.. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH

jules- thanks! mine certainly isnt right now, i'm eating some taco belllllll

cuppycakes- fuck the mean girls, you're brilliant.

diary- thank you!!! Sometimes its good to sift through the old shit.

alice- in your confidence and probably your shin! OUCH!

staley- thank you!

buddy- HAHA... there aren't many men who give a shit about my girly bs, so thanks mr ;)

madelyn- a mean one. :)

melissa- thank you!!!

tia- i love that, your Mom was a smart woman

nina- thank you! I won't stop writing, promise!

daisychain- fist bump :)

emily jane- are we the same person????

nicole- yes it will.....its a matter of realizing when we're adults that just cause its what we heard, doesn't make it true.

shannon- thanks! I do promise to blog more this year!

ari- cheers to you for being with someone you deserve now :)

cat- thanks lady!

herding cats- man, i had a teacher say that to me once too and I can seriously. NOT. ADD. I'd like to blame her.

liya- I say that one to myself all the time

tea for tessa- OMG, I had someone tell me once "you've lost the sparkle in your eye".....that hit me in the heart SO HARD. I worked everyday trying ot get that sparkle back...i think i have now.

NIKKI- true, bad things stick....i think we as people need to be ebtter about remembering the good things too

v- i think i experienced the same thing

JULIE- I iwish i had a picture of the pop doll to show you all!

dezzy- i'll jump her for you. lol.

t- i LOVE THAT. You're a strong lady.

julie- thank you!!

amanda- you're welcome lady, hugs to you.

amy- DAMN STRAIGHT YOU ARE!!!! :)

kendall- loved this story :)

randi- we always need a good friend to tell us were being an idiot sometimes.

ams- it mustve been in the air!

matt- DUDE, GOOD POINT.

meleah- i love that, me too, me too.

steph- i have to remind myself of this all the time,

shibby- thank you love!!!

shannon- I've had to recylce that to friends too and actually, to myself from time to time. and thank you :)

spatzi- THANK YOU!

thunderroad- i think even as adults we have to remind ourselves of "self awareness"...it's easy to forget, funny enough.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

beckeye- I was sent to the counseler, ALL THE TIME. laaaame

rolerkite- I try, I try.

Heather Rose said...

There's just so much. I grew up in a verbally/physically abusive home. I heard a lot of things no child should ever hear. Things that shaped me to be afraid and ashamed of who I was.

I can't even type them, but thank you for not only writing to share, but for asking.

E said...

Wow, I really needed to read that today. Someone told me today that I was not their type, basically because I am fat. It was quite a blow even though I am not interested in them that way and I already HAVE a boyfriend. But he was my friend and we laugh and joke and always have a good time so it still hurt.

Thanks for reminding me to not let this define me. I am so much more than the size of my waist!

Jaki said...

at some point we all had gnarly teeth and purple eye shadow. its alright girl me too hahah :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

heather- hugs....thanks for commenting and being willing to share a piece :)

e- fuck yes you are sister!

jaki- oh man, you dont even know.

san said...

Growing up with a twin sister who was much more out-going and adventurous than I was, I always stayed in her shadow for most of my teenage years.
It's kind of tough to step out of that shadow and realize that you're just as beautiful, smart and lovable as your popular sister!

walkingonsunshine18 said...

Unbeautiful... you're right, poor grammar and rude!

*uncorked said...

Oh geez. What a story. I was once told by a guy friend that "no guy actually wants to marry you. They just want to sleep with you. You're like the fantasy mistress." This sparked an idea and I wrote a book. Well, two chapters of a book that are sitting in a storage locker somewhere, but it got me thinking and writing and I've been happier ever since.

Hiding Myself From Me said...

The Pope's package ! Love it ... Excellent Post !

Elizabeth Marie said...

"Nobody cares what you say, Liz. They only care about how you look."

Particularly painful lately. I wish I had something positive to say.

