There's always something a little different in the air when you're at the threshold of "new."
I don't know if you're breathing a little quicker, or perhaps more freely -or that "something" adds just the right dash of crispness that makes you feel a tad bit more ALIVE.
If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be single, working at a new kick ass job- in lieu of working the multiple freelance gigs I'd worked so hard to acquire over four years, to take on a full time position at a startup in Boulder, living with a girl who I hadn't met yet- who would end up being an inspiration and a great friend, surrounded by new people, new day-to-day, with a new CRUSH....I would've told them they looked in the wrrrroooong crystal ball, sister.
I would have defiantly looked the fortune teller in the face and said, "What what about _____ (fill in the blank)___ because that isn't going anywhere." Then that "thing" that I would've vehemently defended- within a moment would be gone; the "him," the "it," the "complete," the "acquired goal." Suddenly you're the new kid again in a life you'd been working so hard to try and fit into. And you're like, wait,"Fuck...." followed by, "I wish Life included complimentary name tags and arranged movers for you the way France arranges baby nurses for new moms (FINE- I don't know if this is an actual fact, but I saw it in Sicko and I'm going with it.) And also, yay! I remember loving a good packed lunch-but who am I kidding? I'm never gonna pack a lunch. I'm totally living on Starbucks sandwiches and Powerbars."
Ah, but that's the beautiful thing about life- isn't it? If we can gracefully take a step back and look at our lives with a little less attachment to the versions we've vision boarded and penciled in, we realize that the version in the crystal ball we hadn't seen was perhaps a better option.....at least for now. Until the next vision in the crystal ball, that I won't even TRY to peer into.
The sweatpants are on the shelf, my dutiful slippers and cushion in the crease of the couch where I worked for hours on end, won't miss me- they've run their course. The slamming my head against an unforgiving brick wall and asking for new results is also done, hi, gnarly bump smack in the middle of your forehead, you are not welcome anymore.
This time around it's all about fresh, NEW- unfamiliar and brilliantly uncomfortable- all the better to feel the shift and learn to elegantly, cleverly wade through the renovation of your life; elbow deep in fresh paint, sawdust, cherry-picking and Google documents.
I'm the new kid. The one whose fingers are clutching the crumpled brown bag of afternoon snacks in the palm of her hand-carefully organizing her colored pens and sticky notes in perfect piles until someone tells her exactly how she should use them. I'm that moment in a conversation where you're swimming in ambiguity and butterflies. I'm the anticipation, the jitters, the sole of your foot on pretty little eggshells. The "take a deep breath," the "can I sit at your lunch table" and the "I hope he likes me." I'm the, "How do I do this?" and "What the hell comes next?"- the, "I'm not sure if...." and the, "Holy shit." (Holy shit is said often in moments of "New Kid.") I'm the, "I hope this isn't a dumb question," and the "I hope my hands are agile enough, my mind quick enough and my heart brave enough."
The air in the morning reminds me that I've been this kid before....when the sun has barely peaked over the mountains, when my hair was perfectly polished and my eagerness to BEGIN the process of "NEW" was met with perfectly rose-colored glasses, placed gingerly on my nose- and in the process, through every stage of "New Kid" I have grown into a bigger, wiser, more vibrant "kid"and with that I find myself here again, with that same optimism, that same ambition and even larger, more fabulous- slightly theatrical, rose-colored glasses, placed gingerly on my nose.
Do you ever feel like the "New Kid" in your life???