Monday, November 8, 2010

This bitch needs another vacation.


Alright...which version are we going with candy-coated or naked-blistered-and-not-so-shiny? Yeah, we all know how much I love candy, but this is the real shit.


So, let's just break it open shall we? Honestly....

I'm sad.


.....Achingly, horrendously, "look at that poor sad girl order a latte and pensively stare out a window for seven hours," kind of sad. I wake up and I hurt....I ooze "sad."

The last few weeks have presented me with a smorgasbord of "new," of "exciting" and busy...."tapped out" and packed. There's been a literal itinerary, a lot of hand-shaking, a lot of Googling, "where to find the best piece of Cake in Vancouver?" I've kept my suitcase filled to the brim with potential outfits to make me look better than I FEEL. It's an email exchange here, a new friend, a new connection, a budding romance- hours spent drinking cappuccinos out of what I would consider to be a small cereal bowl, (instead of a cup, because caffeine is the most legal/cheap option to be addicted to) and finding solace in the emptiness of pristine porcelain dish that once housed the most beautiful lemon tart any human being has laid eyes upon. Sweet life right? I've considered lying about the actual facts in an attempt to not sound like an ungrateful asshole- but it turns out gratitude and sadness are allowed to attend the same shin-dig.

I'm overcompensating. Overindulging. Inducing exhaustion and morsel by tiny morsel shoving all the unsatisfactory parts into a suitcase stored waaaay behind all the "happy."
You know what happens to that suitcase? Yeah, eventually it gets full. And the sad stuff now has a stench, a pungent, musty, undeniable musk....grim is now festering on things that have now given life to other equally dark "things."

Sad is only patient for so long, until it becomes a heinous village of tiny monsters feeding off of other tiny monsters, until it's one unforgiving motherfucker of a Monster Army who want to eat your children. Or your sanity. Or whatever the fuck you have left. Perhaps your teenage sisters Halloween candy (and then the pillow case is empty and you're like. FML now I have to go find a pillow, so I can sleep this shit off-since actual exercise is for the ambitious and "sadness" isn't exactly the most athletic emotion.)

While I was standing near the edge of Sutro Baths in San Franciso, reminding myself to BREATHE, to take in the ocean and the sound, the time and the perfection of the company I was with and the opportunities I had, I said- "I never really remember to take a deep breath....." then, one of my best friend's boyfriends (whose name happens to be James Bond) said,

"Ya know, it's actually the EXHALE that really matters. It's the letting go."

Ah.....yes, to breathe with intention and feel it from beginning to end, until your shoulders have settled away from your ears and you feel just a bit lighter, even for a second, hm. Let's try that one out?

Alright. I'm going to exhale the sad. And let go. I'm going to loosen the grip. I'm going to take my heart and feel it in my hands, the calloused skin, the slippery parts and the ridges, the hollowness and like a warrior sacrificing a part of herself in utter devotion to some CELESTIAL, divine beings, I'm going to raise my heart above my head and ceremoniously with a solid bellow from the belly of my Wild Child, I'm going to strike it against the edge of something sharp and unyielding and I'm going to let it bleed. I'm going to let my heart empty and when it's bled out, when the leeches have done their work, when the suitcase is now empty....I'm going to take a deep breathe and EXHALE.

I'm going to to exhale the nostalgia of the holidays- I'm going to exhale when I remember my birthday is around the corner and this time around, no one is writing me a song. I'm going to exhale when the birthday cake tastes a little less sweet. I'm going to exhale before my feet touch the ground when I wake up sad and I'm going to demand a better "reset" button and perhaps a few more hours of rest.

I'm going to exhale when "any day now..." is the motto of a week, a month, five months, (but not that I'm counting....)

I'm going to exhale when my little monsters say, "Hey babe, you aren't choosing this...but he IS."

And I'm going to exhale when I look in the mirror and that wrist tattoo that says "Shine" looks a little bit more faded than usual.


