Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Who doesn't want damaged? Damaged brings superglue and Bubble yum to the party!


"He doesn't realize how damaged I am...."


My friend said as she stood in the kitchen, looking 100% far from "damaged," on the outside, while on the inside her bits were peeling, crashing to the pit of her stomach and sitting in a mess of debris from the wreckage. She stood like a statue, perfectly coiffed and steady, goddess like in her expression and I looked back her, empathizing after taking two Aspirin and washing it down with a glass of wine. had managed to drudge through yet another day looking "undamaged" myself and relatively composed (minus the hot sauce I managed to get on my jeans....even though I didn't eat any hot sauce- this takes a certain kind of skill, it just does.) but I could still feel that remnant stuff....sitting, with no landfill.

I was the damn landfill. My heart, my guts, my spirit....now all mixed with the messy bits. Or hunks of garbage carefully rearranged to fake the look of "motion." Like moving your food around a dinner plate when there isn't enough flavor, or you've lost your appetite. Yeah, we do that with feelings too, but ultimately....it's all just sitting there. Landfill.

There's something about that word that just kind of buried in my skin like a tick,"DAMAGED"....it's like, whatever it is I probably want to send it back.
I don't want to hang on to the spare parts, or try and repair it. I don't want the residue of superglue peeling from my fingertips for days while I try and put it back together, I don't want to try and figure out where-that-fucking-piece-even-goes-if-I-attempt-to-put-it-back-together. I'd just like to return it. Send it back, perhaps with some nice warranty that allows me to have a new one, maybe even a new one every year for seven years if I fucking feel like it. A whole one- with less work. Whatever it may be. It isn't like it's just "flawed," but it's DAMAGED, meaning; this one isn't worth keeping.....

...yeah. Well, guess who's damaged? SPOTLIGHT ON THE CHICK DOING SPIRIT FINGERS, RIGHT HERE, YO. Ah yes, why don't you just crank up the heat and shine it on me, I'm standing center stage and I brought my shiny taps. So sure, damaged? Probably.... and here's the thing; I don't want to be something/someone people want to return.... It's like, by acknowledging you have been damaged, or that you ARE damaged you nod your head at the fact that you are now somehow less desirable, less of someone worth bidding on, of less overall value than what you were once worth.

Oh that one right there? Yeah, it's marked down- it's damaged.

We all go through a bit of "damaging"- we get bruised up, there's scratches and then there's dents sometimes we don't even notice until you're suddenly under some weird light in a parking garage and you realize some motherfucker hit your car without leaving a note, (yeah that happened) or, maybe you bump up against someone and a piece of you that you used to have is touched on and the void of that "thing" that you're missing becomes so apparently clear, you can't even IMAGINE someone wanting to try and fill it in for you. It's an impossible feat.

The thing is, there's always someone who knows how to work with "damaged," who sees the USE of the spare bits, has the perfect glue to fill in that "imperfect" chip in that once-perfect-porcelain heart of yours.

Trust that there will be someone who doesn't see the repair as "work." They just see you, perhaps even standing like the Venus de Milo, holding onto the pieces of yourself that have somehow been severed and just need an extra hand to piece back together. Or maybe it's less classy and you're actually snotting into a glass of Scotch looking like Tammy Faye Bakker after a monsoon.

To my beautiful friend, I will repair you. He will repair you and you will repair you, by continuing to stand strongly, beautifully "damaged." And I will open my hear to restoration myself. This one is for all those pieces, to that inconvenient landfill of heavy emotions, to those shreds that remain, victim to someone elses wrecking ball of a heart. Cheers to the wreckage, that you will rise from like a Phoenix, since yes my loves, every rebirth deserves a dramatic entrance. We are all perfectly worth keeping...damaged bits and all.





Who has helped "FIX YOU?"
















35 comments:

DShan said...

I just watched 140 people walk off a plane. I'm sitting at the airport, it's late, and these are tired travelers. They're walking exhaustion and they are every shape, size and color you'd find in a bag of halloween candy (okay, there are not any purple people yet).