On a positive note-your email is FULL. Well at least the one I tried when I got your comment. How the hell am I supposed to get all crazy excited for you about you audition, etc?! I will find other ways to stalk. :)

Katelin said...

my dad told me how proud of me he was when i decided to go to college in ohio (because no one in my entire extended family) had left california for college if they'd even gone. and that made me appreciate everything little thing about college and what i took out of it and what i'm doing now. i know my parents are proud and they're support of me (even when i freaked out about getting C's) made me all that much better.

christi said...

one word for this post : brilliant. ok and funny, too. so that's two words!

A Taste of T said...

This is my first read of your blog and I about peed myself. You are funny. I'm going to follow your Pope touching self on Twitter now.

Cheryl said...

"I BELIEVE WE WOULD TOOOO!!!!! someday. someday."

Totally shaped my life.

Years ago, someone said I was fat, and the next thing I know, I'm a 8 year diet.

Prippy Handbook said...

I consider Snookie the sage of The Jersey Shore.

Fantastically wonderful post all around.

Cait said...

Not necessarily on purpose, my mother preaches that each and every problem or issue that I have is almost explicitly my fault. Which means that no matter what happens to me, no matter how unexpected or out-of-the-blue or COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL, I did something to cause it.

She also once told me that she was the only one who believed in me anymore in an argument where she was trying to get me to see why I should listen to her. All that did was make me doubt every family member and feel incredibly guilty for all the disappointment people felt about me.

sarah said...

this is an amazing post! and really hit home for me in some spots. thank you.

sarah said...

and i wish i had had a friend to tell me "our bodies are never stagnant." that is a damn good friend you have there.

Ali said...

I don't know how it is that everything you write about manages to resound perfectly with me Chelsea but somehow, some way...it does.

confessionsofaperfectionist said...

Love this and love you. My grandma always made me feel like I was some sort of creative genius in every conversation we had so deep down everything I do is to make her proud. Good thing is that's not hard to do :)

angela.kolachny said...

this seriously just made my day:o) hahaha love it

TizzieLizzie said...

That was awesome, I totally agree it's those little stories and quirks like that that make us who we are (how much I wish I could explain some of those things in interviews!) Thanks for the note about my attempt at knitting! What have you tried? (www.impandarn.com)

pen.ny said...

You....are already a favorite of mine...I just love someone who can write well:)

What has someone said to me that shaped me?

I think some of the most profound things can come from our parents.

My own mother gives me enough tough love and sincere love to last a lifetime. It makes me feel fulfilled and empty all at the same time. Tough love. In the end I think it matters not what she said, just that she gives it. There is some kind of courage in that and it makes her a strong woman. She knows what's right and she will fight for it.

Sometimes she doesn't even need to say anything at all to shape me, she is so strongly fierce herself that her actions alone shape me all by themselves.

So. so. happy to be a new reader.

Brittany said...

I just read the comment you left on my blog about the raven's game and actually laughed out loud. you're a funny girl :) I like random comments like that haha Thanks!

Holly said...

I have a friend that I have known since Jr. High. We reconnected on Facebook and she has amazing intuition and has a wonderful spirit about her. She is helping me realize so many things about my life and how I handle situations.
Holly @ 504 Main and Hip Weddings

Kat said...

This is such a great post.... I love the variety of memories and how they all come together into one whole . You've given me a lot to think about :)

Karls said...

Whilst at the Doc's for a check up, during my early teens/tweens, my Mum and Doc dropped a bombshell on me.

'What the fuck? I have a third nipple? Can I get it removed?',

To which the arsehole Doc replied, 'Well, you can... but I wouldn't bother unless you're going to be a swimwear or underwear model... and there's clearly not much chance of that happening, now is there!'

Ouchie-wa-wah!

Poppy Gets a Life said...

Like @Herding Cats, I was put into the "slower" maths group in primary school. This affected me for a while, until I realised that she was just focussing on one area - my times tables. I am still crap at basic multiplication, but I went on to university to study engineering. And I aced it, thank you very much Ms Shannon.

Candice said...

I believe this is my favorite post you've ever written, Chelsea. You're one hell of a gal! And a deaf tap-dancing teacher? Amazing.

