Monday, August 16, 2010

Maybe someone is holding my REAL life hostage? And they're wearing a creepy mask and breathing heavily. Something like that...


"I'm bat shit insane." (Thoughts are things, la la la-fingers in ears- I'm declaring crazy. Maybe a few Xanax, midday cartoon watching and a padded room would do me good.)

A couple weeks ago I lamented to a fellow blogger over the demise of my sanity, whilst clinging to any shred of hope that maybe- just maybe, I could reclaim my future, sans straight jacket.
"I'm gonna start a business....." I pounded at the keyboard with the gusto of the Reese Witherspoon's character in Election- It'll be successful (whatever it is) and maybe I'll go back to school, and I'll be making millions, and maybe I'll write a book about my business, and maybe I'll dress "business casual," and. and. annnnnd- maybe I'll do "consulting," then maybe I'll hire employees and take day trips for meetings on the 40th floor of a high rise, and I'll stand in elevators in big cities all over the country, breathing in other's people successful air while we wait for that, "ding!" of our floor to alert us to go be all "successful and decisive and buzz wordy."

HI, can someone please tell me to 'lay off the bong Bob Marley.' Thanks. All of these maybe scenarios are NOT. MY. MAYBE.

When your whole life sort of "rearranges" -I would say you could interchange that with the word "crumbles" but, I'm being optimistic and crumbling sounds too ruiny, my life isn't quite Rome yet, I'm not that dramatic. -When things "rearrange" you start welcoming a lot of "maybes" in your life that weren't there before, because really you're considering the possibility that MAYBE you missed the boat that housed your "life's purpose" and you're MAYBE the greatest ad executive, or exterminator, or entrepreneur, or fucking Jiu Jitsu master that's ever lived- but maybe at one point in your life you had to choose between door #1 and door #2- behind one door you'd come across struggles, but they'd all ultimately strengthen your character and form the perfectly unique life you were destined to live- behind the other door, you go through a series of unsatisfying jobs, you get a Staph infection from taking your kid to the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese and your husband cheats on you with a girl named Candy, who dries snakeskin in her fridge to make belts.

Door #1, or Door #2- do you ever feel like maybe you chose door #2?

When you start to reevaluate all the things that have made up your "story"- the things that make you tick, the goals, the skills that are just innately a part of you- you can find yourself so far in a rabbit hole, that not only, doesn't have the answer you're looking for, but also, ultimately- leaves you doubting all of the things you know are CERTAIN about yourself.

Anytime we start looking at other peoples lives as models for our own and saying, "maybe I should be doing what they're doing..." we may open up or minds, or generate inspiration, which is good- IT'S GOOD TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, as long as you don't forget what's already inside the box you HAVE- if the reason for wanting THEY have, is actually because you don't know how to have what YOU want... you'll only get fuzzy images of what "happiness" means to you- because you're comparing it to what happiness means for someone else. When the "maybe I should...." is so far off of the things you KNOW, maybe what we really should be doing is settling into the fact that maybe you should just let it be for a bit, until all the maybes aren't a question, but they're that steadfast, BREATH OF AIR- the "yes" that breathes a sigh and a weight from your shoulders. The energy that opens the door and knows, without a doubt that it was Door #1....and that everything that lies behind it is in it's right place.

There are a few things that I know for CERTAIN that any job I have from here on out doesn't involve excessive color coding, or intense math- I know for certain that I can come up with a killer idea, but I'll probably hate the idea within 48 hours and have an equally killer idea to follow up with it-I know for certain I'll never be a chef and I have terrible knife skills, I cant stand the sight of wet food and I'm not sure how to pick out a good cantaloupe? I know for CERTAIN that I like to inspire people with words, whether I'm singing them, writing them, or teaching them in a class- I know for certain that I shine brightest when I get to hold court and that I'm the most comfortable when I'm the center of attention- I know for certain this is something I see as a part of (or AS) my job at some point- in which capacity, I don't know yet. I also know for certain that I hate wearing the color mauve. And that three months without sex is simply too long. FACT.

I know for CERTAIN that I'm happiest surrounded by joyful, thriving and motivated people. I know for certain the next job I have will read my blog, love me in spite of it and will be progressive, stimulating, and unique. I know for certain I can't budget to save my life and that my eyes glaze over when someone says the word "stock." I know for certain that I'll never, ever care about the animals as much as I should, and that if I'm supposed to wear my contacts for two weeks, I'll likely wear them for seven. And a half.

