I got REALLY "life-y" today....
Like, I made a specific trip to Target to buy binders....um, who the fuck buys binders? Children, students, teachers, parents...and people with plans. Funny, because I'm none of those things. I don't have plans, I just sort of have "ideas" that just maybe end up happening when I get bored enough, or some molecules end up bumping up against other molecules causing some fabulous stroke of "luck" and I find myself doing something totally bananas that I hadn't foreseen (story of my life.) The rest of the time, I do things like buy binders, make lists, try to "figure it out and make it happen" and tell people things are going really, really well when in real-time they're actually just kind of stagnant, and I'm fucking bored out of my mind enough to buy BINDERS.
Let me tell you the worst part, you know what I used these binders for? TO SAVE THINGS FROM MAGAZINES. This was just DAYS after I created a budget.... annnd cue laugh track.
Uh..... Hysterical. This magazine thing was sort of like an activity that would be scheduled on an old folks home on "mixer day" It's like,"Hey, old people- busy yourself, with pictures of fancy things that you don't have, and yeah, India would be awesome- but you can't go! mua ha ha."
Sort of like that.
(To make matters worse, I also painted a birdhouse the other day.)
I divided my gigantic binder into 4 sections; food, home, travel, and "pretty things." And now that I'm done bitching about whoever makes activities like this at old folks homes and boredom- if you feel as guilty as I do throwing out magazines....seriously- save the good stuff in a binder, because even though I felt like a gigantic toolbag whilst doing this activity, I'm convinced it'll be useful down the line...and it makes me look organized, which is hilariously untrue.
Look, currently, this binder is entirely unnecessary, I don't live in a permanent residence and I don't even cook- I mean, I will always undoubtedly have a great restaurant recommendation in various zip codes, for various types of cuisine...and I probably have the happy hour schedule memorized, but if you want me to figure out how to "double a recipe," or cook the chicken just right, I start looking for the closest exit sign, or check to see if I still have ovaries. Not to cook...but to you know, see if I evolved from the female species.
I wanted this binder because I wanted to set the best intention that SOMEDAY I will have stability, that allows space for throw pillows, gardening, and pretty platters of lavender infused macaroons.
I don't know if it's that everyone's getting married, there's bridal showers, there's graduations- people are all excited about life, while I'm just collecting ideas to maybe get excited about if all goes according to the "plan." HONESTLY, I'm in dire need of a change of scenery so I'm collecting images of what that "scene" will look like once I decide to make a choice.. And because I have absolutely no clue what that is, all I can think is to build this "magical" life...page by page, in plastic casing, in a binder.
...and that's pretty "Life-y." And you know what scares me about the binders, the old folks homes, and the fact that I already know I'd like to grow poppy's and basil in my "someday garden"....is this;
I'm "dream-y" not "life-y"...and can you be dreamy- and life-y at the same time? Or do you have to choose one? I'm working and living and pursuing, but there's still this nagging voice that says, "there's got to be more than this...right?"
Collecting images of antique roll top desks, persian rugs, ceramic bowls and panzanella recipes means that underneath I have this desire/belief that I'll be "home-y" which eventually means, LIFE-Y and that means eventually I'll have things like rolling pins and required volunteer hours at schools and 6am swim meets and sneaky sex when the kids are asleep. With their father, ideally. And all of that sounds nice....perfectly nice, someday....just not now.
And I guess with all the uncertainty that surrounds my life constantly there's something oddly comforting about knowing somewhere in my home there's this binder full of future life projections....and that I don't have those things RIGHT NOW, because there's other amazing things I need to experience first...and that right now, it's ok to be flailing around with clumsy optimism that I'll have a few million in the bank by the time I'm 30 and that Oprah could be my next boss.
As for now, when in doubt refer to page 27 of "the binder"... there's always a really nice chaise lounge waiting for me....someday.
What does LIFE look like to you??