Woo hoo, TMI Thursday!!!!! I've never done this before, I'm popping my TMI cherry....
....I feel it's only appropriate that I talk about cherries and popping and vagina's in a TMI post.
The lovely LiLu, A.K.A Liv it, Luv it started this brilliant weekly posting prompt and I thought that it was only appropriate that I jumped on the bandwagon, since I'm out of inspiration (and wine) after this little incident....so, here is goes, POP!
A couple months ago My Love and I were out for dinner and drinks, it was an average Wednesday night, I was still in my "work uniform"; 3 year old Juicy sweats and a rice-paper-thin T-shirt, no makeup, greasy hair....(why he still finds me sexy? I have no idea. I drug him. And have a great ass.) I very gently suggested something about a strip club, if you know me, you know that that happens anytime I haven't eaten enough for the day and have exceeded my standard 2 drinks and start channeling a porn star (ask Nicole is Better *who was as shit-classless-crazy-obliterated as I was because she offered to trade me underwear if I felt like entering the Amateur night, since the ones I was wearing didn't match up to my standards, or ask Mr. 5280, who witnessed the events, and bought me shots, and Corona's with lime...and potential death/embarrassment/etc....they know my tendencies...they have also seen me with the worst possible hangover known to man)...back to the story.....
...after my two drinks, I dropped the S-bomb. Which, if you possess a penis, you jump on that shit like Tiger Woods on a cocktail waitress. Or white on rice. Or witty anecdotes on Twitter. My Love threw down his credit card like Daddy Warbucks and off we were to Shotgun Willy's, oh how I wish that were a name I made up myself, it is not, but it is magic.
The giant neon sign flashed it's lusty, buxom, glowing cowgirl figure at us and it was ON. I was going to get a lap dance, and she was going to be hot; the hottest stripper known to man would magically be in Shotgun's, she would look like Meghan Fox, but blond, with bigger boobs, long legs, real hair (no extensions) and she would be mute. Talking just fucks it all up...call me a dude.
Stage 1. I pick the stage with the most seductive option and within seconds she b-lines for me....I'm thinking, "oh fuck, I'm not nearly drunk enough to not feel like a lesbian looking at her, SHOTS PLEASE." She starts making small talk, asking about My Love and I...and the next things I know, MY BOOBS ARE OUT OF MY SHIRT. Not only that, while this chick distracted me with her small talk about weather, undergarments and her retainer (she. had. a. retainer.) she has managed to reach down my shirt, take out my boobs- AND IS NOW LICKING MY NIPPLE. Is this even legal????? Before I can gasp, or cover myself up, or cry from public humiliation- she's on Stage 2. and I'm bare-titted in the middle of a strip club, with an empty shot glass in front of me and a slew of 40 year old men wearing John Deere hats looking in my direction, and salivating.
I recover from the trauma of the stripper with the retainer licking my nipples and decide to focus, hone in on the prize; finding the "hot one" for the Lap Dance of the Century. I do things in epic proportions, and this lap dance was going to be epic, simply because of the sheer fact that my "girl" would be supermodel hot. And I would drunk....and someone else would be paying for it. Cha-ching.
Stage 3. I think I find "my girl", her torso doesn't look like its going to eat her legs, and she isn't one of 5 girls wearing horrendous mesh body suits, (this should be a stripper felony, that and belly chains, WTF is this a 1998 teen movie?) I decide after a few impressive "Dances" to music by rappers that make me feel like I have an STD in my ears, that she's "the one".......UNTIL I SEE HER IN THE BATHROOM.... in all her stripper glory, platforms, tiny purse of dollar bills and lipgloss my potential lap dance, ASKS ME FOR A TAMPON. Then the light reveals a gaggle of stretch marks, zit scars, unwanted bikini hair and discoloration.....fuck, she is a real live girl after all. The fantasy is burning out quickly...sort of like the time I was 5 and realized no matter how hard I thought "happy things" I couldn't actually fly to Neverland.
I'm quickly losing my "sex buzz" and my tequila buzz...until I FIND THE HOLY GRAIL OF STRIPPERS ON STAGE 5. TWO. BLONDE. TWINS. (They weren't really twins, I'm not into that shit....but you get the idea) I decide that My Love and I will get a joint lap dance by the babes that resemble Playboy bunnies during Hef's "blond stage."
The girls kindly oblige squeeling that they "LOVE DANCING FOR GIRLS!!"....all is looking like peaches, until one trips over a stiletto on the way to the "lap dance area" and fumbles out a slurring sentence that I translated into, "hold on-I need to get some blow."
Listen, strippers, when I come to the strip club- it isn't Coffee Talk, I don't want to hear about your period, your drug habits, your affinity for Red Bull and vodka, or your insecurities (one girl whispered in my ear while dancing on the stage, "do you think I took my bra off too early...do I look OK?") I am here as a sexual being- do. not. attempt. bonding. with me, we are not friends, this is not Starbucks. mmkay? thanks.
We quickly get a "fill-in" stripper to take place of my once HOLY GRAIL DUO of strippers and we proceed with the lap dance....during our 3 minutes of what should be a sexual haze of body parts and heavy bass, my stripper told me her "real name," while making me feel her gigantically rock hard boobs, offered me a sip of her Kryptonite green cocktail...and by the end of the song, put her cell phone number in my phone, with a message that said, "Hey girl- it's Dani, call me!"
Needless to say My Love mourned the several years he'd spent going home with blue balls after a strip club visit, when all he really had to do was bring a chick with him and he'd get free nipple lickings and phone numbers. So men, next time- take your date...who knows, maybe you'll end up seeing her boobs too, before you even hit the sheets.
Sorry Mom. and Dad. And My Love's Christian family...and potential employers...I'm not a whore, I'm just awesome (new resume line perhaps?)
Any stripper stories out there???