Samantha said...

incredible post! loved it... so glad to read your blog.

i had a writing teacher in college tell me that i was totally on the right track to become the next Danielle Steele or Nora Roberts... i almost died from embarassment, and did everything i could to write in the opposite direction...haha. at least he was honest ;)

Amy said...

An ex told me "it's a shame that your face is wasted on such a roly-poly body." Hellooooooooooo fucked up self esteem.

In grade five, my homeroom teacher wrote on a short story I'd written, "You should write every day to practice your craft. A talent like yours is not to be wasted." One of the nicest compliments I have ever received to this day.

rachel said...

you know, as sick and morbid as this is going to sound... i don't think anything has ever stuck with me like this has. my grandmother once told me that we're all going to die. yup. that's what changed me.

it doesn't matter how scared you are to try something new. do it. it doesn't matter if it ends bad. you're going to die anyway. sort of profound. haha.

Wendy said...

A friend of mine once told me that I have a light in me that shines that people respond to. Whenever I'm feeling shitty, I think about that and it makes me feel better.

Jay Ferris said...

You forgot "weird" and "nerdy".

LiLu said...

"Yellow's not your color."

Thanks, Grandma.

Nuit said...

Oh sweetie what a great blow! I am following!!!! thanks for your visit! x

kwerk said...

My parents said awesome stuff to me all the time...as did a few other relatives, boyfriends, & people along the way. I'm gonna have to sit down & think of those things that did that now...very thought provoking.

Prippy Handbook said...

I had a field hockey coach torture me and say I wasn't a good enough athlete to play...

Let's just say I stopped playing field hockey with her crappy coaching and started rowing. I made the Junior National Team a year later. I made sure she felt like an ass.

Phoenix said...

Goddamn your blog is a thing of beauty...

I was slowly being edged out of my theater department as the pariah who couldn't act her way out of a paper bag and had too many issues. But every time a professor sat me down and told me why I wasn't good enough or why I'd never make it...I got tougher.

Out of my graduating class of theater majors, I am one of about three people to still be auditioning and making money acting.

Fuck 'em. Learn to grow what others try to kill, my dear.

Sarah said...

A "family counselor" who pointed his finger at me and blamed me for my sister's eating disorder and depression. I've never learned not to feel guilty about the way she lives her life.

I suppose I should balance that with something positive... There was this book Blue Like Jazz. I read it right after I read Eat Pray Love. Those two things coupled with a dear friend admitting that her life seemed to mirror mine in difficulty at the time equaled a serious turning point towards a happier, more well adjusted me. Yay.

the "L" spot said...

oh the pope doll...

i've always been told not to be too attached and take everything so personal which made me even more attached to everything!!

Ashley @ Germato.com said...

My barbies used to have sex all the time. All over. Barbie dream house? Check. Corvette? Check. Lincoln Log House? You bet.

My last boyfriend called me fat. A lot. And I was maybe 10lbs overweight. Never lost the weight when I was with him, probably just to spite him, but I lost it all shortly after I met who is now my fiance.

Heather Rose said...

You've got an award waiting for you over at my place. ^_^

Ashley E.S. said...

88 comments! now heres 89! how the heck can i get this kind of following????????

Margarita said...

A boy in the third grade told me if I lost 5 pounds I'd be prettier, his friend said I was hot the way I was, but I didn't care about him. This was third grade.

Fifth grade a boy looked at my arm hair and exclaimed that I had a lot of it. That night I shaved my arms and came back to school hairless. Grade FIVE.

In the sixth grade a boy told me I looked good in red.

I have many more stories. But I think they're all the same. I validate myself on what BOYS think of me because of the shite relationship with my father.

Now I'm getting tres deep on YOUR blog. hmmm... maybe I should've made this an anonymous comment.

Glitter Scrubs said...

where does one acquire a pope doll?!

... i'm still waiting for the sentence that is going to shape me one day.

Miss Caitlin S. said...

