Sunday, October 3, 2010

The part where I address the "NEW BOY" and "the old one."


Sometimes you're just like, "Look fucker, get out of my head...."

...and then (because most of the time our minds are stubborn and relentless whores), the sound of his voice saying, "I love you a million times a million" plays again, like a record scratch, "a million times a million...a million times a million...." and you get pissed that you know enough about math to know that his "million" didn't exactly add up at the end of the equation.

All of a sudden, another shot is taken at you, and again you're a fallen-fucking-warrior princess, trying to hastily sew up the reopening of your heart seams.
Just as you're moving forward, on the heels of this amazing weekend, with someone who swooped in much like a real-life White Knight, identified your gaping wounds and crafted the perfect amount of attention, patience, encouragement and affection to apply a healing remedy to the parts that were especially aching.... your ex-Love emails you, a day after he leaves and the sentence, "I miss the sound you always make when it's cold outside," hits you like a fucking missile attack, because I don't even know that I make a sound and because I've decided he's forgotten me, as far as I'm concerned I'd decided he'd forgotten our life together existed at all, and because he still knows me the best. The only way someone will learn those little things, will learn "me in details", is through time and years and chilly nights when I make "that sound," through experience, rough patches, and smooth sailing.
All of a sudden, you're forced to reexamine your heart (fan-fucking-tastic)- because the holes there are apparent. You look at your White Knight, the one who said, "The man who wants the life of a king will snatch you up and never regret a second he spends earning your trust and love," and who has patiently let me be as transparent as GLASS about where I'm at and you have to say, "I adore you. I want to see where this goes...and is going...but I'm terrified of being called someones girl, I'm terrified of being hurt, I'm terrified of moving forward." And because he's amazing he lets you cry about your Ex-Love, he lets you freak out and he successfully fills my mind with better things to think about, to be excited about....he gives me perspective and baskets full of smiles....he stimulates my mind and has me curled over in stomach pains from laughter. He's what the doctor ordered....and I hate when I still have to say, honestly to myself and to him...

I've only got 50% ....my heart has a limp. The capacity for me to FEEL is maxed out. And he gets it....he says, "Babe, I know what I signed on for. It's gonna hurt for awhile....and I'm in no hurry."
Right? I know, he's a real-live-man. A mature, super-human, extraordinary man.



So when my Ex- Love says, "I can tell you all this because, I know we're past it now..." again, the cards sit comfortably in his hands (and I'm angry at myself for hurting over it), the hands that are clicking "SEND" on a loaded gun, because he doesn't realize the severity of how that actually affects me, the hands that are now empty of me, while still unknowingly holding a chunk of my most important parts, the hands that are gripping onto other women, pressing up against bar stools and finding themselves curled through strangers belt loops, looking at them like he once looked at me....but they're not me, they're looked on with false admiration, prey to a selfish conquest. And he knows that.


The decision to be "past it" has now been made by him and if being past something, means reading the email that sits in your inbox like a 8,000 lb Elephant (actually, maybe that's a really small elephant...how much do elephants weigh?) and feeling like you've now backtracked a thousand steps in reverse down memory lane, then maybe that's what "past it" feels like. Maybe "past it" still guts me.


"DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE ON YOUR BLOG, CHELS" my adorable, Bob Dylan-obsessed, male coworker tells me, "You show him your hand that way." Well, I'm not holding any Aces, dear.
My cards are on the table. I'm trying, I'm moving forward, one foot in front of the other, but I would be lying to myself to say that there aren't parts of me that still can't let go of him. As foolish as it may sound and as embarrassing it is to admit.
I'm trying. I'm unlearning him and open to learning someone else. I'm excavating bits of him with sharp tools and examination. I'm being the best version of brave that I can be when you're only at half-capacity and I'm "bravely" opening my heart, standing proudly like glass, transparent and keen for rock-throwing, I'm aware of where I'm at. Of what I can and cannot give and what I'm ready for. I know that I'm hurting still and that despite the circumstances, I'm doing one hell of a good job embracing the newness. So fuck yea, go me.



How do you "move forward?"

60 comments:

Ben said...

If this isn't the greatest thing I've heard all weekend, I'm not sure what is. You're officially my couple crush, replacing the Beckhams.

Jen said...

I love how real you are in every post. I admire how you are able to put into words exactly what you are feeling. AND I'm so excited that you have someone in your life that obviously knows that you are worth it. One day at a time, sister. <3

Anonymous said...

