Long before someone actually runs out on us, we usually run out on ourselves.
Here we are entranced with this human being who is potentially going to forgo any other mate/partnership for, ideally the rest of your life to surrender that to you and who is seemingly as mystified by your commitment to them as you are, so you're hooked, you're totally hook-in-lip-fucking-caught, so naturally- you start planning and committing to hypothetical baby names, foreign language schools "a must," (because who doesn't want babies that speak French?) color schemes and summer plans. You plan for the future, as a way to sort of "seal the deal"-as false comfort, to feel like....well, no matter what- I know I at least have little French-speaking babies running around, seven years from now.
We plan for the future when we're with someone we think we'll co-create it with. The problem is sometimes we run so far ahead of ourselves that we actually run away from planning, the RIGHT. NOW. Shit, we run away from LIVING the right now.....
and the one that always gets stuck is YOU.
The "future you" looks really good. She really does- she's just as charming as you are now, but more so because she has that extra sparkle on the inside, she has better skin, she doesn't use her purse as a traveling trash can, she never forgets her camera case, she gets facials regularly, she has her priorities in check- she's TOTALLY. FUCKING. ACCOMPLISHED. She finally has a bank account filled to the brim, she finally has that validation she's been seeking- she's living on the grand scale. She's you. Except for....SHE'S NOT YOU. She's actually wasting your fucking time by taking up so much head space, because who IS you, is that girl that's sitting on your couch, settling for the fact that NO, I'm not where I want to be- physically, emotionally, spiritually, or creatively.....I'm actually depressingly far from any of that.....but yes, at the end of the day- someone held me, and loved me....and that seemed like enough. Well hello there "enough...." nice to see you, we need to have a discussion;
Here's the thing; WHEN THINGS FALL APART, YOU REEVALUATE EVERYTHING.
You reevaluate what love means, what loving means- and you reevaluate all the other pieces that were hanging by a thread....suddenly that thread you've been ignoring for months is a whole lot easier to cut. The truth is, with or without him there were things YOU needed to recognize that were withholding you from happiness that he has nothing to do with.
The most important thing we reevaluate is our commitment to OURSELVES.
If no one else in the entire Universe wants to make a soul-promise to be by your side through good and bad, rough patches and wicked monsoons (that we inevitably come up against), if no one else wants to see your face everyday, smell your hair, listen to your socked feet walk down the hallway, come up with nicknames for you, or slide their hand across the small of your back while you wash the dishes- just to remind you that they see you and need to just touch you- if NO ONE ELSE, in the entire world wants to do that, wants to commit to honoring and adoring you.....the only person left to an keep unwavering soul-commitment is you.
Commit to challenging yourself when you're feeling indifferent, commit to stretching your mind and your body- to playing your edge, until the point at which it scares you. Commit to accepting absolutely NOTHING less than your best version of BRILLIANCE. YOUR BEST. And commit to telling yourself that there will be days when your "best" really does just need to eat Doritos and hate everything, and that is okay.
Commit to sleeping well and to waking up fresh, with ideas and eagerness. Commit to feeling sexy and desirable, even if not a single person is there to witness it. Commit to feeling it ALL, from the most radiant moments of clarity to the most opaque moments of desperation. Commit to growth.....to sunshine....to forgiveness.... to making choices and trusting them- even if they aren't delicate, or tasteful, or sane. Commit that no matter what, you will show up- you are not allowed to stand yourself up, ever again.
Sometimes life shakes us up, totally fucking "snow globes" us and we can't see straight- and sometimes, it's because we need that reminder to not abandon OURSELVES. Our dreams. Our Mid-night inspiration, or "unreasonable" desires. Commit, no matter how heartbroken we are, or have been to love just as hard the next time around....and in the meantime be grateful that this is your time- YOUR TIME. Hi Chelsea, yes, I'm talking to you. And all of of you too. This is his time to evolve....without me (as much as I hate that, miss him, worry for him, want to shake him into reality and hug him and then shake him again)...and it's my time to evolve too.....
Commitment #1- Start. Writing. Book. (details later....)
WHAT COMMITMENT WILL YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF?