Monday, March 15, 2010

That one time I got naked....Happy birthday babe ;)


Remember that time I asked a total stranger to make me a purple grape vodka drink, then I took all my clothes off?

No? Oh, cause that just happened.

So, I had this brilliant idea to take nude pictures for My Love's birthday- I was like, "Hey, I'm gonna be all, bad-ass-naked-brave-modern-woman-who's-confident-with-her-body and I'm gonna get bare to bone, in the most Non-Hustler way possible" for my man, and he's going to think I'm a goddess, he'll renounce porn forever and I'll basically win at life. Thee end.

That was my mindset and since I'm all competitive and annoying like that, I wanted to be on the top of "Best Present Giver" list, since he generally murders me with gift giving- cause he's thoughtful, sweet and irritatingly clever and I just buy him t-shirts, or take him to restaurants I've been wanting to try. What's more thoughtful than pictures of my tits in all their perky glory for all eternity, that will withstand the time of breastfeeding, sagging, drooping and such.... thoughtful? I think so, so get naked.

I show up to the photo shoot- proud and ready to give The Girls Next Door a run for their money, I was strutting my best, "I am woman hear me roar, I'm proud of what Momma gave me! Woot!"- the photographer was incredibly welcoming and sweet, we chit chatted a bit about life and Starbucks, you know, important stuff and she says, "Alright, just throw on your lingerie and we'll get started...."

....suddenly, my fucking top lip started sweating like Whitney Houston in a Barbara Walters interview. Then, the palms started sweating, then the backs of the knees, then my hands were shaking, I was walking like a baby giraffe in heels and then I was just a big soppy, sweaty, vulnerable and almost-naked mess. I knew there was only one cure, COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF VODKA, and a little background music. It was becoming out of body, as in, "I am here. And now I am naked? Now, I am not here, I am checking out and thinking of what to cook for dinner....or if I have belly button lint?" No lint, phew.

Check and check.
We start to shoot the photos and I'm thinking, "alright, I got this...." until we start posing- I'm arching, and pushing, lifting and bending. Sucking, cinching and vogueing. Being sexy is fucking hard work, and this isn't my first time in the Sexy Rodeo, it's just my first time in the NAKED-Sexy rodeo, with strangers and blackmail material. There's things sticking out that you don't want sticking, rolls you don't want rolling, bends that aren't so bendy (this isn't Cirque Du Soleil people, fuck) blemishes you don't seen, not-so-sexy-wanna-be-sexy-faces.

If sex were as hard as posing like sex, I would suck at it.
After nearly an hour, I finally felt comfortable to strip down- it was liberating, exciting and completely nerve-wracking. Questions like, "I wonder if my nipples are shaped weird?" Come into your mind, or "I wonder if I have cellulite that I've never seen because my mirror doesn't reach back there...." And, sip the vodka Chelsea, drink up.

Thirty minutes in, all is going groovy- I'm prancing about in my skiivies, with my grape vodka drink, and sure enough, I'm feeling pretty sexy.

By the end of the day, I had; faced a fear, checked off an item on the Life List, upped my rank in girlfriend status, and accepted the rolls, the awkwardness, the discomfort and the body, that is MINE. The one that's soft and strong, exposed, thin-skinned and rough all at once. The body that My Love holds, cradles and adores- the one that he loves. This body in all of the imperfections and parts I PINCH AND PROD, is perfectly beautiful the way it is. IT'S UNIQUE, because it's mine....and I can't compare or covet anyone else' "perfections," we all have our own UNIQUE, "perfect."

To My Love;
26 beautiful years ago, you were born. Somewhat selfishly, I think you were born for me, because you round out the "perfect" of my life. You are my partner, my soulmate, my best friend. You'll eat cheese with me at 3am and scratch my legs when they're itchy (weird animal trait? I know.) You're the one I want to become "we" and "us" for.

You are my heart. Happy birthday my sweet. (This is the last time I'm taking naked pictures for you, next year you're getting a fuckin' gift card to iTunes.)


