Before I get drunk in my sweatpants, let's reflect.... apparently, I did learn a couple things this year.
I endured; a heartbreak. I explored; new dreams, new opportunities. I moved. I started a new job. I experienced the support of all of you, when I needed love the most. I defined and redefined my standard of happiness. I was reminded of things I already knew...but apparently didn't trust enough. I tore down my vision board. I embraced my sexuality, proudly. I tried, and tried again.... and I learned:
No amount of crying will ever make you ACTUALLY CRUMBLE, and sometimes that's the worst part. If someone offers, let them. It's okay to let people "carry your weight" when you can't- it feels good to let someone show up for you- they'll appreciate it just as much as you do. Be mindful in those moments right after you scream so loud you think your windows will shatter, just before you burst a vein or your vocal chords start bleeding, right after you've poured buckets of heavy aching- for it's in the pool of silence that hangs in the air afterwards that your spirit lets out a roar too and despite the screaming, despite the pain, you are a motherfucking Lion and from the depths of your being you will remain a capable, warrior and prove your strength and resilience.
Sometimes alcohol is the answer. So are; endless hours of yoga, fake eyelashes, sharing inordinate amounts of food with friends and strip clubs. You are not a weapon, even when you feel like your emotions are the most dangerous thing to hold onto, remember that you are a human being and regardless of how volatile you are now, you are, at your core much more dynamic than an explosive adjective. It's okay if you didn't meet Jay-Z this year- (fuck yea, I have goals) instead of getting boggled down in "time," give yourself a break- trust that you'll have enough of it to do what you're really meant to do.
Call a spade a spade. It'll save you a lot of time. When someone tells you who they are hear them and respond accordingly. There isn't a bucket for everything; life isn't black and white- learn to be comfortable with shades of gray, or else you may end up disappointed. Do what you do best, the best you possibly can- let other people shine in the respective areas; we all have our strengths. Just because you blog doesn't mean you have to wear all the hats- not all of us are consultants, or brand enthusiasts, we aren't all "social sages" or networkers. DO YOU. I'm a writer. I blog because I love to write, because I love the community, because I love making people feel some sort of emotion- I'll keep doing that...and I'll ask for a little assistance with all that other stuff and you know what? That's OKAY.
Be okay with asking, don't get discouraged by the first "no." Or the fifth. And so on.
When you're having a hard time figuring out the solution, take your ego out of the equation and revisit it. If you don't remember what your dreams are, read your journal from when you were eleven, you'll probably get a nice reminder. If you're following your passion, expect the road ahead to be a little less than traditional and sit comfortably with that, when you start to question; maybe I should have roots? Maybe I shouldn't move across the country? Maybe I should have a backup plan? Maybe I should be content with predictable? Instead of trying to justify why you should stay unhappy, honor your desires and stop delaying your bliss.
Ultimately, if something is meant to be, there isn't any "right" or "wrong" thing you can or can't do, so stop fucking yourself in the head over it.
If you aren't ready, you aren't. ready. Checking the cake every 10 minutes doesn't make it bake any faster. Trust, trust, trust your intuition- if that means you take a couple extra right turns before you get out of the car, or you finally ask that uncomfortable question you know needs asking- trust yourself, your heart will thank you for it.
Have a tryst. Initiate. Make last minute travel plans. Keep it playful. SPOON. Order in. Ask for help. Eat four desserts for lunch. Take the Double Decker bus, if you're a tourist be a fucking tourist. Meet someone new. Look for the story, wherever you are.
Explore boundaries, respect them- try, even when it's difficult to articulate how you feel. Communicating and listening compassionately is the only way you'll truly understand one another. Ask for them to meet you in the middle, if you run the whole distance for them, they won't know if they can do it without you. Open, open, open your heart.... it's the bravest thing you can possibly do.
I'm not going to say go out there and "set goals!" instead I'm going to say appreciate what you have, who you have, right fucking now, because everything inevitably changes... kiss him a little bit harder, listen to your friend when she's curled up next to you on your couch, be present, be nicer to your parents, and if you know, KNOW in your heart that you deserve to live bigger, greater, BRIGHTER this year- just keeping TRUSTING that you will and start doing it. LOVE deeply, SHARE, connect and create...stand up for yourself, confront your dark bits and transform them, give yourself a goddamn break for once, don't compare, tryyyyy and grow little grasshopper, GROW.
Leave your mark in 2011....now go put on something slutty and start day drinking.