Sunday, April 25, 2010

Well this is EMO of me....relationships are a tricky bitch.


It's like peeling the band aid off slowly....

I would be lying if I said the last month has been peachy keen. In fact, it's been pretty fucking blah. I'm doing my best to not sound like a total emo toolbag, but I mean, shit- I have a blog- what's more well suited for an emo than blogging?

When we really, really love someone it always starts off as, "this person compliments me-- we bring out the best in each other. They quite possibly posses the mind and face and body of someone I'd like to see everyday. forever. You revel in each other's presence and quirks and every new discovery, every witty thing he says, or silly habit I notice fills in this mystery that you just have to solve. It starts off innocently enough, but each little clue is a chip of a the other person's heart and you start storing them up until you've given over the whole thing.

I first went into my relationship thinking that THIS is going to be the one that sticks. The one where we don't have "breaks," or turbulent fights and low blows. I was absolutely set on and refused to accept another heartbreak. In this one I would compromise and listen....I wouldn't be too prideful, possessive or distrusting. I carefully placed each brick, with intention to in the long run build something solid.

Unfortunately, my obsession with refusing to see disappointment festered like a cancer. Slowly, it was just a tiny snag that goes ignored until something catches it...and then all of a sudden you've got a fucking pile of yarn and no blanket. And it's the middle of winter. And you don't sew. Fuck sewing.

I don't know what happened really....it was a series of "small" events, then the next thing you know I'm staying with my parents and he's sleeping on the couch.

"You went into it thinking Happily Ever After, but there is no ever after....there's no END. That doesn't exist, because relationships are a continuously road you have to walk on together. You have to TRUST."

When he said, "Maybe it'd be smart to take a little break...." my entire body went numb. And then I proceeded to beg, which isn't a strong-confident-self-reliant-womanly thing to do and it certainly isn't a "me" thing to do. Ok, lies, I've done it twice before but I believe one time I was drunk and the other was a "first heartbreak" and we all do irrational things the first time, begging and stalking included.

It all happened after a series of events that brought the unfavorable character flaws that My Love and I possessed to a head, (under a horrifically bright fluorescent lamp) and ended in a night that with me driving around asking myself, "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WITH MYSELF BEFORE I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP.... And, oh holy Jesus what the fuck do I now.....?" I was doing that cry where you sort of feel drunk, you know the one- where you start losing control of speech and body awareness and then you speak gibberish and people start getting worried....also, the newly heartbroken should be banned from cars. And whiskey. And text messaging.

When you love someone you just want them to be everything to you. The pillar, the muse, the port in the storm, the provider and the counselor. You think that they'll see the things that hurt you and protect you from them- without you having to ask. It's an unspoken rule that once this person is "my person" they'll be there when I'm lonely, or have a flat tire or need a drinking partner, because all those "little things" represent something so much bigger...something that proves faithfulness and security. Trust that that heart you gave over when everything was still sunshine and roses is going to be taken care of.

We ask a lot from each other....but we do it because there isn't anyone else in the whole world who can fill in all the blank colors with such absolute vivid, perfection.

Taking a break I've always thought is the first part of a "break-up..." just with less courage.

I don't know what we're doing. I think we're not calling it a "break..." just "SPACE." Space to do cartwheels and discover things outside of each other, pursue and imagine things that we can COMPLETE alone....and celebrate TOGETHER.

I know what I need to do....I need to reintroduce myself to that girl, the one who sauntered into an audition- fearless and brazenly self-confident that captured his attention, without meaning to and kept it. The girl who went to dinner by herself because food tastes better when you don't have any distractions...or anywhere to be. The girl who took vacations alone and went to the art museum solo. Who lived FREELY and passionately, not because I was trying to prove anything to anyone...but because it made me HAPPY. Who wasn't an observer, but an active creator....waiting for no one, those who wanted to jump on the boat were welcome, but regardless, the boat was going somewhere.

While I'm not blogging I'm getting a boat....to somewhere. And I hope he's on it with me.


What do you do with a "BREAK?"





90 comments:

Verity Vaudeville said...

I know exactly how you feel having been through this recently myself. I'm feeling much better about it now though, they're no longer the centre of my orbit. Infact, they're not even on my radar!

I think you've got the right idea though about finding yourself. Find the you that was before anyone else came into the equation. Do some soul searching x

vi said...

