Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My "GOOD DAY" could still use some work- and less alcohol and more sex. OR WAIT. Damnit, I really miss sex. But no, this blog isn't about that.


They say you'll have "good days and bad days..." while you're trying to heal from heartbreak....

...the last week I was soaring, I was feeling lifted up in love by my friends, I was surprised by 13+ AMAZING blogger friends with a voucher to fly anywhere I want- I WAS SHOCKED, grateful, surprised and TOTALLY SPEECHLESS...I was floored once again by the depth of love and compassion I have surrounding me. The devoted support and open arms. I treated myself with gooey chocolaty things, expensive glasses of wine, naps, interesting conversation with amazing people, sweating in yoga so much that my entire body was practically sobbing (knee caps included), and various other distractions that make me smile....I was pampering my wound, for a speedy recovery. Nursing the shit out of it....with some incredible assistance.

I was noticing a slight glossy film of skin glistening over the pink, swollen wound. The "VOID." The days when I woke up feeling ALIVE and healthy again were starting to happen more frequently....and then of course, there's those pesky "bad" days.

...then, there's days when something really small happens, like you see someone with his same hair, or you need someone to help zip up your dress, or they start playing the song "Better Together," in your yoga class- your fucking "SAFE PLACE," the song you would've just so happened to be singing this coming weekend at your Love's sister's wedding, and all of a sudden your relatively "good day" spirals into an epically TERRIBLE DAY and you imagine yourself pulling a Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire where you kind of just want to....fliiip out.

Then he ends up calling.... and you find yourself looking at your phone, at a name and a face that you've seen call you a hundred+ times and it feels like you're about to talk to a total stranger, and it feels like someones calling to tell you the best and worst news of your life...and you hear this voice that you've heard comfort you, engage in you, whisper intimately to you- a voice that's quivered and screamed, a voice that's cadence and inflection you understand like it's a secret language, a dead language no one else will ever be able to revive....then, they say the simplest, "Hi" and you don't feel like you know them at all. You can hear them through the walls they've built up.... but you know that this time, they can't really hear you.

Then you end up saying too much- you end up saying that you miss them, you end up telling them you can't sleep....you end up empathizing with THEM and their situation... you accept their apology, you Mother and voice concern and leave every. single. open door open for them to ask if they can come back in-you leave the door wide open, with warm dinner and fresh laundry..... and they still choose to stay outside, in the pouring rain-excuse me, pouring HAIL STORM, with an empty stomach and dirt under their fingernails, and a yo-yo sluggishly bouncing up and down, with you on the end of the string.

You want to hear their voice and you want to shake them, you want to hear their voice play out a monologue of regret, anguish-willingness to move mountains, imploring you to forgive them- you've heard them say it in your head a million times, it almost seems possible...but, instead he says, "I realize you were a limb to me and I was a heart to you..." and then you remember that you can still tie a shoe with one arm, you can still type with one hand, you can love with EVERYTHING-limbs or not, and you can live completely....but you can't do anything with a missing heart. Then, you're angry with them and you wish you would've asked for some sort of collateral at the beginning of all of this, in return for such a valuable object.

You let him say he's thinking about you...and that he does love you, in whatever "version" that means to him. Then, you let him cut off the conversation first....and you hold the phone, wrecked and angry with yourself.

....but you're soft for him. You're fleshy and accessible. You're totally ripe and delicate, forgiving and eager to trust, nakedly laying in the palm of the very thing that crushed you. There aren't games or, "Ignore" buttons because you can't quite figure out how to seal up a faucet that was pouring out love you weren't ready to stop giving. There aren't the "make him miss me" actions, because I'm still too busy doing the missing for us both. There aren't "FUCK Yous" flying around, because being angry with him doesn't help ME evolve.... and because when it comes down to the core of it, the anger, the neglected phone call is really just my ego trying to "win..." and as much as our egos like to think so, matters of the heart don't come along with a set of games, rule books and instruction manuals. They just FEEL....

So, yes- there are good days. Days when I'm beaming and totally hopeful and excited about what's happening, what could happen...what I'm discovering, who I'm becoming....

Then there are days like this one. There are days when I have hold my own hand through it all, talk myself down the way I used to let him, find pleasure in my own company knowing there has to be someone out there that wants to sit across from me at a dinner table and make me his whole world, even for just those moments over piping hot rigatoni and wine stained teeth. There are days when I can't see anything without seeing him in it. Then, there are nights when I wake up, twisted up in a sheet, sweat dripping down my neck and in my confusion, I briefly think he's gotten up to grab me a glass of water, or he's still up watching television.....and it's nights like this where I have to teach myself how to sleep alone again, when I grab my own water- untangle myself, open a window, close my eyes and gently rock myself back to sleep....hoping that the next day will be one of the "good ones."