I know for certain that maybe all I should REALLY do is continue harvesting and praising and loving all of the bits about me that even if no one else sees them, I KNOW are fucking remarkable....and that all in time, those "bits" will/do come to the surface and the eyes, opportunities and places that matter, laying behind your Door #1 will see them, in all their splendor.




WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR CERTAIN???









148 comments:

Babe in Sugarland said...

Chels your blog scares me in a good way. No matter what I'm going through when I read your words inspiration just pours in. How do you do that lol?

For the past few years I do feel like I chose door #2. Maybe door #1 wasn't so bad. Nothing wrong with character building right?

Joy!

Ms. Babe

Melly said...

I know for certain that no opportunity has 'found' me. I have searched for them all, or those I keep close have mentioned them to me. Nothing ever just appeared. I had to hunt it down like an effin' secret treasure hunt.

...and for each of them, I've questioned my ability - which lead me to try REALLY REALLY HARD.

I haven't failed at trying yet!

That one girl said...

Wait, seriously, how DO you pick out a cantaloupe?

devilishdelish.com said...

i know for certain that i have no idea what i want.

Mel-Rox said...

I know for certain that if I get divorced again, I will NEVER get married again. I can say that with the utmost confidence because this isn't my first rodeo.

I know that I am good at finance and that is what I get paid pretty good for doing, but that my dream is to be an OR/ER Level 1 Trauma Center Doctor. (Big difference huh?)

I know that I do not want to have children. *Gasp*. I am 36, I love my life and my career and I love kids, I just do not want any of my own.

I know that way too many people are emotionally dependent on me and have no idea to handle it when I drop my basket (Ya-Ya).

I know that I'm impossible to make completely happy because I always want more.

Doniree said...

I know for certain that I feel deliriously happy when old and new friends gather for brunch on Sunday mornings. I know for certain that the unexpected is often the most fun, and I know for certain that the choices we make are us doing the best we can at any given moment. I know for certain that I am blessed by your light and your friendship :)

Jeremy said...

Chelsea,
I understand some of what you are going through, I went through a similar situation when I decided to quit my job. Just like you, I love to command a room and need fun and energy in my work. That's why I know being a teacher is the absolute perfect fit for me. Being on Twitter, I interact with a lot of people and occasionally compare lives, as we all do. The grass is always greener, but at the end of the day, I know I am doing what I was made to do. I know you'll find that right fit too.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I know for certain that I am not doing what I LOVE but for now it will have to do. That's kind of sad.

JUST ME said...

I know for certain that I only live once.

Which puts everything into perspective. Especially the scary shit.

A Lily Life said...

I'm certain that live will always be changing, that there is no set path that we are destined for and that we make our own destinies. I'm now certain that I'm not the only one who constantly questions if I'm doing what I should be with my life or just wasting time. Thanks for that! ;)

Renegades said...

I know for certain life changes and it's how we roll with those changes that show our outlook on life in general.

Change is hard, yet sometimes change opens up a door you've been looking for and didn't even know.

Lindsay said...

I know for certain that I can't have a job in a cubicle ever again. I need to be talking and interacting with people constantly in order to feel fulfilled by what I do.

Rolerkite said...

you need to write a book about being a 20-something(er). Our lives are very different, but your writing always seems to touch on something I'm trying to discover/relate to as a 20 something female trying to figure out this whole life, career, love thing.

I have problems eliminating things as possibilities for my life. It's hard for me to say "I will never be a..." because it feels like I am creating limitations for my creativity and who I can be, but that's a part of discovering who I am and finding what makes me happy. The process of elimination is what will eventually drive me towards my passions and what is behind my door #1.

Hails said...

I read this at the right time. Although I'm still struggling to accept the life I've ended up in versus the life I thought I would have, at only 25, I have to appreciate what I have. While some things turned out completely different (career or lack thereof), other things turned out more amazing than I thought (love and family.) I'm certain that as long as I keep appreciating what I have, life can only get better.

spleeness said...

How is it that you can be heartbroken and yet pump out these amazing posts that are funny and inspiring and enlightening and motivating? How do you DO that? Incredible. You're amazing.

What do I know for certain? That I don't know anything for certain....

Habbala said...

