Sunday, October 24, 2010

I wouldn't date me. FACT.


I wouldn't date me right now.

I mean, I just. straight. up. would. not. (hi, you're welcome- this is what we call a disclaimer....don't say I didn't tell you so.)

To tell you that I think it's a "bad idea" is a little bit like saying, "throwing your hair dryer into a bathtub full of innocent children merrily playing with rubber duckies is a bad idea...." Bad idea doesn't even come close, let's try something more like; terrible, no good, tragic, just go stab yourself in the eye with a pool cue, idea. I suppose people would also call this self-sabotage- I'm an unfortunate case study into the minds of the recently heartbroken.

Somewhere between my schizophrenic emotions and convincing people that I'm "undateable" I've managed to rack up more than one perfectly dateable, solid, great guy who thinks he can change my mind. And you know what, selfishly, I'll let him try... I'll let him try because I don't think I'm a total lost cause. I'll let him try because I believe in romance and love and connection and that whole "soulmate" thing. I'll let him (them) try because I believe amazing magical things can happen over plates of gnocchi and perfectly picked produce. I'll let him try because he knows that he's "trying..." that I've got many a trap door to walk through.

I'll let them try because I think more than often than not people surprise you and more than anything, we surprise ourselves. One moment we're clinging to the threads of what was and then "what was" is replaced by what is, and what IS, is series of small differences that weave themselves in fragments to start; a strand here, an anecdote there.... he starts understanding the subtext of the way you say a certain word, you start making plans a week out...a month out...strand by strand. I'll let them try because I want to look upon someone adoringly, I want to make room in my life for more than a party of one. I'll let them try....

..and with every effort, I'll messy it a bit. I'll pick at the edges that are peeling until the entire thing needs a new coat of paint. I'll take something pure, blank, and I'll scribble daisies, eyeballs and crooked hearts in blue ink on it. I'll push them away, I'll make excuses- I'll throw another date into the mix, because it'll make it easier for me to walk away from one or the other and feign interest, in place of dealing with how I really feel. Which is a whole lot of nothing. Emotions, off. A rusty, heavy, valve I used my withering biceps to turn off.

I'm a girl who doesn't have the ability to make the distinction between someone "right" and someone right now. I'm a hurt person running the risk of hurting other people....and that's the cycle as it goes....

I had "right." I found the pockets I wanted to put my hands in, the musk on the neck collar that I wanted to smell every day. I was comfortable with the rhythm of him....and when one sweet boy says, "Chels, are you afraid if by dating me you close the door on him?" the answer is YES. Yes, I want my door, my heart, the glow of my porch light with a warm body on the inside to be there....with a Welcome mat, that says, "Let's try this again."

I know, it makes my stomach churn too.

It's everything from inconvenient, to disconcerting...to futile. Completely and utterly, futile.

It's part of why the last two weeks have been nearly impossible for me to sit down and WRITE. To communicate....to consider the hearts of the people I'm involved with and also be honest. Not just to them, but to myself. Lying to yourself is surprisingly easy until you sit down at a blank screen and your words are sharp, pushy and deafening. Turns out blogging, when some of the relationships, people and situations are public isn't ideal. Shocker.

So what do I do with that? WHAT. DO. I. WE/US/THEM. DO WITH ALL OF THAT?

The only decisions to be made are the ones right in front of me, I'm completely nearsighted. You take a trip to San Francisco, then you go to Vancouver...you have dinner with someone new, you spend a night at home by yourself watching Basquiat wishing you were given the green light to be fucking crazy because you were a painter. You consider taking up painting. You carve pumpkins with your girlfriends and get a little fatter over fried mac and cheese squares at midnight. Then you try not to drunk text and you wake up in the morning, "wee! didn't drunk text!" and then you try not to sober text, when you see something that only he would understand via text. You consider giving up texting period.

You continue. You date. You marinate. You take one step forward and 9,000 steps backwards. Then you do a fucking skip and a hop, (perhaps a cartwheel even) forward again. You let him make you laugh, then you let him say, "I'll go to war for your heart..." and you revel in that, because the one that was "right" didn't say that. And probably never will. SO, you let people adore you, because as much as you don't think you're worth adoring, all of that ish is fictitious. (Yeah, Fergie said it.) FACT.





Would you date "you?"

















52 comments:

JUST ME said...

Oh baby girl.

FIRST - don't give up texting because I need to text you about hanging out next week.

SECOND - I'd date you. You're real. You're honest. That doesn't come around often. Plus you have shiny hair.

THIRD - I'm finally ready to "be dated" (<--word?) by someone amazing. Hot. Kind. Read to commit and make his own damn good money. And then I'm ready to love him as much as he loves me...because any other way just doesn't work.