*i love blogger, because i can discuss details of my love life with random strangers that i NEVER discuss with ANYONE in real life.*

i went through a break with my boyfriend last year. it last four whole months.

it's hard to deal with but it allows you to work out your issues that have nothing to do with your partner. you know - insecurities, jealousies, anger problems, time management .. things like that.

for me, it was upsetting to be caught in limbo, but i realized it wasn't about him finding someone else or me sleeping with someone from bio class .. it was just about figuring out what we wanted and if we still worked as a couple. i threw myself in schoolwork, bought A LOT of makeup, went to museums, learned air on the g string by bach on piano, had dvd marathon nights .. just things that i never got around to doing.

once i changed my view on taking a break as something devastating to just some time to do what i wanted and to breathe a little, i felt a lot better. i don't think breaks are step 1 to a final break up ..

here's a quote i read many a time to help me cope with what i felt. i definitely had a lot of dark days, so i sympathize with you and hope this helps you, even if just a little bit:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."

love your blog and your words, feel better. contact me if you need someone to listen!

oneredwall said...

As you and the commenters above me have noticed, Breaks/Space Suck. My husband and I had to take some space. It wasn't the first time, so I was sure ti was the last. Except how I handled it the last time made all the difference. It changed how I reacted to him, so it broke our cycle.

I found Me again. We change, even if we don't mean to. You definitely have the right idea. If you can get Yourself back, who knows what your relationship would be like. For Husband and I it changed our whole relationship for the better. He thought he wanted the old me back, the one he fell for, but she was 16 and I was 24. I found Me and he was able to fall in love with the Real me, rather than the person who was so wrapped up in making our relationship work.

If it is over for good then it will suck. But it will be so much easier for you if you have Yourself.

It really sucks that you're going through it all. But it's good that you're on track to get yourself back.

Are you doing the kind of space where you still talk & are together, just not so Entwined, or the full no talking kind? Don't hesitate to use your blog as your emo space, you've got many people out here who are willing to listen and give support.

Lace said...

I want to braid your hair and hand you shots & tell you it's all going to be okay. Let's pretend that just happened. My heart is right there with ya lady! I hope this time off is a good thing for both of you & you end up exactly where you want to be. xo

Monster Girl said...

I have nothing to really add except my broken heart is reaching out to you for one giant massive internet hug.

Brandy said...

Chelsea, this is a great post. "Fuck sewing." hahahaha.

But I really think you should read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's not necessarily a religious book, but more of a memoir on how Elizabeth reacts to the exact situation it sounds like you are in. It's about her getting back to the "Me" of things. I really think it might help.

Take care of yourself, lady!

Feeling Just Right said...

Focus on "you"- you're fun, you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're a go-getter. Feel free to add to the list. He wants the "space", let him have it. You stay as nice as you are- just change the subject- be nice to yourself. You're more than worth it.

CuppyCakes said...

I broke last year. Just before christmas. For about a day, I thought it was the worst thing ever.

Then I found out the little fucker cheated on me, and two months later I caught the Mono from either him or the girl he was screwing behind my back.

It didn't take me long to realise it was a break that needed to happen, and probably happened about 6 months too late. Hindsight is a bitch, and I look back knowing that there was so much wrong with it that I should've accepted and told him where to go before he decided to diddle someone else.

And now it's five months later and I finally feel like I've got back all the awesome parts of myself that I lost when I was with him. And its great.

Melly said...

Breaks ("Space") are usually beginning of the end - unless somehow you find yourself, and he finds himself, and the spark still exists.

It's hard to get back once you've lost it.

That goes for yourself, and the relationship.

Matt said...

"We ask a lot from each other....but we do it because there isn't anyone else in the whole world who can fill in all the blank colors with such absolute vivid, perfection."

I've felt the same way recently-- its a great feeling. Sometimes you realize what you have (or had) when its gone and the time apart lets you appreciate all the things you share together. Sometimes the opposite... you just never know I suppose.

But if you or your love ever need anything, Im only a phone call away.

Lora said...

You date yourself, just like you said.

Chelsea said...

"We ask a lot from each other....but we do it because there isn't anyone else in the whole world who can fill in all the blank colors with such absolute vivid, perfection."

I think taking a break is learning to fill in the colors yourself and then being able to share them with the person you love.

I hope everything works out for you. Breaks are hard :(

JUST ME said...

Baby I went through this...early on into our relationship...I had to hitch up my pants and say "well, if this is it, this is IT," and practiced the fine art of being clear and truthful amid shitty, shitty feelings.

If you need to get out, get away for a few days...run around Boulder or Denver or beyond - give me a call or email. I'm ready.