Great post, love, love, love it as usual. Especially "then I realized unbeautiful isn't a f*cking word" hahah. But I do love purple eyeshadow, gotta say I like to wear it quite a bit on nights out- but it's not store brand- so some points for that??

EP said...

I love this post so, so much because it's incredibly true.

My grandmother once told me to not live with any regrets and to not worry about the people who didn't matter. That has stuck with me since then and got me through some really rough times.

It's funny how someone can say something that can easily shape who we are.

iheartkiwi said...

it's funny how we always remember the hurtful things and tend to forget the really wonderful things people have said over the years...

i love that my husband thinks i am smart enough to try out for jeopardy and beautiful enough to be on the cover of a magazine. it's nice to know there is someone who loves you inside and out.

p.s. when i was little i would have killed for a pope doll... are you kidding me? that is awesome!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

the "l" spot and iheartkiwi- GUYS, CATHOLIC STORE. Go get your pope doll today. They've got 'em lol

Hater Von G said...

My ex husband said "No one will ever love you like I have."

It was then I realized he never loved me.

hiphophippie.com said...

Great, great shit. Touches that soft spot of the heart as.

My 5th grade teacher told me I couldn't sing. Scarred me for years. But then when I was in college I took opera voice coaching and had to sing, by myself, in an auditorium of 1400.

I puked before I got on stage, but I did it.

Suck that 5th grade teacher.

Meg said...

Love this post - just found your blog and it's genius.

The other day I had an insecurity meltdown in my typical fashion and lashed out at my wonderful, patient and loving boyfriend.

He looked me in the eyes and said:

"I adore you and I'm more than willing to take a few knocks on the chin but I will NOT be your punching bag."

I was speechless. No one has ever stood up to me like that. Stopped me right in my tracks and made me realize I was messing with a great thing.

Kellie said...

I adore this post.

That's a hard question to mull over though! I'd say the number one shaping thing in my life.. what made me grow up, and move on from my immaturity.. was when my best friend looked at me so uncaringly when I was crying and wanted her to stay and talked to me. She walked away.

Since then, I'm amazing at being able to tell a good person from a bad person. I'm just a different person. It was subtle, but life changing.

Ashley said...

you are freaking amazing! after reading this I want you to be my new best friend. haha

T. said...

This post caught my eye because it really reminded me of a time when I was trying to choose between two film topics for a class in college. I complained that one of them scared me because it would be more humiliating if I failed than the other one, so she said (sternly): "I'm ordering you to do the harder one. Always do the thing you fear most." Since then, I have made my life very difficult by always taking the harder path, but I've also learned a lot more and gained more because of those risks.

Elle said...

Ah, the days when you could throw a shoe across the room at a student and not get fired for it, haha. In all seriousness, though, I've been told two things that have seriously altered my way of thinking. The first is "without the bitter, the sweet ain't as sweet." Pretty self-explanatory, but so very hard a pill to swallow when you're going through the bitter. The second was "beliefs are worth dying for."

E said...

But you CANNOT stop watching Jersey Shore!! It's JUST TOO GOOD! JS aside, I've always been a bit goofy and I've heard a million things in regards to that quality that hurt my feelings at one point or another, but I guess getting older has made me embrace that and now I kind of love it (like, totally sappy, I know).

Macaron Treats ♥♥ said...

This a great post. Really just amazing! You are a very charming and talented writer =D

Someone once said to me - You are the result of your own boredom.

I will never let myself get so bored I mess up life so simple entertainment
xx

Jill said...

Thank you oh so much for your lovely words...

One of my kick-ass-empowering-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar theatre mentors handed me this fine pearl...

"When God closes a door he opens a window? NO. When God closes a door, you kick the fucking door down!"

floreta said...

BADASS that you got a teacher fired!!

"The things people are saying to you and the things you're saying to people are doing the same thing..... your surroundings, your friends- we're all consciously, or perhaps unconsciously creating each other's lives."

This is beautiful!