Is there a "GAME" when it comes to "LOVE????"


Also....thanks to some of you lovelies I have a vacation to take....Hm, where to go?!





84 comments:

Madelyn said...

Girlfriend, you are awesome. I know you've heard it a million times through all of this, but I truly look up to you and all of your strength. <3

Meg said...

Oh sweets, I want to say I'm going through the same, but who can know, right?
I'm sorrry.

a.p. said...

your writing is so beautiful! this absolutely tugged at my heartstrings. i'm sad you're having a hard time though. things will get better at some point. keep your chin up.

this free bird said...

I hope you kick him in the nuts. the end.

BaronessVonVintage said...

this post captures the agony of this form of loss so eloquently and viscerally. WOW. Stay strong, but don't let 'em jade you forever. Just when you're not looking...who knows what the next day will bring?

L.L. said...

You are damn right about living without a limb. You can do it. You are doing it. You're tough!

Michelle said...

You break my heart with your words because they are just so true, my head is nodding in the "I know, I know" manner.

Love is a game. You win, you lose, you develop a team, sometimes one of you gets traded to another team. Sometimes the rules blur and cheating occurs. Friends start acting like referees and helping make calls while one protests. Some people are great at playing the game and do it frequently, never minding when the prize is a heart that they dump for the next prize. Others commit to their team and want to be there for their entire "career". But it is a game none of us can stop playing.

JUST ME said...

Still being open and vulnerable to the one who kicked you in the heart...that is HARD. And it feels like crap.

But at least you're not ignoring your emotions.

Doniree said...

"a voice that's cadence and inflection you understand like it's a secret language"

damn, that's beautiful. for what it's worth, and what I'm seeing... is that you're having more good days than bad days - and i know the bad days outweigh the good in intensity, but the inspiration i see for you is that they're far less frequent.

always here, love.

kayemkay said...

I don't know if you've ever read the book, "how to heal the hurt by hating"- anita liberty.
but you MUST. MUST.
I'll even send you my copy.
It's made it through many a break up with me.

Ella said...

Beautiful.

I'm so impressed by how you are coping with this.

I was never that strong.

Stacey Paradise said...

As awful as it is what you're going through, DAMN if it's not bringing out the best in your writing. Silver lining, I guess? I wish like hell I'd had this to read a few years ago when I had my heart not crushed, no - mutilated. Sending out "good day" vibes straight to you, girlfriend.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I agree with Stacy- your writing is amazing! Stay strong as you CAN get through this.

Where you do want to go? Would it help to visit a friend/family? Go to the beach? Hike a large mountain? Go somewhere to learn something new (ex: surfing)? Go to Vegas where you can pretty much do whatever you want?

Lola said...

This post made me cry. You're writing is so real and raw and amazing. I'm trying to heal a heartbreak myself (miserably) but you are doing it with so much more grace. When you wrote that it was just your ego trying to win I had to admit "yes! that's exactly what I'm doing."

It's the smell that gets me every time. Just when I think I'm over him I catch his smell somewhere and I know I'm not even close. His smell in my hair, that's what I miss the most.

Avril said...

You can do this, I think you've come pretty far already from where you were weeks ago. You're a STRONG woman!! You should go to South Florida, it's an amazing city. Have you been before?

The Boob Nazi said...

That is amazing that people got that for you. I hope it helps you to get out of your house. That was always a problem for me.

Ari said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this - but you are doing a wonderful job at dealing with it. I don't know if I've ever commented before, but I've been reading for a while. I completely understand what you're feeling - I went through a divorce last year and experienced many of the same feelings.

Nina Amelia said...

Your last paragraph about the nights is brilliant. I admire you so much for writing through your pain and untangling yourself while sharing your journey with us.

Meredith Travels said...

I'm so very glad you are having the good days. Even if it is making your knee caps hurt :)

But reading about the bad days made my heart hurt for you. I've been thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way!

Sizzle said...

You've just described the post-break up agony in such raw, open detail I feel myself taken back to the last time my heart was truly broken. Being able to make sense of your feelings and to share them with us? That's part of why you're brilliant and wonderful.

The whole part about "fuck yous" and ego? So true. All of it's true.

Go somewhere where you can find your happy. xo

Scarlett said...

Remember - time wounds all heels. Hang in there. Be strong. My advice would be change his name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER". Distance helps.

TeeZee said...