Some are obviously strangers chatting, some are travelling with friends and loved ones. Some are alone. All of them are damaged, all of them a mixed bag of frustration, happiness, battle scars and optimism. I'd venture to guess each has seen their heart's hope challenged in numerous ways.

I'd venture to guess some are walking towards their next emotional boxing match.

Thing is, no one isn't damaged. Flat out, we're each struggling to find our place if we succeed at 'that' it simply means we've learned to except that the human condition is one of perpetual imperfection. We fear our own emotions, and we most certainly fear the vulnerability that each new person in our life represents. Sharing our lives with someone is our most courageous endeavor; never meant to be easy and never meant to anything more concrete than a commitment to the process.

Everyone wants someone who's damaged. It's the ones who think they aren't you've got to look out for. Damaged, crazy, quirky, weird, unique; we're all just looking for the damage that shines in the light we see the world through.

Desiree Love said...

Ahh, soo true, previous comment really touched a spot.
Who helped fix me..
Chelsea did, and alsways seems to do so.
Sheer skill
x

Dr. Cynicism said...

Let's do some reframing (psychological jargon for thinking about things differently). I'd argue "damaged" is a shitty word that should actually mean the following: EVERYONE has a past, and EVERYONE has life issues, big and small, in that past and currently as well. So if you are alive and breathing, you're technically "damaged." That's why "damaged" is the wrong way to look at it. It's simply life, that's all - and no one is exempt.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Cliche, but...it's the imperfections that make a person interesting, loveable, and human. When you live hard, when you love, laugh, work, play, all so very, very hard, you're bound to bust a few bones, break a heart or two, and bear bruises, sometimes for much longer than we'd like.

But, that's LIFE. I, for one, wouldn't want it any other way.

Especially because that healing process can be oh so sweet.

doniree said...

You've helped fix me, in your friendship and beautiful spirit. I've helped fix me, in my sheer determination to be whole and beautiful. He has helped fix me, in the safety that is believing that love is gentle and kind and crazy and passionate - and respectful and honoring.

Derek's right though - hearts are challenged and we've all been hurt. You're not 'damaged,' - you're human. And beautiful, emotional, and all of the things that come with the "messy" bits.

Ms. Co-dependent said...

"Tammy Faye Baker after a monsoon." Haha. Anywho...my boyfriend helped fix me. Every relationship I've had has really screwed me up, mostly because the guy left me and I couldn't deal. By the time I met RD, I was a mess. But somehow, he deals with me. He deals with all of the emotional turmoil I go through everyday. And while he might not always help me in the ways I want (i.e. replying promptly to text messages about me feeling shitty), sometimes we'll be watching TV in bed and he'll lean over and kiss me, right out of the blue. And that helps put me back together better than any superglue ever could.

Jess said...

Me. I helped fix me. Obviously the me that was broken and battered didn't have the capacity to do the mending. But the person I became, going through the fog and drudging through it at times became someone that showed the old (broken and battered) me that no, I can't be broken and no I will not allow someone outside of myself to have so much control. They don't deserve it. I'm better than being a puppet in someone else's journey.

Daily questions and daily non-acceptance of my current state in the muck absolutely would have continued if I didn't have people. People that allowed me to just mope when I needed to (compassion) and brought me dancing anyways (distraction). Danced to the point that I felt free again. But only I could remove the shackles.

readsalot said...

As cheesy as it is, my husband is the one who has built me up, fixed me as much as I can be fixed. The thing is, I have done the same for him. I honestly believe that everyone is damaged, whether from past relationships or just life, everyone has cracks. Even the most put together, seemingly perfect person has experienced something that has chipped away at them.

My husband fixed things in me that I hadn't realized were broken. A fear of commitment that I truly didn't know was there until confronted with someone who I could actually have a real relationship with, trust and control issues from medical drama from my childhood, a whole mess of crazy lurking beneath the surface. He took all of it on and aside from the occasional teasing about being married to a crazy person, he does it willingly without complaint.

Damaged just means life experience. It is all how you look at it.

Caro said...

There are some things you just cant fix, you simply have to accept them and this is the hardest part.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Desiree Love- Aw dear, thank you very much, xo.

