Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I mean, I'd commit to me. I'D TOTALLY MARRY ME.


Long before someone actually runs out on us, we usually run out on ourselves.

Here we are entranced with this human being who is potentially going to forgo any other mate/partnership for, ideally the rest of your life to surrender that to you and who is seemingly as mystified by your commitment to them as you are, so you're hooked, you're totally hook-in-lip-fucking-caught, so naturally- you start planning and committing to hypothetical baby names, foreign language schools "a must," (because who doesn't want babies that speak French?) color schemes and summer plans. You plan for the future, as a way to sort of "seal the deal"-as false comfort, to feel like....well, no matter what- I know I at least have little French-speaking babies running around, seven years from now.

We plan for the future when we're with someone we think we'll co-create it with. The problem is sometimes we run so far ahead of ourselves that we actually run away from planning, the RIGHT. NOW. Shit, we run away from LIVING the right now.....

and the one that always gets stuck is YOU.

The "future you" looks really good. She really does- she's just as charming as you are now, but more so because she has that extra sparkle on the inside, she has better skin, she doesn't use her purse as a traveling trash can, she never forgets her camera case, she gets facials regularly, she has her priorities in check- she's TOTALLY. FUCKING. ACCOMPLISHED. She finally has a bank account filled to the brim, she finally has that validation she's been seeking- she's living on the grand scale. She's you. Except for....SHE'S NOT YOU. She's actually wasting your fucking time by taking up so much head space, because who IS you, is that girl that's sitting on your couch, settling for the fact that NO, I'm not where I want to be- physically, emotionally, spiritually, or creatively.....I'm actually depressingly far from any of that.....but yes, at the end of the day- someone held me, and loved me....and that seemed like enough. Well hello there "enough...." nice to see you, we need to have a discussion;

Here's the thing; WHEN THINGS FALL APART, YOU REEVALUATE EVERYTHING.

You reevaluate what love means, what loving means- and you reevaluate all the other pieces that were hanging by a thread....suddenly that thread you've been ignoring for months is a whole lot easier to cut. The truth is, with or without him there were things YOU needed to recognize that were withholding you from happiness that he has nothing to do with.

The most important thing we reevaluate is our commitment to OURSELVES.

If no one else in the entire Universe wants to make a soul-promise to be by your side through good and bad, rough patches and wicked monsoons (that we inevitably come up against), if no one else wants to see your face everyday, smell your hair, listen to your socked feet walk down the hallway, come up with nicknames for you, or slide their hand across the small of your back while you wash the dishes- just to remind you that they see you and need to just touch you- if NO ONE ELSE, in the entire world wants to do that, wants to commit to honoring and adoring you.....the only person left to an keep unwavering soul-commitment is you.

Commit to challenging yourself when you're feeling indifferent, commit to stretching your mind and your body- to playing your edge, until the point at which it scares you. Commit to accepting absolutely NOTHING less than your best version of BRILLIANCE. YOUR BEST. And commit to telling yourself that there will be days when your "best" really does just need to eat Doritos and hate everything, and that is okay.

Commit to sleeping well and to waking up fresh, with ideas and eagerness. Commit to feeling sexy and desirable, even if not a single person is there to witness it. Commit to feeling it ALL, from the most radiant moments of clarity to the most opaque moments of desperation. Commit to growth.....to sunshine....to forgiveness.... to making choices and trusting them- even if they aren't delicate, or tasteful, or sane. Commit that no matter what, you will show up- you are not allowed to stand yourself up, ever again.

Sometimes life shakes us up, totally fucking "snow globes" us and we can't see straight- and sometimes, it's because we need that reminder to not abandon OURSELVES. Our dreams. Our Mid-night inspiration, or "unreasonable" desires. Commit, no matter how heartbroken we are, or have been to love just as hard the next time around....and in the meantime be grateful that this is your time- YOUR TIME. Hi Chelsea, yes, I'm talking to you. And all of of you too. This is his time to evolve....without me (as much as I hate that, miss him, worry for him, want to shake him into reality and hug him and then shake him again)...and it's my time to evolve too.....


Commitment #1- Start. Writing. Book. (details later....)



WHAT COMMITMENT WILL YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF?





69 comments:

Sid said...

Ugh I've always said that I'll start to write a book. Been saying this for years now.

What commitment do I make to myself when shit falls apart? I travel. And the process I learn that I really do have strength and that I really can achieve. And I surprise myself. And I allow myself to cry and to think. And in the end it really is all good.

Cali said...

I love you.

Ethony* said...

It completely freaks me out reading your words over the last couple of months as I went through the same thing, a break up of HORRIFIC proportions and then the re-evaluation of my entire life. I also believe that being ok with ourselves is the number 1 thing.