127 comments:

JenRem said...

These photos are beautiful! GO YOU! I wish I looked half as hot as you do in these. I would never have enough nerve to do it, or if I did, I would be so drunk that the photos would look horrible. I really think it is awesome that you did this. And I think this might be on his best present ever list. Happy Birthday to your man! :)

Kez said...

Wow, you look hot! You are so brave! Luckily I can hold off the naked photos thing for a while as I already own the crown in our relationship for the best gift giving :)
But then again...I might get older, saggier and wrinklier before too long...there's always photoshop, right?

Great post!

Shannon said...

Seriously?! You are G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S! What a great idea for a gift!

floreta said...

gorgeous and beautiful!!! that's such a cool idea for a gift. i would never have thought of doing somethin professional although i've takin a lot of self portraits.. heheheh. best girlfriend everrr! HECK yeah!!!

*uncorked said...

You should stay naked. You're hot.

Barbara said...

You look great in them. I'm not sure I'd have the confidence to do that. I'd need much more than just a lot of vodka. Way to go girl!

CuppyCakes said...

dude... if I looked like that in my underwear, I'd never wear clothes.
BRAVE.

pen.ny said...

Jesus Christ. You seriously kill me.

"...suddenly, my fucking top lip started sweating like Whitney Houston in a Barbara Walters interview. Then, the palms started sweating, then the backs of the knees, then my hands were shaking, I was walking like a baby giraffe in heels..."

Best thing I've ever read. A fucking baby giraffe in heels, no joke I pissed myself.

DC Princess said...

The one time I did a nude photoshoot for a friend's photography project, there was a sheet involved. I remember the fear...

But go you!

Happy Birthday to a very lucky man :)

Anonymous said...

I am SO putting a naked photoshoot in my to-do list. Maybe that'll motivate me to really work out.

You look fantastic! You make sexy look effortless (despite the fact that you said that it was hard work)

Happy birthday to him! :)

hannahjustbreathe said...

What beautiful photos!! And what a wonderful gift. :)

Tia said...

Hey hot stuff!!
The photos look AMAZING!!
Happy b-day to your love, he's a lucky guy!

Miss Angie said...

Wow! You are sooooo gorgeous, he's one lucky guy! Happy Birthday Chelsea's boyfriend! :)

Ashley said...

Stunning! And fantastic gift!

I'd like to say that I'd do this. I want to, but I'm way too chicken shit.

Miss Alle said...

You are absolutely beautiful! This must have been such an amazing and empowering experience. I'm sure you man LOVES them! Go girl!!

ChasingParadise said...

I've said it before, but I'll say it again, and not with one ounce of "holy shit she's gonna think I'm weird" because it just must be said: YOU ARE GORGEOUS! I wish I looked HALF as good as you in lingerie! Your man is one lucky, lucky man. Plus, that is one hell of a gift. I don't think anything will ever top it, so you can go ahead and claim your status as #1 Gift Giver Of All Time!

LiLu said...

Bull. I bet you do it again when you're 50. And you'll be just as ferosh. ;-)

daisychain said...

these photos are absolutley phenomenal.

Herding Cats said...

You are a terrific girlfriend - brave and beautiful! Go you!

Kara said...

Could you possibly be any cuter?? I think not. I usually take naked photos for my boyfriend after drinking vodka too, except they're self-taken aka totally awkward. Awesome idea to hire a professional. I bet fancy lighting and a nice camera is better than florescent bathroom lighting and a blackberry photo.

Rachael said...

girl, you are beautiful! GO YOU!!

Heather said...

Those turned out great! You look stunning. That's a really creative gift too. I think I might have to try it.

Juliana said...

Hello Vodka, Its YOU Chelsea! Your pictures are AMAZING and I hope you guys got great birthday sexy time. Who did the pictures? I LOVE them!

Lindsay [Bella Cene'] said...

So you are gorgeous AND witty! lol He better have a happy birthday! You look great... no need to be insecure.

