Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Affirmations help....but not half as much as tequila and glitter.


"I'm a warrior princess....I'm a warrior princess....I can do this....."

I repeated this in my head about a million times while I half-humanly drove to the place My Love and I lived together....I knew the instant I walked in the door I would be floored by emotions and literal beast like blubbering....so I prepared myself with affirmations and chick-pop- specifically affirmations that made me feel like someone who has a palace, suitors and unnaturally thick hair and Tigers for pets, the more magical I told myself I was the more I'd be able to endure the next couple hours of my life with grace.

Yeah, well you know what isn't fucking graceful? Clutching to someones dirty laundry in an attempt to make them "Real" to you again, thinking if you just squeeze his shirt close enough to your face and close your eyes that maybe he'll come walking through your front door and say he was being an idiot and didn't mean it- I went to our apartment to retrieve, well, my life and ended up spending two entirely unproductive hours bawling on the floor into his favorite t-shirt. It still smelled like him....the musk, the collar, it was worn like he was practically still in it.... I didn't want any of our STUFF, I didn't want the dishes, the curtains, the rug....everything just looked like it was only half-mine. I didn't even want my clothes.... every brightly colored floral, button down, tattered jeans had an attachment to memories of US...they lived through our "moments."

Listen, people don't prepare you for this kind of shit- there's no handbook. There's no amount of "warrior princess" you can call yourself to withstand physically moving THINGS out of a life you were perfectly happy living and into one that is now completely empty. Stuff doesn't even matter anymore- nothing feels worth having if you don't possess a HEART to even enjoy it.

I pulled out the trash bags...and started throwing random objects in it. Nope, I don't want his shirt. Nope, I don't want my blankets. Nope, underwear are unnecessary? Nope, who needs forks and board games? Useless. Nope, I don't want.....fuck- I don't want anything.....but you know what I DO want, these here winter gloves?

THAT'S THE THING; When you finally feel like taking something it's the most NON-THREATENING object you can find. In the middle of summer all I really wanted to take with me were a pair of wool, winter gloves.

....you know why? Because these gloves didn't fucking tear my heart out of my chest. Gloves don't tell you they need "space" and "selfishness." Last I heard, gloves make snowmans? And hold cocoa. And are probably around during magical Christmas times that involved caroling and merriment and blushing cheeks?

The only things I wanted were things that held no attachment to what was so achingly void in my life now. I haven't bothered looking in the bag yet, but in my fog of sifting through my life I think I ended up leaving it with gloves, a stapler, a pair of turquoise tights, and a few sports bras ....and my book of Life List goals- at least I could start crossing some of them off with warm hands and a uni-boob.

The last two weeks have been all sorts of EPIC DISCOMFORT and manic mood swings.....but through it all I've been reminded of what an INCREDIBLY LOVING, SUPPORTIVE group of friends, family, bloggers and readers I have. From deliveries of flowers from Rachel, Derek (hi ladies, this one here is a gem) and Jenny....down to every single comment, email, message and moments of genuine mothering from my girlfriends who have (despite my reluctance to be cared for) huddled around me like animals in a pack and let me grieve and drink too much shamelessly. I honestly didn't even know how many people I had that wouldn't just be there for me, but that would be ROCKS for me, unwavering, strong, ports in the storm. The salvation at the end of the day has been all of you and these Earth angels that have swooped in, thrown me on their wings and said, "it'll be okay....maybe not today...but eventually." I've also found salvation in Cabernet, convincing myself that Jake Gyllenhaal would love me if he knew I existed and back episodes of The City, but whatever.

So, maybe Warrior Princesses do throw themselves on the ground and cry....maybe what makes them warriors is the fact that they show up to battle, suffer the tragedy, let the wounds bleed and heal....and allow themselves those moments of fragility and surrender. In the absolute stillness and pitch black of night they decide to pray out loud again...maybe for the first time ever...and admit that yes, this time around I'm gonna need some assistance. It isn't ideal to have puffy eyes and snot pouring out of your nose and eyes and mouth (??), it isn't regal or composed to find yourself debilitated by heartache, or pitifully staring at photographs of when it was "good"....it isn't the "strong, inspired, independent Chelsea Talks Smack".... those moments aren't the picture of warrior-like attributes....

...no, not those moments......

It's the moments AFTER- the ones where you pick your Warrior Princess off the floor, throw your bags of useless objects in the back of your car, take an exaggerated deep breathe like it's the first and last one of your life....and continue.



