Monday, August 2, 2010

I was a TORNADO of a human last week- Good thing it's Monday. REDO!


Hi Monday, I've never been so happy to see you. Let's make out.

It was somewhere between my car temporarily breaking down, realizing my ex-Love (hi, that's weird to say) had jetsetted off to Japan for a major tour that would go through the U.S. opening for a big artist (whom you all would know), while I was stuck here mending and questioning and not! touring! the! world!, then getting sick (antibiotics mean no drinking? For one. whole. week.) and losing a couple different major freelance jobs in the matter of one week, that I decided I'd like a "redo." Easy button perhaps? Voodoo to release past karma- did I steal from the elderly in my previous life? Hunt ivory from endangered species? What the hell? I was honestly waiting for the last shoe to fall; a gigantic clunky heel of death. Or some incurable stage 5 disease. Boyfriend, gone. House, gone. Job(s), gone. Car, gone. SANITY, to smithereens.

While I was leaning over the hood of my car like the beginning of a bad horror movie, trying to figure out how to open the damn thing, my dress flying wildly (up and into places that onlookers shouldn't have seen) and my hair getting stuck to my lip gloss- I decided that not only did this week suck a hard nut, but that being single did too.

"This is what boyfriends do! They fix car things, or at least talk you through the roadside panic." I growled to myself through a clenched jaw, throwing in a few "Fuck my lifes" in for good measure, "GOD DOESN'T WANT ME TO HAVE POSSESSIONS EITHER?!" I think I maybe screamed that. Maybe. Then I stomped. Because I'M A CHILD. And because my car represents the last ounce of "home" and control that I still have. Control to drive for hours if I feel like it up the highway and back listening to chick songs and ugly crying, or overdosing on iced coffee.
....Or to toy with the idea that maybe one day, I'll just keep driving.....somewhere....until I've found a new life, a nice life- with pretty colored glass jars, sun tea with fresh lemon slices, simplicity and boys that bring you daisies.

When I realized that I had I absolutely no way of fixing my car without some assistance (Hi AAA, you save my life- turns out the battery was just 'disconnected'), I did what any smart woman does in a time of need; I ATE PIE. A LOT OF PIE. Like, a whole fucking pie.

When the pie settled, that choice felt just about as good as a one night stand. Tasty and tempting, but leaves you empty, regretful, void of substance and even hungrier for the "real shit."

Stomach ache in full throb, I realized; The reason all of this was so hard was because I was being manhandled into making choices, starting over and letting go of things that I wasn't ready to. The slate was wiped clean for me and now I actually had to fill it up with something new, but what would that be?

Sometimes when we aren't making choices for ourselves the Universe/Life/Whatever you want to call it, steps in and decides to make those choices for us. They rip off the Band-Aid and make you face the fact that you're trying to hide something under there that needs your attention. It's painful, it stings- you want to tell everyone to "fuck off" and throw the middle finger right up to the sky- I know, I'm the master of this these days. The amount of discomfort you'll feel when you're pinned into making a CHOICE that you weren't making in the first place because it was terrifying, or you were unsure, or it meant facing other unsatisfactory aspects of yourself, is ASTRONOMIC.

It's about as uncomfortable as having a nipple itch when you're leading a PowerPoint presentation.

You're forced into making choices now that you weren't ready to make.....but would you have ever made them if you weren't forced to???

I can't say that I would've. I like to think that I would be smart/creative enough to get myself out of certain ruts that I'd made a nice nook in, but I can't say that that'd be true. So yes,
things are wildly uncomfortable right now. My canvas is still relatively blank, my bank account is shameful, my heart is still pulsing to the rhythm of a twisted and depressive Rachael Yamagata song and sometimes I flip things off. Yes, things.....but in these moments of distress and self-doubt, when I start feeling sorry for myself, or slamming random letters on the keyboard to my ever-patient friends, and whimpering like a puppy into my wine glass, I remind myself of the quote by Rumi;

"This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all!.....He may be clearing you out for some new delight. " Rumi- full poem here.


What will you "welcome" into your life today??


64 comments:

Sid said...

Today I have the flu after being completely kick-ass this weekend. (I ran my first half-marathon). Right now I feel like nothing can welcome me into life. All I want is some GOOD coffee and sleep. (Sleep is out of the question since I'm at work).

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Sid- CONGRATS, that's amazing! It's on my "life list" eventually ;) Feel better and rest up :/

Nik said...