That was beautifully written and my heart breaks for you. I don't really know you but I'm sitting here at work, crying because I know exactly how it feels to have your heart shattered. Time is everything, so here's to having more and more good days. Hang in there!

Rasha said...

Girl, I love your writing and your strength... Love is a lot like a game. Keep pushing!

Shannon said...

I think each "love game" is different for every couple.

But I think you're doing awesome and I hope you only continue to get better.

-sc

Liz said...

You are so fucking brave Chelsea. I am here cheering you on. <3

Juggling Thoughts @ One Fine Wire said...

Thanks so much for stopping by One Fine Wire! I hope you come back soon :)

I am a music teacher, what school of music do you attend?

woodlandsblonde said...

There is no game when it comes to love if you truly love. I feel like I'm in the same boat as you and it totally blows. You have to get to know yourself again, and be able to be alone. A limb to him and a heart to you? WTF? The guy I dated said some pretty nasty things about me to other people - he's an ass. Anger got me over him...but mostly - the realization that you are the only person that you can rely on and the only person that can make you happy/sad, etc.

I keep distracted with friends, family, happy hours, vacations, nights out, exercise - got to retrain that brain of yours to focus on the positive. But it's okay, when going through a loss, that you let it out sometimes. Got to get through it in your own way - there's no right and wrong. Just know that you're not the only one and there are a lot of people going through the same thing.

It's brave to put it all out there, but in turn you will get plenty of support :)

Thinking about you!

Rolerkite said...

you will find that wine sipping rigatoni eating man and you will be his heart too. You deserve the heart, at the very least.

Stevie said...

You nailed it. I don't think I could've ever described my heartbreak in such a beautiful way, and also in a way that makes ME feel your pain. You have a beautiful heart and you deserve someone who fully recognizes that. Luckily, you have a whole internet full of peeps who know how beautiful your heart is! Now go take that vacation!

Shannon said...

I honestly don't understand how certain people have on/off switches when it comes to love. How people can just write it off with no true reason, that makes sense anyways. I'm so sorry the bad days are still hanging over you sometimes. Wishing more frequent good days, and hope you have a blast on your vacay!

San said...

It takes time to heal... and it's a painful road, for sure.

Thanks for sharing your raw and honest emotions. It's inspiring to see you walk yourself through this.

Paislea Elyse said...

bahah! i love this. your writing is amazing. thank you for visiting my blog!

i'm a new follower! hope you'll follow too!

♥ http://www.allisterbee.blogspot.com

rebecca said...

Big hug!!! Don't worry sweety, you'll have another up soon! :D

http://itscohen.blogspot.com/

Michelle said...

Oh, girl. I completely get this. With my ex who I dated for four years, I never once got angry. I felt like my life had fallen apart, I felt helpless, I felt heartbroken. But to this day (as we are currently best friends), I never once got angry. And it was completely "his" breakup- I wanted no part of it. I'm mystified, but in a lot of ways it made it easier, since I didn't say things I later regretted.

MDubs said...

So stoked for you about the plane ticket. Those folks are wondermous!! Make sure you tell us where you plan to go - and blog all about it while you're there. *hugs*

Kim said...

I know this might sound trite, but you deserve better than him. You are not his limb, and he is not your heart. You are YOU and he is HE. I agree with free bird--he needs a good square up to the jewels. His phone call sounds like HE wanted an ego boost--to know that you missed him and still love him. That is not cool. I don't think it is "not evolved" to say F you and move on. I hope you heal soon and you can move forward doing whatever it is that YOU really want to do.

Katie said...

I've been through all of this, and it was awful. Honestly, I never completely got over it. I tried to find a host of new hobbies to fill the void. I tried dating new people. I tried not speaking to him at all. Nothing ever completely made it stop hurting.
I think you just have to accept that it's going to hurt and it's going to suck and that you'll still be having bad days a long time from now. I know it's sort of doom and gloom, but expecting that things were going to hurt made it easier to deal with them as they came. When you expect them to disappoint and to hurt you, it hurts less. Which isn't saying a lot, but...

There is no game to breaking up, at least as far as I know, and if there were, the only way to "win" would be to be the one who stopped caring.

Larissa said...

"There aren't games or, "Ignore" buttons because you can't quite figure out how to seal up a faucet that was pouring out love you weren't ready to stop giving."

Beautifully said.

I think it's valuable to remember that we love, even those who don't deserve it, so that WE may grow, so that OUR souls may learn. Our hearts gamble because that is how they remind us they are beating.

I'm excited you'll get a vacation. I'm from Brazil, so I would say go there! But it may be a bit too far? In which case, go to Vancouver or Cancun!

myuncensoredlife said...