Great post.

hellotaylor said...

Chelsea. You're one of the strongest people I know. Just the fact that you're able to write something like THIS so soon after the breakup amazes me. YOU amaze me. Thank the Universe for this chance to grow as an individual and stay strong!!

Also... a book?! Can't wait to hear more.

The Demigoddess said...

Your posts are always so inspiring and a joy to read. I commit to making myself happy doing things that will make me happy and be able to do enjoy doing them alone.

CuppyCakes said...

I think I need to commit to myself. In almost every way you mentioned. I totally forgot myself when I was in my last relationship, and then I got sick as a result of that relationship and seven months later I still haven't gotten over it. The sickness, not the relationship.
I think now I really need to commit to myself.

littlemissjuicy said...

I just started crying randomly, while reading your post. I don't know. It feels like I don't have that sort of self love or self commitment, or I don't deserve it...even from myself.

Jaxie Fantastic said...

I absolutely love reading your blog. Every single time I see your name highlighted on my Reader I know that I'm about to read something that will make a difference in my life. You ROCK girl, and don't you forget it!

Emily said...

So, like, I'm totally in the midst of, like, a My So Called Life marathon right now and I've sort of been enamored with how wise the writing really is. The last episode I watched was #13 "Pressure" you know, where Jordan Catalano is trying to get Angela to sleep with him. So the episode ends with this monologue from Angela that came to mind as I read this post...

Angela: People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is even. But every so often I'll have like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is like, enough.

xoxo

Sarah said...

Where were you a year ago when I was going through a bullshit breakup? I kinda did the same thing but I just tried to keep busy, didnt really make any commitments except to keep busy.

Keep putting out positive energy and you will feel better. Find your roots again and things will most certainly get better :)

Stacey Paradise said...

All I'm going to say is YOU. GO. GIRL!

Erin said...

I love it, it's so true. Broken hearted or not, this is great advice for anyone.

woodlandsblonde said...

I think you should write a book :) I totally agree with you - recommitting to yourself....I moved away from home and started anew - city, friends, job, plans, myself....it was so powerful to only be able to depend on myself. For everything.

You seem more empowered now more than ever and definitely since a couple posts ago. We all have to grieve - but at the end of the day - we know that we're worth loving and having someone adore us - because it's what we can give.

You will inevitably be let down by those around you - the only person you can really rely on is yourself. I'd love to read a book you wrote!!

Larissa said...

Beautiful Chelsea. This is what's it's all about. I hate that we have to be left and heartbroken in order to see it sometimes, but that's what it is: we are our soul-mates, and we must commit to ourselves as much as to others, if not way more.

After a devastating heartbreak a year ago, I fell way down the hole of sadness. Six months of crying and not working and not knowing what the hell to do with my life led me to go home to my mom and comfort for two months. And in those two months, I created my blog. And after I found my voice and discovered that I have things to say, I started thinking about what matters to me. And I decided I wanted to create a show. (I'm an actress). And I did it. Now, four months after that and a year after I thought I'd lost it all, my show, "Leading Ladies", which I created myself, telling original stories of strong women, opened last night to a full, warm house that was moved to tears by what they saw. It was amazing, and I'm super proud- whole again, and, on another note- falling in love with someone new who has recently entered my life.

I share this because I know what you're going through and I am so happy you wrote this blog post. Even if you don't believe everything you wrote here every single day, you still put it out there, it's what you want to believe in, and the universe actually wants us to be happy, successful, and in love. We just have to make space for it.

I wish you the best of luck with your book, and I'll be there when you're autographing it at Barnes & Nobles!

Doniree said...

This is one of THE most powerful things you've ever written, that I've ever read. I'm CONSTANTLY renewing my vows to myself because it's so easy to let other things come before it - work, expectations, etc., and when we're honoring that commitment to ME, things get a little clearer, huh? I LOVE YOU. And you're beautiful and are dancing on the edge of amazing, beautiful things.

Clare said...

OK. It's definitely my emotional time of the month if you pick up what I'm putting down but this post made me all teary-eyed. I have a friend that's a marriage counselor and a few years ago when I was in a bad relationship, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "What about his behavior makes you think that's love?" At the time it enraged me but looking back I know she was right. Love is unwavering. Love doesn't criticize endlessly, make you question your worth, test other waters.

In related news, you are gorgeous even if your purse is full of trash (mine is too).

Alexis said...

YEAH!

I fucking love you.