Girl, I know exactly what you are going through and you are doing GREAT. Last winter it dropped to like -60 up here in Montana and my car wouldn't start--and my love life was about that frozen too. I struggled with the same emotions you're feeling . . . I so feel you. I love your blog and your honesty is what keeps me coming back. You'll get through this cause you are a STRONG woman who also just happens to be one hell of an awesome writer too. Feel better, get that car back on the road, and keep on keeping on!

Much Love,
Nik over at Serendipi-tea

Brandi said...

I think it's great that you have the self awareness to see what is truly happening to you. I just finished a book that called these experiences "the dark night of the soul"...and they only happen because we have grown so much and mastered the level we are on and it takes a big universal ass kicking to get us growing at the NEXT level. Just think of how much more awesome you'll be after all this!

The Non-Student said...

I posted that Rumi poem last week on my blog when my ass got dumped a SECOND time by the SAME FUCKING GUY. I'm with you, friend. Inviting all my fucked up feelings for fucking tea.

Who? Me? said...

I am welcoming a day of rest. I've been really stressed about life, money, and my job lately so today I am welcoming a day of doing absolutely nothing.

Lola said...

Love that poem, I posted it last week too. Hmmm...maybe it's a universal shake up?

Sorry you're going though such a hard time, but during times like this when it all falls apart I just imagine I'm creating stories I'll tell my granddaughter about one day and she'll think how fucking cool her grandma is and what a crazy, tumultuos, kickass life she led before the Depends.

Big hugs. This too shall pass.

Doniree said...

You are brilliant, my friend. Absolutely radiant - and this? As uncomfortable as it is, you have friends who will scratch your nipples for you. Wait. I mean, I would. But that sounds weird - what I mean is... You're on the brink of something amazing because your slate's been wiped clean, because you're an empty and ready vessel for the Universe/Life/Whatever to inspire you to do amazing things. Which we'll talk about at 7PM tonight on the floor of a North Boulder condo.

Allison Blass said...

I feel this way, especially after having lost my job 2 weeks ago. It's something I never thought would happen to me and yet it did. And so now I'm feeling like a total life failure. Even though it's not really true. Sigh. I get you. I so get you.

Brian A. Frederick said...

Luckily it was just a dis-connected battery, however, if something like that ever happens again don't ever think that it would keep you from being free. I haven't had a car since I was 17 (I'm 28 now) and have done just fine. At first, it was state ordered (story pending), but since became just a normalcy for me because I realized that not having one made a lot more sense, and I've done just fine without it.

Sure, some of the more superficial women care, but really, why would I want to impress them with shiny wheels anyways? I've got more to offer. I still travel, I still get around, and I'm not constantly complaining like others about "high gas prices," or "how much such and such costs to get fixed." In a way, there's a lot more freedom and social responsibility tied to the absence of a hooptie.

I realize this post is about more than that, but, I was backed into a hypothetical corner and it worked out just fine. It always does. We're young and lucky. To that. I say we'll be. Just. Fine.

(Above writing style copyright Chelsea ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

allison blass- oh dear, I'm so sorry- at least you're not alone in your boat- TOTALLY. WITH YOU.

Lola- ah! IT MUST BE! I love that!

Brian- hahaha, i love that you copied my punctuation style. I take my own creative license there! As for the car, I can't imagine not having one....because I live in THE BOONDOCKS now, I get that I could get around, hypothetically, but I also have a thing about public trans. if it isn't as efficient as NYC, we have a problem. :)

happygolucky said...

Today I'm welcoming a gargling, clicking noise in my car, FINALLY finding a damn location for my sister's babyshower, and hopefully being offered a new opportunity in my life.

Keep your chin up. And eat more pie. Or cupcakes. <3

Anonymous said...

I stalk your page, but I don't believe I've ever commented. Today, I have to comment... I just love the raw honesty in your writing. You have such a wonderful gift of expressing yourself... writing about things many of us feel, but are unable to put into words to express the genuine, heartfelt emotion. I know you're struggling with your life right now (and this probably won't come as any comfort) but I'm a firm believer that we go through situations in order to help others in the future (or in the present) who go through similar hardships. Thank you for sharing on this blog... you truly are an inspiration. And keep your chin up, girl - you're alot stronger than you realize :-) ~Melissa from Ohio~

JUST ME said...

I am going to California by myself.

I didn't think I wanted to do this at ALL, but it looks like The Universe wants me to stop crying and get living.