What makes you feel STRONG????






61 comments:

CuppyCakes said...

Posts like this.

I went through a break up seven months ago, and as much as I don't want to admit it, it broke me much more than I wanted to let it.

Knowing I'm not the only one makes me feel a little bit stronger.

Felisa said...

What makes me feel strong? Knowing that I am. Sure, THINKING that you're strong doesn't recharge you immediately but if the alternative is to let yourself feel defeated all the time, I'd rather be delusional and believe that even though I feel like my body, my heart and my soul had been hit by a sack of doorknobs that I AM strong enough to live through it and be a better person as a result of it. You're a strong woman, Chelsea. I didn't even have the balls to write about it all when it was hitting me. Meanwhile here you are sharing (and I'm sure you're reliving as you're writing) so for that, props. And still sending well wishes your way girl :)

L.L. said...

Get your ass to the gym! You already know you're mentally strong and tough as nails even when you're experiencing something like this - but I swear, lift some weights, run, gain physical strength, and the mental stuff will all fall into place.

Even though you're writing about being a blubbering mess, I assure you I still think you're hard as fuck.

Mucho grande love to you!

littlemissjuicy said...

Chelsea,
I don't know if you remember but months ago, when my ex had just broken up with me, I had asked you to post something along the lines of telling us how to handle a devastating break-up. And now you have. Only, the situations and the circumstances that have lead you to do so are something I, and I'm sure you, never imagined! I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
We're here. It'll all be okay. It has to doesn't it?

Megan said...

You are strong; and you are right--being able to let go of pride and throw yourself on the floor to cry proves your strength.

~*~Lilly~*~ said...

Here is something i found once upon a time when i sat in your very same shoes. Shit hurts...but in some odd strange way this helped:
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." ~ Henry Ford.

Grieve like you need to grieve & don't hold it in...it's best to get it out now then bottle that shit up while it turns into toxic gas to explode later. :o)

Stacey Paradise said...

This right here: "maybe what makes them warriors is the fact that they show up to battle"

YOU NAILED IT.

You showed up, you let yourself fall apart, then you took that big deep breath and kept going. That's what makes you bad ass and strong.

Amanda Blair said...

Posts like this. I'm still trying to put back the pieces of a shattered heart. It's one of the most painful things to go through in life but it's all the where you grow the most. I know I did and I still am. The pain forces you to look at yourself through a clearer lens and break through your own bullshit. The pain helped me grow into an even more better woman and for that I am thankful. P.s. Are you a life coach? I think you would be really good at it. Your posts always reach into my soul an say exactly what I'm feeling. thank you!

Herding Cats said...

*Hugs* to you Chelsea! You are a warrior princess for even allowing yourself to feel the pain and heartbreak. It's the only way you can heal! Let people take care of you for now, and if it involves tequila - all the better.

rondamarie said...

Having been through this before these posts are almost too hard for me to read. You perfectly portray how it feels to have your heart, your life, crushed. Its all sorts of ouchie.

Also? Give Derek my address, I could use some flowers from a cute boy too :)

Heather said...

Gosh, it's like you just replayed what went down with my break up. It's so painful to walk back into the place where there are so many memories. I mean I put my heart and soul into the house that we were supposed to live in together only to be forced to pack up my shit and leave. In the end all I know is that I wake up and remind myself of all of the much harder things I have been through. This is just a minor bump in the road. Joy would never be understood if pain didn't also exist. Enjoy your friends because they will be the ones that stay forever.

Alexis said...

You know how with you I am right now. I haven't brought myself to post about it yet, but it will be soon.

I love you a hell of a lot, I know we'll get through our heartbreaks & live to love another day together. I'm finding strength in all the people around me that want to help.

I've tried to focus on me a lot, pampering myself & doing things that have always helped me be meditative or that I feel strong doing...things that help me feel balanced & remind me of how awesome I am (like painting). ;)

That & trashy TV, lots of trashy reality shows...yup.

tonyadesigns said...

I agree with what Stacey said. Sometimes you just have to be, and that takes all the strength in the world sometimes. One day at a time.

Meg said...

Doing things that He used to do with/for me makes me feel so strong. It's a proverbial middle finger to coupledom - screw you former-significant-other, I don't need you - all I need is a good vibrator and a handbook on how to change my oil.

xoMeg

Anonymous said...