So - love your shiny hair. Let others love it. And let your heart tell you what to do next. :)

AND FIND ROOM FOR ME IN YOUR LIFE NEXT WEEEEEEK

Meghan said...

Right now? No. I'm fresh out of break up and finding little victory in starting to adhere to a 'new' daily routine without him. I'm a mess on every level, and what dating advice books would probably call 'toxic'. But that's not to say down the road I won't be a great person to date.

Good luck with your positive steps forward. xo

DShan said...

It's a motherfucking war and I'm bringing guns, grenades, and no fear of dying.

filleosophy said...

I would totally date me! I think. Let's see.

I mean... okay, so I borderline qualify for three major personality disorders, but it's part of my charm. I'm quirky. My reasoning is that pseudo-psychosis worked for Natalie Portman in Garden State. Total babe!

And and and! I am a really good cook, as long as you're okay with eating the five or so things I know how to make. And if you're not, that's why they invented take-out.

I'm a cheap drunk, which means you don't have to spend very much money on me if we go out. Dream girl! Of course, this also means I'm usually drunk whenever we're together, but everyone needs a "thing." My thing just happens to be processing ethanol. It's a gift, really.

Also, and probably my best quality -- I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong, I can make it seem like I'm at least half-right. It's like dating a politician, except I have good hair.

Wait, what was the question? Oh, right. Dating myself? WORST PLAN OF ACTION EVER. ABORT MISSION. But I'd like to date the person who WOULD date me. Because that person has great taste.

Caroline in the City said...

I definitely would not date me. I act like I'm over it, but I never really forget. But I'm lucky to have someone who wants to make me happy.

And I'm glad you have someone willing to be broken in order to repair your heart. That's pretty selfless.

Elisa said...

I have said that same thing (I wouldn't date me) multiple multiple multiple MULTIPLE times. And I'm a relationship columnist. Works *real* well. :)

I'm not going to tell you that it will all be good, that you will get over it, that you WILL find that someone to love you and that I think you should install Disqus or Intense Debate so I can "like" Derek's comments. Cause I hear that stuff all the time (with the exception of the comments thing) and it makes me want to punch people in the throat.

Of *COURSE* I know I'll get over it, and one day I'll wake up and roll over and look out the window and things will finally be different. But I desperately want that day to be today (or maybe even tomorrow) but it isn't happening and I am just SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING THAT WAY!!

So...ummm...I'm sorry you are feeling undateable and I completely understand. In fact, is it obvious I'm taking a break from writing my own emotion/romance/relationship post download? :)

Jeremy said...

I wouldn't date me. I'd date dshanahan though. He's dreamy.

gem said...

Hell no I wouldn't date me. I need someone who has their shit together. I can barely pull rent together. I can't even pull an outfit together. And I definitely can't pull a relationship together. I need someone who can.

Bah said...

I would date me and then dump me three weeks in. Not. Ready.

Bridget said...

Considering I cried myself to sleep last night because of a conversation I had with Mr. Unattainable, probably not. Give me six months of no doubts about an ex-boyfriend and being able to think about Mr. Unattainable (different people) without my heart hurting, I will be dateable. It will happen for us both. It just takes time and that my dear, is the hardest part.

Dash said...

its funny because i wouldnt date me, but i expect a perfectly balanced , gorgeous, kind, intelligent, lovely man to do the honours.

Anna said...

Heck yes I would date me. I am amazing.

I don't think you are letting anyone do anything they don't want to do. You sound like you've been honest with them. What they do with that is up to them. Enjoy the time you spend with the other men. Moving on is part of the process. :)

I wish I had a couple good contenders to re-learn things with. The last two guys have been 1. Guy who ended up in jail last week ( I know right), and 2. Guy who smokes pot all day long every day ( I did not know that until later).

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anna- oh darling, i've dated 1 and 2 sometimes together or separately. BEEN THERE. SISTER.

Stacey said...

First, God bless your honesty. I know you probably think bad things about yourself simply because you're feeling what you're meant to feel right now, but that honesty you're trying so hard for it honorable and will pay off in the end. Second, heartbreak comes in waves, and those "9,000 steps backward" are only you going through the stages you're supposed to be going through.

I believe in you, and your strength.

genevieve, sandbox romance said...

I wouldn't date me. If I did I'd break up with me and then I'd really have no hope left for myself. Plus, dating yourself is kind of an incestuous Harry Potter time turner esq business. None of that, please.

I would, however, consider dating a man who cooks and has beautiful hair and likes to be alone for more than five minutes at a time. I guess I'll be waiting for a while.