I know for certain that NOTHING is more exciting than finding a community that fiercely loves you and protects the things about you that are unique. I know for certain that life is constantly changing-- but sometimes we get periods that we will always remember like they're in technicolor. I know for certain that I am better off now than I was 1.5 years ago when I thought my life was locked in place (it wasn't.)

Heidi Renée said...

I know for certain that choosing to care about animals has made my life the great thing that it is today.

Phoenix said...

I know for certain that you usually write exactly what I need to hear. For the first time in a while I'm experiencing jealousy but as you noted, "if the reason for wanting what THEY have, is actually because you don't know how to have what YOU want... you'll only get fuzzy images of what "happiness" means to you" -

Dammit. YES. That's exactly what it is. I don't know how to get what I want so I just cling on to what other people want and instead feel threatened and jealous and it's so not cool.

I know for certain that I need to start taking ownership of my own life and freakin' rocking the decisions I make for ME.

P said...

All I know for certain is that NOTHING is certain and do you know what??? That works fine with me. God knows what's in store . . . that's what makes life exciting. :)

Auburn said...

One thing I know for certain that life doesn't consist of only two doors. In fact, I've discovered I'm happiest when faced with an Alice-in-Wonderland-style hallway where there is an adventure with every turn of the doorknob, even if it eventually brings you back to the same room (a little bigger or smaller, depending on what you ate or drank) to start on your next adventure. On that note, thank you for letting us all peer into your Looking Glass :)

Herding Cats said...

I know for certain that your writing speaks to me. I know for certain that this skill is one that you could find quite marketable AND enjoyable!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Auburn- well put indeed, I agree- there's many doors behind doors..... and what's behind them does change often....totally. agreed.

Christina said...

i am for certain that you have an awesome blog name!!! thanks for stopping by mine!

Aunt Becky said...

We all fall down. We all get back up again. Hang in there, love.

Alexis said...

I am certain that you are fucking fabulous.

I too, do nothing but stare without comprehension when someone starts talking about stocks & money & blah blah blah...

I'm glad you're trying not to look to what others are doing to make you happy in that way. If you want something you gotta go after it your way.

;)

LiLu said...

I know that we are awesome people and that everything is going to work out for us and that I AM going to get to see you and face lick you this year (again) no matter fucking what.

*chin bump*

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

lilu- CHIN. BUMP. We're so cute. (insert, gross?) whatever. face licking, chin bumping, i'm into it.

Lulu and the Locket said...

wow you are once speedy gonzalez with words there, sucked me right in, you're bloody amazing! xx

Jaymie said...

thanks for the comment :)
haha aw your blog is great.
i do like to talk smack!
Jaymie
http://jaymieocallaghan.blogspot.com/

Breee said...

very interesting post. I do agree. Who knows where we are going or what we really want in life.

thanks for checking out my blog!

I love PLL too! So much!

http://vivalabreee.blogspot.com/

briannelee said...

I don't know why but this saying always helps me get through rough times.... "this too shall pass". Even when things aren't going well I know that I will get through it and good things await me. No matter what door you choose I think things will work out ok :)

alovelylittleworld said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kallie, Happy Honey and Lark said...

I know for certain that this made me feel a whole lot less alone in my feeling like I should be doing what someone else is. At least theres always doors 3 through infinity if the right one wasn't picked first.

Larissa said...

Very inspiring post Chelsea- it's so dangerous to fall into wanting what makes other people happy, or what we're sold will make us happy. It takes a lot of strength and integrity to hold on to our certainties about ourselves and honor them in every path of life- career, love, friendship, blog, home, or contact lenses.

L'Amour et la Paix said...

Thank you for the comment! This is such a great inspirational post! xo

http://lamouretlapaix.blogspot.com/

Sarah Nicole said...

I really hope you fins some joyful, cheerful people to surround your self with. You deserve to be happy.

Breakfast At Toast said...

Fantastic post. I know for certain that moving to Chicago 18 days ago was the best thing I ever did.

I am at a crossroads with my career as well. I have my own business but want to turn it into a part time business and do something else.

You commented on my post where I wrote what I was going through as well. Remember what Oprah said!

Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Lulu and the locket- aw thank you so much! I'm so glad you came by!

briannelee- YES, that absolutely helps me :) "this too shall pass" indeed.

sarah nicole- thank you dear, I have indeed found those people and I'm incredibly grateful for them.

