When I was a toddler my Great Grandma gave me a pin cushion and a Pope doll with a change of robes to play with.
I undressed that Pope like he was my Barbie going to a ball in a hot pink convertible and I organized that pin cushion until that shit was color coded and neatly clustered...never thinking twice that those pins could make me bleed and that the Pope should have been "untouchable."
These were my favorite toys. Thinking back, I wonder if my chances of "getting into heaven" have been diminished after seeing the Pope naked and wondering where his package was. They don't make Pope dolls with packages, they're holy, that's just the way it goes. I learned to amuse myself with sharp things that were dangerous and by making holy things, less holy and fake-feeding them Lays potato chips. I learned how to amuse myself with adult-things.
When I was 9 a tap teacher through a tap shoe at me from across the room and said, "You'll never be a good dancer!!!".....not the thing to say when your Mother owns the fucking dance studio- but the teacher was also deaf. A deaf. tap. teacher. So, naturally I'm thinking, "What the fuck does she know? She can't hear me." I proceeded to get her fired and kick ass at dancing.
When I was 15, awkwardly "in love" flashing my gangly teeth and batting my pale purple eyeshadow at INSERT GENERIC BOY NAME HERE, his friend told me he had a "message" to give me, from him- it went like this, "He thinks you're...how do I say....um. UNBEAUTIFUL." I later went on to realize unbeautiful isn't a fucking word and decided that I'd never, ever let another man think those things about me....if he did, he wasn't worth my time. I'd learn to be funny and sharp...so if he were to cross me, in any way, I'd knock the motherfucker down with charm. I reduced my heartbreak from about 20 to 2. And ditched the purple eyeshadow. If there's anything that'll make you "unbeautiful" it's store brand purple.
When I was 20, in the middle of a full blown eating disorder- looking at myself and loathing every. single. inch. my friend said to me, "Chels, our bodies are constantly changing....you take a sip of water- your body is bigger. You pee- your body is lighter. Your body is never stagnant." A thought that seems so obvious to the normal-thinking-eating-drinking individual, thinks that that statement goes without saying, but to me....the simplicity of it was resounding, in a way that started chipping away at the belief system that was paralyzing me.
Everyone at my dinner table talks at the same time, but I never thought I wasn't being heard. I learned to speak louder and faster. Directly. Everyone always told me I was "talented"....I learned to validate myself by hearing that and if I didn't hear it, suddenly I wasn't good enough.
We see things, we say things- we are grown within things....little. minuscule. things. A sentence here, a Pope doll there. A surrounding that, like a mold, forms this person that we've become.
Then we roll it all into a little ball and we stamp a label, a "storyline"; I'm blah blah, I do this, I'm from here, I work here, I want to.... and so on..... but all these things, are just skimming the surface of the little things that created your character.
But life, doesn't have time for "tell me about your character." Job interviews don't have time for "tell me why you have the temperament that you do...?"
The mold where we hold our "character" doesn't stop shifting- the "suitcase is closed" as some would say once we're an adult, but not if we don't want it to be.
Insecurities are reversible. They can be worked through....with time, effort. Decision to do so. My Love has made me better; he's lessened my temper, he's opened my eyes to my defense mechanisms that only harm me....that keep me from growth and from greatness. Yoga has made me better, I can be a crazy bitch...and yoga says, Chels- chill out with ego sister.
Whatever we put into our body, our thoughts, our words, our images comes out, or sticks in some way. It shapes us and molds us. The things people are saying to you and the things you're saying to people are doing the same thing..... your surroundings, your friends- we're all consciously, or perhaps unconsciously creating each other's lives.
All that to say....I should really stop watching so much Jersey Shore and making jokes about killing a person, it doesn't reflect well on my psyche.
WHAT HAS SOMEONE SAID TO YOU THAT "SHAPED YOU??"