Dr Cynicism- Yes, completely agree- but yet we find ourself in places usually after the storm, when things are starting to settle where we FEEL damaged, no one comes out unscathed, and that's why life is beautifully messy and incredible- "damaged" isn't the TRUTH, but it's a word that we feel from time to time, everyone does...even when you know the dents in your armour are building your character and your story.

hannahjutbreathe- amen sister.

Doniree- ah yes, I should just called your Dr. Doni, you've repaired me bit by bit my love.

Ms. Codependent- ah, sigh- dearest, those kisses on the forehead are the best aren't they?

Jess- Well said, ultimately we do have to be able to do it for ourselves, but there's always those angels along the way that walk alongside YOUR path with you, assisting in the healing process.

Reads a lot- Absolutely. Who ever marrys me will say the same thing, you know the bit about being married to a crazy person. Yep, they will definitely say that.

Caro-Its also usually those bits that people love the most once you accep them.

Alexis said...

People are so beautiful because of the damage.

I always start singing "I should tell you" from Rent in my head during moments like these...

I think we all help put the pieces back together just in our acceptance of ourselves & each other, & all our broken pieces.

Matt said...

This post really means alot to me... more than I care to comment.

Thank you for writing it. You are wonderful.

tee said...

Margaritas. Margaritas help fix me.

Oh, and time. Even when you superglue things together you have to wait 15 seconds before the bond holds. It may feel like the longest 15 seconds of your life but in retrospect, it won't be.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

my current boyfriend has helped fix me in more way that i ever anticipated. and the good thing is i know i'm doing the same thing for him.

which is a good feeling.

because you're right, people help people heal.

Shannon said...

Lately I haven't really needed any fixing in terms of relationship stuff (I've lucked out). But in times of needing fixing of any kind, my mother is there.
And when she is not, I can usually find something inspiring and uplifting here.

I'm glad there's a blog out there that reminds people to do their best and respect themselves. And that it gets better.

Phoenix said...

I know a lot about Phoenixes, my friend. (That should go without saying.) Here's what I think about being "damaged" - that it's bullshit. We aren't cars, we aren't machines, we don't arrive on this world perfect and then slowly lose parts over the years.

We are alive. We are not dead machines that need fixing. Would you call a tree that looks different from other trees damaged? What's a damaged cloud look like?

We are growing, always, so there is no damage. Damage is growth, and we just need partners who are willing to put in the work to keep up with us, give us a little bit of sunshine and water, and grow alongside us.

We are not machines. We are living, breathing creatures, with hearts full of love.

Who? Me? said...

My husband is the person who fixes me.

After a guy I trusted attempted to rape me in college...

After both of my childhood pets had to be put to sleep...

After my parents sold their house, my house, and country songs on the radio make me cry...


And God willing, he will always be around to fix me, no matter what life throws our way.

Amanda Blair said...

God I needed this today? How do you do it? I will say it again, please god please, be a life coach! Or be on tv...you need to get your wisdom out there more.

I feel damaged and i am trying to repair the damage myself because for too long I relied on men to do it for me. I realize now, the no one but myself can make me feel whole-- and only when I do feel whole will I find someone that I can love, not depend on. For too long I depended on someone else for happiness but no more. Now I only look inward when I an extra boost. I agree with you though and I am refusing to think I am damaged because I AM something worth having, damnit!

Thanks for the post!

Robin said...

I don't think anyone else can "fix" us. I think we are here on a mission of spiritual growth. Right now those pieces of you that feel damaged will one day be your greatest strengths. Doctors say that bones that are broken are strongest in the broken places. For some reason, that in that healing process the bone becomes stronger. I am not saying that you should get harder with your heart. This will make you more compassionate for others going through the same sort of experience, for one thing. I don't know how many good things will come out of this. I just know that they will. You can see yourself as damaged or in the healing process. Both are true. One is healthy. The other isn't.

Kim said...

The good news is that we are not inanimate objects that once damaged need to be repaired. We are living, breathing , ALIVE organisms who will heal all on our own, given time. The process always speeds up when we surround ourselves with people who love us and accept us regardless of how damaged we may feel right now.