When my friends plan moving in with their boyfriends and I remember how I felt that same excitement once; exhale. When your house doesn't feel like a home because you can't find a second to spend there, mostly because you don't want to spend a second alone; exhale. When you're leaving someone behind at the airport who makes you smile; exhale. When you look in the mirror and you don't look like YOU, but you look like a worn, exhausted, fucked up version of you; exhale (and maybe tell your self esteem to kick her Sasha Fierce ass into gear, bitch doesn't get a vacation.) When you can't bring yourself to eat anything but granola bars and string cheese; EXHALE.


When your heart is HURTING, take a breath and EXHALE. That's where all the growing comes from...or so they say......



Are you BREATHING with intention???
























56 comments:

Ash said...

Pretty sure you should just come to Chile..........

:)

Tonee Lawrence said...

chelsea, I hope you are well and are able to overcome this.

Thinking of you. Be so strong,
Tonee

Herding Cats said...

You are allowed to be sad, and you are a strong person so we all know you will be okay. I think breathing with intention is one of the only things we can control somedays, and so we must try to overcome life with this simple, helpful act. Feel better!

Elisa said...

How true it is about breathing. The real power of a good deep breath is not in the sucking in air, filling your lungs or holding it in. It's the euphoria of the slow and steady exhale.

Quick question - why didn't I subscribe to you way sooner?!?!

hellotaylor said...

This reminds me of that song by Ingrid Michaelson, Keep Breathing. It's all you can do, until it gets better. Stay strong.

xoxo

Caro said...

I so understand where you are right now, I've been there for a few months now and it is not easy.
My birthday is coming up soon also, I can right you a song if you want.

Allison Blass said...

I think sadness is a good emotion, but I think it should only be allowed to stay for so long. At some point, you have to say, "Sadness, you've been here too long. If you're going to stay any longer, you need to start paying rent." And it doesn't mean that you can't still have a little sadness in you, but not at the expensive of happiness. That's my only lesson.

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

I spent seven years in therapy dealing with my sad (okay, and my crazy) and my therapist used to tell me that I needed to learn to sit with my feelings. I used to feel so much pressure to be "the happy girl" and she reminded me that you can't be that way all the time. Let yourself feel sad, grieve and then when it's been enough, move forward.

Take CARE of yourself. xoxo

JUST ME said...

Oh mama, you're doing this the only way you know how. How blessed are we to feel every single emotion? I know, I know. It doesn't feel like a blessing right now. In fact, most of the time, it doesn't feel like a blessing. But you are one of the lucky ones. Your life will always mean something. It'll always be a life that's been LIVED.

Love.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Allison- I definitely agree....and in regards to what Amy said below, I feel like (other than on my blog)I've gotten really good at putting on a "happy face." Smiling, going, moving, telling everyone that "thigns are great!" and "yay, happy"...I've even said to my friends. "I don't want to FEEL the sad...." and I've successfully avoided FEELING it (other than the initial blow of the breakup, ENTIRE LIFE CHANGE, etc.) and now....now that thigns are settled and the shiny newness isn't NEW anymore, I'm going to feel it. Hopefully not for too long...but a bit...and I'm going to go there, feel all the ickiness that I've been avoiding...

and trust me, I'm not exactly excited about it.

Ash- chile!

Tonee-thanks dear

Hearding Cats- Thank you, DEEP BREATH.

Elisa- Aw, thank you I'm so glad you did!

Hello taylor- that is one amazing tune.

Caro- We'll be pen pals and write each other little ditties. wee!

Stacey said...

I agree with what Amy said. I had a therapist tell me the exact same thing. It's important to not always run away from your feelings, packaging them up to be dealt with "later", but to sit with them, allow them to envelope you, then try to let go. That's the exhale part.

Each little teensy, tiny success is a success nonetheless.

valerie said...

If it makes you feel any better...you aren't alone. We both broke up with guys we thought were "the one" around the same time and I feel exactly like you do. Immense sadness that no one else really seems to understand because they are in their happy zones and give you the lamest advice. At least it seems lame when you're so sad and angry at the same time. It takes time. We both know that and we'll both overcome the sadness. For now...it's about the emotions surrounding loss.

Shannon said...

I'm trying to breathe with intention.
Sometimes I forget to breathe through all the stress.

It's good to be sad and let it all out though.

Nikki said...