...Although, you're still invited if you want to come. :)

Nahl said...

failure.

Alexis said...

First thing, I adore you.

Second, your ability to step back & evaluate the situation is such a wonderful gift. Remembering to welcome those things in as ways to grow, to renew, or whatever reason they might pop up is so great.

Third, don't get too blinded by the bad stuff that you miss out on the good stuff. I struggled with that a bit when everything I thought was great disappeared (whether I made the choice for it to or not). But if I hadn't forced my eyes open I would have missed out on some really good stuff...& one really amazing person...showing up at the same time or shortly thereafter.

Fourth, no really, I adore you.

;)

Phoenix said...

That poem by Rumi is one of my favorites. "Meet them by the door, laughing."

This month I'm moving, so I'm welcoming chaos into my life and putting out a place for it to eat for a little while. Normally chaos and I are mortal enemies but sometimes you just gotta go with it, right?

Desiree Love said...

If only i could hit that redo button a lot of choices I have made owuld be altered.
But for the better, that I sure as hell wont ever know.
Ahh well, those guests (emotions) can fuck right off cause i havent had a day off work in God knows when and I am begining to think if maybe, just maybe I throw a few fingers at the sky, I might probe a response, whether it will be one i like or not is another case entirely.

Keep the posts coming Chelsea...
Your words speak volume.

Jamie Varon said...

It took me a while to be grateful for the times where I feel like life had come crashing down around me. The times where I felt so uncomfortable, I wished I could leave my skin behind and start over. Forget that a skin replacement is impossible (maybe?), it's just not ever the best thing to do.

I tend to believe now, after so many really tough times, that in the moments where you feel the most terrible, that's when something astronomically massive is happening. And it sucks because, uh, yeah, no one would like to be thrown into the eye of a tornado. But, sometimes it's necessary.

And, based on the few conversations I've had with you, I know you know that. But even when you do know that... even when you're aware that you're in the eye of the storm and you're going to come out of it being so triumphant you're going to eat a pie JUST IN CELEBRATION, it doesn't take away from the fact that it all sucks. It really fucking sucks.

Let's drink tequila.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

I agree- anytime something is wrong with my car (in the past or the present) I always call a man. Luckily man friends are just as helpful as lover boys. And AAA will always pull through when all else fails.

Keep trucking, its all part of the process and youll get there. Sooner or later.

Jan said...

Girl, you go! You can push through and become better, stronger, smarter, beautifuler, fuller, healthier than ever.

I love your raw, honest writing and I wish I could talk about the tough stuff as well as you can.

Can't wait to see where you will be going with that roundtrip airfare!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Jamie- WE'RE DRINKIN' TEQUILA! And yes, I love this for so many reasons, not the tequila- but the comment.....I HAVE to believe something astronomically massicl is happening. HAVE TO. Because I do believe that...even though it sucks.

Jan-I'm definitely going to San Fran! to see miss Jamie about and @nicoleisbetter!

Kitty said...

"a nice life- with pretty colored glass jars, sun tea with fresh lemon slices, simplicity and boys that bring you daisies."

I freaking FEEL you on that one. That all sounds like fucking perfection, and I don't even like lemons in my tea.

I'm sure you will keep on trucking (I hate that expression but it somehow seems fitting) and get through this.

If not, I always have vodka, and love to travel.

p.s. every time I have ever had a nightmare, it's about a tornado. Your picture reminds me of them. I don't know what they mean, though.

anyway,
keep kicking ass.

Mindy said...

There's always good days, and bad days, huh? Ugh. Let's hope for more of the good...

I'm welcoming in a stress-filled life, because then I can tackle it head on. I'm over waiting for it to happen already. Sounds bizarre, but I'm serious.

DShan said...

I'm testing out a comment because I like spouting off random thoughts in Chelsea's comments, and there's a rumor flying around the internet that commenting on her blog is impossible, which is something I feel makes the world a little less great. Let's hope it's just a rumor.

Nicole said...

Hey there. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I visited this site, read this post and decided I must follow you immediately. Love reading your blog. Looking forward to reading more.

Paislea Elyse said...

thank you for the lovely comment on my blog! you're so sweet!

allisterbee.blogspot.com

Rachel Elizabeth said...

