Oh helloooo little blog, I've missed you.
The last few weeks have been an amalgamation of bittersweet nostalgia, newness, celebrations, a birthday (yes, mine) holiday "cheer" and overall a journey of figuring out what I need and don't need in my life right now. I've been reintroducing myself to well, myself. Hi Self, remember how much you like Taco Bell and dancing? Yeah?! Do that. (I don't know what the point of the Taco Bell comment is other than I think it's delicious and I don't care what anyone says about it. Take that Boulder.)
You can only make excuses for why you're the human version of a wet mop (juxtaposed by the moments where you're a straight up frenetic, manic person who needs Valium) for so long.
I scrolled through old blog posts and thought. "EW. EW. EW. Hate her. (me) put on your fucking cutest outfit and some sparkly lipstick with a dumb name like frosted sugarplum (which seems redundant), brush your goddamn hair and stop weeping all over the Internet for Christ sake, you're a bad ass bitch- start acting like it. Love always, Self."
I need to start speaking to my "Self" with the same intent as a bucket of cold water to the face. Snap out of it.
Considering my blog is in dire need of attention and needs to "get it together"- I decided that I'd put myself in bootcamp and participate in #reverb10- a month of daily prompts.
December 1 One Word.
"Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?"
My word: VICTORIOUS.
Ah Yes.... it has a nice ring of eminence, power, strength, bravery even....doesn't it?
If you've followed the blog the last 5 months you know that I basically felt like my life was set on fire and has been smoking, gigantic, dark, billowing clouds of hell smoke since then- but you know what? The ashes are settling and standing atop the rubble I feel proud and even though everything was burned to the ground, there's wide open land for miles....perfect for rebuilding. And we all know that I have an affinity for castles.
When you've been through the darkest moments every little thing feels like a victory;
For packing your bags and pulling your heels out of the mud, you have defeated the comfort of standing still, or staying stuck and you have been victorious.
For choosing love first and always, from the beginning, you have defeated the fear that you are; unlovable, undesirable, emotionally unavailable and you have come out....victorious, despite the ending.
The moment you started No Contact with the person who can imagine his life without you, you enforced the belief that SOMEONE out there won't be able to fathom a life that doesn't have you in it...you conquered the irrational fear of "alone forever"...you are victorious.
When you rolled into the center of the bed, erasing the outline of a body that isn't in bed with you....you conquered the ghost of him, you are victorious.
When you opened up a blank page and started writing a screenplay that's saving your life, you conquered the daunting task of making a dream come true and you BEGAN
- you are victorious.
When you stepped foot into dance class, when you spoke up, when you said what you MEANT, when you surrounded yourself with new people, when you stood by what you KNOW you want and need in your life, despite where that "fits" in society/your family/or your current lifestyle....you conquered the fear that you wouldn't be accepted perfectly as you are-
.... you my dear, are victorious.
For each time that little voice inside wanted to stop cheer leading your way to the finish line, or telling you "you can do this brave one..." for each time she cheered you on despite her enthusiasm- you conquered the little monsters that prefer you all dark and twisty. You are victorious, you fiery little thing.
My word for 2011...... Accomplished.
What's your "WORD" for 2010?