You will feel all that happiness again someday. Let it all bleed on to pages so you can deal. Don't let him steal this much time and happiness from you. Just look at Alanis Morissette ;)

Habbala said...

I have the HARDEST time being sad. And post-last-years-apocalypse my bestie wouldn't leave until I scheduled out my next two weeks... all of it. When I got up. Who I was eating lunch with. Gym time. I was the epitome of Distract! Keep Moving! Don't think! The best part of that was that I learned who I should be around while I was going though my valley.. I found the friends who made me genuinely laugh instead of me laughing cause I felt like I was supposed to. Those friends ended up being better with sad me too.

<3

suki @ [Super Duper Fantastic] said...

Exhaling - it completes the cycle of the breath. We often forget that.

Thanks for the reminder.

Rolerkite said...

your writing is extra lovely today. I feel your emotion and can tell that writing this is part of your exhale. Keep breathing lady, you got this.

hungryandfrozen said...

Aw. I think lots of people have said lots of good things already. Keep breathing and as long as you stay 'yourself' you'll be okay. All the best to you!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Rolerkite- AH, yes "writing this is my exhale..." you're absolutely right.

L.A. Daze said...

That's right, exhale all that bad shit out of your life!

Thanks for visiting my blog and posting. I'm starting to hate LA...time to move!

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

so, we are both grieving a loss. not the same kind but a loss. which sucks. you and i both need to exhale. what a great comment from that gent. exhale. i need to add that to my tat. "breathe & believe" and then exhale!

ps - your writing rocks my world. man, you make me jealous.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I almost stopped the car on the way to work because I broke down on the commute, my heart was breaking so bad. Goddamn songs on the radio. Later on I met with my counselor and talked about my ruinous state and she said "yes, this is normal, after a breakup, and it totally sucks. I don't think you realize how normal you are." I felt less alone. Though it doesn't help me feel less sad, your blog does that for me too - makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing. I'll be sad if you'll be sad, m'kay?

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

I give you credit for putting your true feelings out there. Most people don't. I like that you're real! :)

I hope things look up soon.

melifaif said...

I am so sorry you are in such a rough patch. My words suck, so I am just gonna let you know you are in my thoughts. And in my prayers. I definitely have to remind myself to breathe all.the.time. But, I like the EXHALE take....maybe THAT'S my problem?

Lauren said...

Perfection. This post is complete perfection. We're both on the same track, so let's both work on exhaling and being kind to ourselves. What say you? :) Love you girl.

Cali said...

Your vulnerability and openness (with us AND with yourself) fills a chink in my own heart. Even though we don't get to spend nearly enough time together, I love you muchly! <3

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Lauren- the fact that you said, "what say you?" KIND OF LIGHTS UP MY DAY. :) I say, yes, definitely.

Cali- Aw, thank you dear...let's change that, we don't and that's a dislike- fact!

Monster Girl said...

Your writing is so beautiful and real and I feel, always, like I am reading a book someone has written from the recesses of my mind. Breakups, man. Fucking breakups. Being dumped and HIM getting to move on and choose and live and not care and you feeling like if breakups are a competition, you have LOST, and your ego cannot handle that shit even remotely.

I love you. I don't know you, but I love your strength for saying things I could never say for fear of bruising that ego. You're brilliant and you're so awake.

A Whimsical Girl Named Debbie said...

I'm thinking of you too, girlfriend. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's not good to keep it all bottled up inside. I'm an expert at keeping things in until it began to manifest in physical ailments (ulcers, extreme heartburn, headaches) - so please learn from me and LET...IT...OUT! I'm so glad you found my blog 'cause that allowed me to find you. Keep your head up, sweetie.

http://girlwhimsy.blogspot.com

hannahjustbreathe said...

You know the yogi in me is positively beaming upon reading this post. Because your friend is absolutely right---it is, truly, all about the EXHALE. Because we must be empty before we can be filled.

Keep breathing, Chelsea. Whether ragged or deep or sob-laced or slow---just breathe.

Kitty said...

Chelsea, you should most definitely listen to some Ingrid Michaelson. She is my shit and my musical soulmate. Also my doppleganger. Anyway, she gets me through a lot of things, and I know where you are and how you are feeling. I'm sorry. But you will get through it and be awesome.

recommended Ingrid tunes: Keep Breathing, Oh What A Day, So Long, Starting Now, and Be Ok.