Becky said...

Have you ever read, "The Catcher in the Rye"? If not do so very soon. It's my favorite book of all time.

As I read your post, it really reminded me of a particular part in "Catcher."

Holden, the main character, found a record (see vinyl) that he knew his kid sister Phoebe would love. After he bought it, it accidentally broke before he could give it to her. Holden was devastated, but when he finally saw her and told Phoebe that he bought it but it broke, she asked him if she could still keep the pieces.

Even if you are broken or damaged there is always someone that wants to keep your pieces.

moe said...

I always think of a line that Mimi says on Rent, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." We all have baggage and damage, and I totally agree that we need to find the people that don't view each one of us as work, those are the people to keep close!!
I also think of an entry I read on postsecret.blogspot.com that someone said that they loved their boyfriends acne because it made him "real." I usually find myself falling in love with peoples imperfections, and realizing that makes me more okay with my own.

bitethebedbugs said...

Writing fixes me. Write through it all. Ativan is a decent chaser to that too.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully said Chelsea. I felt the pain..the feeling that I too, have been damaged, over and over and over...but, .the really good news is that when your heart realizes that it can't even remember what the huge deal really was..it starts to shine even brighter and more beautiful, than before! Like an unpolished diamond..it begins to glisten bright, brighter, brightest...Your soul has learned to see the most precious hearts, a little clearer..and the lost ones become faded and die in your glow!! JN L

Anna said...

Oh Chelsea, every time I visit your blog I come away inspired and a little stronger. What you write is really helping me :)

My 3 best girlfriends help fix me. They are my cheerleaders and my support team. But at the end of the day I need to fix myself. I have to be strong enough to rely on myself for comfort.

Anonymous said...

The artistry of the right welder, can make the steel stronger than it ever was before.

Skinny Dip said...

" It's like, by acknowledging you have been damaged, or that you ARE damaged you nod your head at the fact that you are now somehow less desirable, less of someone worth bidding on, of less overall value than what you were once worth"

This is exactly what I was thinking when I was reading this. I used to say "I'm too damaged" and then I realized I was selling myself short. By saying I was "damaged" it gave me an excuse to not move forward, to not try and put myself back together, to not face things...doing these things are hard & scary but the pay-off is worth it. I agree- we're all a little bruised up & "damaged" but its up to us to love ourselves & make something good from the wreckage.

Meg said...

Love this.

I think that the fixing process is most effective from within. No doubt, it's more difficult from within as well but with that pain and work and struggle comes the beauty of knowing that you're your own piece of art.

I feel like sometimes breakups can be the best things in the world. That makes no sense, I know, but think about how wonderful it is to have yourself shattered to pieces and then get to CHOOSE which pieces you do and do not pick back up. With new relationships come new pieces and potentially more damage but also the chance that someone else's pieces, their damage, fits yours and makes you both better than complete.

So following the great fall of Spring 2010 for me, I fixed myself. I also met a man who has completely opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not crazy, I'm not difficult, I'm not unreasonable and more importantly, I'm worth every ounce of work that goes into knowing me. Maybe it'll be something maybe it won't but you have to take the good and leave the rest - can't let your bags weigh you down too much.

xxMeg

Sizzle said...

Cheers to the wreckage... I'll raise my glass to that.

hellotaylor said...

I love this, especially the last paragraph. Beautiful.

I think being damaged is simply being human. It happens.

mn said...

myself, my belief in God and my family.

asplenia said...

Those last two paragraphs made me tear up. Absolutely beautiful and incredible and moving. Thank you.

Clarity said...

This was interesting. I have to say we are imperfect, but we should neither hate it nor "adore" it.

But Chelsea, I don't think we should look to anyone else to do the repair work, it's not their job, it's ours.

Ms. Co-dependent said...

Guess what! I gave you an award! Check it out at: http://mscodependent.blogspot.com/2010/09/awardi-has-one.html

Susan said...

Almost always, the person who fixes you is someone you can fix too- husband, boyfriend, best friend...

 
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