Burying the past. You can fight every single day, but you will not move forward completely until you let go. I know that is not easy (I've been there), but unless you remake yourself - and it'll be a better you - you'll still hold his fragments.

There is no "let be friends" after this (so no e-mails or pictures or calls). And, honestly? To write you stuff like this just shows the son of a bitch that he is.

S.

DShan said...

THE BECKHAMS!

I'm off to get a sleeve tatt.

kwerk said...

Try this one on for size: My lying, cheating, jackass of an ex just got engaged to the girl he left me for (apparently, I don't really know the full story because I don't care to). It gutted me, for a lot of reasons. Not because I want him back (hell NO) because that would not be inviting positivity into my life, but because dude, where the fuck are the consequences for his wreaking havoc on my life? Where's all the money he owes my parents? After all the bullshit I went through, all the things I invested in that relationship...why is he the one in the winners' circle?

& then my dear friends started texting, saying "You really don't think this is going to work out for him, do you? Karma's a bitch, just wait." & "Dear lord, you are soooooo much hotter than that girl!" They make me feel a little better...

I think my only point was that we'll limp together. I'm glad you have someone in your life that is proving to be a real man & that you're being honest with yourself & everyone around you about where you are. I hope things keep looking up.

Big kisses & hugs & hopes that soon enough you & I can hang out & make a few bottles of wine our bitches. LOVE you. ;)

Jessica said...

OHMYGOD! Thank you for this. Thank you for this, right now, in this very moment. Because you have no idea just how much I needed it.
To hear this. Yes. I am with you.
It's SO freakin hard. I'm not sure how to do it either...
Here's to us learning how, together, now and into the future.
I'm pretty sure we got this :)

Caroline in the City said...

I admire your honesty, Chelsea. I know it's not easy to talk about breakups. I hope I can be as honest on my blog! Keep up the good work.

Elena said...

Aw, Chelsea. I know how you feel here. My son's dad, and first love, still hits me with shit like that once in awhile. And now I'm married and moved on, and it STILL cuts me. It's okay to have "one that got away." Sometimes the one that got away turns into "Phew! Glad I dodged that bullet." sometimes it doesn't. You will learn how to love again and live fully. Promise. xoxo

JUST ME said...

New boys are always so much better than the bent, broken, old ones.

What your ex did to you...it's okay if it stays with you for a while. We get scarred. We go through trauma. It's all very REAL. But the fact that you have someone who is willing to help paste your heart back together...how beautiful. :)

Brian A. Frederick said...

Hate to be the one who has to bear the heavy hand, but to all the repliers who think it's a good idea to lean on a white knight; it's about the worst. It's only fair to the both of you to realize that if you are hurting from your past, which you very clearly are, than to move onto something else is obviously a bad idea. Get back to being okay solo, regroup, and then hit it steam valve open. It's not an easy reality to grasp, but necessary - so I think. A distraction is always nice, but they only distract for so long. It's either deal with the pain now, or set it off and do it later, when quite possibly something important could get ruined because of it. If he really wants to wait, he'll wait - no reason to jump ahead, we're all young in the world.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Ben- omg, can you please just tell me cute things and call m better than Victoria Beckham all the time? thanks? ok, you didn't call me better than her, but whatevs, It's my interpretation.

Brian- Ah, yes, I can see and agree with that you're saying. That's why I said, "I'm not ready to be called his girl yet...." I know i'm not. I'm not transferring feelings onto someone else, cause it isnt fair for either one of us. I'm not going to push him away, but I'm not jumping head first, and full force into anything right now either, because I'm know I'm not ready for that and there's certainly no pressure coming from his end at all. He is patient....and he lives in Vancouver...SO, the ability for me to explore, solo, heal wounds, etc. leaves a lot of space, which he would give me even if he were ten blocks away....I'm leaning on him in certain ways yes, but we're also sharing, communicating, i'm LEARNING quite a bit about how I'm feeling, etc. and he lets me feel safe doing all of that.

Suz said...

Delete the email the second it hits your inbox. Then go in to the trash and delete it from there. Delete, throw away, remove every trace of him and do not let him get back in to your life. It's a long hard road to get over a love and each time you let him get even a fraction of your heart and/or mind back, it's like throwing that recovery car into reverse for a couple hundred miles. Give the new boy a chance. Take it slow. See if he is the real McCoy or just an act. Right now it's okay to protect your heart. It needs that protection in order to heal. It's the only one you've got so don't let someone else destroy it.