Come to VEGAS :-) We can go out and forget about heartbreaking jerks!

Tia said...

I would hold your hand and sit across from you at the table...
Hope there are many more "good days" in your future ♥

melifaif said...

There should be NO games when it comes to love...keep holding your hand and know we are behind you and praying for you and loving you...

Robin said...

I cannot believe that he called you to say, "I realize that you were a limb to me while I was a heart to you." If he truly understood that he wouldn't have called. If he truly understood that, he would know that every phone call shreds what little bit of you that is keeping you going. That is like saying that I know each time I call I know it is cruel, but I am doing it anyway because it makes me feel better. Making him feel better isn't your job anymore. He has made it clear what your relationship is and isn't (was and wasn't). Don't take his calls because they are about making him feel better. And they tear you up. He is selfish for dialing.

P said...

Oh I've been there, luv, and it must hurt so much. It's so weird how quickly one can fluctuate between good days and bad days after a break-up. I hope the good days outnumber the bad days. :) x

freckleonthenose said...

You described this in such an amazing way.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but you sure do have a talent with words and that's not something he, or anyone, can take away.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
littlemissjuicy said...

i hate men. the end.

Heather {A Measure Of...} said...

I agree with Carrie that you should kick him in the nuts... Well only part of me. We all know anger isn't the answer, and you are already doing the best things you can for yourself. Pampering yourself, loving yourself. Accepting the emotions as they come and writing about them. Write write write! You are such a talented writer. Right now this is your fodder, ride it :) And know, like it seems like you know, everything will be alright; everything *is* alright (even when it kinda sucks).

spleeness said...

Come see me in Washington DC! Hope on a bus, it's like $37 from NYC and I'll take you all over the city. This was such a beautiful post. You're an incredible writer, you have a gift of expression, for really leading people into a story as if it's happening in real time to them also. I want my heart back too... :(

Poppies and Sunshine said...

I have been reading your last few posts with wide-eyed shock really, It's been like reading my own journal a few years back. I know each and every one of these terrible feelings. I remember only being able to wake up....yet falling asleep would not even happen sometimes. Family and friends are truly a support right now. Keep leaning on them. Staying strong. Things will work out.

Andrea said...

Ugh... I mean... Why did he call?! I just don't understand this game - and it IS a game. One that I'm not very good at. I hope you're doing better today!

Phoenix said...

I am so freakin' proud of you. You might not feel all the time like you are doing awesome but you totally are. Holding your own hand, taking care of your own needs... it starts to feel really powerful after consistent practice at it.

I don't really play any games when it comes to love...which is why I don't really "date" casually because I like to skip the bullshit and go straight to having a partner on my side. But that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not an immature 12 year old who can be passive aggressive and get sorely tempted to chuck my car keys at someone's head.

Btw - anger really isn't worth it. You might read some of the comments below of people who are angry on your behalf and shake your head and think, "They just don't get it." But they are just feeling over-protective of you, like we all are, and that's their way that they are expressing it.

Hugs, sweetie.

Krystal said...

aw,this made my heart hurt, i've been there. keep your head up

Gracie said...

Um wow! Great post! You definitely have a wonderful way with words.

Good on you for being strong!

Babe In Sugarland said...

I don't know so much if there is a game with love. I played "evolving" games with my head and heart when the man I loved and thought was the one chose someone else. I had to talk myself out of calling, texting and facebooking him. Within time it became easier. I hope it becomes easier for you too.

Ms. Babe

Anonymous said...

I wanna print this out to hand out to all my friends and just say, "Ditto all this." Because I know what all that is like. Completely.

Oh and come to Seattle. I know you've been here before but Seattle in the summer is different from Seattle in the fall. I wouldn't be healing if it weren't so breathtakingly amazing out here. Anddd look up Bumbershoot. And Capitol Hill Block Party. If they coincide with your available vacation days, I think you'll love it :) You can go kayaking, paint dancing (look it up too!) and you don't need to go for to go island hopping, hike up a mountain, go strawberry picking, etc. These are what I've been doing and they are helping immensely.

-Felisa

LiLu said...

NASHVEGAS NASHVEGAS NASHVEGAS!!!!!!

vdcouture said...

awesome!!

love,vdcouture

Josie said...

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I absolutely know what you're going through -- everything is going your way until HE comes back into the picture, and suddenly everything is so confusing again. Drag. Just remember that you are pretty much awesome, AKA way cooler than him.
xo Josie
http://winksmilestyle.blogspot.com

Marie said...