And you're STRONG. And oh so beautiful. You did NYC by yourself. We both did. Jesus. Nothing can keep us down.

Much love.


EMAIL ME!!

ChasingParadise said...

I'm absolutely no good "on a break". It basically consists of me crying a lot and eating my weight in ice cream and cheesecake and then feeling sorry for myself and crying some more.

But you have VEGAS! coming up soon, so that will be good for you.

It's my first vacation alone, so I'm looking forward to finding out how I handle it. :)

L.L. said...

We haven't taken a break - sometimes I think we need to but I'm scared of everything you described. Love is complicated but it's always worth it.

Suz said...

this is such a good post! I am heartbroken right now and you described it perfectly. My on again/off-again/best friend/partner in crime spent the last 6 months or so going back and forth between "breaks", "being together" and being "just friends". Last week I he told me on our last break he had met an underage Golden Corral waitress and he wanted to see where it went with her. He didn't want to say never to me, but just not now because he wanted to see what this chick was about. I was crushed. I cried, begged, screamed. I still feel like a zombie today, but forcing myself to get out of bed, take a shower, and be with friends, seems to be the only thing that helps a little.

Good Luck!

Plaid Guru said...

internet hug.

J. said...

My (ex) boyfriend dumped me a month ago... then quickly did a 180and decided that maybe it was more like 'a break'...
I said no thank you. I realized that if he was willing to let me go- even if just 'for a break' then he wasn't the one for me. And once I realized that, I was completely over it. No more tears, no "why am I not good enough" drama... it was simply the end of us.
Every relationship is different, of course. And no one can tell you if the way you two handle this 'break' is right or wrong.
Listen to your heart. Sometimes it's hard to hear, because the head gets in the way. But if you listen closely, it'll tell you what to do.
Best of luck, my dear. XOXO

hellotaylor said...

I'm in the same situation right now... I haven't been truly single in the last 2 years, so I'm using this time to play the piano, play the guitar, write...

Everything I didn't do when I was with him.

And cry. Lots.

Meg said...

Woah this is an intense post.

Had to comment because I recently went through something similar on a much smaller scale and these are the conclusions I've come up with..

I think that strong, independent girls are really just regular girls who have higher walls around their hearts. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it weeds out a lot of the bull shit - most guys don't have the patience to scale that wall. It's a bad thing though, because when someone does make it inside it's absolutely SO MUCH more painful when that something ends or hits the skids.

I think breaks are a good time to rediscover what it's like to be alone inside those walls. As I get older and deeper into relationships, I realize all that psycho-babble about loving yourself before you love someone else, blah blah blah is so, annoyingly true. I also think that often a "break" is just a break. So many people think it's just a precursor to break up but if both parties are interested in taking some space and rediscovering themselves then it is JUST a break and not an ending.

Best of luck, love.

xoMeg

Nikki said...

Relationships are a tricky bitch! Mostly because someone else has told us how they should be, and then we're disappointed when they don't turn out that way.

Let me tell you a little bit about my marriage anyway...since everyone is different. I spent years trying to find out every single thing about my Husband. Now I'm spending my years trying to forget it all ;) Mystery is new and exciting. Knowing someone inside out can be boring and too much, you have to take their demons with yours. Shockingly, it is do-able. For two years at least.

Brittany said...

When I read this, I felt like I was living your life. I have been in the SAME exact spot as you, a few months ago actually. When we had a "break" I was actually able to see what I wanted and didn't want in our relationship. I was able to get the "me" back that I had lost. I believe it helped and strengthened our relationship since we're now back together. You will either want to be back together or realize this relationship isn't what you want at all. I hope both of you are able to figure out what you want and what is best for you. Hang in there and keep on smiling :-)

Kara said...

I had a break with my boyfriend during the first year of dating and I pretty much cried the entire time. The crappy part? We still hung out. It was a horrible feeling of, "Oh, does he want to end the break now? What about now?" After a month we got back together, but it still took time to fully mend the relationship.

Really, I think you just have to find yourself first. A relationship can't be happy if you're not happy.

wakingupamy said...

Breaks are probably the worst idea that any coward has ever come up with because they didn't know how to cut someone off and let them down easy at the same time. I'm not concluding that this is the case here, but asking for a break really isn't fair. Absence usually doesn't help the heart grow fonder... it only helps you learn how to move on and go it alone again. So the only thing you can do is that. Because otherwise you are just waiting. And waiting drives a person absolutely crazy.