What has someone said that's shaped me? Hmm that is a profound question and I can't think of anything atm..

ok, i have one. but it's not really specific, it's more of a thought or feeling. but my teacher encouraged me by saying i was a good designer; i have TALENT. and that basically, i will go places. he saw that i was shy, quiet, and held back but he SAW underneath that MY POTENTIAL. and i really really want to thank him because i finally see my potential blooming and acknowledging my potential in myself.. i just don't know how to say it right. you know? it's like i want to write him a letter but i've been stuck for how to say "thank you" in 500wordsorless even though I'm a goddamn writer. sigh.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

woah, that post was really something!

Kate said...

What a great post and I love the way it all shapes you.

I think the best thing someone said to me is stop being such a control freak - if you make a mistake then it is already in the past move on and don't obsess.

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Damsels said...

that is so hilarious pope doll ,

i dont know that ive ever heard or been told something that has had a tremendous effect on who i ma .. but i oculd be wrong .. it makes me wonder , i'll get back to you on this

nicoleantoinette said...

"Not every guy is worth breaking your heart for."

Lexie said...

when i was a senior in high school, i worked at the GAP and had the greatest boss ever. she was from flint, michigan, tiny and absolutely GORGEOUS .. she didnt take crap from ANYONE. we worked retail, so obvs we had to be polite, but she really taught me that you CANNOT take shit from people. you have to draw a hard line and not let anyone talk down to you or make you feel less than them.

Couture Cookie said...

Kudos for getting that teacher fired. What a stupid bitch!

I have received so much verbal shit over the years that I've become pretty numb to all sorts of it... it's a good feeling!

Tom. said...

That poor Popedoll. You're going to purgatory to be bored for all eternity.

sarah said...

love this post!

just stopping by to let you know there's an award with your name on it on my blog! come see and have a great day! xoxo, sarah

Lindsay [Bella Cene'] said...

I love this post! You are so real and just know it's very much appreciated here!

I love your blog and you definitely came through about the part where you would get sharp with wit (etc). It shows!

Keep it up. We love you just the way you are!

sassythesecretsocialist said...

When I was in high school, I used to go pick up a friend every morning before classes. She was always kind of snotty and rude, but one day she said something that really pushed me over the edge. It was something it regards to me appearance..that the shirt I was wearing made me look fat, and wasn't the right color either, or something. I promptly told her that not only was I not giving her rides anymore, but that our friendship was over. I told her off for being a conceited, stuck-up b*itch and told her I could do better. She said that just because she doesn't wear baggy sweatshirts and chipped nail polish to school (like me) that it doesn't mean she's conceited. Ouch.

In two different ways, this "friend" helped me out. She made me realize that I don't need people in my life who are just going to make me feel down all the time. She also made a good point about taking pride in your personal appearance. 6 years later, I do take more care in my apperance, but I also take more care in who I chose as a friend.

Even the people who get you down can build you up in some way in the end.

You Are My Fave said...

I had no idea there was a pope doll. That's slightly weird. I guess not as weird as a Jesus doll.

Tink in My Closet said...

That is a good question... Can you believe I can't even think of a thing... That concerns me a lot!

我 moi said...

lovely blog :) great post :) happy new year to you :) !

"Someone out there is having an embaressing moment too."

No One Reads The Copy said...

Probably about 10. At a birthday party. The birthday girl's older brother and his friends were there playing basketball. I was scared of boys so I was avoiding them at all costs, but the brother noticed me and said, "Hey Ugly, I'm going to make this shot for you." I still hate him. Great post, btw. Related to a lot of it.

Karen said...

Wow, that 'unbeautiful' thing cuts deep! Stupid boy.

This was a great post!!!

Anonymous said...

nice read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one learn that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.

Jenny DB said...

Dear Chelsea,

Thank you for an awesome post. That is all.

Love,

Jenny DB

Jenny DB said...

Oh, and I had my gymnastics coach Roberta tell me when I was 7 I would never make it to Level 6 because I was terrible at Bars.. except she didn't say it that nicely. Well I didn't get her fired, but I did make it much farther than Level 6, and after every meet I would smile, not smirk, at her. She was a nasty nasty woman's, and I just trust that Karma's a bitch and leave it at that.