Girl, seriously, smile! You've got SO MUCH going on for you right now, in this very second. I know it's probably hard to see the forest for the trees, and I know that you can't just tell you mind to shut the fuck up and let you be happy. BUT you can fake it, until one day your stomach hurts because you're laughing too hard and then suddenly you know for a fact that it's real and you can do this. So smile. Even if it's fake. Because you can do this, dammit.

Fizzgig said...

I'd date me, propose to me, and live happily ever after with me. There was a time when I wouldnt have wasted my time on me, but now I'm pretty awesome.

I can't for the life of me figure out why I cant find this kinda guy to date me.

I think it may have to do with the fact that I too am still hung up on what i use to have. I know the sooner I let it go the sooner I can move on, but I dont wanna.

DShan said...

@jeremy CALL ME


hahahaha:)

The Non-Student said...

Chelsea, I am so appreciative of your blog. I wish you and I could have tea together. I read your posts and all I think is, "Yes, exactly." Keep writing, girl. You are helping a lot of us out there with hearts not quite healed.

Mel-Rox said...

I didn't even finish reading before I stopped to comment.

My best friend was completely and utterly against being in another relationship. She was married for ten years and was miserable for most of that time. She just didn't want to be with anyone for quite some time and wasn't looking and wasn't even open to the idea or it. However, shortly after her divorce, she met B. At first she was just wanting to have some fun and hang out. I told her from the first time she told me about him that she was a fool if that's what she thought was going to happen.

Let's just say that I am right. B is AMAZING. He is everything that she has NEVER had. Everything a man should be for and to a woman. Everything she needs in her life.

Chels, let him try. Please. Let him show you what a real man can be (this is of course if he is one). Let him show you what being treated like a beautiful, talented woman can be like. What it's like to be loved and appreciated. You deserve it.

Let him try.

color said...

Frick if i know! I am just as mind fucked as you are right now. Just this morning I got a text from my boy crazy girlfriend that said " wish i could literally NOT CARE like you. Then it hit me. WOW. Do i just not care? yupp, basically i'm mean and eat nice boys for lunch and regurgitate them just in time for dinner. So considering I like assholes who don't care and want to eat nice hearted girls- pretty much yes. yes i think i'm exactly the fucked up version of who i want to date.

Anonymous said...

Do you really want someone to go to war for your heart? While you can appreciate the gesture, do they know you well enough for such an extreme action? To me, that would be a bit off-putting. It seems way too one-sided. Someone doing all of the giving/fighting...which isn’t fair.....heck, you should know all about that. The only person that should be going to war for your heart is someone who really knows that your heart is worth going to war for. I’m not saying that your heart isn’t worth going to war for by any means. I’m saying that someone who hasn’t had your heart really isn’t qualified to make a statement like that....yet. Someone who has not yet had your heart wants the “idea” of you – what they “think” you will be like to date. You have to want to go to war for their heart as much as they want to go to war for yours. You’ll know when you’re ready and you’ll know when its right. You’ll know because you will want to put on the camo too.

prettylittlereckless said...

I can relate to your posts so much right now- not that I had someone perfect, but the whole fall out that comes after not having them in your life anymore. It sucks. And you wonder how/why they can so easily move on and not bother to take in how fabulous you are. You know it's their loss, but you can't help but feel a little sad and think of them during certain times. You see their name and it's slightly crushing. etc.

Would I date me right now? That's such a great question. I want to say yes, but my mind still obsessively thinks about the boy and how easily he used me and didn't even seem to care. How we had an amazing night the week before he let his ex move in. How he confirmed they are now in a relationship. I'm just left wondering how long it'll take for me to get over him. Why I'm left here standing wondering why it never worked with us. How long I'll analyze it.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

genevieve- you're absolutely right, I do and I am smiling, but sometimes you're right, you've gotta fake it till ya make it...ya know ? :)

the nonstudent- thank you so much, I will indeed...I love when people are reading and NODDING along :)

mel rox- interesting point indeed and I certainly do think that that's the case sometimes...absolutely. I am letting him try...

color- ah hah, one of the best comments ever. I hear you.

anonymous- very interesting point and one that I can understand and in some ways agree with. The reason I'm not 100% is because I know that my ability to fight for someone isn't there yet cause of the hailstorm I experienced with my heart, and I know I'll "know" when it is right. I think his ability to say that comes more from of a place where he knows me incredibly well, he would care/fight for me as a friend even...so that part about fighting for your heart can be justified to the degreee that he knows ME, he doesn't know what it's like to "date me" and those are certainly different things, but as a whole he thinks who I am is worth fighting for, maybe that's a better way of saying it. I totally 100% hear what you're saying...