Cafe Fashionista said...

Seriously, the only thing I know for certain is that nothing will stop me from attaining my dreams and goals. Beyond that, I have no clue. :/

Isquisofrenia said...

thank you for your comment
you have such an interesting blog!

genevieve, sandbox romance said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
genevieve, sandbox romance said...

You have an utterly fascinating stream of consciousness style of writing, and I think I'm in love. I feel like I'm flying down the freeway at 200 miles and hour when I read this. Seriously. It's sick. It's awesome. I also think it's much cheaper than a shrink. Consider yourself followed (by yet another blogger...). Keep loving all those bits that no one else sees but you; they're your best kept secret.

Vintage Simple said...

I'm certain this "re-arranging" will happen more than a few times in life; after all, this is how we discover who we really are and what we're made of...no?

xoox,
-maria

Anything but Bland said...

aww I love that picture! hahaha I KNOW I want all of it, too!! :D

love, polly

Lisa Griffin said...

I went missing for a while and found you again, and I am so glad! Your sarcastic, witty, hilarious writing hit all the right notes for me tonight, THANK YOU!
www.indramaticfashion.com

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

genevieve- wow, thank you so much- this comment totally made my night. :)!!!

Vintage simple- I think that's true...

lisa Griffin- Well THANK YOU so much for coming back, so happy you did! and for your sweet comments, cheers!

Indie.Tea said...

I know for certain that I will get into a certain type of grad school, do amazingly well, and get a great job...that will finance my love of food :)
I loved this entry

Nicole said...

I think a lot of people feel this way. I know I do. But you have such a wonderful way with words that you captured it with such humor and eloquence. That's a gift. Love reading your blog!

Emily Jane said...

Recently (and this may be inspired by a certain trip) I can't seem to shake the feeling that I don't love what I'm doing. That 3 months ago when I was faced with a job loss, offered another one, and chose to stay, where eventually they DID find another position for me, maybe I should've jumped into the unknown, chosen the other door? As I flew back from a land of culture, of history, of MAGIC, back to my office where I sit behind a screen, making curriculum and keeping records, I asked myself why. I know what my passions are and they are not here. I'm happiest when I'm doing something for a cause, or letting my imagination run free with writing or design, or being surrounded by inspiring people who are passionate about life itself.

Really thought-provoking post. This stuff's hard.

christine said...

Wow, great post. You have a way with words, lady :)

Thanks for stopping by blog, so lovely to "meet" you and can't wait to read more!

Laura said...

I know for certain that one day I will figure out how to balance things and what I want to do. I don't know for certain when this will happen but I really hope soon!

*Erin* said...

jeez girl. you made me laugh and cry all in the same blog. great job.

i say continue keeping your head up. the people that really matter are the ones that see you for your true potential.

what I know for certain is that no matter who brings me down (even for the smallest second), I am the only one i can rely on to bring myself back up. others may be able to make you sad, but they can only rob you of your inner joy if you let them. just more randomness by Erin. haha.

But i enjoyed reading your blog. You inspired me to join the 20-Somethings Blogging site, too.

Big fan!

Pop Champagne said...

interesting post. things happen, shit happens and we get back up and hopefully won't encounter it again! :D

Ashley said...

Damn. Very interesting blog. I'll definitely be coming back.

So far, it seems as if I've taken door #1.5. Things suck sometimes, but I'm hopeful for a decent outcome. I don't love where I'm at now, but I don't hate it either, and I'm actually making progress to fulfill some type of dream, despite the fact that I don't know what it is yet.

Connie @ SogniESorrisi said...

I know for certain that I love certain people with a ferocity that scares me sometimes. It scares and awes me that I can feel like that.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
peterdewolf said...

I know for certain that I just like writing.

And if I'm not writing, I'm all sorts of grrrr-faced.

Sophia said...

I know for certain that I love this post. I also know for certain that if you begin with the things you know you are certain of, you'll get somewhere with the maybes.

xo, Sophia

Florida Girl Meets the Midwest said...

I know for certain that you can not see your reflection in running water. Sometimes it is okay to just be. Sometimes life carries you and not the other way around.

Love your blog, lady. I see a lot of my 20-something self in your words, not that I am all that different.

dulci said...

same! i know for certain i'm surrounded by good people :)

http://ladulcivida.blogspot.com/

Paige said...

oh my god your blog is amazing!

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