I've been avoiding you.
...yes you, I've been acting like I could get away with being moody and having writers block forever, I even tried to drive to Kansas on a whim (Kansas of all places...) and ended up getting a flat tire (Thank you Universe, nice to see you're not working on "my plan" to visit Dorothy and avoid reality) I put in that much effort to avoid looking at a blank screen and wanting to just CRY, dry tears from an empty well of creativity and inspiration. God, how emo of me I just should go sing "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia and take a bath, while singing into a loofa and laugh/crying. Laaame.
I'm a bad blogger .. and I've MISSED YOU ALL..I leave without letting you all where I'm going and don't check in...I'm that kid that stays out 6 hours past curfew and doesn't call, only to leave you all thinking I've wound up in an alley somewhere, or passed out after playing too much beer pong. ...No worries my gems, the first week, I was in Maui, the second week...I've uh.......been sleeping in a lot? Eating Blow Pops for breakfast, at noon and conjuring up ways I can get an Airstream Trailer, asap and "get the fuck outta' this biaaaatch."
While I was daydreaming and feeling sorry for myself....one day went by....I couldn't write, two days, three days...by day four I could barely form a coherent sentence, the lack of Internet speak started taking a toll on my motor skills, communication? And I thought about just pulling a "vanisher" act until I could tell you all that my life has gotten exponentially more awesome and I'd buy you all Smart Cars and licorice dispensers.
Avoiding reality hasn't helped. And it certainly hasn't changed anything.
It was time to return (though very reluctantly) by the end of week one, after drinking bottomless Mai Tai's and sunbathing, I was thisclose to dropping $200 on a pair of white skinny jeans, so OBVIOUSLY someone was feeling a little delusional and by week two, I'd gained two pounds....I know this because I'm neurotic.
This second week hasn't been all sunshiney. You know when you feel like you've FINALLY caught up with the gigantic ship that has all these amazing things on board; abundance, excitement, peace, a lot of shrimp cocktail and dancing girls? You get the gist. So you finally catch up....then all of a sudden, you feel your feet come out from under you....the next thing you know you're ass up in the middle of the Ocean like, fuck, how did I get here? A minute ago I was basking in shrimp cocktail and dancing girls, while getting an amazing tan.
Yeaaaaa....that's how I feel.
My whole goal on my vacation was to reconnect with myself, my peace... find alignment, strength and that brilliant "shine" that we all forget to fan from time to time. And yes, even during my month of crossing things off the "Life List" and getting out of my comfort zone, I've been feeling disoriented...like I'm either one step behind the beat, a page behind, or certain faucets of creativity, peace, and contentment are clogged.
Like the faucet is dripping and you know if you could just turn that knob a little harder it'd be a flood....a brilliant, powerful, thirst-quenching flood.
I simply can't keep up ....when you can't keep up you lose sight of where you were going, because you're trying so hard to just see what's right in front of you.....but maybe that's the realization I need to have:
Focus on where you are RIGHT NOW and you'll get where you're going. Even if you can only see a faint footprint of where to step next.
Someone said today, "it's like you're in the Sea of Love and you're drinking from a thimble....GET A BIGGER GLASS!" IN the sea? Doesn't that mean all we REALLY need to do is wake up?!
Right now, I'm nurturing the parts of me that need to be "woken up," re-engergized, shaken...stirred furiously with a spoon, to see things differently when it all settles. I am taking yoga (raising money for a YOGATHON to teach yoga/wellness in schools), reading good books, sweating, running, laying in the grass, getting out and allowing myself to breathe through this awkward "blah" transition....just one foot in front of the other.
How do you "WAKE YOURSELF UP" out of a "RUT?"
Oh and ....I've really missed you guys.