I do believe one of the biggest things that helped me move on fairly quickly during this past breakup was my adoration of myself. The fact that I was like, "Fuck, it's not MY fault he changed & stopped realizing how awesome I am." And then I realized all these other things of how I really did deserve better, better admiration, better care, better sex...& I realized that most of those things I could give myself. I'm awesome & deserve awesome right back.

I've committed to being the best me, to having my shit together (even if it doesn't really look like it). And if someone else comes along they had better be someone that is amazed by me & also has their shit together. With or without them, I have myself & I have my incredible friends & family who encourage me to keep being myself.

It's pretty cool.

Lola said...

You always write exactly what I need to hear, right when I need to hear it. I'd totally marry you too. You know, if I swung that way, which I don't, but if I did.

Nikki said...

Well said. Even though I'm in a relationship, the LIVING NOW totally resonates with me. It seems like all we do is plan, and talk about the future. Like we'll never be happy until we get there. And we'll never get there!

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Cait said...

Very well said, and perfectly timed to exactly when I need to hear it. Glad I found your blog!

Robin said...

It's interesting isn't it? You start peeling away the layers of stuff that aren't you to discover that you aren't who you thought you were? And then you start peeling at your own layers to find some mysteries there, too. Having someone walk out on you is not the only thing that will do this to a person. Any MAJOR CRISIS will cause a serious reeavaluation of a life in progress. We all need wake up calls. I am sorry that you got such a painful one. Unfortunately, I haven't got one yet that was delivered with flowers and a kiss. Whatever you decide to do or whoever you decide you want to be... those are good things/healthy choices because you looked inside your heart and made them for you and no one else.

Prippy Handbook said...

This post is something that should be printed out and kept as a reminder. I couldn't agree with every single word you've written.

I know I've suffered from "Life really starts when... children/marriage/house/etc." I have to check myself before I wreck myself when I get like that, and remember that life is best enjoyed when making other plans.

MandyMoore said...

I wish I could hug you right now. This post has me in tears....of joy. I finally kicked my boyfriend out after a year of abuse. It was hard because I WANTED to fix him. But I know now, I need to fix only myself.

Commitment #1: Fix the hole he punched in my wall while drinking a glass of wine to symbolize beginning to patch up my life. Again.

Thank you.

splnss said...

I fucking love you too. This is so powerful I nearly fell out of my chair. And will Twitter/FB the hell out of it (later when home and I can read and reread and digest it and think about what, of the many things on my plate, I want to commit to first.

Thank you, Chelsea. You saved me today and you didn't even know it.

DShan said...

BOOM.

The one thing I think we're not prepared for as we enter our adult life is that the world doesn't let you stand there and just experience it. I mean, you can, but you'll end up watching it pass you by.

You gotta go get what you want, and you gotta be who you want to be, because it's the first step to turning around one day and realizing you're closer to being that fictional future version of you than you even thought possible.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

totally write a book- Id read the shit out of it.

Akirah said...

I needed to read this today. I need ME to be okay and enough for myself right now.

Windsor Grace said...

You're so right where I am right now, except for the book writing. I have also just experienced a soul shattering break up and it is weird to have to look at what I thought was my perfect life and pick up all the little pieces.

Ali said...

Sometimes, like right now? I don't think you're really human. You're...above everything, you see and feel things that nobody else I know (and probably ever will know) does. I don't really know what else to say, except for the fact that you're a goddess.

End scene.

Kim said...

Great post, Chelsea. I don't think enough people commit to themselves. I'd like to add that one thing I have learned in my short 36 years of life, is that even when you get "there," you find yourself looking for the next "there." Even when you are at the point where you are comfortable financially, with French-speaking children in tow, you will still be looking to the future and trying to figure out how to meet the next goals you have in life. So I love your post and I applaud your ideals, because no matter who else you meet on the road in life, YOU will always be on your road. So GO YOU!!!!

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itschaotic said...

Um.... holy crap this just inspired the hell out of me.

this is by far the best fucking fantastic post I've ever read. Really just hit home with me.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Larissa- Oh darling, congrats on the show- that'a absolutely fantastic, cheers to you! :)

mandymoore- hey darling.....hey, you are beautiful and strong- you can get through this, patch up that hole in the wall and continue shining good light and love into this universe, i'm proud of you.

splnss- I'M SO, SO, SO, HAPPY YOU COULD CONNECT WITH IT. Hugs and love- thank YOU.

windsor grace- since I'm in the midst of it, I can only imagine what you're feeling- so much love your way.

itschaotic- wow, thank you- SO MUCH.

Phoenix said...

HELLS YEAH. I was waiting for when this awesome, kick-ass part of you was gonna show up. Glad it came so soon - proof that you are a first rate fucking survivor, girl.