Holly Renee said...

How awesome! Way to go. I might try this sometime. First I got to get in shape. Good read!

Leanne said...

You definitely do not look nervous in those photos. You look confident, sexy, and completely fabulous. Your Love is a lucky dude to have such a kick-ass lady.

Slightly Undone said...

So pretty! I love these :)

Kristen said...

What a great gift - I bet the BF will love them.

I have thought about doing this for my BF..I will take note to bring a couple adult beverages to losen up a bit!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Juliana- her name is Tonee Lawrence and It's called Pretty jane, there's a link at the bottom ;)

Nikki said...

Great idea. They turned out great! I think he'll appreciate your sweaty upper lip.

Definitely document those ta tas before they sag.

Liz said...

You're so fucking gorgeous its really not fair. Best girlfriend evar award goes to you, betch. ;)

littlemissjuicy said...

You look beautiful!
Happy Birthday to your love.

Ashley Stone said...

great photos!!!! I'd love to have the guts to do that!

Jen said...

I'm hearing about more and more women doing this for their men -- or themselves! I think it's wonderful you conquered your fears and insecurities and rocked this! And, seems like you learned some valuable lessons as well. Your man is going to LOVE his gift... because he already does, it's you!

Misery said...

What a great idea! I need to include this in the millionth version of my (countlessly updated) to-do list, although, I think I'd need all the vodka in the world to get through fear/lack of confidence and this stuff.

Ha, I still think you could be a motivational speaked (see: paragraph about 'perfection'), but now you probably actually see you could be a lingerie model, too. :)

I have to say - you are just SO brave :)

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Beautiful pics, love this idea for a romantic gift!

Steph said...

Gorgeous pics!

Posing is a beast, but you did it well :D

Mike129 said...

Oh.
My.
God.

You are brave and stunning. You totally rock!

Your guy is *so* fortunate.

Not that I'm jealous or anything.

Okay, maybe I am.

Wow!

siovhan said...

lady you are BEAUTIFUL.
i wish i could look anywhere near as freaking GORGEOUS as you do.

kudos on crossing something off the off the do something you're afraid of list. that's a major WOOOHOOOO!!

The Warrior in ME said...

Great pictures! The boyfriend is one happy guy for sure :D

Happy Birthday to him!

Cait said...

Wow, you look BEAUTIFUL lady! Your man is a lucky guy.

Alexis (aka kwerk) said...

I DID THE SAME THING FOR MY MAN'S BIRTHDAY!!! Great minds think alike, for reals...

He LOVED the pictures too, I knew he'd like them but I was overwhelmed by how much. He's impossible to buy for & always says he doesn't want anything & hates surprises, blah blah blah...so I totally got him good with these. The experience was a lot more comfortable for me, I think because I was working with a photographer who's a good friend & who specializes in the sexy nudie photo taking...I may do it again, ha!

You look sizzlin' in these, we'll have to swap photos when we finally meet in real life & congratulate each other on how much people would pay us for our photos. ;)

Heidi Renée said...

I have always wanted to do this... maybe for my husband's thirtieth in a couple of years.

(Oh my god we're getting fucking old.)

Rainey said...

You are fucking HOT girl!

Although, I do wish there were specific captions under the pictures as to what you might have been thinking at the moment. I'd like to imagine you thinking "Wow, that ceiling tile looks a lot like Conan!" or, "I wonder how these pictures would have come out if we were drinking Tang and Captain?"

Karisa Tells All said...

oh my gosh you're so brave! The pix look great.

Carmie, the Single Nester said...

I have thought of taking some boudoir photos for me! This Single Nester does not have a significant other but why can't I have gorgeous photos too?

Katelin said...

these pictures are gorgeous, you look amazing. i say this definitely wins the best birthday present giver title.

Miss Caitlin S. said...