This is brilliant! I noticed you said you'll be coming to San Fran so if you want your dream of being greeted with a banner realized, just tell us when and where and the rabbits and I will get crafty.

xoxo
Rachel and the Goos
vivelagoos.blogspot.com

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

dshan- I'M SO GLAD THAT ONE WORKED. :) haha.

Nicole-thank you so much, so glad you came by!!! :) xo

Rachel- AH! I love that! I'll be there the 12-16th :) I'll send you a little message, we're doing a meetup!

Fit With Flash said...

Sweet blog! Thanks for your comment, I like you.

DShan said...

This morning I welcomed a day of relative normalcy, which is something we all take for granted until the moment at which the everyday hasn't happened for like a week and you find yourself almost uncomfortable with the idea of your daily life. Just the idea of it...like am I someone who works at an internet firm and started a company and do things really sit around and wait for me to do them because no one else will? Do I owe rent again, here in a somewhat unfamiliar city that I spent five days just being a tourist in this weekend? Rent?

Even an old life can seem new at times, and despite the drastic shift in your life's details I'd offer that the ride is taking you forward, from a life that might have been destined for half-smiles and almost-haves. Today is a day you smile and day you get what you want. It's the tomorrow you didn't see coming.

Rio said...

Thanks for visiting Showers of Sunflowers! Sorry about the rough week! You sound like a tough cookie, though! You'll pull through! :)
(http://showersofsunflowers.blogspot.com/)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Dshan- and again, without fail you've left a comment that's a nugget of a blog within a blog, perfectly crafted and wise. I love this.

Heather {A Measure Of...} said...

OK, I always love your writing so much! And I love Rumi! I was doing a presentation (teaching a mini class) on him way back in the good ole college days, and a friend of mine said: "Oh I love Rumi; sometimes he just has to be rode hard and hung up wet. I do that with him every couple years..."

And I thought, YEAH!

I also know about the car freedom!!! Until about two months ago, I lived without a car for about 3 years (after living with one for 10)! I suppose your car is better now, though. Maybe you need to really drive it far far away, or travel, get out of your skin for a while? Come visit, if you feel the need!

Hope your restart button worked!

Evie said...

Preach it! I had a lot of those exact same moments for about a whole effing month when I was broken up with back in February out of the blue. When it rains it pours.

However, today I "welcomed" a new relationship into my family world by planning a trip to take a new guy to meet my parents. Ask me 6 months ago if that would even be feasible and I would have said no. This will all pass, and when you come through the other side of the tunnel you'll laugh. For now, enjoy flipping the bird as much as humanly possible.

Glad you stumbled onto my blog so I could stumble onto yours!

Annah said...

Oh don't I understand the whole, I wish there was a man in my life moment you had there. BUT, only like once every six months, and it usually pertains to the need of sex. lol. Great post!

georgia~gigi said...

I like you already! You ex-love sounds like a loser(he he just playin') forget him, because you seem fabulous!
I can relate to the car issue, everyone that knows me hates my car! I'm not giving up on it tho' we've been thru so much!
I adore your blog and I am so glad you came by to see me :)
gi gi

BF said...

is beautiful to find blogs of people in the U.S. and Does Not speak only of clothes! jajaja

Indie.Tea said...

I think I sort of understand how you feel..I sort of felt that way after I lost my job (and I was really good at it too) and everything fell apart...but I decided to go back to grad school and come up with a new plan...I think that once the dust settles, you will do that to. REDO :)

Poppy Gets a Life said...

Hi Chelsea!

I've been following you on Twitter and felt so sad about all the crap that has happened to you recently. Sorry it's taken me this long to drop by and leave a proper comment.

I throw mini-internal tantrums often when things aren't happening the way I want them too (no-one else can really tell, I just start fuming madly on the inside until smoke starts coming out my ears), but I'm trying to learn to step away from the emotion. Sounds very zen, doesn't it.

Deep breaths, feel the anger and frustration, and don't try and force them away. Only on Monday, when it's REDO day!

Poppy xox

Larissa said...

Wonderful post Chelsea. Your honesty and willingness to unabashedly share the "shit of life" and then how you overcome it is worthy of applause.

Love the quote at the end too.

x said...

I'm sorry I smiled. But I did.
Especially when I read the poem by Runi. You made my day better, and not because I find it funny or satisfying that your life sucks right now, but because you look on the bright side of things even when everything seems to be in the gray area.
And I flip things off too. ;]
Feel better. I mean that. :]

Ms. Emily Ann said...