You'll end up being so crazy that when it comes time to face what's really going on here, you won't be ready no matter what. One person will have moved on and the other will be devastated after waiting out the break. Or maybe the "breaker" says, we should try again... and the other person who has been waiting ends up being terribly clingy and needy because they don't want to fuck anything up again and lose their significant other twice.

Your best bet is to prepare yourself to move on because in that preparation you will have learned the lessons that this relationship has taught you, regardless if it's really over or not. You will know what you like about the other person and what you know you won't be able to handle in the future. You will learn that you don't NEED anyone but yourself when times are really tough. Because no one else really understands. And most of all, you will be reminded that YOU are your own #1. You shouldn't compromise your happiness (and neither should he). So whatever happens will be best for everyone in the long run.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Nik said...

rum. lots and lots of rum. that's just me. i like rum and it's never done me wrong.

then i sober up and read some good chic lit and watch some kick ass chic movies and have a couple of good days and a couple of bad days and move on.

oh. and i blog too.

join us. the emos, that is.

;-) things will get better soon girl.

Erin said...

I know the feeling. It totally sucks. I always just kept myself busy busy busy. That helped me the most. I'm sorry life is being tough for your right now. :(

unMuse said...

I've been reading your RSS for a long while now, but have never commented. As someone who has been married 10 years, and is only 32, I think I can shed some light in a corner that may have been overlooked.

It seems like you have a very lofty ideal of love. It's not a bad thing, trust me. I went into my relationship with the same thing. It provides the sparks, the desire, the butterflies and the wanting to wake up and cook eggs even though you hate eggs. But at some point that has to change. It has to be more realistic. Both people have to accept that you're going to annoy the snot out of each other and find ways to communicate through being so utterly pissed off you want to stab someone in the eye with the dullest eyeliner in your collection - especially when cohabiting. The "space game" doesn't work well when you share a home, a bed and bills.

And it's only natural for women to lose themselves in the beginning of a relationship. I've done it in every single one I've been in. All of those little girl dreams invade reality and some-fucking-how you now own 4 aprons with frillies because you think that's how you're supposed to be. But you can't find yourself on your own. You've chosen this person to walk through life with you side by side, yet you've both physically removed yourself from that. The only way your relationship will grow into what you desire it to be is if you work through it together, in the same house. Breaks only further the divide. If he loves you, he wants you to be that crazy, sometimes self-absorbed woman he fell in love with.

What do I do with "breaks"? They don't exist in my relationship because that would be the beginning of the end. You need to figure out what you feel is missing and he needs to be able to openly listen. (Yes he will get angry.) And he needs to figure out what he feels is missing. (Yes, you will get angry.) But unlike every commercial for psychiatric medicines, it's healthy and positive to be angry. What's unhealthy is how you're dealing with stress in your relationship. You can't set a precedent of "space" or "breaks" when things aren't moonbeams and unicorn farts. You have to set the tone for how you deal with dysfunction now.

Go home. Find yourself again through your relationship. Cry and blubber and not understand. Be angry for no apparent reason. It's perfectly ok. It's normal and healthy and true. But don't begin your relationship with bad habits.

I say this out of love, I truly do.

Summer said...

Love is so hard, Sweetheart. It's always changing and sometimes cruel, and that doesn't always mean that it's not going to work out in the end.

My mother gave me excellent advice when I was in the middle of a traumatizing break up. "Sometimes you have to just walk away, even when it hurts so bad that you can barely walk. Just leave the dish towels (I think she was using dish towels to represent all our shared things), chock it up as experience, and move the hell on. And if it's meant to be, believe it or not-- it will be. If not, you'll live to do it all again-- hopefully better." That particular heartbreak? Wasn't meant to be. I lived, learned, and never regretted a minute of it.

Many heartbreaks/lessons later, I'm happily married with three kids. You just never know what this crazy life has in store for you. Just never lose site of yourself.

Rasha said...

Fitting... I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have een together for a really long time. He is my pillar, my rock, my counselor, and everything you said. When we fight, I feel like its the end of the world, because I know if he took himself away, I would not have anything. WHY do we do this? WHY do we let strong selfs, become the weak ones and let someone be the rock?

You have the right idea... and I think I should start doing that too... my relationship may not be over know, but I can tell you my story will be the same if i dont.


Love ya girl!

Jules said...

It's been awhile since I've been in this space, but I can still remember it like it was yesterday. You cry, and cry, and work on yourself, and stay busy, and cry. Then work on yourself some more.

Hugs to you!!

Jess said...