This is my favorite post that you've written. Namely because, my Sister just did this and I had to help her with her comfortability so I know what nerves you're referring to. Secondly, you look absolutely beautiful and I love them. Fourthly, I was laughing out loud at your description and lastly, the iTunes comment. :)

meleah rebeccah said...

You are absolutely stunningly beautiful. Your LOVE is one lucky man. And a happy 26th birthday to him!

Nicole Leigh said...

gorgeous!!!

Ali said...

Um, I'm just obsessed with you. I hope that doesn't sound weird, but you are just an amazing woman whose blog I am proud to know and read.

True story.

Oh, and happy birthday to the boy!

Ashlie said...

absolutely beautiful! i had the same idea once and i didn't start shaking and sweating until after the fact.. until after i realized the photographer had wanted to use them in her online portfolio and me still riding on my "i'm a sexy woman and proud of it" cloud i agreed without actually realizing what i was agreeing to.

still, these pictures are fantastic. go you.

Mike129 said...

*looking for Ashlie's photographer's online portfolio*

Seriously, Chelsea, you have the hottest readers on the entire 'Net!

livin wide said...

OH. MY. GOD.

i loved loved loved this post. i have always wanted to do the same for my man and am just working up the courage (and body) to do so. you look amazing. and your last paragraph is just too sweet!

p.s. hosting an event at my blog and i hope you'll join in: livinwide.com/blogiton

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

ok, so i saw these on FB last night and i was like damn, girl looks good!

not that you ever don't, but still.

well done.

MrsDixon said...

Your pics are great! Congrats on overcoming a fear and being like the best lover ever! I wish I could get up the courage to do this for my hubs! Surely with enough alcohol, I just might! :)

T!nK said...

THIS is awesome! I have been wanting to do a class nude photo shoot for a while now, but I want to lose weight first!!

Melissa said...

I have always wanted to do just this!! Congrats on having huge balls!! You're love is going to shit bricks when he see's these. You look amazing!

Bucca said...

lmao I love the way you wrote this because it is exactly how I felt when I did mine - I did it when I turned 21 more for a keepsake for myself - so I could look back when I'm 80 and remember how I used to be!
Your pics look wonderful I'm sure he will love them!

Diane said...

That's great, Chelsea! I'm glad for your and you look absolutely amazing! You have such an FHM body!!:P

kiss and happy birthday to your bf!

Anonymous said...

I think you look great...but if the photos were taken as a gift for your man, why publish them for everyone to see?

Kim said...

Awwww, that was so sweet of you at the end. The "we" and "us" part.

The pics are GORGEOUS!!! You look fantastic.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Anonymous- well, the experience was worth blogging about these are 4 photos of about 200.... I'm not shy and with his permission (I asked first) I published a couple modest ones.
When u date a blogger that's part of the game- there isn't a single thing I don't share on this blog, cause that's the type of blogger I am-which he is totally ok w/. And, he's proud of me! He wants to show 'em off :)
There's plenty others that are kept private ;)

Brittany said...

You look awesome! I'm sure your bf loved them :-)

Mike129 said...

Well I want to see the ones you aren't making public. But that's just me being a guy and all.

missy. said...

those pictures are beautiful! you have one hell of a backbone girl to do the whole naked photo thing. i don't think i could do that! your man will LOVE them.

missy. said...

those pictures are beautiful! you have one hell of a backbone girl to do the whole naked photo thing. i don't think i could do that! your man will LOVE them.

Emily said...

You crack my shit up! I love reading your blog. Next time I'm in Denver I'm taking you out for some conversation and drinks. Deal? Also K.U.D.O.S. on the photos. I would absolutely have an anxiety attack if put in a similar situation. Gorgeous girl.

Ellen said...

Vodka courage..hasn't failed me yet! Awesome pics. What did the bf have to say about them?!

http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/

nicole antoinette said...

I'm pretty sure I already hit on you re: these pics on the phone last night, but, um, SO HOT AH.

The Gourmet Traveller said...

Wow! You are brave, girl! Nice work ;)

walkingonsunshine18 said...