Marz said...

I LOVE the tap teacher story, really funny!
People always thought that I had no direction in life and that I had no motivation. But I'm graduating with high distinction from the best university in my country :p So sucks for them!
-Marz

Kara Witham said...

When I was 15, I babysat 2 little girls and I also worked at Hardee's.

The little girls' mother asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up, and they said, "We want to work at Hardee's like Kara (me)."

This announcement made me appreciate plastic balls pits. (Since this was the reason they wanted to work at Hardee's, to play in the playland, especially the pit of plastic balls).

Interesting thread.

Anonymous said...

A boy once told me "I want to be the man that captivates you." And I've been haunted by that statement ever since.

AbbieBabble said...

My favorite toy growing up was a plastic rosary. I LOVED that thing.
I have been fortunate in my life- while it hasn't all been sunshine and roses, the grownups around me have, for the most part, always been supportive. I'm a lucky lucky girl.

The Pittman's said...

ps, i have a new blog

www.thepittmanshow.blogspot.com

Thanh Lu said...

I love this post. It's great! I like your tell it like it is tonality!

I think in answer to your question, when someone said I couldn't do something, and so I did...don't know if that's the best way to go but it has always lead me towards some adventures.

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Anna said...

My very good friend has taught me how to communicate with someone. Now I need to apply that lesson to everyone else in my life.

Breezy said...

Wow.
That post was so amazing, I have been slacking on my blog-following but I'm glad I'm getting my shit together! Really amazing, funny, and true.

I remember back in middle school/early high school when I was just realizing my passion for fashion (read: take WAY too long to get ready) my dad would be so annoyed when I finally surfaced, dressed, from the basement. He would always roll his eyes and be like, "Brianna, it's not like Teen Vogue/Seventeen/Nylon is going to be at the (insert destination here)"

And yet every freaking time he said that, in my head, I was like dad, you never know, dad, the day I don't dress to go out could be the day Teen Vogue IS there.

I still think about that sometimes when I second-guess myself after an hour of closet-rummaging.

Kuddos,

Breezy
www.breezycyb.blogspot.com

repliderium.com said...

I read a line in a book- years ago- something about the look of pain and total shock after he kicked someone- the line ended with "I suddenly realized that I can choose to harm or good.
For some reason, it's stuck with me- that fact that I get to choose.

Joy @ BigTimeFancy said...

My mom told my grandma once (when I was like, 7) that my sister was the "sweeter child".

Cue a bunch of years of hating my sister before wising up and deciding to be less of a bitch all the time.

Shibby said...

I've given you an award =)
Shibby's Thoughts

Dasha said...

A Pope doll with a change of robes? Well, now I've heard of it.

As for your question, well, I'm an Aspie, so, embarrassing social situations have always been part of my life. I just don't know the right way to act around people, unless I've been in a similar situation a few times before (wait, make that a hundred times before). This really added to my anxiety and self-consciousness whenever I was outside my head. What helped me lead a more relaxed life and enjoy socializing a great deal more was my boyfriend telling me that the reason why I remember all those things I thought I did wrong is because they happened to me. Something rather different happened to the other people, even if they were there. Don't know if that makes sense, but it made a difference to me in the way I perceive social situations.

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bathroom lighting said...

My grandma influenced me alot. I make a lot of decisions based on what she taught me.

{ Persis Shah } said...

amazing post!

i confess to never having read such a long article completely on any blog. i usually skim through most articles but your posts demand my complete attention.

im awestruck by your "about me" section, your posts and you!

can't wait to read more of your wonderfully written posts!

~ persis.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm.. My sweet Daddy once told me that I was more beautiful than my own Mother....And, much dumber..And, that was not a good thing!!!!

Anonymous said...

My first tap dancing teacher told me that I was really incredible, at tap. He got me into Las Vegas show, and I wasn't yet 18..so my parents refused to let me go!!!So, of course, I blamed them for making me miss my first shot!!!! They didn't care. Lol!!! All good lessons though.

Anonymous said...

Amanda, LOL??

 
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