Ugh. This sounds unpleasant, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with it. But I think you have such great perspective on the whole thing. If you use this break/space/etc. as a time to focus on yourself, what you want, what you need, where you're going... then if you guys are able to work past this you will have more of yourself to bring to the relationship, and that is so important.

Good luck! And we are here for you no matter what.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

unmuse- thank you so much, for coming out of the comment closet and saying this- I think you're absolutely right and I really appreciate your insight.

all of your comments have been amazing and i really, really, really appreciate the support and love. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

tonyadesigns said...

I'm not sure what I can add that will sound very positive. Each relationship is unique and I hope that you find whatever it is you're looking for! I've been there. You're a great girl, just remember that!

miss lucille said...

i hope everything works out for the best for you. take this time to, like you said, rediscover yourself.

Scott Teel said...

The only one I've ever met who was my " pillar, the muse, the port in the storm, the provider and the counselor" was my dog. She died a few months ago unexpectedly and I've felt abandoned - maybe stolen from is a better phrase - ever since. I know it's different, I guess the point is, I don't expect to meet anyone who is those things ever again. So I'd say get a dog, they never let you down in their love, not ever...but their lives are way too short and you end up with heartache even with them.

Misery said...

I don't real with 'break' at all, I'm pathetic and more EMO that it's even legal, so really I can't be a person to give any advice here.

But you know what I think? From reading your blog it's clear to see that you're incredibly strong person and you've got SO MUCH positive energy (that you happen to share with us here) that I'm sure you're going to deal with it....Which is my awkward way of saying: don't worry, everything's going to be fine in the end.

There's this saying: whatever doesn't kill you, is going to make you stronger.

xoxo

Candice said...

Ahhhh shit. That sucks Chelsea. I don't know you well enough to offer any words on wisdom but hang in there. And blog your little hear tout.

Randi Lee said...

I do exactly the same thing that you're doing. Find myself again. Be completely me, not in need of another person to make me happy... remember all the reasons why HE'S the one that is lucky to be with ME. Because ladies like us... we kick ass, and any man would be lucky to have us. :-)

Stevie said...

Sending you lots of hugs and happy thoughts. So many of us have been through this before and know what you're going through, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Just remember that you have so much positive encouragement and support and wonderful friendships - keep yourself tapped into that.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

scott teel- fuck, I don't even like dogs. Does a cat work?

Misery- thank you so much

randi- ah yes, KICK ASS GIRLS, I have to remember that....I kick ass! woot.

Kara said...

Oh, honey. Breaks suck under any circumstances. I think you have the right idea - be the best YOU until you can't look back. If you two are right, you'll find each other again.

Psychobabble bullshit aside, please eat at least a quart of ice cream and drink a bottle or two of wine. As a clinician, I can say that it does indeed help.

Liz said...

Fuck, I'm really sorry Chels. I know that body numbing drunk crying thing you're talking about. All too well.

I'm really pulling for you and your Love because from what I've read, you two are pretty fucking adorable together.

I think it speaks volumes that you two are still going focus on your SELVES SEPARATELY during this thing-that-is-not-a-break. Good for you.

Good luck and keep us posted. Try to have fun rediscovering the most important relationship you'll ever have: the one with yourself.
Big hugs<3

coors cowgirl 21 said...

i went through a break-up last year and i'm still trying to find myself after 3 years of being part of something with someone...so i know where you are coming from....keep plugging along...do the soul serching and if it leads you back to him (which i hope it dose) great but you might find something so much better...good luck chica i hope you let us know how it all works out

madelyn said...

I look to you for so much inspiration. I loved this post. Thank you for sharing your heartaches. We all have them <3

Barbara said...

*hugs* I've been there before. It takes a lot to talk about it so openly like you did. I hope getting it off your chest made you feel better.

You'll get through this stronger and smarter than ever. Keep your head up!

Katelin said...

i don't really have much to contribute besides what everyone has already said but i just wanted to send you bigggg hugs and let you know that there is a shot or a drink in vegas with your name on it.

Ethony* said...

I have been there, very recently. I remember the ugly crying (still do it every now and then) asking myself, what now? Who am I again? I remember the numb feeling.

In my experience a 'break' is a guys way of breaking up easy. I think break-ups should be quick and not drawn out, quick allows you to heal properly, even if it does hurt like a f*cker.

Be strong, be good to yourself and if I were you, I would say to him, either we aren't or we are, cause your life is to precious and you are to good to be with a man who just doesn't know.

http://ethony.blogspot.com

Jen said...