First of all, these were amazing! Secondly, I think this is the best bday gift EVER!

Jules said...

woo woo one hot little lady there! what are you talking about cellulite, rolls? NO! Pure hottness. what a lucky guy you have (=

sid said...

You are my hero. I've always wanted to do this.

Sizzle said...

Hawt! I want to do a pin up photo shoot. It's on my life list. Go you!

Kate said...

Wow you look amazing and you are so so brave! I wish i had the guts to do soemthing like that!

Kate x

Phoenix said...

HOT. And may I add, lucky, lucky man... :)

Laurnie said...

LOVE them! I took pictures like these as part of my 20 before 30 list, and had so much fun doing them (after 3 glasses of champagne). Lucky for me though, my friend was my photographer.

You look good!

thunderseye said...

Im glad my vodka koolaid helped ya out lol...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

thunderseye- IT DID AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. I want to buy grape vodka EVERYDAY NOW. Lol.

Tonee said...

Can't go wrong with brave and sexy, giraffe legs and all :)

And all you ladies who said you need to wait and blah blah.... DON'T WAIT, you ARE beautiful NOW! Unleash your sexy!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

TONEE- EVERYONE, TONEE IS THE GENIUS THAT DID MY PICTURES!!!!


IF YOU WANT PICS, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, WHO YOU ARE, WHAT SIZE YOU ARE, CONTACT HER!

SHE'S AMAZING and will make you feel beautiful and awesome and it doesnt matter when, where, size, all that bullshit ;)


THANK YOU TONEE!!!!!!

Andi said...

I LOVE your boudoir session! I did one too and after half a bottle of champagne I finally relaxed. I am certain that your love will ADORE these. You look absolutely stunning!!!

Stephanie said...

Looks like you rocked it! I think you are off the hook for a good 10-15 birthdays!

Elizabeth Marie said...

You look gorgeous! I don't know if I'd have the balls to do that. Happy Birthday to your Love!! XOXO

angela.kolachny said...

you go girl!!!!! I left you something over at my blog today:o)

carma said...

my husband wanted me to take pics like this - somehow I just never got around to it :D

Your's came out beautiful, though.

tryingtostaysane said...

You look gorgeous Chels! And I can understand posing is a work out in itself since you suck it in, stick it out, point your toes. I know what you went thru. But that's a wonderful idea for your boyfriends birthday!
p.s. The pictures are stunning!!

Ryan("my love") said...

Oh yeah, that's right, that hot woman is MINE!!! Couldn't be luckier. 'Couldn't be more proud of my girl!!!

subjectverbagreement said...

i wanna see the rest of them. and i'm not even a lesbian.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Johana Hill said...

Wow! You're beautiful! Your man is so lucky for you to drop down your clothes and pose naked! Way to go girl! ;p

Erin said...

Wow!! The photos turned out beautifully! I am turning 30 this year and in December we hope to get pregnant. I always poo-pooed the boudoir shoot when I was wedding planning (lots of people were doing it, but for some reason I was too good for it at the time?!). Now I'm 6 pounds heavier and now I kind of want to do it. It is pricey, right? Hmm... I've been getting in shape in prep for pregnancy, maybe I should do this right before we pull the goalie?!

Amanda West said...

You're gorgeous! And these pictures were really cute and tasteful.

Hope your man loved 'em!

Hater Von G said...

You look great chelsea, I wish I could do that! Such an awesome idea for a gift.

Tonee said...

Erin, my rates are beyond reasonable, shoot me an email we'll chat... I travel!

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Way to go! You look amazing, of course.

Harini said...

You look Gorgeous!!! The photos are so beautiful :).

Kyla Roma said...

These are SO beautiful!! I love them, and I would love to do something like this someday.

You are brave and amazing, and I hope that you do this more than once- it seems like a totally empowering and fun thing.

Once again: SO BEAUTIFUL! =)

Caro said...

WOW they are beautiful, I did a few pictures, but not with a pro. I hope he likes his gift.