Much blogger love to you. Be well.

Fizzgig said...

you might be by tyler durdin. Fo shizz, im in the same boat here.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Monster Girl- oh darling, thank you very very much- you're absolutely RIGHT it DOES feel like a weird, fucked up competition and the control is out of your hands completely. Which isn't easy for anyone to handle, let alone someone who's Kiiinnnda into getting her way....

Whimsical girl- Oh yes, I've felt the heartburn, LITERAL heartbeart, aches, etc. and as its happening you're like...."no, no, I didn't mean to manifest THIS, damnit."

Hannah- I think part ofmy problem is that this is the time when I need yoga the most, more than ever..and I haven't gone in months. Yoga is my happy place, my heart place, my spiritual date...the place where I find mental clarity....yes, yes, I need to go back....

Kitty- OH. I. LIVE. FOR. HER.

Kris said...

That's a great question... I don't think I breath enough! And when I finally try to it comes out in one crazy sob that lasts about 15 seconds... and then I'm back to hiding the hatred. lol

kirstyb said...

really great blog you have here xxxx

Meghan (Making Love In The Kitchen) said...

Been feeling a bit of that too. I've been blaming November and darkness so early in the day but yes- breathing with intention is a good place to start.

mn said...

oh man chelsea, if you are so worked up about these things now, i can't imagine what you'd do when stuff hits the fan in 10-15 years. it's better to be on your own than marry the wrong person and realize the last sev yrs of your life were for what? enjoy your days of breathing, breathing alone, soaking in the sun. seriously. you have no idea. yeah, i know what it was like at your age, i went through heartbreak. but what comes later in life as we get older, we lose parents, we lose friends, pets, we notice that our 40-yr old face isn't going to get us the job we aspired to get, come on girl. live. and smile. and breathe doing it. not saying it gets worse but i can honestly say my life was not expected to have these turns but it did. you're young, the sky is the limit for you. reach and don't look back! - good luck and best wishes.

I love bubble wrap said...

Two things:

First: I love that you are so frank and honest in your writing. Pretty much everything I write on my blog goes through a "who will think I'm a fuck-up" filter, and it's a real hindrance. I've written more raw and real pieces elsewhere anonymously, and those ones are always the pieces that touch people. It takes real courage to put your true feelings out there (I still can't do it), and this will probably be your secret weapon in life. Awesome.

Second: the thing about sadness is that is goes away. Even real true deep sadness. One day - and it might be a long way down the road - it just doesn't matter so much anymore. I think the scariest thing about those dark moments is that you wonder if they will ever go away. They do. And once you know that, every heartbreak is a little bit easier.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

mn- ah yes, I know all of these things....life never just "stays shiny and perfect" theres bumps and aches and things that hurt and blow up and end and morph..that is indeed the beauty of life itself, because we DO come out of it a little bit "changed" smarter, wiser, a bit more rough around the edges. I'm handling it with the tools I'm capable of handling it with right now...which will also inevitably change in time....that's just a part ofthe process of living...

Kipp said...

Hey, Chels -

You've got this.

The pendulum always swings back. Truth of the matter is, if it didn't swing this way, it wouldn't be able to swing the other way, either.

Doesn't make it suck any less to be on that side of the pivot. But still. The other side is there. And you'll catch it on the rebound. (I know you know this. Just sometimes needs to be said.)

(And hell, let's continue beating a dead analogy! If you try to stop it from swinging one way, it just gets stuck in the middle. In flatline-land. And that's a fate worse than death. I'll take Heathcliff over Edgar any day.)

Re: exhaling - that pretty much sums it up. I have a great story about what we have to teach skydiving students about breathing...but it's too lengthy a story for a comment.

The coda: Exhale. Ride it out. Even if it may not seem like it sometimes, you've got this.

Elizabeth Marie said...

I can't wait to hug you.

Trouble.Thinks said...

The future is bright!!! These low times are only temporary growing experiences that you will only understand & be able to move forward once you're through them...I hope you find all the joy in the world and more.