You are a fucking superstar. Don't EVER forget that. Your writing is so deep and takes me to places I've been in my short life.Take the good days and have wine on the bad. <3

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Ugh. Reading this totally tugged at my heartstrings. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time!

hannahjustbreathe said...

We are each limbs to one another. No one is your heart---but YOU.

Stay strong, you beautiful woman.

samantha said...

Aw, I'm sorry you're going through this.

J-Diggety said...

And the journey continues... Girl, you're doing it. You're healing. It's happening. My heart and prayers and hugs go out to you, from li'l ol' FoCo ;)

xoxo J

teacherwoman said...

Sorry to hear you are going through this... it's going to make you a stonger person, that's for sure. *HUGS*

Soné said...

Your blog is pretty cool~ just stopped by to say hi! :) your writing is great. :)


polli
x0

Kern said...

You need to write a novel. PLEASE.

You rock.

M.A said...

Yesterday I saw the best t-shirt ever!
"My knight in shining armour... turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil".

Daisy said...

your writing has me captivated! i'm so sorry for the stuggle and for the bad days. heres hoping to more of the good. oxox

Anonymous said...

I've just discovered your blog and I feel as though I've accidentally walked in on someone I don't know crying. But yet, I do know you. I know you because I've been you. I was the girl on the end of THOSE phone calls (which you described so, so well) many years ago.

In time you will look back and think how lucky you were that you read that email. As you sit across the rigatoni from the true love of your life- as his heart. Trust me.

In the meantime... well, it's game playing I guess but the only regret I have in this life is that I always answered the calls.

Plaid Guru said...

great post. </3 my heart is breaking!

Valerie said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. A vacation can cure anything though! I'd love to go to the Maldives. Ahhhh... Hope you feel better soon.

xo
Valerie

Julie said...

You've got it my friend. Luckily those days start to come fewer and further apart. You can do this.

You probably should have some bananas foster ice cream, because you are in the midst of needing amazingly yummy things and it will help you.

Randi Lee said...

No games. BUT, I do believe that there are things you can do/ways you can act to help bring on the heal faster... not answering every call, being the one that "has to go" when you do decide to pick up, etc. I've always found that doing that, brings a different reaction from the person that's in the drivers seat- and that reaction doesn't pull you back in... it free's you.


Or maybe it's just being to that point yourself. The point past hurt, past saddness, past missing... being able to feel all those things, but you're ready to be over it, to move on and evict him from your life. And that's the point where you don't pick up all calls, you don't have time for the long convo's, he's not your first priority...you are. And at that point, the tables turn, and when they do, when that other person realizes you've moved on, they start feeling the loss then, because up until that point, they hadn't lost you yet... but, usually, once they realize they lost you... they truly have lost you.

I don't think they're games, but the way things unfold and the way emotions work can make them seem like games...

Hang in there chicky!

Michelle Reyna said...

Forever a game in the nasty lovely game of love. -and I would have to agree with your "GOOD DAY" requirements. I could NOT have said it better maself.

Sil said...

be strong and try to be happy, the day will come when u will smile again...

Karina said...

If there is a 'game' to love I really am not playing very well! But fortunately I stumble upon cool things to take my mind off of whatever is it that is dragging me down.. my recent find is Black Star's MAYBE THE BEST TRIP EVER. It is an AMAZING sweepstakes that if you win you get to enjoy 10 days of adventures, and when you get to bring five friends, I'm think that it is a great way to keep my mind of other more unpleasant thing.

Here is the link to enter:http://www.facebook.com/blackstarbeer?v=app_7146470109

Its GREAT! Enjoy!

Mindy said...

Is it bad this made me angry? Who says that? Who knows how much he's already hurt someone he claims to love, then opens the wound more?

Ugh. Men...

It's amazing to me, though, that you can take something completely heart-wrenching and make it beautifully poetic.

Caroline said...

YOU. ARE. AMAZING.

dinoibo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

You.
Are.
Living.
My.
Life.

Every word of this. Exactly.

Sending more good days your way, as many as I have to spare.

Anonymous said...

I would like to exchange links with your site www.blogger.com
Is this possible?

jules said...

How dare they play "Better Together" in yoga! Yoga is supposed to be a safe place! Hope things are looking up!

jess; [the bottle chronicles] said...

Beautiful posts Chelsea, I've never read anybody who knows themself so well through a breakup. You aren't lost in it, and even on your bad days you can still look at this situation and learn from it.

Remarkable. Amazing. You're strong, and I'm so giving this blog link to every woman I know right now going through a tough break up.

xoxo

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