This post is fantastic... And I can totally relate. I used to stress about the crazy stressful situations life out me in, and then one day I just decided to go with it. Bc honestly, there are some great things that have happened in my life that I never would have chosen on my own, had I not been forced... but right now I am welcoming anxiety, bc neither me or my bf have a guaranteed secure job and we are planning on moving to another city in 2 weeks... so let's hope life is on our side on this one!

BethanySusan said...

Hi! I just found you. Life would definitely be better as a musical. Hello, Dolly! comes immediately to mind. :)

As to your recent calamities, they do suck the big one. I'm sorry. Remembering my darkest times makes me shudder. The awesome thing is, the bad times come to an end. I hope they do for you soon.

atoodleleedo said...

what a week!
Driving miles and miles to a glass jar of tea and lemon slices seems so refreshing. i hate when the world crumbles but especially when everything goes at one time. life seems to happen that way. keep your head up, your stronger than you think.

Diana Elizabeth said...

nothing like a new week to try things again - i plan redos every sunday (hmm... maybe i need to change something). but keep truckin, girl ... you'll be feeling better soon if you keep going as you are!

dmergiotti.wordpress.com

Anything but Bland said...

I feel like I was supposed to be born in another era, too!

let's follow each other?

Thanks so much for your comment!

love, polly ;D

m said...

a car is everything. when i started hearing a few small noises in my car, it freaked me out. i'm like pls don't have anything bad happen to you. today, i welcome life, air in my lungs, wind in my hair, the sun on my face. another day with my children to have a mom to snuggle up to, good health and food in my fridge. after seeing the floods in pakistan and a family of five eating out rice out of a plastic bag - and i always save these images - i'm one lucky gal.

repliderium.com said...

Today I will welcome bacon & eggs. It's my version of pie.

TheBigShowAtUD said...

Yeaahhh... there are a lot of good decisions I wouldn't have made had I not been forced to by external circumstances. Too true.

Charlotta Ward said...

Sorry to hear about your struggles.. I know it's a pain now but I am certain good things will come at the end of this road block..
Hang on in there.

xx Charlotta

P.S. Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. x

Skinny Dip said...

Today I am welcoming into my life some "taking-care-of-me time". I'm not sure what I am going to do but I want to do something nice for myself & only myself.

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I totally agree with what you're getting at - that sometimes its these truly crappy circumstances that force us to make those choices that are tough but will ultimately lead us to be happier. The fact that you can see this even though you're in pain makes me feel like you will pull through this & come out the other side even better :)

PS. Just started reading your blog because @socarolinesays said it was awesome & I have to agree! Thanks for inspiring me! xox

Meg said...

Great post - I've often said that I'm most comfortable outside my comfort zone. I think that being thrown into wildly uncomfortable positions is the best thing ever (of course, this is being said in hindsight so there's that.)

Today I welcome life - every deliciously uncomfortable piece of it. Bring it on, Betch.

xoMeg

Mary-Laure said...

You know what, I've been CRAVING pie lately too...

Michelle Bizon said...

Thanks for the great post, Chelsea! Sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Breaking up sucks. I was just dumped oh about two hours ago now, so I should know. Your blog posts are helping, though, so thank you for providing a little perspective!

Michelle Bizon said...

Also ... to answer your question about what I will welcome into my life: I will welcome possibility into my life. The future is limitless. I will act for ME.

wishful nals said...

mmm, pie is so good! :)

Anonymous said...

please please please write more. it's literally therapy for me.

Joanna said...

That Rumi poem is amazing and provides much-needed perspective, doesn't it?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Ellen@FirednFabulous said...

I'm going to gladly welcome the 10 Coronas and homemade guac I'm about to consume :)

The Owl's Closet said...

this is my first time on ur blog and i just love ur writing and honesty:) i totally feel ya. the last year has been such a downer for me, so today i'm welcoming a day of rest. i think i deserve some time to just sit back and breathe. thank u for sharing this poem!:)

Sophia said...

I love how you always have an inspiring lesson to go with all of your posts. It really makes me think. Keep your head held high!

xo, Sophia

marino77 said...

you will be fine, as underneath it all you area all about love -

the pendulum will eventually swing the opposite direction ...

Suffering is the sandpaper of our life. It does its work of shaping us. Suffering is part of our training program for becoming wise.
Ram Dass

Anonymous said...

Excuse, that I can not participate now in discussion - there is no free time. I will be released - I will necessarily express the opinion on this question.

 
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