DC Princess said...

It's good that you're being REALISTIC about it and it's even better that the D. is also totally realistic about where things are.

That's not the only good thing in this sometimes "THIS EFFING SUCKS" scenario because wounds DO take time to heal, but trust me babe...they heal much faster when you're filling them with new hope and new memories.

One day at a time :)

Adore you and you deserve all the happiness in the world1

Stevie said...

I won't post a lengthy comment because it's already been said. Just know that I'm smiling for you :-)

brandy said...

kh;faskhda;fkhads;hf

1. The above statement was what I first thought when I read HIS post. So darn cute!

2. Ben always leaves my favourite comments.

3. I'm over the moon happy for you, lovely. Not because you found someone else- never for that because that's far too simple to explain what's happened, but that you are finding yourself and along the way have found someone to help make that journey easier and far less scary than it sometimes can be.

4. Even though I knew who's blog was going to pop up when I clicked your link, I couldn't help but happy clap when I saw it.

subjectverbagreement said...

i like where this is going.

Dani said...

Great post- it is wonderful that you are so open and honest.

Kallie, Happy Honey and Lark said...

I don't move forward. I sit stewing in a swamp of bad feelings, taking it out on anyone daring enough to try to date me. I tried to date someone else and he rejected me worse than the person I was trying to forget. Too bad we can't just hit delete in our minds and hearts and make all the crap disappear.
Boys suck. You don't.

KK said...

How do you move forward?? Let him help, let him heal it. Your broken heart will feel better. I let my guy pick me up, heal my heart and heal my soul after a devastating break-up with an emotional abuser. It is 6 years ago today that we first got together and Im so grateful that 6 years ago I let him be my white knight. It took time, but eventually I healed a better person, a healthier person and a much much more confident person. I will be eternally grateful to him. He gave me life back. Have faith. It will be ok. Your "new guy" seems outstandingly wonderful.

L.L. said...

Move forward? Just like you said... one foot in front of the other. It's the only way to be.

Paislea Elyse said...

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Herding Cats said...

You know, exes have a way of sensing when we are happy and trying to actively reappear and destroy it. Trust me though, this new guy....if he is willing to put up with your vulnerable heart, he's a true diamond in the rough. Give him a chance!

Hillary said...

Fuck YEA, go you! You are probably the most honest person on the internet, lady. I admire your ability to open up and write so beautifully about what's in your heart.

I think that it's okay for your Ex-Love to still affect you the way he does. He was a huge part of your life - he was forever for you, until he wasn't anymore. Hurting and healing take time. That being said, there's no reason why you can't lean on someone a little to help make life a bit sweeter.

Occasionally I will catch a whiff of my ex's cologne and it hits me like a punch to the gut. After 8 years of being apart, after he broke my heart repeatedly and I handed it back to him repeatedly, after I left the fucking country to put physical distance between us, and after I met - and married - my white knight, I am still affected by something as silly and insignificant as the smell of a certain cologne. I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you won't be the same as you were before you met your Ex-Love but that doesn't mean that you won't heal to be stronger and better than before. Maybe he will always have the ability to make your heart drop and maybe that's not a bad thing. It will remind you where you were and how far you've come.

Ali said...

So much love, from me to you.

nahl said...

I don't think the White Knight is a good idea right now. Or maybe, I'm just jealous.

Stacey said...

I always admire your honesty and openness. And how sweet is Derek? Bravo to him for "getting it" and letting you find your way through. You will, girlfriend. You will.

Clare said...

Take your time, absolutely.

But if I may...

The unwaveringly supportive knight in white armor that rescued me from my heartbreak at being dumped after a 3 year relationship over a year ago? Pretty sure he's The One.

Jessica said...

You are awesome. I have a friend that is currently in the same spot as you. I have been there before too and I know how much it f'ing sucks.

I plan to pass your words along to my friend - just to show her, she isn't the only one dealing with a guy that won't follow through on his word. When they say "I'm done" they should mean it.

I wish you all the best as you go on your new journey. And maybe it will make you feel a tiny bit better to know somewhere else in the world, another gal is feeling the same as you, and going through the same things as well.

Lola said...