I think you find that girl, because, regardless of what happens at the end of your "break/space," you're always with her. She is your first, and your last, love. So fall in love with HER all over again. Then, and only then, things will fall into place.

Michelle said...

Aww, sweetie. I'm sorry you guys are having a tough time. "Breaks" and "space" can be really scary, but can also help you remember what you love and miss about that person when they aren't around. I hope the break leads you both to what you truly want. Hugs.

Jordan F said...

This hurts my heart a lot, because I know it feels to love so intensely, and I know how it feels to sort of lose yourself along the way accidentally. I obviously can't really comment beyond that, since I don't know anything about y'all's relationship, but I do know that the universe has a funny way of working things out the way that they should, and I am sending happy vibes your way! xox

Cinnamon said...

You do exactly what you're doing on your break. You find yourself again, the person that you love and that he learned to love. You're doing exactly the right thing. Good for you, be proud of the woman you are, the woman who can pick herself up and go find things that make you happy.

http://thebusiestbee.blogspot.com/

the "L" spot said...

I'm so sorry!! Breaks break ups spaces they all just suck!! I really hope you guys work things out!! And I really hope reintroduce yourself with single self! Because she sounds like a bad ass!

missy. said...

i understand. breaks suck. good luck love - i think you'll make it through it.

littlemissjuicy said...

Are breaks really the end of the beginning? My ex and I took breaks ALL the fucking time, but they started off pretty early in our relationships, too. That can mean two things...either that we were awfully incompatible, or that we were too in love to keep trying again and again and again. Maybe, if we were in love, then that shows that breaks don't necessarily mean an end, since we kept trying to be with each other. However, we finally ended because it's just too much work to be with each other. I guess everyone's journey with "breaks" is different. If you can find out what you're doing wrong,and try to fix it, it might just work. He'll have to do the same, of course.
But remember, changing ourselves for someone else is never a good idea, unless you're changing something very, very peculiar about yourself. We all have different needs, and different baggage. If X can't handle them, maybe we're better off with Y, and Z?
Only our chosen ones are who we depend on to be there when there's a flat tire etc... it seems a bit odd that in this whole wide world, there can only be one of those?

Erin said...

This is a fabulous post. Breaks are good. I have been married for almost 9 years and still make a habit of taking myself to the movies (alone), or out to lunch by myself...Of course I also do things with girlfriends, too. But I think it's important to take time re-finding yourself, centering, etc.

You are so amazing and strong. You can do it.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

katelin- YES, YES AND YES.

Jen-...I like that idea a lot and i'm definitely working on it.

littlemissjuicy- Oh yes....I've had one of those too...we did really love eachother but it was always back and forth, back and forth- one page behind, or ten steps ahead.

Hater Von G said...

Gah, I don't think I've experienced this. My marriage went from 100 to 0 in one week. There was no down hill tumble, it just spontaneously combusted.

I do, however, think that breaks are the pussy footers way to say "i really don't think i want this anymore". A small taste of 'freedom' (for lack of a better word) can do a lot to someone.

abrandname said...

Chelsea! I hate breaks and space and all that jazz!

I am thinking of you and hoping you and your intended can find a way back to each other.

woodlandsblonde said...

I really despise 'breaks' or needing 'space'...you're supposed to work through things together. If it was one thing I could go back and do w my current boy - was when he asked for space I would have helped him pack his bags instead of trying to keep him.

-Everything you chase in life runs away-

Whatever this 'break' means, I think you are absolutely RIGHT on...get back to you!

citysoliloquy said...

I think we all need a break/space to find ourselves every now and again. Even if it's just a case of remembering who we are/were.

I went on an involuntary break from my boyfriend (of 4.5 years) when we had to be separated for 4 months as I was sorting out my visa and he was in another country working. It was tough and awful, but i rediscovered myself and in the long-run it was good for me. It made me realise how positive breaks can be - involuntary or not -as we all need a little time to breathe once in awhile.

Take the time to focus on you and take care of yourself. Sending out a huge big fat all enveloping internet hug your way

Nikki xxxxxxxx

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

hate von g- ah yes, this is what I fear I suppose.

citysoliloquy- I definitely think happens too where sometimes you just need, or life just forces you to have a "break"...and then sometimes things work out, if they're meant to.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you or how to make you feel any better but I suck balls at this. Just know that I'm passing you the vodka and nodding because I get this. Really, I do. Love you, bitch.

Shanley said...

After being in a relationship for 4 years I finally decided to move on and have a relationship with myself. It sounds stupid, but it's true.