One of The Guys said...

A guy couldn't ask for anything more on his birthday. My wife still surprises me, which is hard to do after 12 years together!

It sounds like you have a solid relationship going. Very sweet!

Oh...and yeah, the photos were great!

City Soliloquy said...

Oh wow you look lovely :) Props for being brave and doing it!

Now to get up my confidence...

City Soliloquy said...

Actually bring on the grape vodka on second thoughts!!

Alicia said...

hahaha, oh man, you're brave! you go girlfriend. I'm sure you made your boyfriend's year!! ;)

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Haha, you're really brave and liquid courage helps :) What an awesome present though, he must be really happy !

I'm keeping this idea in mind for a bday present to someone special, perhaps some time in the future :)

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Photos look great, your hubby should be pretty pleased with you.

Em said...

The photos are gorgeous! And you make it look effortless.

I took pics like these for Josh's wedding present and dude...I felt the same way. Posing all sexy-like is HARD. So ditto every single thing you wrote in this post. I'm sure your love is going to *love* them.

Beatriz said...

Seriously, I am totally blog crushing. Freaking hilarious. Thank you for making my "laugh out loud".

Beatriz.
thatgirlinpearls.com

Laura said...

hah ive always wanted to do this for my boyfriend. I've always been scared! you look looked stunning though!

Destination Inspiration said...

I don't know what you were worried about, you look lovely! What a sexy and daring gift

Craig@work said...

Fantastic pics, every straight guy out there reading your blog is jealous of your man! He'd better have appreciated them (especially after reading the stripper story)! Keep up the fantastic writing, your fans love it!!!

kelly ann said...

oh my goodness, you look gorgeous, lady!

Mrs. Stilletto said...

Your blog was really hilarious and so honest! Thank you for commenting on my blog and of course I HAD to check your blog out! This is one must be one of my favourites. I hope the love of your life was very happy with all the pretty, beautiful and sexy pictures. It must be the best gift EVER. Thank you for making me laugh and giving me inspiration (birthday of my boyfriend was just 2 days ago but hey I have got something to look forward to doing in the next year ;) ).


Love,
Nancy

SharoninWonderland said...

WOMAN POWER!! WHAT?!?! Gorgeous lady here!!! You are HILARIOUS!! SOOOO glad I found your blog!!

CHEERS!

liadaniele said...

You look absolutely amazing, and this post is fabulous! Totally made me cry at the end... good for you for taking the leap and being proud of what "your mama gave you!" Gorgeous!!

Emily said...

You are one hot mama that is for sure, and you post is a trip. The sweating top lip cracked me up!

Anonymous said...

Did Iman Woods take your pics? She is awesome. I wrote an article on here while interning at 9NEWS a while back. I have read your blog on and off for a long time... since your NYC/LA days, and I must say... YOU ROCK! You're awesome. Also, welcome back to Colorado. (I know it's a little late) Maybe I'll run into you one of these days in Denver.

Anonymous said...

Did Iman Woods take your pics? She is awesome. I wrote an article on here while interning at 9NEWS a while back. I have read your blog on and off for a long time... since your NYC/LA days, and I must say... YOU ROCK! You're awesome. Also, welcome back to Colorado. (I know it's a little late) Maybe I'll run into you one of these days in Denver.

The818 said...

You look gorgeous, lady! I did this myself not-too-long-ago, and I have to say, despite the four shots of tequila it required for me to get there, I am so happy that I have a record of myself lookin' like that! ('Cause I just had a baby, and...y'know.)

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

Awesome gift- can I just photoshop my face onto those for my husband? No?

Raquel said...

I recently did a boudoir shoot myself. So fun. Even if my boyfriend and I broke up and he kept the book...maybe not a good idea. Ha. ;)

J-Diggety said...

You are smokin'!! What a great gift idea... I'm sure he loved it!

Fabulous Terrah said...

LOL, this post was fucking classic. Your new follower from Texas ~ Terrah a.k.a. the mom who travels

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