When I read your post I literally had tears in my eyes and just felt such sadness for you (and my remembered heartbreak if I'm completely honest). But then I read his post on meeting you and I was like "that lucky bitch". ;) I'm happy you've met your white knight, you so deserve it.

jayme said...

I'm still on the bad, icky, heartbreaking end of this ordeal but now I'm definitely feeling better that since everything else has been on the same road as you and your Ex-Love, my white knight will be around sometime! Really, really happy for you though. xo

doniree said...

Your honesty and openness here is beautiful and brilliant. I know a thousand people who would be at half-full, at 50% and wallow there. STAY there. Let the ceiling of half-way beat them down, keep them down. I know you're different. I know you see 50% as a step. Right before 55% and 60% and pretty soon you're at 75% and you're closer. Remember when you were at 25%? I do, and look how far you've already come. I love you to tiny little bits and pieces, and love how beautifully and honestly you can express this moment in relationship transition. I love you, Chels. :)

Nuit said...

yay!!!! go chelsea!

Habbala said...

Things I've learned since my crazy awful break-up:

It get's easier. Even though there will moments even a year from now where there will be a tinge of sad that comes.. that's normal.. roll with it. (For example, this weekend I learned the girls name he started dating 4 months after me)

Go where you can be yourself. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh cause it effing funny-- not because you're "supposed to be happy".

Keep moving forward. Keep being brave. It'll be worth it.

Jessica (Bayjb) said...

I really want to punch your ex in the face. What an a**. Also, you know I'm so happy for you. Really, you deserve to feel all the amazing things he brings out in you.

hannahjustbreathe said...

To open yourself to love again... Goodness. You are a strong, brave woman indeed!

Absolutely loved this post. Bravo, lady!

Sizzle said...

How do you move forward? One day, one step at a time as cliche and obvious as that sounds. You try to let yourself feel good things more than hurtful things. You try to separate yourself from the person/situation that caused you pain because you tell yourself repeatedly you deserve and want better. Then you keep seeking better and when you find it, enjoy it.

Megan said...

You're a strong woman. Seriously. I'm glad D is giving you the space you need all while being there for a shoulder to cry on when you need it; you deserve that, and he seems like an amazing guy. :)

ChelseaX said...

Exactly what I'm going through right now.
Every time I think I'm over him.. his smile.. the way he absentmindedly brushes his stray hair behind his ears.. he hits me with a bombshell; "I don't think anyone will ever love me like you can." Fuuuck. It's.. false hope. And it's bullshit to deal with.
I sympathise, dear. "Moving on" isn't as easy as they say it is.

Meg said...

I completely fake it til I make it. I dead the person and never ever let them see my hand. To me, pride is much more important. With my ex who broke my heart in May, I asked for a second chance. He declined. I informed him that he now ceased to exist to me - told him to lose my email/number/address/facebook/memory. Maybe it was a power play at the end of the day but I truly believe that the only way to truly get over someone is to completely cut them out of your life for an extended period of time. But that's just me.

xxMeg

ELLIE said...

...mine still lives in my basement, because a) I don't have the heart to put him on the street or b) I don't have the courage to live all alone. SIGH What happened the the book club? Can I PLEASE come visit all of you healthy, happy, inspiring girls in Boulder? Denver is lame now.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

oh siiiigh....all of your comments are so encouraging and amazing and the perspective you're all giving me about MOVING FORWARD is food for me to hear....
....there's times when I feel guilt about not just being "fine." Guilty for holding onto feelings, guilty for moving forward when I know it's not enough of what someone else deserves, etc.

BUT, you've all given me some good things to think about.... soemtimes you just have to LET IT GO.....AND LOOK AT HOW CUTE THE INTERNET IS?! HERE I AM BLOGGING ABOUT A BLOGGER BOY! I MEAN, AAMAZIN.G

Katelin said...

chelsea i just love how open and honest you always are, that's what truly makes you amazing. also. ADORE you two.

Luna said...

Fantastic Post. I love how you manage to hit the nail on the head over and over again. I've felt/been feeling everything that you're writing about and I could never express it the way that you do.
Great post. Great writing. And thank you so much!!!!

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

Oh Chelsea, I wish I knew how to move forward. i'm in the same place.

My favorite line: I'm unlearning him

It would be so much easier if the people we loved would just love us back, buy us stuff, braid our hair, make us nachos, etc.

Anna said...