I left someone because I relied on them for security, comfort, something to do. I loved him, yes, but knew after a while that I needed to learn to find that security in comfort in myself.

After 4 months of not being together, I have to say that I am so proud of myself. How many 20 something year old girls can say I don't NEED a boyfriend. When I have a bad day I can find the comfort within my friends and family and within myself.

I can't believe that I have actually found this feeling... IT'S SO INCREDIBLE. I'm doing things for myself that I never would have thought i had the courage to do, and I hope you get the same thing out of your break/space/breakup.

GO FOR IT!!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

shanley- I admire that, absolutely. It certainly isn't that I NEED him, I feel like I've been incredibly self-sufficient and brave, confident, etc for a long time...my love simply supplimented that and in turn sometimes I forgot that even with out him I stand alone just fine. I totally hear what you're saying though, absolutely and I agree that it's important...I do think there can be a balance of both?

Felisa said...

Ahh why is everyone heart broken? I am too... except we never decided to take time from each other. He just stopped talking to me and is still giving me the cold shoulder to this day... and knowing him, I know yelling/ begging/ crying/ screaming won't help in any way...

Well hopefully your "break" doesn't extend to more than a few days. Yeah, it's good to have space sometimes but most of the time, you'll just have to deal with things whether you like it or not and realize that "going away for a little bit" isn't going to fix anything. It's kind of a cop out and if you intend on making it work, you can't take shortcuts or breaks or whatever because that IS just like peeling the band aid off slowly...

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Anonymous said...

i've been reading for awhile, but haven't commented...while i agree with lots that others have said, the one piece of wisdom i could offer is one once offered to me:
"never take a step backward. not even to gain momentum."

Alexandra Friedman said...

Chelsea... Tis why you have been out of the game! I knew something was up... Darling, if anybody can help you with this break, it is me... Trust me, we hate time when it ages us, but we love it when it comforts us (made that up). My point... Right now the break is about how to move to the more you... But, to be honest, I have noticed that when I just accept where I am... plain and simple... and not just saying it, but truly beliveing it, is where I have seen the most change. Forcing yourself to "find you" will result in putting a lot of pressure on yourself... You are probably not the old Chelsea anymore... time to find the new one during this resting period.

With that said, get back to work! Just kidding... perhaps we get together next week for a walk down the Cherry Creek Path during my lunch break... We can walk really fast and swing our arms like crazy walking women.

floreta said...

BREAKS IMHO are worse than break UPS. at least you know with break ups that its finally. i HATE relationship purgatory. good luck. i think this thread can mend if you find that girl that was confident again.. and try not to selfdestruct/sabotage eachother. otherwise, it WILL be a break UP. from my personal experience, anyway...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

alex- I LOVE THAT IDEA. I know, I can't hide anything- that's what happens when you're a blogger I suppose....you can try and work through things on your own and then it all spills out on the internet anyhow. I would LOVE, LOVE ot power walk with you.

Sid said...

*hugs*

Hope everything works out.

Break-up: Surf. The minute you're in the water you simply forget about everything. Problems no longer exist. All you're thinking about is standing/riding the wave.

BeckEye said...

I have no idea. I'm exactly the opposite. I've always been the single gal. I've just never been able to really get a relationship to work. Maybe I'm just a loner and a rebel, like Pee-Wee.

Jeri said...

oh man, I feel for your heart right now lady. while my heart has mended, I remember the sheer and utter pain of it all. great post. I have no suggestions/remedies except to keep being you. And I hope things work out however they're supposed to.

I do what I want! said...

OMG did you write this for me? I am going through the same exact thing. :( Sail your boat to Vegas and we will go out!

Lindsay said...

I've always thought of a "break" as the beginning of the end. But I'm a long-time reader of your blog and I HAVE TO believe that in your case this is just a little hiccup in your relationship. I truly believe you'll come out of this stronger, both together and apart.

alabaster cow said...

i've totally been a beggar/stalker before. it's one of the worst hurts imaginable and i've had a human pass through my hoohah...is that how you even spell "hoohah"? whatever, moving on...

sorry you're going through this. but you are that intelligent, creative, independent person. you're hilarious and a great writer. focus on that for the time being. everything else will heal itself. and if not then i owe you a drink. or seven.

Unlucky Lucy said...

I've been on breaks and through breakups and in space, distance, time apart...whatever you want to call it. And it sucks. But I think it's also necessary. You become so dependent on a person that you forget who you are, forget that you can exist without him or her.