Anonymous said...

Goddamn. I'm in the same exact boat. I was pining away over the one I really wanted who'd rejected me. Someone else came along. Told me I was amazing, he felt a connection unlike ever before. I was honest, said I was still hooked on someone else. I let him try anyway. And now I am pushing it all away. Because I am not ready. And I want to be open for another try, no matter the lack of evidence that this happen anytime at soon let alone at all. Still, this is the process of healing for me, and I can no better control it than the moon or the stars.

Thank you for this post, Chels. Once again, you nailed it.

P said...

I'd totally date me. That's why I can't understand sometimes why i'm single.

Oh well.

Skinny Dip said...

These things take time. You can't rush the healing process. You will get there though...one day you WILL want to date you :)

DShan said...

@anonymous Seriously great comment. And point. I said what I said above because it's hard not to say something within the context of what Chels wrote and the way I spoke about her on my own blog. I don't know how well you know her (or me, maybe), but it's worth noting that my saying I'd go to war for her wasn't rooted in some idealistic perception of her as the answers to all my dreams, unfounded and naive. It's not even all I've said to her, and given this post I don't think it'd surprise anyone that I'm well aware that even thinking about getting to know her better than I do today involved a lot of risk, especially as far as my own emotions go.

Relationships are always risky, though, and on some level every single one of them requires a first mover. Someone willing to say 'hey, I've opened myself to this'. I'm not asking for much in return, in fact. But a relationship with potential but wrapped in the post-apocalyptic nuances of a breakup AND 1492 miles of distance are more risky than most. I say I'd fight for it in that context, and to let her I have a whopping crush on her. I don't have whopping crushes very often.

In all, the 'war' metaphor's a bit intense, and the gesture is simply that I'd like to show Chelsea that I think she's really shiny and real and interesting and smart and beautiful. The girl...not the idea of her. I'm saying I would like to know more. I had to meet her before I said it, and I'm not the only person saying that. I don't assume I know any more than I know, and I know enough to care beyond spectatorship.

I hope this doesn't feel like a push back...I really like what you said. I have long fought the idea that people really know someone until they learn them in person, with time and experience. That said I trust my intuition and I'm intently aware that she's not equipped to be anyone but who she is today. I let her know I like her and I hope to do so without adding a lot of pressure to an already painful and confusing process.

A guy can crush, right? :)

Phoenix said...

Never give up technology for a guy. Hmmm, I think that's gonna be my new slogan.

I would date me, because I'm freakin' awesome, but more importantly, if I were into girls, I would date YOU. Because you are hands down, freakin' rad, and you are not damaged or broken. You are just you. And the people who want to date you? Are gonna be okay with you being a hot mess for a little while.

Kate said...

I found your site from Blunt Delivery. I love it. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!

hklover86 said...

God I wish I could write like this!

Paige said...

god i fucking love you/want to be you. and um no i would not date me...i go through a gallon of mayo a week....

Erica Prather said...

I tried to comment on this last fucking post and it deleted it so, I hope that this doesn't delete! So. Many. Things. To. Say. I know this feeling, I KNOW IT AND I HAVE LIVED THROUGH IT AND IT'S THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER LIVED THROUGH. And guess what? A year later, I still have those moments. You probably always will. but like me, YOU are the one that had the backbone to leave and YOU are the one that ultimately DID leave. He only agreed. Same story as mine. And guess what? You always want what you can't have, and that's the bitch of life. Doesn't matter how many times the other person does the right things that the old one doesn't, you just wish the OLD ONE could have gotten that shit right. IT begs the question "Is it better to be with someone you are nuts over that kinda trashes you a bit or is it better to be with someone that you might not love as much but who will treat you like gold?" I don't have the answer. All I know is that I've been there, and you are right in recognizing that bringing other people into the mix is sorta dangerous when sifting through your own emotions is painful, confusing and fucked up enoguh without invovling someone else. I cried in front of the new, more wonderful boyfriend TWO DAYS AGO ABOUT THE OLD BOYFRIEND b/c I opened up the wound about what happeend, about how I felt like shit b/c I was trashed as a human being. All the while, old boyfriend was bringing his new love back to fucking Kansas and to our friends - already to the point of forgetting me and moving on after 4 years enough to bring someone home to "our" places less than a year out of our breakup. It's always fucked up, and all I can tell you is that YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT LEFT BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU KNEW YOU DID DESERVE SOMETHING MORE. and you do. you absofuckinglutely do.

fashion trends said...