Moving forward only happens with time and new experiences. Wash that man away with excitement and new things.
Gah, all of your posts help me so much right now. Thank you for writing them.

fiore said...

i admire your honesty.in the face of it all you are still baring your soul and its inspiring and i wish you nothing but the best, healing takes time and you are lucky to have an amazing support system of friends and a new boy!!!

just remember to take it one day at a time.

sarg said...

I've really come to like your blog and the way you're just really honest about what's going on.

Come check out my blog because I've given you some awards.

-Sarah

http://randomobsessionsindc.blogspot.com/

steph said...

If you haven't heard it, I strongly suggest listening to the song "Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy.

The Charming Owl said...

This is an awesome post. It's so true and you say it how it is.

I admire you !

Rachael said...

I found this site through Cari's (Flipflops in the Rain) and I can't stop reading! Your writing is just so emotional and so real, I just had to say something. Keep up the great/inspiring work! (and I wish you lots of luck with your White Knight, he sounds incredible)

sarah marie p said...

So excited for you and your white knight! You kids are adorable.

You are so real + strong + wonderful. XOXO

Fizzgig said...

this just happened to me. twice. with the same stupid guy. nothing was wrong with us but he was scared. so he ran away from a perfect relationship, and realized it two weeks later. after 5 months when we were in the middle of moving in together, he dumped me on FB, and left me a letter about how it would traumatize his cat to move.

No, really. I blogged it.

So, now after 5 months, when i decided to get over him, hes dead to me, he did it again. to get it off his chest, with no consideration for how it would affect me.

why do guys do that? So it opened everything up again. I think he should eat turds for doing it.

michelle said...

"I'm excavating bits of him with sharp tools and examination." so. true.

i hate that part. a year later, i'm still removing bits. but the pieces are so much smaller and easier to remove. and i have help every step of the way. yay for the new man who's willing to grab a shovel to help you :) *hugs*

Brown-eyed Girl said...

OMG! This is the first post of yours which I am reading, and I have to say you just made real and tangible every single girl's feelings about their bastard ex-loves.

My ex, if you can even call him that has broken me so badly, although I think about moving forward....I've yet to do it.

Don't let this wanker win! Don't write about him, don't read anything he sends you...don't accept any gifts, requests for get-togethers or apologies. FORGET ABOUT HIM, think of himas though he was nothing but a bad wreck you walked away from...but with a few scratches and dings. He knows how slick he can be, and he knows you are a kind, caring girl. He enjoys the power he can weild with written words or bodiless voicemail.

The best way to wound him is to sever ALL ties from him...and move on with this new guy. Because let me tell you something....this new guy sounds like a dream. And everyone comes in to our lives for a reason. Even if new guy isn't your forever guy...he is here to help you move past schmuck-boy.

Kate said...

I found your site from That’s Tangly. I love it. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!

joelle van dyne said...

ugh don't you hate that?! how do exes just KNOW the worst possible time to resurface like that?!! i don't have any good advice on getting over things. i think it just takes time... and i'm sure the new guy helps too. ~joelle

Anonymous said...

I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

Ryan Park said...

I'm a fan. I appreciate how you speak from your heart AND mind... because I think every single person who has had a serious relationship can relate to at least one part of your fucking organized whirlpool of senseless sensibility. Yes, senseless sensibility, the type of lay-in-your-bed-at-night-organization of your thoughts and emotions (which are usually senseless at first glance) that actually can actually result in great things...like this blog.

I'm rambling.

Anywho...your ability to be able to actually grasp your emotions and think through the logic of it as it relates to who you in this world is encouraging to me and I'm so excited to stumble across a blog like this, and from my own town - Boulder!

Know that I'm a dude who has had my fair share of ups and downs, and I understand that the whole "trust" thing is definitely something that takes time, whether you are 100% or 50%. Whichever level your heart is functioning at, be brave and go for it, girl! I'll be tuning in to your blog and have you in my prayers - for whatever they are worth :)

Much love,
Ryan

Sebastian said...

No way! You and Dshan?!

Lucky fellow.

I'm glad things are looking up :)

Rob said...

When you're going through hell, keep going. Even as I guy I know exactly how you're feeling. It's devastating, and I'm still getting over the whole episode now. The most important thing I did was to bring it up with my ex, get REAL CLOSURE. Only then will those thoughts stop racing around your head so much.

Either way, don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

 
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