My boyfriend and I are discussing the possibility of me moving out now. For space. For reflection. For who knows what. I don't know what will come of it. But we need it otherwise we'll surely kill each other. I'm just hoping absence will make the heart grow fonder...

Chrissie Williams said...

i see a lot of people talking about "losing ourselves in relationships" and "regaining our independence" through breaks/time apart...

and i can't help but wonder why we can't work on those things while still WITH that person.

i think the strongest relationships are those that don't break when these things need to be worked on, when you're given space within the relationship not just outside of it.

i sometimes think breaks are the easy way out, it is much harder to live with someone you are having issues with than to wish them away and then romanticize things from a distance...

of course, i'm no expert!!!

that said, i hope you get through this time and come out of it a happier, more fulfilled person, no matter what shape that takes...

brookem said...

you have 70 something comments on this post and fuck, im no relationship expert whatsoever. but i do want to say that im thinking of you a lot, and i sincerely hope that everything works out with you and your love as it's supposed to. take good care of yourself. xo

@ said...

Dear Chelsea -

People talk a lot about what we, as women, "deserve". They say, "Oh you DESERVE better!"

Well, the fact is, everyone - man, woman, child, animal, deserves to be loved as equally as THEY love. Anything else creates an imbalance in a relationship, and even if it's not glaring at first, this kind of thing tends to gain water over time.

I'm not at ALL suggesting that your boyfriend doesn't love or care about you as much as you do him; I'm merely suggesting that if you love him and wouldn't risk losing him, then he should feel the same about you. That is what you both deserve. Partnerships are complicated beasts, but the desire to be in one should not be.

I hope everything works out for you. You seem like a heck of a lady!

- Your former Guidespot Colleague, @

Anonymous said...

Dear Chelsea,
I am the Queen of break ups..I have felt every emotion that you are feeling, and a few more, because when you have two children with someone, and then one more with some one else, you really despair. You aren't just crying and sobbing for you, but for the children who will no longer have a Daddy in their lives.
Anytime you need, or want to, we can go out for a few drinks, or even just coffee, and I can give you my ideas and you cvan compare your feelings with mine. You know me well. I live upstairs. And, I love you deeply, my sweet Grand Daughter.

Anonymous said...

P.s. "Breaks" usually work out, by the two people either finding some one else, or just sleeping around, for awhile. But, I have heard of a few who have actually gotten back together, realizing that they can only love that one person forever!

Princess Pointful said...

It's so easy to lose yourself in someone, to think that you cannot exist without them, that a piece of you will be forever empty without them. But, really, we all love so much better when we are a whole on our own, and that other person is just a bonus. I hope the space helps :)

The Non-Student said...

SCL broke up with me for approximately 5 weeks. The space made him realize what a fucking idiot he was for breaking up with me and committing to me for real. I hope anyway. We just got back together on Monday. I learned I need to do more fun things for myself.

chloe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hannahkaty.com said...

I am holding you tight in my heart right now lady, hold your head up. You are taking all the right steps, now get out there and do some cartwheels.

Best,

Hannah Katy

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

granny- you're a gem. love you.

former guidespot colleague- whichever one this is... :) I love this and I appreciate the comment, I couldn't agree more and actually, I think he see that we both deserve that...and we're working it out.

Caro said...

I sure know what you are talking about. I've been away from the blogging world for about 2 weeks, because we taught that I should move out that our relationship would be better...arent you supposed to move in, not out?

Anna said...

Well with my first serious relationship "taking a break" meant "I'm going to sleep with other people and then get back together with you when I get bored." Not helpful? Alright, on to the good stuff. I hope that this break is what you guys need to regroup and come back together stronger. It's always a shock when you find yourself on your own again suddenly. You will become comfortable with yourself again and then you will be awesome when you're together. Good luck!

Je said...

GAH!
Late to the game on this... but this is one of those moments when you hear a great, great couple has broken up and you're like,
"THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ANY OF US, EVER, IN A RELATIONSHIP!!"

Like when Brittany and KFed broke up, obvs.

Long story short, I really, really hope you guys survive. I love reading about how ridiculously in love you are... and I can't wait until I find that again!

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Frak, I'm going through the same exact thing. It's awful. I am ashamed at how lost I feel. I don't know that there's a map to rediscover ourselves. The only thing I console myself with is that having loved deeply is a beautiful reflection on the beholder, that they can so fully live and be engrossed in life. It means more pain too, but damn those highs are high.

 
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