TK said...

...breathing with intention....I try to do that every now & then....I guess it works!! kind of.....love your writing style....if it all just gets too much come on over to South Australia for a year or two.....we'll make you laugh!! TK xx

Coco Coterie said...

After reading your profile, I thought, now WHY can't I have a neighbor like THAT, instead of the ones you walk to and from my building expressionless, barely able to crank out a response when I smile and say, "Hello."

As far as your recent posts...I know, know it all too well, have the heart scars to prove it. I've tamped the dirt firm on that segment of life....enjoying the sweet moments now, sweet moments waaay overdue, grabbing them, hoarding them, stashing them in secret places, so they don't get away, grateful for this season of love and light. xox ~ Alexandra.

Emily Jane said...

It's perfectly okay to be sad, as long as you recognise it for what it is and choose not to let it take over EVERYTHING. Like you said, it's high risk stuff of breeding lots more little sad monsters that just work their way into everything in life, and I think the best way of stopping that in its tracks is simply acceptance. Accepting that things may be sucky right now, accepting that you're a little sad, but being okay that this is how things are for the time being. Because it's just the time being. It's not forever. This too shall pass.

Lisa Griffin said...

i don't know why i don't stumble across your blog more often, but everytime i come away literally THINKING! something i miss in some blogs, you have a lot of talent and hopefully you come out of your SAD place even stronger :)

Kimberly Julie said...

this is so heartbreakingly familiar to me... the initial breakdown, the temporary strength, the serial dating and subsequent shunning of the very idea of dating, the hollowness... i was there last autumn. oh wait, i am still here! awesome.

i let my love for him die quite some time ago, but i continue to struggle with that empty ambiguity to my life without true love in it. some call it "character building"... i call it just plain "shitty". once you've tasted something so sweet, everything (read: everyone) else seems so very bland.

bottom line is: i get it. and i'm cheering for you.

JenBetweenDots said...

Thinking of you :) You're so gorgeous and sweet, exhale...you'll be okay.

Sage said...

This was an amazing post. I felt every bit of your "sad". I've also been here, last New Years. My sad is not so bad, but it hasn't gone away either. No one can tell you when your sad will go away. No one can demand that of you. You do what you do to get through the day. if it means you have quiet time where you reflect and cry, so be it. You deal how you know, what suits you. The people who love and understand you will do exactly what you need ...

Kennedy said...

you should just come visit me in boston, im pretty sure that we're kindred spirits

{ I V Y } said...

stay strong!

freckledk said...

All of those cliched breakup songs (Britney's "Stronger" comes to mind) are true; you're going to come out the other side even better than you went in. While you are in the thick of it, though, you just have to breathe. So, yes, exhale...and know that you have a fan club, cheering your every breath. xo

Rori said...

F-ing amazing. I just lost my grandmother, among other heinous happenings...perfect timing for your blog. Blessings, I hope u are feeling better.
Rori

Nice Twice said...

As the holidays are approaching, we (as a society) tend to look a little deeper and ask "why". Just yesterday, I was talking with a new, but very close friend, and we began talking about our lowest low.

Two years ago, I was alone, heart broken (this phrase is an understatement of just how sad I was), out of money, and cold. I mean, really cold--I lived in a garage apartment that was only fitted with this tiny propane tank and a heater that turned on full blast only to sweat me out for the first hour and run out of propane in the next. This little place had a hot plate and a small refrigerator and was about 20 minutes into the country--so once I was home, it was too far of a drive to leave again. I also had no cable. (a note: living in a rural Texas town, this was my only option after quickly moving out of my ex's home.) Every night, I would go home to two sweet doggies that wondered why I was just a shell of myself. I fixed Noodles in a Cup and drank a diet soda. Before bed, I would put on a toboggan, gloves, long johns, and sink down into the covers, turn on a Sex & the City DVD and fitfully sleep.

Looking back, it was a really sad scene. It was hard, but I made it through. This Christmas, I am warm, loved, happy. My heart aches only for the time that I hit my lowest low.

You will get to the other side of this. When you do, you will look back and be sad, only for a split second, for that girl that hurt so much.

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