All the crap you couldn't take with you from the apartment, that was too full of memories.....donate it. Do something to help others in less fortunate, more desperate situations than you...that will give you strength beyond measure. You will forget about the idiot ex who lied to you and realize that it WAS NOT meant to be. A broken heart sucks...but it will heal and the new-improved "stronger" heart will make you even more beautiful and kick ass than you already are!!!
Rock it!

Sizzle said...

You know what makes me feel strong? Knowing women like you. This is the farthest thing from easy but your surviving it and sharing it and pushing forward when all you want to do is lay down. I get that. And I admire the honestly with which you live your life.

Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JUST ME said...

NO ONE prepares you for the shittiness of a break-up. We just have to bushwack our own way through.

PS: I've gotten the "I need to be selfish" line before. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Ben said...

This is how I pictured your return to the scene of the crime. It made me happy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41LG2k-ivVY

im_anewsoul said...

Usually going to the gym and doing yoga or dancing up a storm to hard hip hop songs that make your heart pump before the first move. But for me I'm usually strong when I least expect it. I feel strong after accomplishing something I know that's needed. I feel strong after singing a baby to sleep. I feel strong with love after learning and growing from all past experiences to become who I am now.

Lisa Lisa Lisa said...

This is such an incredible post; mostly because you are so right, and very honest.

Liz said...

I think doctors should prescribe you some miracle drug to help you cope with breakups. I fucking hate them. That nauseous feeling int he pit of your stomach that never goes away, the crying the complete devastation. FUCK IT. It's the absolute worst and I'm sorry you're going through it sweets.

You're incredibly resilient {from what I've read} and I have faith that after a month or two of this bullshit you WILL be ok. It's just gettting through this difficult time thats the hard part. Luckily it sounds like you've got an awesome support system.

Let me know if there's anything I can do. <3

Nikki said...

Wine doesn't make me feel strong. But I swear it makes me think a little more clear sometimes.

I read a good quote the other day..."if you're going through hell, keep going"

xoxo

Larissa said...

It is lovely and brave of you to share your pain with us. It makes us stronger, it helps us live through our pains, and I suspect it makes you stronger too.

I offer you a quote-

"Wounded, but not slain, I lay me down to bleed a while; then rising- I shall fight again."


Larissa

Chelsea Talks Smack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Ben- I can always count on you to understand ;) that's exactly what it was like. lol.

J-Diggety said...

No manual will ever fully prepare you, but letting the wounds bleed and heal, like you said, does. You got this... you got this...
xoxo J

Elizabeth said...

I can't say I've ever really had my heart broken. And maybe I have no business even posting a comment on "what makes me strong" if I haven't experienced that. But what I do know is that I've experienced some really hard times in my life and what I find that makes me strong is what you find that makes you strong:

1) friends/family
2) tequila
3) the thought in my mind to "just keep going"

I allow myself moments to cry, have hissy fits, and throw shit, but I have my moments - we all do. But you have to keep going. Every step makes you stronger already.

Sending you the best, Chelsea!

-Elizabeth
@_happygolucky_

Anonymous said...

It's all about finding the silver lining.

its always there- sometimes you have to search a little harder.

the rainbow after the storm.

Grace Boyle said...

Fuck Chels, this was so beautiful I am sitting at work crying.

I know the feeling. The "supposed" warrior princess then feeling torn apart, stomped on, left in the gutter, defeated and alone. I do. I do. Maybe your words reminded me of those moment(s), yes there have been more than one and I don't know how I endured them. It makes me sad, it makes me wonder, it makes me confused but in the end, I know somehow I come out on the other side. It doesn't mean we aren't changed FOREVER. Sometimes it takes years, like years and there's no timeline and you're right, no handbook.

But your last paragraph nailed it on the head and is absolutely beautiful. I hear a glimmer of that strength and most of all, honesty. For real honesty. That's the real shit, Chels. xo

Scott Teel said...

I'm packing to move to a new apartment - alone, no one helping - and have been putting off the cabinets where my dog's biscuits and treats and leashes and other things are. I haven't opened them in nearly a year now, since she died, and don't know how to handle it. It was so sudden, some boxes aren't even open yet. No point in taking them, but I can't give them away or throw them out...they were bought to give HER, they're HERS...I still want to give them to her, she loved them so much...I can't accept that I won't be...