I'm moving in with my new guy next month, but I'm already committed towards making sure I have some space and time for myself.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

sid- indeed, it is- it is always "good." :) and start writing....

cali- WHEN ARE WE GOING SALSA DANCING?!

ethony-yes, being "ok" with ourselves is great, being "FABULOUSLY HAPPY" withou ourselves is better.

hellotaylor- oh sweetie, thank you- like i said in the last post, there are GOOD and bad days....always.

the demigoddess-thank you so much :)

cuppycakes- we all need a reminder sometimes, I know I do.

littlemissjuicy- oh love, you DO. you do have that....but you have to know that you are worth loving and committing to- what will help you KNOW that?

jaxie- thank you so much, that means a lot!

Emily- My so called life is the best ever. the end.

sarah- oh gosh, I know- It's good to know you can connect with it though, either way- whether you're the midst of a breakup or not, commitment is something we need to remind ourselves of.

stacey- going goin!! :)

erin- thank you and yes, I think it's a good mantra, reminder in general.

woodland blonde- yes! I feel like now more than ever I have so much urgency to commit to myself and my words and my feelings and allow them to grown, grieve, THRIVE, etc.

doni- obviously you already know this, I love you. Thank you for supporting my SHINE.

clare-that's a good point- in my particular relationship there wasn't a lack of love per se, on his end- only on mine, towards myself...up until the end I thinkit was easier to forget to love myself, because HE loved me so much.

alexis- oh I'm so, so happy to hear you're doing better and doing well- you are fabulous and stunning and WORTH IT. xo.

lola- hahaha, well thank you, I mean, I really do think i'd be a fantastic marriage partner. lol.

nikki- I think this was definitely something (and maybe the reason) I need to be reminded of, whether i was in a relationship or not.

cait- I'm so glad you found it too, thank you for coming by!

Robin- oh yes indeed, SO. SO. MANY LAYERS.

prippy- wait, can we address how you just said, "check yourself before you wreck yourself" LOVE.

dshan- YES, INDEED AND I feel like that "fictional me" is actually closer to the truth than anything....or close to that anyone.

dezzy lou- OH THANK YOU!

akirah- and you are, YOU ARE TOTALLY PERFECT, AS YOU.

Ali- you're the sweetest ever, thank you so much- you give me too much credit ;) thank you dear.

Kim-Thank you so much and yes, I think that's totally true-sometimes we just need to check in.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...
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Chelsea Talks Smack said...
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im_anewsoul said...

I love this post because I can relate to it so well. I haven't committed myself and I think that the first thing i want to do is reconnect with myself and get to know "me" better. Commitment #1- Travel abroad

:-) thank you Chelsea!

San said...

Man, sometimes it's so hard to commit to yourself when other people are pulling you in all kinds of directions. And it's so hard to say, no, and put yourself before everything else to stay true to yourself.

Thank you for writing this and so eloquently pointing out that committing to oneself is the best thing you can do after all.

Tanya said...

I've been reading/ lurking for a very long time now, totally inspired with every single post! You're brilliant Chelsea Talks Smack. With all of your hope and knowledge through life experiences you're absolutley BOUND to have the fantastic life of your dreams. I can't wait to read all about it! I have had a few "snow-globe" times myself. One starting with the divorce of my 7 yr marriage. Sadly, it usually does take a shattering event like this to allow us to re-focus. Living and learning constantly, right? We're better people in the end. I hope? I'm even more inspired to live it up after reading your words. Thank you thank you.

FashionistA said...

There is an award waiting for you over at my Blog. Cheers!

Hannah said...

hi, i know so many people have said this but thank you. last night my boyfriend of more than two years broke my heart and until just now the plan was to stay in bed until the world ceased to exist. so, thank you

L said...

Thank you Chelsea, this is exactly what I needed to hear today.

Jeri said...

love this. and love you. that is all. :)

Sophia said...

I am in love with this post like SO much because what you say is so true. When everyone fails us, we are the only ones left to support ourselves.
We are bound to ourselves. I need to commit to loving myself and try to achieve a higher self esteem and self worth. I hope you're well.

xo, Sophia

Andrea said...

Chelsea, I love you. You manage to suss out everything that is deep in my subconscious. During my most recent break-up, I found myself thinking, "This isn't a break-up; it's an opportunity." And while that's hard to believe in the moment, it's still very true. It IS an opportunity. Every day is a good opportunity.

J-Diggety said...

Mmm, yes!! Love the growth I'm seeing... and the appearance of the warrior goddess within you! :)
xoxo J

m i s s . k r i s t a said...