Found your blog today and I immediately subscribed. Your writing is captivating and relatable. I'll be bach...

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

phoenix- oh AMEN. They're going to HAVE to be ok with me being a hot mess, end of story. :)If I were into girls we could date each other. Awesome sauce.

Kate- ah! I love Blunt Delivery, thank you so much for coming :)

hklover86- thank you so much, I really appreciate it :) and you can! I just ramble, ramble, ramble...oh and wine helps.

Paige- DUDE. THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. I'D DATE THAT.

Erica- just sent you an email :)

fashion trends- thank you so much, how did you find me!? Glad you did!!

Clare said...

I would date me. But I'd be highly skeptical. :(

hklover86 said...

I think I will drink some wine before my next post then! lol

Chelsea said...

I don't think I would date me at the moment, either. I have been struggling with this lately, and I've been thinking about writing a post of my own about it. I have been single for a few months now, and there have been a few guys who have asked me out on dates and have wanted to pursue a relationship, and I just haven't been able to bring myself to reciprocate.

I'm feeling stuck because I feel like it's not fair to let someone try to fight for a relationship with me (yes, I think it would be a fight), because I'm not sure I could give them 100%. You were exactly right -- there's some part, as sad as it sounds, that does not want to close the door on your last love. I'm the same way. After giving 100% for so long, I'm not sure that I have anything worthwhile left to give. At least not right now. Part of me wants to hold on to my last relationship and that's not fair to anyone new.

How are we supposed to know if we are supposed to wait until we're completely ready to be fair to the new person or if we need the new person to help us get ready to be in a relationship again?

maycatdecal said...

I am a student, I joined the blog to make friends with the lava away from the liver around the world. I want to learn many things about the country, people, life, culture ... of your country.

Kennedy said...

i would so not date me, but i think that i would date you <3

Kaci Johanna said...

"I'm an unfortunate case study into the minds of the recently heartbroken."

You, your words. These words - all of them - just summed me up pretty perfectly in a nutshell.

Time, it heals. That's about my only solace right now. Try it on for size?

Kaci Johanna said...

"I'm an unfortunate case study into the minds of the recently heartbroken."

You, your words. These words - all of them - just summed me up pretty perfectly in a nutshell.

Time, it heals. That's about my only solace right now. Try it on for size?

Joanna said...

What a great post! I say hang in there; we're all trying to blindly fumble our way through this thing called life. I deal with my own flaws and foibles, cursing myself for being so stupid and careless all the time. But if you can find someone who loves you for you, despite your shortcomings (I think I have), then that is a wonderful thing. In the meantime, keep making mistakes and finding your own way and have fun in the process!

kelly said...

Oh hell no I wouldn't. I'm an emotional hot mess.

hellotaylor said...

I would never date me. I'm constantly changing, I never know what I want, and sometimes other people get hurt because of it. I can get a little crazy, I can get a little insecure, I can get a little overemotional and immature.

I wouldn't put up with me.

Lily said...

Yeah maybe. Great question! Why have I never thought of it before? Weird. Although a couple of years ago a friend said that she would not want to date me (after telling her a sordid tale about a guy :D ). Ouch. But I could see her point.

Anyway, this woman is taking it one step further: she's marrying herself. Good for her, I say! http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE69L0NY20101022

Tamara Nicole said...

What a great post! And no one is a perfect "date". I have my flaws, as does my hubby, but that's what makes us fun and unique and quirky. Just be you. If it's a great match, perfect! :-)

Hang in there!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Lily- I SAW THAT. I MEAN. IM JUST GONNA WITH THAT ROUTE.

Beth said...

i would date me and you should want to date you! what do you have to lose? nothing! if anything comes out of it, it's just a growing experience to find out what you want in the man of your dreams!

MrsHillyG said...

I was like you once or twice. I deemed myself "undatable" because I had so much baggage and I was more afraid of hurting someone else than I was of being hurt. Being hurt was easy. Some guy breaks your heart, you either eat your way through it (or, if you're me - you go crazy with krav maga or kick boxing classes) - cry some, and then move on. I ran through this cycle once or five bazillion times.

Then I met my husband. He changed everything. He was the first guy that I never worried about. I never worried that he would leave. I never worried that he would hurt me. And I never worried that I would hurt him.

You are dateable. You are. But you need to find yourself first. Figure out what makes you unique. Figure out what you love to do... without a guy. Once you know what you have to offer - let someone love those qualities.

You may not date you but someone else probably does...

PinkBow said...

yep, fresh out of a break up too, i need a little longer :-)

Jessticles said...

your blogs. are. amazing.
:( i can relate.

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