I don't know how I'll survive it when I have to go through them in the next day or so. I don't even have words for the sorrow. I think it's similar to what you're doing, too.

Jessica said...

keep your head up love. I'm going through the exact same thing. right. now. remind yourself who you are. who you were before him. who you are now. be grateful for the things he made you realize about yourself. feel free to cry and scream and hate him for every bad, stupid thing he's said or done. and once you've cried and screamed, be over it. will yourself to hurt then will that hurt to leave your body, leave your mind, leave your surroundings. you're strong, you're beautiful, and you have to make yourself happy before you allow yourself to be happy with someone else.

I say these affirmations to myself every day. they make me stronger every morning, and will me happy dreams at night.

xoxo

Aunt Becky said...

What makes me feel strong is knowing that I'll walk out of whatever shitstorm I'm in and be better for it...eventually.

Renegades said...

What makes me feel strong is dealing with a death of a loved on in a normal grieving way. Of dealing with the chaos of a move in a normal way. Trying to get better after trying the alternative of hurting myself. I make myself feel strong along with the amazing support system I have.

Andrea said...

I work out a lot after a breakup. Partially for revenge, i.e. "LOOK HOW HOT I AM YOU IDIOT," but also because it burns off a lot of my negative energy. And I can eat all I want.

Robin said...

I left you a comment on your last blog, but I know that everything is spiralling like crazy right now. Been there, done that. That comment said that I dedicated to you a video on my HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY post (last Thursday - a week from tomorrow). It is only a couple of minutes, but speaks directly to what you're going through. (The old lady in the vid is God.)~~~~You may not be a Warrior Princess, but you are not alone. It sounds like you have some pretty awesome "real life" friends, blogging friends, family, and I can tell that you have a strong spiritual center. You feel broken right now. Crushed. Ripped apart. Once you survive this, you will know that you can survive anything.

Meg said...

Having a cry and wallowing in self-pity, and then kicking my own ass into gear and getting on with my day. It shows me I haven't given up :D

Mindy said...

You feel broken. Sad. Horribly achy inside. But it's good to see that you - the funny, witty girl we all adore, even if silently most of the time - is still there. How do I know she is? Lines like "at least I could start crossing some of them off with warm hands and a uni-boob."

So many of us have been here and know what you are going through. And unfortunately, I can't even remember what helped me be strong. I just recall way too many days spent laying on my floor, staring at who-knows-what and listening to Blink 182's "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket."

Babe in Sugarland said...

OMG you have me in tears right now. I have been through this and feel like any minute now I will be packing myself up and leaving the relationship I'm in.

When you talked about praying because you just need assistance...that was me last night. God and I have not been an talking terms for years. But there I was tears, snot and all sprawled out on my office floor. Pleading for help. I felt like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat. Pray. Love. when she just needed to know what to do and had no clue how to do it.

Though we have never met I thank the universe for you. You are enduring a hell of a time right now but the way you process it in words is helpful/amazing/ meaningful to all of us. I hope you know that.

Stay strong love.

Nina Amelia said...

You've got it girl. As you write, you may need assistance (as the rest of humanity) but you, YOURSELF picked you up from the floor.

LiLu said...

*big, fat skwudge*

Also? Go get you some drunk ass karaoke, girl. I only wish I could do it with you.

Paul said...

Since I'm just a lurking reader... you don't know me & we don't have any kind of connection beyond I like reading what you write.
I'm sorry that you have to endure feeling ruined and forever changed and that the price for entering into this crappy-club empties your reserve of hope and joy... no one asks to be let in.

So to answer 'What makes me feel strong ?'
you probably only care what makes us feel strong when we don't believe it's true.

for that... I find my foundation, the things I know are 100% unshakable... there are a few songs I KNOW are kickass, and people/family I know are worthy of my time, accomplishments I have made that no one can take away from me or poke holes in or undercut. At my darkest times I did not yet have a foundation of faith, but I have that now. It too is also in my tiny bag of unshakable truths that I can reach for in the dark, cold, chaos of uncertainty and find something that feels like solid ground.

find your unshakable foundation, even if it is only one thing you have ever done right, heard, said or believed in and stand on it.
That’s how I feel strong when I doubt it is even possible.

Ellen@FirednFabulous said...

I think it's all the shit and rejection that happens to me on a constant basis that makes me strong. Because I keep on keepin' on. When I want to give up, I don't. I know you're the same way. Keep your head up, girl. I know you'll have your moments, but just like everything else, you WILL get through them. I'm glad you have so many wonderful people around you!