I absolutely love your blog. Your writing is so beautiful, and so in-depth. I can almost feel everything you're feeling just from reading.
Your writing is powerful. You really inspire me:)

I left you a blog award on my blog! :)
'Versatile Blogger' award!

I can't wait to read more!

Babe In Sugarland said...

Simply beautiful!

Oh and I commit to not checking the ex's(who I still feel is the love of my life)facebook profile(I did it today and my heart broke all over again). We are both with other people and I have to commit to just moving on and loving him without having to physically possess him.

Ms. Babe

Laurie said...

Been lurking for a while. Your personality just sparkles and jumps off my monitor (in a good way)!

Your understanding this is his time to evolve too hit home for me. Staying angry at my ex and thinking he's such a moron gave me vicious satisfaction, but those were toxic activities. It was a painful process, but I gave in to compassion and accepted we're all just in this great and rocky adventure of growing. Oh, there's still some hurt (it sounds a little cheesy, but I describe it as a gentle grief), but for some reason, I feel even more committed to myself, to becoming the best version of myself i could be.

Thank you for this post, Chelsea!

Kez said...

I will commit to finding my passion in life and feeling that inspiration I've been lacking this year. So much crap has happened lately and I've realised that life is short and I deserve to live for the now. I won't let anyone or anything stop me from dreaming and being excited about my future.

socarolinesays said...

chelsea,

i've been reading your blog for awhile but this is the first time i am commenting. this was so moving and brought me to tears. you will be ok; we all will be ok.

c

Kerresa said...

Thank you.

Sizzle said...

This is so right on. I think one of the best things to come from heartbreak is that recommitment to yourself and a deep, hard look at your life. It's a twisted gift.

I think for me, being older and having traversed a lot of my internal terrain, being a relationship now is both easier and harder. My partner and I are well aware of Who We Are which can be both a blessing and a curse. We talk about this a lot. But I am grateful to have found him when I'm more settled into who I am, later in life. And I never thought I would be saying that since I spent most of my 20s and 30s thinking I was lacking something fundamental (a life partner) when really I was deepening my relationship to myself which, in the long run, makes being in a committed relationship less of a I-might-lose-myself situation. If that makes any sense?

Poppies and Sunshine said...

Such great words. Very inspiring. I definitely needed to read this!

Anna said...

"Sometimes life shakes us up, totally fucking "snow globes" us"

This is my favorite line ever.
I commit to being true to myself.

Plaid Guru said...

I just wanted to shout out to all my favorite bloggers. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to everyday! :) Keep on keepin on xo you are amazing

Annabelle said...

I am committed to reading this blog. You rock. That's all.

Nora said...

Beautiful blog.
Beautiful you.
I think the best part albeit thanks to a crappy thing, is learning about ourselves post break-up, being really honest with ourselves about what we need/want.

Kudos to you for getting started on the book!

weebarrett said...

wow, that was incredible. i really could have used that a few years ago during a totally nasty break-up. you know, a kick in the pants, a huge glass of freezing cold water on my face. i got by waffling around (and somehow found someone in the 'well-screw-love-and-happiness' stage) and have gotten stronger over the years.

but you're right. i'm still a waffler, and i need to make a commitment to myself to just be stronger, to make commitments and stick to them, and stop being a waffle.

ps: and thanks for stopping by my blog last week :)

nicopolitan said...

[de-lurk] I keep promising myself this every year, and I'm fighting so hard to complete it this year: get back on stage, sing at the top of my lungs. Music. That's all I ever really wanted out of this life. And I'm slipping further and further away each year.

One day I will accomplish this. This post is reminding me: Maybe that day should be soon.

Thanks for writing this. And hopefully soon, I'll be thanking you for writing that book.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Bawling by the end of this.

Thank you.

Kris said...

I desperately love this post, and desperately love all the comments. We all relate. I'm THERE right now. It's bad, it sucks, it's hard. But you're right... if all I have is me, then I'd better BE the me I wanna be with. I wish I read this years ago, before I ever lost myself in someone else.

EP said...

Isn't it funny how, more often than not, when something ground-shaking and earth changing happens in our lives, we HAVE to step back and reevaluate to know our next step? I've been where you are before a few times, and it is never easy. But the exciting thing is that you realize that you can do anything since you freaking survived what you did.

I like your commitment. And mine is similar. I want to start working on a photo story to turn into a book.

littlemissjuicy said...

I commit to get to the bottom of whatever that is bothering me.

maggeygrace said...

This might be my favorite thing I've ever read. I love it. I am in love with it. I love how you write. I love what you write. You are gifted and I hope you take your word and commit yourself to buying a book, because I would totally marry it:)

Ireland said...

Awesome...And I hear you on the Doritos. They've got me thru many a bad time!!

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