Molly said...

Getting through something like this made me feel strong. And now I feel like I can do ANYTHING. You will too if you don't already!

mn said...

knowing that i am strong. i've always believed that. i can't believe i can cook worth a damn, but i believe i can stand a lot of other things. and surviving PMS.

Kara said...

Oh sista friend, I'm so sorry. I found out that a piece of shit ex of mine was gay somewhere at the year mark of our relationship and that he had experimented with men prior to our relationship without telling me. Thus putting me at an unforseen health risk. He also dated my gay bff shortly thereafter which soiled our friendship for a long time. Long story short, I NEVER understood the true value of girlfriends until that horrid time of my life. They saved me, no doubt about it. I'll never forget the things they did to make me feel better.

Stay strong warrior chica. We have incredible power to persevere <3

Carrie said...

omg girlfriend i had to jump in here and throw you a fucking rope. i dated a guy for 8 years. he was my bff beyond bff - still recovering from the breakup. just be kind to yourself. i'd write more but my bloody wound's scabbed over and i don't want the bitch to reopen. hang.in.there.

Jen said...

What makes me strong?

You. This post. And, one more time for good measure, you. Thank you for putting it out there. To know that every emotion we've all felt before or are going to feel one day regarding breakups is real. Keep your beautiful chin up.

Lora said...

saying things like "it'll be okay....maybe not today...but eventually" and knowing that it's true for all of us makes me feel strong

Cheryl said...

You make me strong, Chelsea.
I hope he's downing shots of Tequila and drowning in his sorrows at a crummy bar for losing the best thing he had going for him.

Sil said...

When I readed your post it only made me think of the heartbreaks I've gone trough, and at the time i always thought I wouldn't make it... but I did... and so will you.

Doniree said...

I don't know that I have words to express the reaction I feel right now to you, to this - On the one hand, I feel empathy. I know what it feels like to question your strength, your ability to even BREATHE, and I know what it's like to start FEELING again - really painful feelings, really difficult thoughts and a process that I'd wish upon no one. I know what it's also like to start to emerge from that, to know what salvation feels like, salvation offered in the form of a bottle of wine, more sleep than ever, tears, girlfriends, and most importantly - YOUR OWN STRENGTH.

It's beautiful, it's heart-wrenching, and you may not think you're living this in grace, but didn't Imogean Heap remind us that there's beauty in the breakdown?

Because there is. And YOU are STUNNING.

Kim said...

I loved this post. I know it was hard to do and hard to write, but it was so poignant.

DShan said...

There are some days that you wake up with a to-do list a mile long and a truly gorgeous blanket of sun splashing through the streets of a city you don't know much about, and you kind of wish you could just go to the beach and leave your life for a day.

Then you read something so truly poignant that you aren't even in that weird city anymore; you're in the tragedy of love and it's sheer strength...you're painstakingly aware of how much your own heart has gone through and you're seeing someone brilliant and beautiful go through it worse than you probably ever had it and you can't believe the courage it's possible to witness in a simple blog post.

You breath strength and resilience and you do it over and over again and you write at the truth, scream at the world, and come out the other end perfect the way you are.

chicknamedhermia said...

Jesus.

I'm very rarely floored, Chelsea, but this completely shocked me!

I'm been a crappy blogger for the last couple of weeks so I completely missed your last post.

I'm so so so so so sorry.
I really am.
I always felt a bit of a connection with you because what you seemed to have was what I felt I had and you were so unashamedly open and honest about it, it was just comforting.

The Boy and I almost broke up last week and the pure horror I felt at the possibility was crippling so it pains me to think what you're going through right now.

He's a git.
I dunno if you want to hear that or not, so if you don't, just erase it from your memory.

We all have our weak moments, our unsure weeks, but that was just cruel.
It's not as though you dragged him into committment....it was a mutual thing and then suddenly (very suddenly) he needs to cut and run.

You don't need someone that selfish in your life, darling.
You deserve SO much better!

Erin said...

I think your sense of humor will get you through it! You are a very funny writer.

melifaif said...

You are....I am with you lady. Praying for your internal repair. You are a beautiful soul. And taking time is okay to heal what marks have been left. Love ya.

Lindsay said...

INCREDIBLE post! I think you just put into words what heartbreak really is, and most people think it's indescribable.

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